Monthly Archives: October 2014 - Page 2

FOOTBALLZ WEEK SIX! NINERS V. RAMS!

apparently this a video game dude named niner, he could totally be a Niner's fan though, just look at those douchey goggles.

apparently this a video game dude named niner, he could totally be a Niner’s fan though, just look at those douchey goggles

vs.

This is the face that I make when I think about the Rams

This is the face that I make when I think about the Rams

FARTS,

Here we are, week six, 3/8th of the way through the season, THAT’S LIKE ALMOST HALFWAY! And today my team lost SO I HATE IT! Ah, the delights of staring a week of NFL talk about how good your team isn’t in the face. I’m currently in the first stage as I type this, full media blackout. I’m watching a terrible tv show on Netflix and will probably avoid all football related media till the game Monday night. LUCKILY this week we have two teams who I totally do not like so I can enjoy some dudes I am not into losing no matter what. If I can’t fell joy at least I can delight in the misery of others and that is why I write things on the internet. SO LET’S HEAR ABOUT THESE TEAMS THAT I DON’T LIKE.

THE SAN FRANCISCO FOURTY NINERS are perhaps my least favorite team in all of sports! They’re coached by a crybaby, who’s motto is “who’s got it better than us”, which makes people sound like dicks, even though I think it is supposed to make it sound like you are all grateful for how rad everything in your life is? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? I’m really not sure. It just seems like a thing that probably if it is your motto you shouldn’t tell people about it. Plus it seems like nobody likes this dude and he is not going to coach there next year, which is crazy since he took this team to the NFC championship game the last three years. HE MUST REALLY BE A DICK. Also, they play in San Francisco, oh wait nope, they play in Santa Clara, so like many companies in the Frisco (yes, I know that they hate it when they call it that) area they’re just treating the actual city like a bedroom community. Whatever, San Francisco stinks, it’s got all the pretension of New York except way stupider and it invented Burning Man. Colin Kaepernick’s turtle is cool though.

THE ST. LOUIS RAMS actually don’t evoke that much ire from me, I liked them when they won the Super Bowl that one time and their helmets are great (I actually prefer their older helmets but in this world of bland helmets you take what you can get). Right now though, the city and county of St Louis is kind of having a moment in the spotlight and it isn’t because of the fucking ribs and the sports fans there are being totally cool about it. So sorry Jeff Fisher, but you betrayed mustaches owners everywhere by moving onto the hideous Van Dyke, the scourge of facial hair havers around the world, and the city you coach in is filled with racists SO UP YOUR’S AND UP YOUR’S TO YOUR TEAM ALSO! SO TONIGHT WE WILL BE ALL UP YOUR EARS! WITH TALKING! AND NOT JUST US! WE WILL HAVE GUESTS! LONGTIME PAL JOSH LEVIN IS OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW! AND IT SOUNDS SUPER GOOD BECAUSE HE LET ME DO IT AT THE SLATE OFFICES RATHER THAN AT A NOISY COFFEE SHOP OR POLISH RESTAURANT! PLUS A PHONE CALL FROM ROLLING STONE/GRANTLAND’S JASON GALLAGHER! PLUS ALL OF THE REGULAR CRAP! AND IT’S A “HOLIDAY”! SO THERE’S THAT! I PROMISE TO BE IN A BETTER MOOD THAN I AM NOW! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! LISTEN TO US TALK CRAP ABOUT A DUMB GAME THAT MAKES US ALL SAD! WOO-HOO!

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! V.3!

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

BOOM! We’re back with FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Volume 3! IN THIS EPISODE we have the highlights of our week 3 broadcast of the Jets/Bears game that featured the talking talents of Erik and Andrew of the We Hate Movies Podcast and the full interview with comedian Lillian Devane. EVERYBODY IS GREAT! LISTEN IN FOOLS!

4th Quarter Poll for Week 5! SEA V. WAS — Sept.10-06-14

FOOTBALLZ CHAT! SEA V. WASH!

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ CHAT! SEA V. WASH!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FIVE! SEAHAWKS V. ____________!

THEY ARE THE BEST

THEY ARE THE BEST

vs.

yes, this again

yes, this again

Champions,

Did you hear? THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD (when it comes to football, I mean they are probably also champions of the known universe since it isn’t probable that football is played on other planets, BUT WHAT IF IT WAS? What if aliens totally were into football? I feel like this might have been a late episode of X Files, like when they had Terminator 2 on there) and now you people are going to have to listen to me talk about it for like three hours! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, life as a Seattle sports fan sucked for the better part of my conscious existence  and I’m feeling a little gloat-ey. Anyway, this week sees a game between good, the team I like, and more or less evil. Usually any other team that is playing the team I like qualifies for evil in my addled mind but in this instance the ownership of the Washington DC football team has shown itself to be a little more evil then your regular run of the mill sports team owner (and all sports owners are at least a little bit evil). You know Dan Snyder is evil because of this photo, j/k, he is evil because of, you know, THE RACISM (also maybe because of the carpet/wallpaper combo in whatever room that photo was taken in, that place looks like the waiting room for hell’s dentist). Enough about good and evil, jeez like we don’t have enough on that subject already, and let’s preview these teams filled with humans who are never truly good or bad but the crazy mix that inhabits us all!

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS were put on this earth to test me by an angry and vengeful god who, due to my devotion to him, allowed them to win the Super Bowl and become the champions that they are and thereby make me a champion because I rooted for them. HAHAHAHAHAHA, nope, the Seattle Seahawks are a group of human beings who I will probably never meet who have worked all of their lives to play a sport that might kill them. They are a mix of kinds of people, they do good things and they do bad things. They do not care that I like them (well, I can’t really tell if that’s true, I can assume, I mean I’m sure they are psyched to get the $30 I paid for a hat once (also, why are sports caps so expensive now? Not to be all Andy Rooney, but I feel like they were like, ten buck when I was a kid. Are they made of some sort of space aged polymer now?)) and my support has had nothing to do with their success or failure over the course of my 30+ years of doing so. You know what though, they are going to kick the Washington DC football team’s ass all over the field tonight and I worked my ass off this week and I’M GOING TO LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

THE WASHINGTON DC FOOTBALL TEAM is not filled with racists, the dudes who play on the field are not so different from their counterparts that play for the Seahawks. The crucial difference is that their owner is somewhere between a bit of a dick and a complete raging asshole, who refuses to acknowledge that his team’s current mascot is offensive and has been defined as such BY THE FUCKING DICTIONARY. Go ahead and watch the Daily Show piece about the whole thing, they get paid to be smarter and funnier about this stuff then I do (are of course they are). The actual team is kind of meh, they employ the brother of one of the ESPN personalities who will cover this game so that kind of sucks. They also are currently quarterbacked by a guy named Kirk, their previous franchise QB who they paid dearly for is currently nursing an ankle injury and may never play for the team again (don’t be sad for him, he’ll always have that weird sandwich bust that his corporate sponsor, Subway, made). Kirk has been not super terrible but also not super great but he’s a white dude so some people hope he remains the starter because that’s how some white people are. NOT US THOUGH! WE THINK DUDES NAMED KIRK STINK! AND SHOULD BE SENT THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE FOR ETERNITY! AND TONIGHT! WE WILL FREE YOU FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE OF YOUR BRAIN! TO FROLIC IN THE FIELDS OF MIRTH AND MERRIMENT! AND FOOTBALL! AND WE WILL DO IT WITH A HALFTIME INTERVIEW OF HILARIOUS COMEDIC PERSON MEHRAN KHAGHANI! AND A CALL FROM WILL BRINSON OF CBS SPORTS! I WILL TRY NOT ASK HIM WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A FANTASY LEAGUE WITH JIM PARSONS, TED DANSON, AND DAVID CARUSO’S SUNGLASSES! BECAUSE THAT WOULD OFFEND! AND I ONLY OFFEND THOSE WHO CANNOT HEAR ME A REPLY! BECAUSE I’VE ALWAY BEEN A COWARD! AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR ME! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! THE GREATEST TEAM IN ALL OFF PROFESSIONAL SPORPS AGAINST A GROUP OF TOTAL RACISTS! YOU KNOW WHO I’LL BE ROOTING FOR! NO, NOT THE RACISTS YOU TURD! THE SEAHAWKS! THEY BETTER PLAY WELL OR THIS EPISODE WILL JUST BE ME GROANING AND THROWING MY HAT ON THE FLOOR! BUT THAT, IN A WAY, IS COMPELLING! SO MAYBE LISTEN TO HEAR MY PERSONALITY SPLINTER INTO A THOUSAND PIECES! LIVE! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ! SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRPPPPPPPSSSSSSS!

FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! V.2!

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

original image by Aaron Dana, modification by Denise Kupferschmidt

Here for your Saturday (or really any day, it’s a podcast) is episode two of FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! In which we present highlights from our week 2 broadcast of the Colts/Eagles game along with the entire interview done in a semi-noisy Polish restaurant (you get used to it after a while) with musician Jim McHugh. Jim is perhaps the only Buffalo Bills fan from North Carolina, as well as a member of the bands Nymph/Drunken Foreigner Band/like a million other music groups around NYC, and he holds forth on a wide array of topics related to sports, music, and bar/restaurant etiquette. He is awesome and you should listen to him talk, I also talk but you can just tune me out. LISTEN NOW! OR SOME OTHER TIME!