Monthly Archives: October 2015

BEST OF FOOTBALLZ PODCAST FOR WEEK 7! LISTEN INNNNNNNNN

The best of this week’s show is up and ready for your inner ear consumption! Football and rumors and Frankstein’s monster’s nethers are discussed by TD and special guest host Sarah Boatright!

Fourth Quarter Poll for Week 7! BAL V. AZ 2015

FOOTBALLZ CHAT FOR WEEK 7! CARDS V. RAVES

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ WEEK 7 CHAT! RAVENS VS. CARDINALS!
 

F(B)OOTBALLZ WEEK 7! RAVENS VS. CARDINALS! (SPOOKY VOICE)

this was a tough dude in the 90s

this was a tough dude in the 90s

vs.

I am, THE BATMAN!

I am, THE BATMAN!

Glass Hearts,

It’s the Monday before Halloween! That means even though Halloween is more than 5 days away everything has to be fucking Halloween themed! Yet another thing that was meant for kids that has been taken over and ruined by adults (see Where the Wild Things Are (the movie), The Muppets, candy, and kickball)! Does this mean that this episode of FOOTBALLZ will be spooooooooooky? Yeah, probably. Will a lot of this preview be about what is “haunting” these two teams playing tonight? FOR SURE. Will I make a series of increasingly terrible puns regarding player name that are slightly horror related but will ultimately be a totally stretch? YOU KNOW IT. I’m nothing if not a total hack that will take any out to make writing these previews easier! So let’s get down to previewing these teams!

THE BOOTIMORE RAVINGS (see I’m already doing it) are haunted by attrition, they won a Super Bo(o)wl just three years ago but now sit at a very sad 1-5 to start the season. Success in the NFL generally means that things are going to go poorly soon (unless you have a historically great quarterback that replaces ANOTHER historically great quarterback or are the living embodiment of satan) and soon has come a little earlier than the Ravens than they would have liked. Their offense has suffered as quarterback Joe Flacboo has lost weapons year after year and now is down to relying on Justin (blunt)Forse(trauma)tt who was great last year but until then was a journeyman and an aging/injured Steve Smith (he doesn’t get a nickname because he is scary already). The defense has suffered from the same attrition, they had to trade stalwart defensive lineman Haloti Ngata(get and axe and murder you with it) and have lost Tear(your limbs from your body)relle Suggs for the season. They are 1-5 and that IS SCARY if they want to make the playoffs so they probably would like to win tonight.

THE SCARAZONA CARD(that has been sharpened to a razor’s edge and then is thrown into your eye)INALS are haunted by the ghost of Carson Palm(around your throat)er’s many many many injuries in the past. You see last year, the first under coach Bruce Air(that’s been put in a syringe so that when it’s injected into your bloodstream you have a heart attack)ians, the Cardi(bamboo under your finger)na(i)ls were riding high to start the season and then Palm(with stigmata)er’s knee imploded and this was not the first knee implosion. In fact anytime your quarterback’s injury history looks like this, you may want to keep a vacuum on the sidelines because the next hit could turn him into actual dust (LIKE A MUMMY!). This season they’ve looked super super good though, like 4-2 and in first place good, so if Car(who runs over you and then reverses back over your prone body)son keeps himself from crumbling apart then they should be well on their way to a playoff appearance (let’s hope it goes better than last year’s). YOU KNOW WHO WILL FOR SURE BE BETTER THAN THE CARDINALS IN THE PLAYOFFS LAST YEAR? US! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! BECAUSE FOOTBALLZ IS BACK! AND IN COSTUME! OF COURSE OUR OUTFITS WILL BE THE SAME AS ALWAYS! DRESSED UP LIKE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE CALLING A FOOTBALL GAME! WILL SPECIAL GUEST CO-HOST ACTRESS/IMPROVISOR SARAH BOATRIGHT! AND A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM ONION AV CLUB EDITOR IN CHIEF AND BLOCK AND TACKLE COLUMNIST JOHN TETI! PLUS ANOTHER PATCH CONTEST ON OUR TWITTER AND FACEBOOK PAGES! LISTEN IN! AT 8:30PM! TO FIND OUT HOW TO WIN A PATCH! AND HOW TO WIN A BETTER LIFE! BY LISTENING TO US! AND LIKE OUR DAMN INSTAGRAM PAGE ALREADY! SEE YOU WITH OUR MOUTHS LATER!

4th Quarter Poll for Week 6! NYG v. PHL

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 6 LIVE CHAT! G-MEN VS. IGGLES

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ WEEK 6 CHAT! GIANTS VS. EAGLES!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 6! GIANTS VS. EAGLES!

A PLACE TO BUY THINGS

A PLACE TO BUY THINGS

VS

ANOTHER PLACE TO BUY THINGS

ANOTHER PLACE TO BUY THINGS

FRANKENSTIENS,

IT’S WEEK SIX! DO YOU STILL CARE ABOUT YOUR FOOTBALL TEAM? I’m thinking I’ll just spend of the rest of the season reorganizing my record collection and eating meatball subs every Sunday (which is what I did after this last Seahawks disaster), it’s much more soothing. ANYWAY, the season rolls along, people win, people lose, fans do dumb/amazing stuff, AND FOOTBALLZ IS BACK! This time from our Queens studio that is situated just 30 seconds behind the rest of the world (yeah streaming rules) and we’re gonna talk about ANOTHER NFC East game SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE OVEREXPOSED EAST COAST MEDIA DARLINGS!

THE NEW YORK GIANTS are kind of good this year which is completely undeserved. They’ve drafted poorly (with one notable exception), their coach is a goddamn monster face who who shout at underlings like a cartoon of a 20s factory tycoon, and their quarterback is a legacy case who looks kind of like an idiot even when he’s all dressed up and knows he’s going to be photographed. They still wear those super gross gray pants but they’re added some white alternates that are pretty sharp, I mean anything would be better than those GROSS GRAY PANTS but these whites harken back to the Phil Simms/Lawrence Taylor days in a way that doesn’t remind you that the former is a terrible radio host and the later is a sex offender. They’re currently in first place in the topsy turvy NFC East but who knows what will happen!

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES are in trouble but not in like a new wave Lindsay Buckingham style (see, I HAVE been reorganizing my records) they’re 2-3 and their head honcho and boss of all things Chip Kelley is facing a lot of the blame. He got rid of a bunch of players and then got other players and the players he got rid of are better and the players he aqcuired are not as good, PHILADELPHIA MEDIA can feel free to just copy and paste that sentence in lieu of writing columns for the rest of the season. ANYWAY at least people aren’t talking about how he might be a racist anymore! BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL REMIND YOU THAT PEOPLE MAYBE THOUGHT WE WAS A RACIST FOR MINUTE THERE! AND OTHER THINGS! BECAUSE! FOOTBALLZ RIDES AGAIN! WITH SPECIAL CO-HOST LUCAS O’NEILL! AND A PHONE CALL FROM FREIND OF THE PROGRAM AND JOURNALIST, ROBERT SILVERMAN! WE WILL PROBABLY TALK ABOUT THE TIME WE WENT TO NFL DRAFT TOGETHER! OR MAYBE NOT! THE METS WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY COME UP AS I’M REQUIRED TO TALK ABOUT THEM AS PERSON WITH A MICROPHONE IN QUEENS! SO TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! WE WILL TALK ABOUT ALL OF THIS STUFF! HERE OR AT THE CLASSICAL! LISTEN! LEARN! LOVE! FOOOOOOOOOTTTTBBBBBBBAAAAALLLLZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEW FOOTBALLZ PODCAST!

ANOTHER EPISODE OF OUR AMAZING PODCAST, LIVE FROM THE ONLY SPORTS BAR IN MASSACHUSETTS, PARLOR SPORTS!

FOOTBALLZ CHAT! STEELERS VS. CHARGERS!

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ CHAT! STEELERS VS. CHARGERS!