Tag Archives: Football

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! VOLUME 8!

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

Yo guys! FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Has returned to take you a time travel adventure back to week 8! Remember those heady days! You were probably putting the finishing touches on your horrible halloween costume while listening to us broadcast the game between the Cowboys (who just lost yesterday on a controversial call and THAT IS DELIGHTFUL) and the Washington DC Football Team That Even Still In This Day and Age Has a Racist Team Name that turned out to be very exciting! Now you can listen to the best part of that show as well as interview with artist Ashleigh Carraway of Planchette! So set aside an hour or so and Jules Verne yourself into hilarity!

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! VOLUME 7! HIGHLIGHTS FROM OUR LIVE SHOW!

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

This thing has returned! This time we have highlights from our week 7 show in front a live audience at the fantastic Parlor Sports. This episode also features guest talkings by the excellent TJ Connolly and the also excellent Kofi Thomas who are both excellent talkers and excellent enough to join us in front of people. We also talk a little bit about the game that we were ostensibly watching between the Steelers and the Texans, but really we only talk about it a little bit BECAUSE WE WERE ALL HAVING SO MUCH FUN! Listen in and relive the cherished moments of making fun of a dude on Tinder or when no one wanted to enter our raffle!

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! VOL. 5!

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

Hey! Another one of these! This time around we feature highlight’s of our week 5 broadcast of the Seahawks/Slurskins Monday Night Football match-up. If you ever wanted to hear me swear a lot THIS IS THE EPISODE FOR YOU! Plus my interview with the excellent and hilarious Mehran Khaghani! THIS ONE IS PACKED! Check it out!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FOUR! PATS V. CHIEFS!

TRUE PATRIOTS

TRUE PATRIOTS

vs.

THIS DUDE LOVES THE TV SHOW COACH

THIS DUDE LOVES THE TV SHOW COACH

Dudes,

So my baseball season ended yesterday (other people wrote about this better) and oh boy was it a BUMMER. It got me thinking why do we even care? Why bother? Why not let people who boringly deride “sportballs” on social media be right? Why, during this bleakest of NFL seasons as we await a bag of dicks in a suit’s possible resignation and replacement with a slightly less full bag of dicks in a suit (or maybe Condi Rice, which would be a great idea because the last time she was involved in a big enterprise she totally didn’t make up information to suit the company’s needs), do we still watch? But then, as I walked down my street, slightly drunk and listening to a particularly stirring Queen song, I was happy. Happy to be sad, happy to be able to feel things, happy to know that fellow humans felt the same way, happy to be able to express those things. Sports can be stupid and wasteful and dangerous and the business of it can be crushing but the chance to feel things outside ourselves, to feel joy and sadness in the collective acts of others, to share that joy and sadness openly with other people, that is pretty amazing. WHEW, THINGS GOT HEAVY IN THE KITCHEN (where, for some reason, across many apartments, I’ve always written these things) THIS MORNING! Enough feelings now, let’s preview tonight’s game!

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS may finally be in true decline, whatever deal gross tongue kisser/person to be portrayed by Andy Serkis in a movie/head coach Bill Belichick struck with whatever devil to allow the Patriots to be successful for so long may finally be coming due. The team has not looked good this season, Tom Brady is in certain decline and the team’s inability to draft a single position player of talent that is not injury/murder indictment-prone has hamstrung the offense. Just last week they were a bounce away from a home loss to the very very terrible at football Oakland Raiders. I will say this kind of stuff gets written every year and somehow, probably through witchcraft or something, the Pats end up winning 11 games. Could this year be different? (why am I asking so many questions in this preview?) WHO KNOWS? Certainly not me, I barely even watched football yesterday, I was at the spa.

THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS will not be as good this year as they were last year, it is known, but they are probably not as bad as people think because things are never as good or bad as people think, brains are weird like that. I honestly don’t really care about anybody on this team but their coach, Andy Reid, is delightful when happy. You can’t help but enjoy a jolly fat man in red. The Chiefs have one really good player, running back Jamaal Charles, that they sometimes forget about and a defense that’s pretty decent, but other than that THESE GUYS ARE A SNOOZE! BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON’T BE! US! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! ON THIS WEBSITE! AND THE CLASSICAL.ORG! YOU KNOW THE DRILLY! I’LL TOTALLY TALK ABOUT MY SPA DAY! IT WAS AMAZING! STEAM ROOMS RULE! I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THE LADY WHO WAS GIVING ME A MASSAGE MAKING THAT SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING SLIGHTLY AMUSING ON YOUR COMPUTER EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE SHE TOUCHED MY BODY! I’M GUESSING (HOPING!) IT WAS JUST A TIC THAT SHE HAS BUT WHO CAN SAY? NOT OUR AMAZING GUESTS TONIGHT! WHO ARE THEY YOU ASK? WELL, AT HALFTIME WE WILL HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH LONGTIME FRIEND OF THE PROGRAM GREGG GETHARD! MAYBE HE WILL TALK ABOUT HIS RECENT YELP RELATED FAME! I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE MAC DID THIS INTERVIEW! AND IN THE SECOND HALF WE’LL HAVE ILLUSTRATOR AARON DANA IN THE STUDIO! HE DREW OUR FACES! SCROLL UP TO SEE THEM! I WILL PROBABLY ASK HIM WHO’S FACE WAS HARDER TO DRAW! AND TRY NOT TO INSULT HIM FOR DOING SUCH AN AMAZING JOB! BUT I HAVE WEIRD ISSUES ABOUT MY FACE! SO MAYBE I WILL ACCIDENTALLY INSULT HIM! JEEZ, I REALLY HOPE NOT! WE’LL ALL SEE (ACTUALLY HEAR) TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK THREE! JETS V. BEARS! LIVE FROM MY HOUSE!

These dudes are wearing the classic New York Titans colors for their rumble

These dudes are wearing the classic New York Titans colors for their rumble

vs.

this for sure happened in the midwest

this for sure happened in the midwest

Caffeine Lovers,

ANOTHER WEEK OF SUPER COOL NFL NEWS! THE VIKINGS RELEASED THE PERSON WHO DID THIS! FOR WEED! Sure it was a lot of weed and continued a series of incidents of drug and alcohol “abuse” but the Vikings are still paying someone who did this to their child (warning, some graphic images in that post)! SUPER COOL DUDES! Also there is this whole thing which ughguguhguhfgufnbaiunfu, I can’t, I just can’t. Whatever, FOOTBALLZ IS HAPPENING AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT! Usually I have to travel because I’ve lived in crappy apartments with no cable and now I live in NYC while the rest of the FOOTBALLZ team lives in MA. This week everybody else is in town to play this thing (which I guess you should check out while listening to FOOTBALLZ on your iphone or whatever? Also this means that the show might start with just me talking, FINALLY!) so they all have to come over to my less crappy apartment (we’ve been cleaning all morning so that’s why this is going up late, I type with hands that have recently cleaned a toilet) that still has no cable. WAIT WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? How are we going to do this without having cable? WE ARE GOING TO DO WHAT ANY RIGHT THINKING NFL FAN SHOULD DO AND STEAL THIS SHIT! We have our regular places that we boost this stuff from but if you have any suggestions feel free to email them to FOOTBALLZTALK AT GMAIL DOT COM. That being said this may lead to some strange lag time issues so this may the most disconcerting to listen to live FOOTBALLZ ever! Now with all those caveats out of the way, let’s preview the game!

THE NEW YORK JETS may be the only NYC sports team that I can stand (maybe also the Mets, but for sure not the Nets). Rex Ryan is a weirdo and that is awesome. Also they, unlike their stadium mates who’s grey pants have disturbed me since time immemorial, have great uniforms. For a while they were so pathetic that it was just sad, but this year they have been not completely horrible and were on the verge of beating the Packers at home last week (till a very Jets thing happened). They have a great defensive line which includes a dude named Sheldon AND a dude named Muhammad and if that is not a pair of names destined for the lead characters of a modern buddy cop sitcom I don’t know what is. Their cornerbacks are a concern, I know this because during the 15 minutes I listen to The Fan while I’m in the shower everyday there is always at least one call about them and it has become part of my beauty ritual. I cannot apply the heavy amounts of foundation that are required to cover my hideous face and allow me to go out in public until I’ve heard a dude from Paramus talk about how terrible Dee Milliner is. Their offense is still pretty bad but their QB is named Geno and that is a better name than Mark or Matt. In short they are as always The Jets, but they seem slightly less Jetsy than normal this time around and in what seems to be a down year for the AFC East that might just work.

THE CHICAGO BEARS are still coached by the weird haired Marc Trestman (seriously, what is going on there? I think he should just go full plugs and a jheri curl) who has made this offense into something nice to look at, like a wonderful painting by say a Modigliani. This is great because the pre-Trestman Bears offense under Lovie Smith (who has not fared well since his return to coaching) looked more like this. The defense is pretty meh and especially so since they lost veteran cornerback/ball puncher (not as gross as it sounds) Peanut Tillman for the season. That offense can paper things over with the work of the kind of cute in this video Jay that smokin meme was so last year Cutler and twin tower wide receivers Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jefferey (though it seems like neither could play tonight so WHOOPS!). THIS ONE REALLY SEEMS LIKE A MATCHUP! TONIGHT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! LIVE FROM M’ER F’ING QUEENS! FOOTBALLZ! WITH IN STUDIO GUESTS FROM THE WE HATE MOVIES PODCAST! AND HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH COMEDIAN LILLIAN DEVANE! AND POSSIBLE INTERFERENCE FROM THE FCC! WHICH IS ALL WE EVER DREAMED OF! TO BE LEAD AWAY IN CUFFS! SHOUTING TO OUR FELLOW FANS! THEY CAN TAKE OUR IP ADDRESS BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM! SORRY SCOTLAND! AND EVERYBODY! OUR SHOW IS TOTALLY NOT AS IMPORTANT AS STOPPING ACTUAL OPPRESSION AROUND THE WORLD! IF SOMEONE GAVE US A DEAL THAT IF WE STOPPED FOREVER WE COULD END ALL OPPRESSION WE’D TOTALLY DO IT! BUT WE’D HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC BECAUSE I’VE SEEN TOO MANY TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODES AND BOTH VERSIONS OF BEDAZZLED AND GET IT WHEN PEOPLE CASUALLY DROP THE TERM “MONKEY’S PAW” IN CONVERSATION! WHATEVER! WE’LL BE WAITING FOR THAT OFFER! BUT UNTIL THEN! AND ESPECIALLY TONIGHT! WE BRING THE POSSIBLE SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC HEAT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! WHO’S TSHIRT WE WILL GIVE AWAY ALONG WITH ONE OF MY OWN DURING THE BROADCAST! FOOTBALLZ! NOW GIVING YOU MORE THAN EVER!

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! V.1!

image by Aaron Dana

original image by Aaron Dana modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

Year in and year out people are all like “hey, sorry I missed your podcast” and I say “that’s cool” while in my head I’m all like “IT ISN’T A DAMN PODCAST, IT’S THE INTERNET’S FIRST/ONLY/BEST ALTERNATE AUDIO BROADCAST OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. IF IT WERE A PODCAST IT WOULD BE HIGHLIGHTS OF OUR BROADCAST WITH THE FULL INTERVIEW THAT WE RAN PART OF DURING HALFTIME OF THE SHOW!” I think this because I’m a jerk of course, but now you get the chance to tell me that you missed our podcast (which you now can listen to whenever you want) and totally be right on the money with FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Every week we’ll post our favorite moments from our live show that happens every Monday at 8:30pm here on FOOTBALLZ.ORG and THECLASSICAL.ORG along with the full and unexpurgated interview that we use for our halftime festivities. THIS WEEK, the highlights from week one’s match up between the Giants and the Lions and our interview with Classical King of Words David Roth!

HUMAN INTEREST: Let Us Now Praise Broadcast Men

Footballz Tenant Family Made for Laffs

“This arduous physical work, to which a consciousness beyond that of the simplest child would be only a useless and painful encumbrance, is undertaken without choice or the thought of chance of choice… nearly nothing is obtainable; nearly all is cruelly stained, in the tensions of physical need, and in the desperate tensions of the need of work which is not available.” – James Agee 

It is upon this broad desk, thick and heavy with the perspiration of those well-combed men who came before them in this enterprise, that our present day broadcasters find themselves leaning each week with a crisp sadness pushed back with their contused elbows, leathered palms, and bejeweled wrists. A fine collection of professional men well past their prime but eager to serve the noble sport in which they all seemed to matter so much so long ago.

There’s Shannon in his steel blue suit cutting a disconnected figure against the wandering two-dimensional images in the background. He’s a shiny man with sculpted wrinkles and eyes set deep in woeful relief. He looks off camera at assistants who hold water for him and whisper in his ear during commercial breaks, “You can make it through this, you really can.” He’s suddenly called on by host James Brown for a bit on the troubles facing beleaguered quarterbacks of the NFC East, which he finds himself suddenly feeling oppressively unqualified to discuss.

He gathers warmth from deep reservoirs of affability, hidden far below battered muscles and clotted batches of tissue and layers of sorrow. “Should have at least been a question for Dan,” he finds himself thinking. Nevertheless, the weary broadcaster pulls himself together and presses his right hand firmly on the desk top as a surgeon would steady a patient before administering a row of sutures, and offers his two cents on the situation. “What we’re seeing here is verifiable DARK AGES for these guys, JB,” he hears himself saying. “Old Eli, Tony, RG, and whoever’s on deck need to pull it together, there’s no way around that.” He looks at the heads to his left and his right for an empty beat. “But I’ll tell you what, if these guys can just focus on getting some yards, playing these games today one series at a time, I don’t think you can really count any of them for long.”

Marino leans over and pats him on the shoulder with that war-bitten and mournful right hand of his and gives him one of those pleading Marino smiles whose thinly veiled dread has increased throughout his time on these dry grounds of rare return. “Boy I wish we had advocates like you back in my day, Shannon, haha,” says Marino. The waves in his hair glisten with product applied with care and humble honesty and pride in his profession, made up in likely bittersweet tribute to a deep classicism and heroic nature of his own past (“Dan the Man,” a nickname bestowed on him in his early days, tortuously reinforced his self-image as the Platonic ideal of manhood itself, a painful reputation to cling to in the middle aged years, so heavy in their accelerated biological deprivation).

And here the balding Bill Cowher steps in, or rather elevates backward in his chair as if the air now exiting his mouth from his first words were propelling him backward like rocket boosters. “You know I’m not sure we can really fairly put this blame on the quarterbacks in this scenario, all of whom are proven to be extremely capable at one time or another.” His eyes dart back and forth to both ends of the table, himself always drawing the center chair in this whole setup and thus leaving him constantly besieged by opinions, aborted interruptions, Aqua Velva, a constant shoulder pad shuffling sound from Shannon’s suits and Dan’s suits and the cold cooked sweat smell that every movement tends to waft in his direction. Sticking that notched chin up into the lights is so often a chore in this situation, and he’s taken lately to simply tucking it down toward his lavalier mic, “bury the goatee” as he tells himself.

Coach Cowher is really in his element when explaining the intricacies of modern-day offensive and defensive schemes like the Read Option, the Tampa-2, and Actual Bootlegging in Real Life.

JB cocks his head as if to signal, “Now we’re getting into the type of interesting point-counterpoint that I always have tried to cultivate on my television programs!” But before he can utter a word, there’s Shannon chiming in with a bit of his old first-person experience that he maintains (among his private committee) is the absolute number one commodity worth protecting in his personal warehouse of nonrenewable resources. Those inner groves of valuable insight and gridiron recollections won’t bear such conversational fruit forever and he sometimes pauses to wonder how Terry and Phil and Collinsworth and Howie are doing with whatever they’ve got left up in their own pulpy minds.

Shannon says, “What Coach is trying to say here – and we all remember those Steelers teams getting by on that mighty defense with who-knows-what kind of replacement you had under center, right, Coach? Haha.”

Cowher puts his hands out, palms up, like that somber personification of the capitalist grind found on the materials in Parker Brothers’ game, Monopoly. “Well, what I mean is -”

“Kordell Stewart some of those years? Tommy Maddux? Coach, coach, haha, wow. I mean we talkin’ about – weren’t there any waterboys left you could have suited up?”

Marino slaps his knee, “Haha! I remember The Water Boy!”

JB laughs, “Haha!”

“All I saying is that I’d like to see some extra effort from those teams that actually feel ready to step up take some responsibility for this season,” says Cowher, his voice breaking down into a grinding motor rasp. “If that happens, I think every one of these teams has opportunities to be competitive this season.”

“The NFC is a defensive mess, no doubt about it,” opines the pale-faced Boomer Esiason, who has floated quietly at the edge of the desk to now. He’s had no part in the green screen Chalk Talk playbook analysis Dan and Bill acted out (outlining the resurgence of Philip Rivers), no off-camera banter during the pre-produced Inside the Huddle Presented by Dominos Pizza, and not even any one-liners during the opening sequence presented by Southwest Airlines. He exists today as the weightless white hair on his head, like a cloud brushing against a mirror.

Ah there’s a few moments of silence as Boomer’s eyes drift toward the back of the studio where a beautifully silent montage of lithe athletic bodies in the most cutting edge of the industry’s protective gear flying across infinite fields of green, grabbing spiraling footballs from the sky, ratcheting their torsos away from pursuing defenders, and a close-up of Peyton Manning’s numbers leaning across the screen as he drops back into the pocket, alertly yet lightly gripping the ball in his strong hands.

“Oookay,” says JB. “And with that, we’ll take a break to find out who hid the script this morning.”

“Haha,” says Shannon.

“Haha,” says Dan.

“Hey now,” says Bill.

The active shot switches to the handheld guy in the wings as he stands in front of an eight-foot unit of trussing to which the producers have mounted three flatscreen televisions, each of which plays highlights from teams in featured games this afternoon. Once upon a time, the job of editing together these highlights into a promo reel may have gone to some ambitious team of video technician hopefuls. Now the job is completed by this lone cameraman simply moving from screen to screen, like the town drunk at the local sports bar wandering around the room directing everyone’s attention with dizzy magical gestures to the various matches on different televisions there. Who is to say what’s become of those lost teams of editors and their young families, now left to sustain without defense the enormous assaults of the universe.

Meanwhile the producers are waving everyone across the set to the wall, reminding them to check the floor for their standing spots. Another assistant to remind them that the subject of this segment will be the year’s biggest surprises – good and bad. All hosts avoid eye contact at the mention of bad surprises of the year, a phrase that directs each of their thoughts not toward the current events of the football league but rather their own personal struggles so far removed from that glorious battlefield to which they once belonged. Marino limps over from his chair, with his own assistant quickly rubbing his lower back as he winces with a psychological pain.

The five men stand with hands clasped behind backs. The lapels of their suits stiffly shift as each shrugs and gestures and rocks back and forth when the camera is once again turned to them. Cowher admits his worst surprise of the year is that of the Houston Texans, given the high expectations of Matt Schaub’s breakout year and continued success from cherished running back Arian Foster. He cites their disappointing record as proof that the team as a whole has indeed been a disappointment, and as he strings out this observation into a series of desperate adjectives and synonyms, Boomer keeps opening his mouth and cocking his hand in preemptive counterpoint motions, over and over as Cowher keeps jutting his lower lip out to present words like “solid football team” and “challenged secondary,” avoiding every one of Boomer’s visual pleas to crack into this one with a nuanced reminder of the always up-for-grabs nature off the Texans’ division. JB cuts off Cowher with a nod to the producers, who are already waving for a break to some on-location footage.

JB shakes his head as the footage is pulled up onscreen and he takes a moment to look up into the studio lights blaring like the summer sun, this parched studio heat so far from the heady days in Harvard, dreaming cosmic dreams of changing the world with that degree in Government, full of fiery ideals and brittle hope supplied by his old roommate, Cornell West, who continues to politely decline JB’s invitations to his own weekly 45-second segment on the show. He takes a deep breath of dejection as he shuffles across the studio. Boomer feels his own cheeks begin to flush, approaching the pink tones of Shannon’s tie. Marino looks to the camera with a twinkle in his eye before realizing the thing isn’t processing anything. The monitors show crowds filing into seats at FedExField on a beautiful fall day in Landover, Maryland.

And now it’s time to sit in the burgundy chairs – but for God’s sake remember to sit in the same order as you do at the desk this week, guys – around the glass coffee table making our picks. Marino’s sitting there crossing his legs so harshly that you can see his calf almost all the way up to his knee. Shannon’s tweaking a pair of flashy Official NFL Shop Men’s Apparel receiver’s gloves that have somehow materialized on his hands.

Cowher keeps picking the Steelers, Shannon’s going for the Patriots this week, Marino looking at the Chargers. Boomer’s sitting over there in silence again hoping Please Jesus don’t even call on me. His picks have been disastrous this season. The Ravens. The Lions. The Titans. The Seahawks. Even the Broncos have failed him so far. As he sinks into this idea, he feels his shoulders and clavicles and sternum shrink down under his collar.

If he can just get out of this – no, there’s JB nodding at him now. He hears himself talk up the virtues of the Browns defense. The Cleveland Browns, in the context of a contest they’ll be engaged in later today against division rivals the Baltimore Ravens. Yes, good defense. Yes, possible make-do savior in Jason Campbell. He calls the Browns. The Browns over the Ravens. The rest of the hosts of The NFL Today nod grimly. The cameras switch to a happy and carefree crowd eating grilled chunks of sizzling meat with small grills placed on the inexhaustible, aching parking lot of Ralph Wilson Stadium, as Greg Gumbell and Dan Dierdorf introduce us to the Home Depot Keys to the Game focusing on the Kansas City Chiefs and the Buffalo Bills.

Crowds of friends have been waiting all week to tailgate this morning in support of their favorite football team!

Back at the studio, Boomer gives Shannon a hug and exchanges knowing smiles and the same tearful glances they’ve all come to let pass between each other with the conclusion of each program. This is the work left for these men. “It has the doubleness that all jobs have by which one stays alive and in which one’s life is made a cheated ruin, and the same sprained and twilight effect on those who must work at it.”

WEEK 10 PICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll take Buffalo over Pittsburgh this week, guys, for real.  Do what you want for the rest of these dealies.