Monthly Archives: May 2014

FOOTBALLZ DRAFT CHAT

 

FOOTBALLZ DRAFT DAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! TONIGHT! 8PM! WITH GUESTS!

THIS IS WAY THIS DUDE THINKS OF PLAYERS

THIS IS WAY THIS DUDE THINKS OF PLAYERS

THE TRAINING IS OVER DUDES because we have come upon it DRAAAAFFFTTTTT DAAAAYYYYY (or as my friend who works for the African American Studies Department of an Ivy League school calls it “that thing where they measure a bunch of dudes and then rich people get to pick which ones they own?”) and we here at FOOTBALLZ are ready. We’ve spent months reading mock drafts and insider analysis, hashing out team needs, watching game tape, and tak- oh no WE HAVEN’T DONE ANY OF THAT. I, personally, have been basking in the glow of my team’s SUPER BOWL VICTORY (I did not go though my boss did, and he brought me his ticket stub and some confetti AND I CHERISH THAT SHIT, so much so that I look at it and this pops into my head except in my version of the video it’s me and the Lombardi Trophy and I guess what we do on the beach is a little more like this) and wondering why there have been so many feet washing up in the the Great Northwest. The closest I’ve gotten to deep draft research is picking out the best and worst names for prospects (CHEERS: Jimmy Garoppolo! JEERS: Blake Bortles(opposite of exclamation point!)) and watching the worst movie (sorry I lied about reviewing it, life’s rich pageant of computer problems and rental car fuck ups got in the way. Don’t worry we’ll talk about the hot garbage movie plenty during the broadcast). I believe this has put us in the perfect position to tell you what you need to know about a bunch of names being said out loud by a total asswipe (YEAH I SAID ASSWIPE, TAKE THAT COMMISH! Actually this calls for an entire paragraph break level explanation.

Roger Goodell is a piece of shit for real. I listened to his interview on the normally pretty great Rich Eisen Podcast and despite knowing that this is an NFL sponsored endeavor, I was shocked at the level of hubris he had about expanding the playoffs and extending the season to 18 games. I was more shocked that in doing so he didn’t mention player safety even once, he spent more time talking about extending the draft to FOUR FUCKING DAYS then he did talking about player safety, he spent just as much time talking about hard core cat pornography as he did talking about player safety BECAUSE HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT PLAYER SAFETY FOR EVEN A SECOND. This is the great issue facing the NFL right now and the fucking head of the whole goddamn thing can talk about making these guys play more games, withstand more punishment, make him and the people he works for more money, without even for a moment attaching even the slightest caveat about doing so with respect to the players’ well being. WHAT A TOTAL DICK.)

while Jets fans lustily boo and dudes who get paid a lot more than us to argue about it. SO TONIGHT! WE WILL BRING YOU HOURS OF US TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE TALKING! WHICH WILL MOSTLY BE US JUST TALKING! AND THE REGULAR MUSIC DURING COMMERCIALS! UNLESS WE DECIDE WE WANT TO KEEP TALKING OVER THOSE TOO! I HAVE SOME GREAT TUNES LINED UP EITHER WAY! AND GUESTS! WE’LL BE TALKING TO ACTUAL JETS WHO CAN IS LITERATE ENOUGH TO WRITE FRED KATZ! PERHAPS WE WILL HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE WHILE THE JETS PICK! AND THEN LATER IN THE SHOW BOB SILVERMAN! WHO IS GOING TO THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY JUST LIKE ME! TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT I ALSO PLAN ON WRITING ABOUT! LET’S SEE HOW THAT CONVERSATION GOES! IT ALLLLLLL GOES DOWN TONIGHT! AT 8PM! OR PROBABLY A LITTLE EARLIER! HERE! AT FOOTBALLZ! AND PROBABLY OVER AT THE CLASSICAL’S CLOG! TALKING ABOUT TALKING! FOOTBALL! AMMMMERRRRIIIICCCAAAAAAA!

FOOTBALLZ DRAFT PREVIEW! PT.1 THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING!

The boringest image for what should be the boringest thing

The boringest image for what should be the boringest thing

HEY POOPS,

WE ARE BACK, AGAIN! Did you all enjoy the Superb Owl? I did, that Owl surpassed superb and ended up supreme for me BECAUSE MY TEAM WON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHFDOHASDFIOHQIOWRFONQOFNNRFNQEFQIORFPIJWFPJQWRFIPJR, those were the sounds my brain made during and after the game. I had a party to go to after and the party had free drinks and cool people and awesome music for dancing but I was totally wrung out emotionally so I was just like whatever. THAT WAS MY DREAM STYLE OF PARTY ALWAYS and it meant nothing, such was the power of that owl. ANYWAY now we get to the boringest (why does spellcheck not want that to be a word, I use it enough to know it is totally a word) part of any football season, the stupid stupid stupid draft. A time of year where no one is playing football but we still get the all of the regular yelling and speculation from the dudes in bad suits that talk while people are playing football, great. Not only are they yelling still but now they have even less knowledge then they did before and they have almost nothing to yell about other than kids who are barely old enough to drink and how much they suck. BUT WE DON’T CARE, we’re here to add our own terrible voices to this cacophony of nonsense, our own lack of expertise to the vast ocean of inexpertise (which should be a word FOR REALZ) that rules the day here on the internet/television. YES, WE HERE AT FOOTBALLZ WILL STOOP TO COVER THE DRAFT! I mean we watched the whole Pro Bowl for crying out loud (we did get to see this, which was weirdly engrossing despite the fact that naked female bodies appearing on a screen has such ubiquity in this day and age. Dudes’ capacity for wanting to possibly seeing a spontaneous titty is more vast than the universe) so how could we resist talking for five hours over a program that is pretty much just other people talking? FOOTBALLZ LIVES FOR THIS GARBAGE!

I was not always so cool to the draft’s charms, when I was a youth I used to live for it (of course this was when my team, THE WORLD CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, were terrible). The draft was a day when your team could “win” without playing a single down, a day where even the truly awful could see hope over that next hill, a day where my dad would totally let me stay home from Synagogue so I could watch (he was less excited when I would beg to stay home for the annual Red Dwarf marathon on PBS (he did tape if for me though, thanks Dad!)). I would set up in our tv room with three newspapers and as many draft magazines as I could afford to watch with rapt attention as a series of names was read and then a bunch of dudes argued about those names (I wish they had actually argued about the names, Chris Berman: “Ryan Leaf really looks more like a Chet to me.” Mel Kiper: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! He’s totally a Ryan, if anything I feel like he should go with the more popular first name spelling of his last name, Ryan Leif has all the name makings of a teen idol!”). I LOVED IT but I was also kind of a miserable child at that age so now that I’m “grown up” or at least hopefully approaching the end of this extended adolescence that has masqueraded as adulthood so far I have come to recognize THIS THING IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.

THIS BULLSHIT THING WILL BE WORTH A WEEK OR SO COVERAGE FROM FOOTBALLZ THOUGH. Next week, as we lead up to our LIVE COVERAGE OF ROUND 1 THAT BEGINS THURSDAY MAY 8TH AT 8PM OR SO, we will reawaken for all sorts of nonsense. This nonsense may just entail my review of Draft Day (here’s a preview, I THOUGHT IT WAS AWFUL) and a “mock draft” of some kind BUT WHO KNOWS! WE COULD DO ANYTHING! ALSO! I WILL BE AT THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY! JUST LOOK FOR THE GUY WHO LOOKS SUPER SAD AND IS WONDERING WHY HE TOOK A DAY OFF FROM WORK TO DO THIS! BUT I KNOW WHY! FOR YOU, DEAR READER! AND ALSO BECAUSE MAYBE I HATE MYSELF! AND FEEL LIKE THINGS LIKE THIS ARE PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF THE WRONGS I HAVE DONE BOTH KNOWINGLY AND UNKNOWINGLY IN MY LIFE! WHEW THAT GOT WEIRD! BUT WEIRD IS WHAT WE DO! AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLL OVER THE NFL DRAFT! SO PUT ON YOUR GALLAGHER STYLE FRONT ROW PONCHOS OR WE MIGHT GET OUR WEIRD ON YOU!