Monthly Archives: November 2014 - Page 2





To find this photo I had to get to know the worst musician on earth

To find this photo I had to get to know the worst musician on earth


Googling gigantism was not as gross as I thought it would be.

Googling gigantism was not as gross as I thought it would be.


How was your Halloween? Did you go out to a bar or event? So it was terrible right? Can we all agree that it is now the worst holiday to be out in public for? I feel like it combines all of the binge drinking of New Year’s Eve with the poor taste of dumb people trying to be “funny”. I was a mime so I didn’t have to talk to people and being out in Williamsburg that night made me want to stay that way for maybe the rest of my life BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU GUYS AND HOW YOU NEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEEEE and I have relented (also because, y’know, I have to talk to work and I don’t want to be one of those weird no talk monk dudes, mostly because of their weird robes, they look hella uncomfortable, plus how do you just eat a slice of pizza in one of those things without feeling like a employee at a ren fair on lunch break?). So let’s get to previewing tonight’s teams and find out which one is a contender and which one is just dressing like one at a shitty party trying to find someone to go home with till they get so drunk that they puke all over themselves.

THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS have the best and boringest young quarterback in the league, Andrew Luck. The dude is an amazing player for sure but has the personality of red apple (red apples are the worst fruit you can ever eat, right?). While the QB he replaced in Indy (Peyton Manning, not this dude though we will never forget you Curtis) eventually shook off his blandness and found his commercial dorky white guy persona, it seems like Luck is just going to stick with his rep as a boring sloberer. Lucky (I really am sorry, I did not mean to do that) for him he plays in Indianapolis, a city so boring that even I, a dude of some worldlyness, cannot name a single landmark in so his blandness fits. He also, like many bland white dudes in America, is leading his company to a lot of success, The Colts sit at 5-3 on top of the not super good AFC South with the playoffs almost a certainty.

THE NEW YORK GIANTS are also boring, not just because of their stupid uniforms and hideous pants but because they’ve been telling the same story for years now. Even when they won their two Super Bowls under the guidance of QB Eli Manning (the blander of the two Manning football brothers, which is kind of like the less flavorful of a pair of red apples) and slowly having his face melted old man coach Tom Coughlin, they were a team that was mediocre but got hot at the right time. This year they for sure have the mediocre thing down, their record is 3-4 and they’re in third place in a surprisingly competent NFC East, but their getting hot at the right time time seems to be running out a little bit. BUT WHO KNOWS? FOOTBALL IS WEIRD LIKE THAT! AND THAT’S WHY TONIGHT! WE WILL GET WEIRD WITH IT! AT OUR USUAL TIME OF 8:30PM! EASTERN! BUT IF YOU WANT TO HEAR ME TALK ON THE INTERNET IN A DIFFERENT WAY YOU CAN LISTEN TO WFMU’S SPORTSY TALK AT 6PM! BECAUSE I WILL BE A CALL IN GUEST AT AROUND 6:30! BUT THEN WE WILL DO OUR REGULAR THING! FEATURING A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH CROSSFIT IMPRESARIO CARL MCWATERS! AND MAYBE A CALL IN INTERVIEW! WE DON’T QUITE HAVE THAT BOOKED YET! SO IT WILL BE A SURPRISE! KIND OF LIKE MY VERY INTENSE FEELINGS ABOUT RED APPLES THAT I EXPOSED IN THIS COLUMN! MAYBE IT WILL BE A CALL FROM SOMEONE ON THE BOARD OF BIG RED APPLE! WHO KNOWS! LET’S ALL FIND OUT TOGETHER! TONIGHT! FOOOOOOOTTTBBBBAAAAALLLLLZZZZZZ!