Monthly Archives: December 2014 - Page 2

CHAT for week 12!

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ CHAT! JETZ VS. DOLPHINS!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 13! JETS V. DOLPHINS!

This dude just looks like he's pooping, right?

This dude just looks like he’s doing some diseased ass pooping, right?

vs.

If you own this coffee table, you are a turd.

If you own this coffee table, you are a turd.

Fellow Observers,

Yo dagwz BAD NEWZ, I’m going to be out of town for this one. I’m going to be in Miami doing some on the scene reporting from the finest sports bars down there taking the temperature of Dolphins fans as they watch their team. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be wearing sunglasses and making quips. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be down there wearing my finest white suit with a pastel t-shirt. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be out being super cool at dinner. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be guest starring on Burn Notice, whatever that is (seriously, there isn’t a video of this? What, did Bruce Campbell’s lawyers get to youtube?). JUST KIDDING, I’ll be meeting my daughter’s future in-laws who are for sure not gay dudes because I’m a conservative senator from from Ohio who has just been embroiled in a scandal and if she were to marry the child of a gay couple it would totally ruin me (R.I.P. Robin and Mike). JUST KIDDING, I’m actually going to be down there hobnobbing with the art world and getting as far away from this game as possible, FOR REAL. Don’t worry though my palz, my mic space will be filled ably by friend of the program Gregg “the Greggulator” Gethard and he will be great! Enjoy the dulcet tones of his Philly by way of New Jersey accent and his multiple wrestling references! Even though I won’t be there I still want to PREVIEW THESE DAMN TEAMS.

For some reason this will be the second time this season we will be watching THE NEW YORK JETS who have crossed over from being funny to just being sad. This time in the Jets season comes every year, that moment where we all stop enjoying how comically bad this team is and we (plus some of the dudes on the team/in the front office) start realizing that their ineptitude will cost human beings their jobs, this is where the Jets become just straight up depressing. The funny ha-has of a quarterback who throws more interceptions than completions just become the bummer of a young dude who is in a bad situation and then becomes the whipping boy of some of the worst sports media in the world. The coach, who at one point was a fun weirdo is now just sadly looking for his next job. The Jets are just straight up a bummer, I’m kind of excited not to be watching them.

THE MIAMI DOLPHINS are not even a bummer at all, they are actually in the playoff race! After last year’s festival of interpersonal garbage, the ‘Fins seem to be on the right track. QB Ryan Tannehill is performing at a rate worthy of his high draft pick a couple of years ago and their defense is tormenting offenses left and right. They should really just ruin the Jets and I am seriously happy not to watch it happen, not because I have a dog in the fight (a metaphor that I realize is kind of gross when referring to a game that might have a Michael Vick sighting) but because after a season of crappy games, I need a night off. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER TAKES A NIGHT OFF? FOOTBALLZ! EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME LAST SEASON WHERE THE HOLIDAYS GOT IN THE WAY! OH AND THAT OTHER TIME WHERE MAC AND I WERE OUT OF TOWN FOR A FEW WEEKS! AND, LIKE, IF WE BOTH GOT SICK OR SOMETHING! I MEAN, WE AREN’T THE DAMN POSTAL SERVICE! NEITHER THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY NOR THE BAND THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND TERRIBLE KEYBOARD BASED INDIE-POP GROUPS! BUT TONIGHT! WE SOLDIER ON! WITH A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM OUR PAL, JOURNALIST ROBERT SILVERMAN! AND A HALFTIME RANT FROM NONE OTHER THAN ME! OH YEAH, I WILL BE JUST STRAIGHT UP TALKING FOR THE ENTIRE THIRTEEN MINUTES OF HALFTIME! LIVE FROM SOMEPLACE IN MIAMI! IT WILL CERTAINLY BE WEIRD! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TALKING FOR THIRTEEN MINUTES STRAIGHT? IT IS TOUGH! BUT I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE! AS FOOTBALLZ ALWAYS IS! SO LISTEN! 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! BECAUSE! SPORPS IS LIFE! AND FOOTBALLZ IS HERE TO BRING IT TO YOU!