Monthly Archives: September 2015 - Page 2

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 1! EAGLES V. FALCONS!

yeah, the parking for the furry convention is over there

yeah, the parking for the furry convention is over there

vs.

when you jump kick with two guns ALWAYS make sure you look right at the camera

when you jump kick with two guns ALWAYS make sure you look right at the camera

STEELY DANS AND DANAS,

WELCOME! BIENVENUE! WILLKOMMEN! ALOHA! SHALOM! BIENVINEDA to another season of FOOTBALLZ, the first/only/best source of alternate audio broadcasting of ESPN’s Monday Night Football. We are so so so excited to be back with you for another season of conflicted moments of happiness mixed in with some humor and an almost endless parade of pure sadness! We’ve been warming up for the season with about two hours worth of preseason podcasting that you can check out here (if you want to listen to all of them and come back I’ll be here hanging out, also while you’re there you should subscribe so you can get our weekly best of the broadcast pod that we’ll be doing throughout the season. You can rate it and review too, go ahead, we won’t even care if the review and rating are TEERIBLE! That’s how starved we are for attention, we’ll even take your hate) and that should catch you up on all of the things we’ll probably be referencing through the entire season, SO GET IN ON THE INSIDE JOKES NOW YA DINKS. ANYWAAAAYYYS, we start our year with two teams who both have bird mascots (A BIRDOFF!) but other than that they have nothing in common.

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES have had a curious offseason, possible racist coach/gm/lord of all things Eagles Chip Kelley (look, do I think he’s a racist? No, but he’s on a slippery slope. “I’m not a racist” can become “some of my best friends are black” and then you’re well on your way to “why isn’t there a white history month”) seems to have gotten rid of all of their best offensive players and replaced them with unproven or extremely breakable versions. Preseason results have been positive but counting on preseason results are like making plans for winning the lottery, fun at first but then more and more pointless and depressing till you have to be told that you cannot use a credit card to buy scratch tickets (you do not want to know how I figured that out). I hope the Eagles are good because they are the only team I can stand in the NFC East and the last hope against 24/7 Dallas Cowboys future (which is one of my many many nightmares, others include drowning/loosing control of a big rig truck/being told that I cannot pay for scratch tickets with a credit card). Also they have decent uniforms and I am all for that but I miss their kelly (no relation) green of the 80s.

THE ATLANTA FALCONS were reaaaaaal crappy last season, this led to the firing of nondescript human/fake name you give if you’re trying to hide your identity at a motel Mike Smith (try to remember what that dude looked like). They replaced that dude you talk to in a video game who gives you no useful information with former Seattle Seahawks defensive coordinator Dan Quinn and he looks almost exactly like a former defensive coordinator might. White dude? CHECK! Bald head? CHECK! Terrible goatee with flecked with white hairs? CHECK! Lack of a size difference between head and neck? CHECK! CHECK! CHECK! Glad to know they’ve moved on from generic human being to a generic TYPE of human being, that’s some classic southern progress right there. Hopefully this progress will carry over to the field where generic would be an improvement from the uselessness of last season’s team, like how a generic type of pill is better than a moldy piece of dry orzo (YES WE MAKE REFERENCES TO SLIGHTLY OUT OF FASHION PASTA TYPES HERE, GET USED TO IT). Anyway, they still have Matt Ryan and he still has the worst nickname in sports (Matty Ice) and it’s still perfect for a guy who went to Boston College and they also have Julio Jones who surprisingly doesn’t have a nickname of any kind (whaaaaaaa?) but is good. SO TONIGHT! BIRD ON BIRD VIOLENCE! LIKE IF BIG BIRD FOUGHT THE ROADRUNNER! OR IF DONALD DUCK FOUGHT FOGHORN LEGHORN! THIS IS THE KIND OF SHIT WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT! FOR, LIKE THE WHOLE SEASON! ALSO FOOTBALL! AND PROBABLY OTHER THINGS! TONIGHT! AT THE VERY SPECIAL TIME OF 7PM EASTERN! OH ALSO WE HAVE AN INTSAGRAM! SO FOLLOW THE VISUAL REPRESENTATION OF THIS WHOLE SHEBANG (OR HEBANG (OR WHATEVER))! OH THE PHOTOS! BUT TONIGHT! IT IS ABOUT OUR WORDS! AND YOUR EARS! AND HOW WE ARE GETTING UP IN THERE! FOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTBBBBBAAAAALLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZ ISSSSSSSSSSS BAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!

THE BEST (WORST) IN ALTERNATIVE FOOTBALL PICKS! WEEK 1!

money and balls, together as always

money and balls, together as always

We here at FOOTBALLZ stop at nothing to bring you the hardest hitting football analysis so this year we’re introducing a weekly picks column because that seems like something a football website should do. Betting lines not included because you should not ever use this website as a source for gambling advice, also because gambling is very very sad.

THURSDAY SEPTEMBER 10TH

PITTSBURGH STEELERS AT NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Pals, if you haven’t read the Don Van Natta Jr. and Seth Wickersham thing about the Patriots that came out this week go do it now (or actually don’t, it’s super long and really I’d like you to read this picks column before someone knocks on the bathroom door/your boss comes back/your train ride ends/the end of times), if you are too lazy (or have heeded my advice) it basically says that the Patriots are paranoid cheaters who CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT. One of my few sadnesses about leaving the New England area is missing out on local sports talk show host and other sordid lower forms of life in the region twisting themselves into knots trying to justify how a deeply researched story by a respected journalist about how their team systematically broke the rules and then got the NFL to cover up the whole thing for years is just another attack from the “haters”. I’d root for the Steelers in this game if it wasn’t for the fact that they employ a dude that def did something super weird to a lady in a bathroom stall once (allegedly). ISN’T FOOTBALL GREAT!

THE PICK: PATRIOTS

SUNDAY SEPTEMBER 13TH

CHICAGO BEARS AT GREEN BAY PACKERS

Pals, I work with a lot of people from Wisconsin and generally they are super super nice, like frighteningly nice. However when you start talking to them about the Packers you start to kind of understand how Scott Walker exists.

THE PICK: PACKERS

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS AT HOUSTON TEXANS

Pals, I’ve watched almost all of Hard Knocks this season for the first time ever and if there is one thing I could say MIKE VRABEL IS A TOTAL ASSHOLE. Yeesh, this dude was straight up like the bad coach from a teen movie about high school football. Maybe he feels so much guilt from all the cheat cheat CHEATING he did as a member of the Patriots (if you don’t think I’m going to link to that article every chance I get you are INSANE (but more like Insane Clown Posse insane than like John Wayne Gacy insane, I hope)) and has to take out his personal guilt on other people but holy moly if that is what a typical NFL coach is like then I’ve somehow found a new thing to be conflicted about when it comes to football, THANKS HBO.

THE PICK: CHIEFS

CLEVELAND BROWNS AT NEW YORK JETS

One of the many joys of living in New York is walking around on Sundays during football season and seeing people in Jets jerseys. There has never ever ever been a Jets player worthy of jersey purchase so on those Sundays the streets are lined with Wayne Chrebets and Chad Penningtons and even the odd Freeman McNeil. I swear it kind of feels like living in one of those places where they send the tshirts that were printed for the team that lost the Super Bowl.

THE PICK: BROWNS

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AT BUFFALO BILLS

Pals, I had some extra time to kill this weekend walking around the Lower East Side before I had to go to work. It was totally one of those things where I had almost nothing to do, my phone was dying, I didn’t want to read the book I had in my bag. I was about to go to work waaaaaaay to early when I passed a celebrity on the street.

THE PICK: COLTS

MIAMI DOLPHINS AT WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM THAT STILL FOR SOME REASON HAS A SUPER RACIST NAME

Having nothing to do, I TOTALLY FOLLOWED THAT CELEBRITY AROUND FOR LIKE 5 BLOCKS. I used all of my lessons from watching cop tv shows to make sure that the celebrity did not catch me following them. Did I feel a little weird doing it? YES! Would I do it again? YES! The celebrity person ended up going into a clothes store with a real dumb name and when I walked back by 45 minutes later they were still in there shopping. WTF celebrity person? Who spends that long shopping one store?

THE PICK: DOLPHINS

CAROLINA PANTHERS AT JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

The celebrity person was Nick Kroll.

THE PICK: JAGUARS

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS AT ST. LOUIS RAMS

If you are reading this, you know that I think the Seahawks are the COOLEST! And in the interest of keeping my own sanity I refuse to try to predict what will happen because I am a paranoid monster who thinks that somehow voicing my opinion will change the outcome of a game played by total strangers taking place hundreds of miles away from where I type this. SPORTS ARE GREAT FOR EVERYONE!

THE PICK: N/A

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS AT ARIZONA CARDINALS

You ever have one of those things where you’re trying to promote a thing to a person more famous than you in your chosen field? Like, you’re telling them about your thing and it’s super awkward and you can feel their eyes sliding off of you, searching behind you for a way out of the conversation and you feel like you’re shrinking into nothingness and that every choice that you’ve made up until this moment in your life was wrong? Yeah, that totally didn’t happen to me the other night.

THE PICK: SAINTS

DETROIT LIONS AT SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

This game will feature two of the best uniforms in football.

THE PICK: LIONS

TENNESSEE TITANS AT TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

This game will feature two of the worst uniforms in football.

THE PICK: BUCCANEERS

CINCINATTI BENGALS AT OAKLAND RAIDERS

Have you seen the guy who owns the Raiders? He looks like a doll that grew up or alternately a rich kid who was never told no. I mean that haircut is the haircut of a person who has had nothing but yes men around him his whole life. Seriously, that dude is like a walking advertisement for the estate tax.

THE PICK: BENGALS

BALTIMORE RAVENS AT DENVER BRONCOS

Pals, have you ever been to brunch where someone is playing music live? THAT SHIT IS TERRIBLE. I mean both you and the person playing music are in the worst position possible, are you supposed to pay attention? Should he/she/they care when you do nothing after they are done with a song because you are eating overpriced eggs? What if they finish a song (a song which will almost certainly be awful because if you are playing during a brunch you are not good enough to make good songs, yes even those dudes in New Orleans who play while people eat are bad, I DON’T CARE HOW GOOD YOUR TROMBONE SOLO IS  IF I’M EATING A SALAD WHILE YOU DO IT) and you are about to put food in your mouth? it’s like a public health hazard, if you try to clap you might stab yourself in the brain.

THE PICK: RAVENS

NEW YORK GIANTS AT DALLAS COWBOYS

I despise both of these teams.

THE PICK: COWBOYS

MONDAY SEPTEMBER 14TH

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AT ATLANTA FALCONS

Look, I’ll have lots to say about these teams on Monday but for now please enjoy this boring video of an eagle almost fighting a falcon, it’s only like a minute and a half.

THE PICK: EAGLES

MINNESOTA VIKINGS AT SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

There have been fewer things I’ve enjoyed this offseason than the 49ers implosion. Their mirroring the city that they formally resided in (they now play in an expensive geegaw laden dump that can’t even get its turf right in SANTA CLARA) as a once great thing turned into hot pricey garbage by its rich benefactors has brought me endless joy. Hopefully soon one of the dot com asswipes that call the Bay Area home can disrupt  the sadness market so I can get this feeling 24/7 at the push of a button.

THE PICK: VIKINGS

PLEASE DON’T EVER BET ON SPORTS!