Monthly Archives: December 2013 - Page 2

Live Chat: Bears vs. Cowboys

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 14! BEARS V. COWBOYS!

Fozzy hasn't slept in a while but needs a hug here in the arts and crafts section of a warehouse. WHO WILL HUG NO-DOZE FOZZY?

Fozzy hasn’t slept in a while but needs a hug here in the arts and crafts section of a warehouse. WHO WILL HUG NO-DOZE FOZZY?

vs.

I don't even understand what this means.

I don’t even understand what this means.

WINTER DRIVERS,

Guys, I’m kind of not into this game. After last week’s three hours of euphoria (the feeling and not the drug from that one episode of 90210, which I think was actually spelled U4EA which might be the most 90s spelling of anything ever) I’m feeling a little let down (just like Brandon when he found out that Emily had dosed him with the aforementioned U4EA despite his protests. That Emily, so wild, so impulsive). Maybe it’s the winter coming on or the possibility of seeing a McCown brother for the third week in a row, but it just seems like this game is going to be booooorrrriiinnnng. The Bears and the Cowboys are two middle of the road teams who may or may not make the playoffs but they are for sure playing tonight AND WE ARE ALL GOING TO FOR SURE WATCH THEM.

THE CHICAGO BEARS got a head coach from Canada like one might get a bag of all dressed and the results have been similar, the team is for sure different, a little weird, but ultimately not life changing. You see, for years under Lovie Smith (yep, that is totally his real name FOR REAL HIS PARENTS NAMED HIM LOVIE) the Bears had an awesome defense and a crappy offense and now under the super weird haired Marc Trestman (seriously, what is going on there? I cannot understand this hair, is it curly? Is it wavy? Earlier photos suggest a mulletish nature but google image search fails to throw light on this deep mystery.) the opposite is true, the bears have a pretty good offense (that even under the stewardship of a McCown is halfway decent) and a stinky defense. They find themselves just on the outskirts of the playoff race so I guess they will keep playing hard? I guess they’re getting paid and everything so keep bashing your brains dudes.

THE DALLAS COWBOYS are still in the thick of the playoff picture and get talked about all the time (for mostly super dumb reasons) so I’m not sure I have much to add to the gallons of e-ink that has been spilled over these dudes. They also have a good offense and a crappy defense so maybe this game will be a a touchdown filled delight! I was almost certain that this would be the first game where both of our team touchdown songs would be by our favorite maker of team songs Golden Boy (Fospassin) but somehow he has failed to do a Cowboys song. WHAT’S THE DEAL GOLDEN BOY? I guess we’ll have to hope for many Bears touchdowns so we can hear this little piece of magic over and over, GOT GET EM MCCOWN! Anyway, the Cowboys are probably better than the Bears and will win and we’ll have to look at the dumb gleeful face of their dick owner, AND SEASONAL DEPRESSION WILL SET IN. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! WE HAVE THE CURE FOR YOUR SADS! IT COMES FROM OUR MOUTHS! GROSS RIGHT? BUT IN THE WAY YOU THINK! IT WILL BE GROSS HOW MUCH YOU ENJOY YOURSELF! YOU WILL DROOL! DON’T FIGHT IT! LET THE DROOL OUT! IT’S GOING TO BE A DROOL OUT! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! WE WILL TALK! YOU WILL LISTEN! WE HAVE A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH OLD PAL MUSIC/ART IMPRESARIO BEN SISTO! AND PERHAPS A GUEST IN STUDIO? WHO KNOWS! IT IS A MYYYYYYYSSSSSTTTTTERRRRRRRY! SO TUNE IN! TONIGHT! FOOOOOTTTTBBBAAAALLLZZZ!

A Number of Reasons to Keep Watching #NFL Even If Your #Football Team Has Already Proven to Be Really Awful

Here’s a Tostito’s Presents #footballscoop for you:  It is December in the NFL.

Basically what that means is that roughly half of the league’s [true] fans can start thinking to themselves “Who cares” as they watch the remains of another season wash down the terr-lit. Dudes can pretend to woo us back with mathematical charts and enticingly complex scenarios spread out on crappy TV graphics on who’s already clinched (…their butts lol), who’s leading the Wild Card races, and who is IN THE HUNT and yes we might be convinced of the juicy PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS of this week’s slate of games.

But the truth is your season is over (plus this) outside of the chance to play spoiler to some other teams you irrationally hate and of course your fantasy league teams, which get a life.  December is a long month full of 31 days which you could use to be looking for better jobs, pitching more reputable publications, or even testing the waters of the real estate market in your local area.  Never mind – because it’s December, no one other than Old Navy is hiring and owning houses is for suckers.

I tried to think of some special aspects of late-season football that can keep you watching despite all the rational reasons against it.

1. BEING BITTER

Let’s start with just straight up bitterness.  You hate the NFL and have realized that it’s all rigged and even if it weren’t rigged it’s a complete farce of common sense and human decency.  Oh great let’s spend twenty minutes studying the instant replay to see if the outside of this guy’s shoe was on this or that side of a blurry line of white pixels on my screen.  Yes I’m completely sure it is a justified penalty that they charged you with there, no no, sure, keep arguing about it.  Ha ha, idiots caring about a pointless and hollowed out sport that only exists to make billions of dollars for corporations.

That’s a pretty good way to watch the season, I can tell you from first-hand experience.

2. REALLY INTERESTING STATISTICS

But it’s also worth your consideration to bear in mind the statistical game. We can always find unexpected thrills in reading statistics and leader boards and comparing them to the greats of yesteryear. For example, Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon just became the first wide receiver in the history of the NFL to put up over 200 yards receiving in back to back games.  This mark of greatness has helped nudge his team to a total of zero wins during that stretch, which is pretty cool.

Another statistical number that is always fun to keep an eye on is who will have the most passing yards each year.  It’s always a thrill to get to the end of the season and see if anyone has broken the record yet again.

3.  SEASONAL FAN ATTIRE

Numbers too complicated for you?  Keep an eye on the cold-weather stadiums, where it’s interesting to watch the crowd struggle to maintain its monochromaticism while at the same time protect itself from frostbite.  Ha ha you can’t all afford to purchase team-color winter coats from Starter!  Get a job, Buffalo.

Actually they can fix the crowd with computers now.

4. HOPING A LEFTOVER COMMERCIAL FROM EARLIER IN THE SEASON WILL COME ON AND MAKE YOU FEEL NOSTALGIC

5. YOU’RE A PSYCHOPATH WHO LIKES WATCHING GUYS CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO EACH OTHER FOR EVEN LESS OF A REASON THAN YOU USED TO HAVE

6. FRESH TAKES ON SWEATERVEST/SPORTSCOAT COMBOS FROM COLLINSWORTH

7. MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE TRAVELING THROUGHOUT THE NATION EACH WEEKEND

8. ANYTHING TO HELP PUT SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE EVER-CHANGING LOCAL INDIE ROCK SCENE (IF THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL LATELY)

All I’m saying is don’t get discouraged – get out there and consume some football, my friends!

 

THROW LIKE A GIRL: Finally

COOKIES!

COOKIES!

by Deborah

now that it’s the home stretch (wrong sport?) of the football season, it’s time for the home stretch of the meal. and the best part! the goal! grand slam! three-pointer! set point! condor (yes, really a sports term!)! touch! which, i suppose, leads to touchdown! you get what i’m saying, right? fine, i’ll spell it out for you.

dessert!

yup, from here on out, desserts only allowed in this woman cave. wow, that phrase really does sound even worse than man cave, something i didn’t know was possible. i guess i never thought of sexualizing man cave, but the woman is just asking for it. am i right?

anyway, no more looking back on what could have been (oh popper, where were you when i needed you?, and stadium, you could have held my wings so well). it’s time to look forward into a life of indulgence worthy of your man’s weekend friends.

let’s start this magnificent chapter off with a dessert that will also help all the lady-folk stay awake for an entire football game. to do this, you need two key ingredients: chocolate (caffeine) and coffee (caffeine). with that in mind:

chocolate-espresso cookies

for anyone actually looking for a recipe, go here. for anyone who is so much more riveted by my discussion of straightforward recipes that end in deliciousness and great hosting (eat it, martha stewart!), just keep reading. here are the things you need to know about this pile of goodness:

ingredients:

  • the very first thing you will notice is that this recipe only calls for 6 tablespoons of flour. this is just enough to ward off every annoying person you know who pretends to have a gluten allergy, but it’s so little that it leaves your cookies with that delightfully fudgy mouth feel (a phrase i can sneak in without feeling like a snobby idiot, because the gluten free crowd wears that crown for this recipe) of flourless baked goods.
  • instant espresso powder isn’t something that everyone has, because it’s a shitty way to drink coffee. but it’ll last forever and you can bake with it other times too, so you might as well get a small jar and hide it in the back of your cabinet.
  • i think the walnuts are a waste of space and should be dropped from the acceptable list of nuts eaten by humans. there is another nut – the pecan – that is like a good version of walnuts. just forget about the dumb walnut. don’t bother to put it in here. you might think that having a little bit of crunch is a good counter to the gooey experience of the batter. but why isn’t gooey enough? why does a nut have to get in the way? throwing in a few white chocolate chips (which are almost as pointless and gross as walnuts but not quite) can provide a counter texture (that pairs with the already included chocolate chips) if needed, without making me feel sorry for you because you’re eating a walnut. uggh, i can’t even think about it anymore.
  • the rest of the ingredients aren’t really worth discussing. they’re your garden variety baking ingredients. if you can think of anything interesting to say about any of them, please feel free to amend these notes that you keep taped in your recipe book. i just can’t get invested in the best country of origin for vanilla (comoros) or which company is best at churning your butter (kate’s) or even which brand of chocolate maximizes the richness of these cookies (already been settled). why would anyone care about any of that shit? just get the basics for baking and you’re ready to go.

preparation:

this is one of the best things about this recipe. there is pretty much nothing to it, so you can be almost as lazy as all the dudes in your living room watching other people bother to exercise. you do have to melt the chocolate, which requires stirring and paying attention so it doesn’t burn. but you don’t actually need to bother with things like an electric mixer, despite the instructions, because it’s just not hard to combine the wet ingredients (or should i say moist? that’s for you, ladies!). once you’ve poured the dry ingredients in a bowl, melted the chocolate, and stirred the newly-dubbed moist ingredients, you just put them all in the same bowl (in backwards order) with whatever other stuff (like chocolate chips but not, as we’ve established, walnuts) you like in your cookies. as with all cookies, these have to make it onto a baking sheet and cooked, but if you’ve been able to read things on the internet, surely you can put cookie dough in an oven and let it heat up.

eating:

now you hand over everything you’ve prepared for a great dessert snack time, complete with richy rich flavor and fuck-the-gluten-free-assholes texture, to the deserving men+friends of the house. and you can go back and play in your woman cave.

4th Quarter Poll for Week 13! Saints vs. Seahawks!

Live Chat: Seahawks vs. Saints

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 13! SUPER COOL DUDES THE SEAHAWKS V. SAINTS!!

Yeah, they're that awesome

Yeah, they’re that awesome

vs.

Judo chop

Judo chop

HOLIDAY SHOPPERS,

How was your Thanksgiving? I was visiting my girlfriend’s family and I was able to avoid my nightmare about trying to shave my mustache and not being able to get it even until it was the size of a Hitler mustache and then having my razor break, SO MINE WAS PRETTY GOOD! Did you guys bust doors? Did you watch the lame football that happened? I managed to turn on the last game just in time to see this (do not watch unless you kind of don’t want to watch football anymore) and missed this (which was almost as awesome as this), so that was less good (also, if you really want to be a bad boyfriend, switch away from a movie that you and your girlfriend are watching just to “check in on the game” then somehow time it for a moment where there is a horrifying head injury! That totally makes the ladies love you and also football and definitely does not make them say, “I don’t understand how you watch this.” PRO TIPS DAWGS). NOW LET US GIVE THANKS FOR LESS CRAPPY FOOTBALL BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE ARE GETTING TONIGHT!

THE SUPER COOL NICE DUDE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS come into this game sporting a nifty and totally rad 10-1 record that is totally the best in the NFL which is appropriate because they are the best. When we all last laid eyes on them together, I try to lay eyes on them as much as possible all by myself (yes, that even sounds gross to me), they were struggling to beat a very feisty Rams team as you all listened to me throw my hat repeatedly in frustration. Since then they’ve kind of f-ed people up pretty bad for a few weeks but coming into this game they are a little shorthanded dude to, um, smoking weed? It seems as if two of their top cornerbacks have been suspended for partaking of a completely legal in the state they live in. Though I am an out and out Seahawks homer this is seriously some bullshit. These dudes play a game for the pleasure of us all that may or may not ruin their brains forever so if they want to do a thing (that is once again TOTALLY LEGAL in the state they live in) that might give them a moment of relief or pleasure in their life I say let these dudes do it (I also say the same thing about celebrating after touchdowns or really any other play, what kind of ninny is all like “wah-wah, I hate dancing.” What are you? John Lithgow in Footloose?). Whatever man, just stay off the crippler, unless you want to end up living in a lean-to (which I hear is bad for the bump and run skills).

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are fine, I mean I really don’t have a huge problem with them. I don’t have much more to say then I did weeks ago. Jimmy Graham is still awesome and can ruin your field while being so awesome, Rob Ryan is still calling mad blitzes and buying mad drinks, and Drew Brees is still a tiny passing wunderkind, so they a force to be reckoned with. I generally am a fan of the things they do (except for this weird monster that one of their fans made but I guess that isn’t their fault. Man, I have not spent enough time exploring the NFL handmade section of Etsy, THANKSGIVING RESOLUTION #1)  but tonight they can SUCK SOME EGGS! YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! TONIGHT THERE’S GOING TO BE A JAILBREAK (actually this song is pretty stupid, obviously the jailbreak that is supposed to take place “somewhere in this town” is going to take place by the jail, right? Or maybe this song takes place in a city of jails, that would make sense)! SEAHAWKS RULE YOU BUTTHOLES! TONIGHT WE WILL ALL LEARN! EITHER THAT OR YOU WILL LEARN WHAT IS SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I THROW MY HAT AT THE FLOOR OF OUR STUDIO! BUT EITHER WAY THIS SHOULD BE A HOTTTTTT ONNNNNEEEEEEE! TONIGHT! 8:30 PM! TALKING! SQUAKING! WITH HALFTIME GUEST ARTIST/LOUISIANA NATIVE LIZZIE WRIGHT! AND A PHONE CALL FROM ABE SCHWADRON OF SLAM’S TD DAILY (NO RELATION)! ALL IN ALL IT WILL RULE! AND YOU WILL DROOL! WITH DELIGHT! WHEN YOU LISTEN! TO FOOOOOOOOTTTTBBBBBAAAALLLLZZZZZZZZZ!