Monthly Archives: December 2014

4th Quarter Poll for Week 16! Den v. Cin 12-22-14




There is a joke in here about a white bronco but I cannot really find it

There is a joke in here about a white bronco but I cannot really find it


That tiger has disturbingly shapely legs

That tiger has disturbingly shapely legs


IT’S HERE! THE END OF THE FOOTBALLZ SEASON! Guuuyyyyyyzzzz, I’m totally going to miss all of your eyes and ears and fingers and whatnot as our season of you just sort listening to me blab comes to an end. Oh what a season it’s been! Lots of football games happened! We made podcasts so you could enjoy our mouth things whenever you wanted! We made a facebook fan page because we like to do things that we should have done like, 3 years ago or something! We had a fun party! And you know what, we’re having another one this Monday to celebrate us and you and sporps and drinking and all of the things that you love/hate! It’ll be at the same place as the last one, the only sporps bar in the greater Boston area Parlor Sports (they will not let us change the name to Parlor Sporps for the night which is a shame but other than that they are great humans for letting us ruin their bar one more time this season). Oh and there is a game that we will be “watching” between teams who may even make the playoffs! Wait whhhhaaaaaaaaa? Yes! An important game between talented teams, it’s a unnamed holiday MIRACLE! So let’s talk about these dummies!

THE DENVER BRONCOS are certainly Super Bowl contenders. They’re lead by human commercial generator/lover of terrible pizza/mostly forehead based life form Peyton Manning who has STILL only won one Super Bowl which gives him exactly as many as talking thumb, Trent Dilfer. They seemed to be in good shape to return to the game that they lost last year 43-8 to the greatest team in history (once again, I will link to that any chance I get) with a strengthened defense and the addition of WR Emmanuel Sanders, they spent the good part of the season looking unstoppable. The last few weeks they’ve looked less than awesome maybe that’s just Manning getting into playoff form early? Or perhaps it is their coach, John Fox, regressing to the profession that he looks like he should be in, high school gym teacher in, I want to say, suburban Scottsdale, AZ. Who really knows? The world is a strange place and the mysteries of the Denver Broncos will have to remain unrevealed till after the game.

THE CINCINNATI BENGALS have a problem, a big old ginger problem, QB Andy Dalton. See the Bengals are good and Dalton is not terrible and so they are kind of doomed to be just pretty good. Being upset about being pretty good is kind of like complaining that they gym at your job doesn’t have a super nice sauna but sports fans are nothing if not rapacious seekers of betterment and the lack of Bengal betterment is wearing thin with their fans. They do have the amazing AJ Green who is great at being a wide receiver even if he is terrible at having headphones (seriously, if a dude who is at the upper percentile of our species when it comes to dexterity can be bumfuzzled by a headphone wire then we are truly doomed). They also have a defense that was excellent last time I was paying attention but I don’t really pay that much attention. BUT YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD PAY ATTENTION? YOU! WHEN? MONDAY NIGHT! AT AROUND 8 OR SO IN PERSON! OR 8:30PM ONLINE! MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE SHOW HERE! WE, OF COURSE, WILL HAVE GUESTS! INCLUDING COMEDIAN GUITLER RAPHAEL! AND ROXY’S GRILLED CHEESE IMPRESARIO JAMES DISABATINO! AS WELL AS HUMORIST/JEWELRY MAKER/MUSICIAN SARAH CRONIN! AND PRIZES! AND OUR FACES! AND FOOOOOOTTTTBBBBBAAAAALLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!

4th Quarter Poll for Week 15! NO V. CHI




After a long and tumultuous  season, the Bears are looking to see who will fill the face holes on their costumes next season.

After a long and tumultuous year the Bears are looking to see who will fill the face holes on their costumes next season.


This is St. Rita of Cascia, the patron saint of impossible dreams, you get it, right?

This is St. Rita of Cascia, the patron saint of impossible dreams, you get it, right?


The end of FOOTBALLZ in studio season is here! Tonight will be our last broadcast of the year from our palatial studio compound because next week we have our season finale/holiday party at the fantastic Parlor Sports (you guys are all totally invited). We’ll be saying goodbye to our of our studio pals for the year, expect tears when I say my final goodnight to the Alf statue that I took a picture of that one time. ANYWAY, we won’t be all sappy and sentimental since we have a game between two terrible teams to watch and talk about, SO LET’S START THE TALKING PART NOW.

THE CHICAGO BEARS are reassessing things right now, after last season’s encouraging first year under dude who’s hair still mystifies me Marc Trestman, things have, um, regressed? I don’t know what you call a season that has seen the team pretty much go straight in the crapper and had coaches ratting out and then tearfully apologizing for it to players (anytime a player, anonymous or not, describes a scene in the locker room as “one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.” you know you’re dealing with some messed up stuff, these dudes have seen super nasty injuries that I will not link to because I’m not a gross monster who wants you guys to throw up while reading this any more than you already do). It kind of seems like one of those seasons that lead to everybody getting fired afterwards, sorry Trestman, you and your weird hair will always have a spot at Percival Molson Stadium but I don’t think they’ll be honoring you at Soldier Field any time soon (or really ever).

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are the second team from the garbage fire that doesn’t even keep you warm NFC South that we get to watch in a row! hgfsoihsfdiooeconcoewfuewufhu, ugh, the sad part is (one of them at least, there are many sad parts to everything always) the Saints were super fun when they were good. Drew Brees seems like a cool dude and even though that weird chant/huddle thing they do before the games is monumentally stupid, they are very rootable for. People also forget that they were victims of Roger Goodell ineptitude before it was cool and that really screwed them when they were still in Super Bowl form, now it seems like the only form that they take is that of a team that might back into the playoffs with a losing record because their division is so crappy that somebody has to win it. The last time an under .500 team made the playoffs though the Saints had a front row seat (seriously, I will use any excuse to link to that video) so maybe they can draw inspiration from that. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO INSPIRATION? US! BECAUSE TONIGHT! WE RIDE INTO THE INTERNET BREACH ONCE MORE! TO DELIVER OUR SPORTS WISDOM ON YOU! THE GENERAL PUBLIC! OR THE LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO US EVERY WEEK! AND DELIVER WE SHALL FOR ONE LAST TIME THIS SEASON FROM OUR STUDIO! WE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS MATCH UP OF GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE TO THE SAFE SHORES OF HILARITY ON THE BOATS OF OUR MINDS AND MOUTHS! YES! YOU WILL RIDE OUR MOUTH BOATS TONIGHT! OH MAN IS THAT GROSS SOUNDING! PLUS ALSO A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN BRIGADE’S MOLLY LLOYD! WE TALK ABOUT IMPROV! YOU’LL LISTEN AND THINK YES AND I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THESE GUYS TALKING! THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IMPROV JOKE! DON’T WORRY! TONIGHT’S SHOW WILL BE BETTER THAN THAT JOKE! I PROMISE! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ! THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF THE YEAR! GET IT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

4th quarter poll for week 14! Falcons vs. Packers 12-8-14




Yes, this is a reference to a character who appeared just a few times on a show that went off the air years ago but you try finding a non-football related packer photo (yes, we have already used a photo of a packing company and George Packer of the New Yorker).

Yes, this is a reference to a character who appeared just a few times on a show that went off the air years ago but you try finding a non-football related packer photo (yes, we have already used a photo of a packing company and George Packer of the New Yorker).


you can run kid, you can dream of flying while you do,  but you can never escape what appears to be the boring town that you live in.

you can run kid, you can dream of flying while you do, but you can never escape what appears to be the boring town that you live in.


Gotta make this one quick my dawgz, my computer is totally broken and in the shop where a bunch of dudes make you feel bad (I’m I the only one who feels like a jerk whenever I have to go get something fixed? Like somehow I’m the real problem not the device or instrument that is malfunctioning? Like I broke it therefore I’m broken? Ugh, I really need to stop reading that book of Smog lyrics every morning) so I’m on my cohabitant’s computer and don’t want to be a laptop hog (just sit back and let that evocative phrase form a picture in your mind, mmmmmmmmmm, delicious). ANYWAY, the FOOTBALLZ season is nearly at an end so relish these words for soon they will be gone and you will be left bereft of the only joy that you have in the world (I’m pretty sure that I’m talking about you and not me but then again, this) SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE DARN TEAMS.

THE GREEN BAY PACKERS are good, veeeeeery good, like lots of people think they are going to the Super Bowl good and with good reason, they have all world QB and dater of the best part of the Newsroom (if any of you thought that I was talking about Jeff Daniels you should go throw your computer in a river right now because you don’t deserve it. Now, if you thought it was Sam Waterston then you can stay. Also, doesn’t Aaron Rodgers look mildly terrified in that photo?) under center and he has been awesome since he went on the radio and told people to

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. In fact the whole team has been pretty awesome since that moment including our favorite former rapping french baby Jordy Nelson (WE WILL NEVER STOP MAKING THAT REFERENCE) and future dude who stars in the commercials that Troy Polamalu stars in currently, Clay Matthews (the only thing that can prevent him from doing so is his tragic dumbface affliction, seriously that dude looks like he fell face first through a shovel factory). WHATEVER, the Packers are good and this game is in Wisconsin so it will be cold and we’ll have to hear about that all night and they’ll probably win.

THE ATLANTA FALCONS are in the thick of the saddest playoff race in history. They currently sit in first place in the NFC South but they do so with a record of 5-7 (I wish there was a caps lock for numbers because a first place team having two TWO (that’s how you do it) more losses than wins deserves some e-shouting) WHICH IS TERRIBLE. I hope all the teams in their division all lose as much as possible so that we have a team with a terrible record in the playoffs and all the people who get huffy and puffy about these things head’s do this. The Falcons are not all the way terrible, they still have Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan (who still has the worst nickname in professional sports) at QB and Julio “I’m good so I don’t have a nickname” Jones at Wide Receiver, so their offense can at least be entertaining. On defense they do have one of my favorite names in all of man’s recorded history, this dude, but not much else SO THAT IS KIND OF DEPRESSING FOR THEM! MAYBE THEY SHOULD LISTEN TO MORE SMOG? BUT MAYBE ALSO ENOUGH WITH WHITE DUDES TELLING US ALL HOW HARD LIFE IS FOR THEM? EVEN IF THEY DO IT ARTFULLY? YOU KNOW WHO WONT HAVE A HARD TIME? US! TONIGHT! WHEN FOOTBALLZ RETURNS AT FULL STRENGTH! BECAUSE I’LL BE BACK ON THE MIC AND IN STUDIO! READY TO DRIZZLE MY SWEET SWEET WORD JUICE IN YOUR EARS! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! GEEEEEETTTTTTTT READDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY! TO LISTEN! FOOTBALLZ! SAVOR IT WHILE YOU CAN!


original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

This thing has returned! This time we have highlights from our week 7 show in front a live audience at the fantastic Parlor Sports. This episode also features guest talkings by the excellent TJ Connolly and the also excellent Kofi Thomas who are both excellent talkers and excellent enough to join us in front of people. We also talk a little bit about the game that we were ostensibly watching between the Steelers and the Texans, but really we only talk about it a little bit BECAUSE WE WERE ALL HAVING SO MUCH FUN! Listen in and relive the cherished moments of making fun of a dude on Tinder or when no one wanted to enter our raffle!