Monthly Archives: November 2013

4th Quarter Poll for Week 12! 49ers vs. Red Shirts!

Live Chat: Niners vs. Washington American Football Club

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 12! NINERS V. WASHINGTON AMERICAN FOOTBALL CLUB!

unlike the football team, I like these 49ers

unlike the football team, I like these 49ers

vs.

yes, this again

yes, this again

PHOTO POSERS

Oh man, last week was sooooooo much fun! It was great to see all you weirdos! Everybody was super awesome and gave us great live chat questions and now my microphone has a name that I have to say all the time that I can’t remember right now but is written on a piece of paper in the studio (so don’t worry Gretchen). ALL IN ALL IT WAS FANTASTIC and we want to thank both our host Middlesex Lounge and our guest Ryan Walsh for being A+++++++++ and would do business again. This week we return to our cold lonely studio to talk about a game that will most likely be a blowout between teams that are deplorable for totally different reasons, FOOTBALL!

THE SAN FRANCISCO FORTY-NINERS are my least favorite team in football that plays in one of my least favorite cities in the world (I will grant that the food there is amazing but this is basically the city that invented Burning Man and there are not enough “rad” burritos in the world that can erase that crime). The Niners are led by an overwrought ninny who whines like a baby when things don’t go his way (as a Seahawks fan who is still irate about Super Bowl XL, I know a whiny baby when I see one) and followed by a fanbase that does the same, so in closing THEY ARE THE WORST (some personal anecdotal evidence, a couple weeks ago I was at a sports bar wearing my traditional Sunday sports hat (not this one, that’s my traditional Sunday non-sports hat) displaying my Seahawks fannery among groups of all sorts of fans. We were all enjoying the Sunday and the fellowship of watching rich dudes hurt themselves for our pleasure respectfully. Nobody talking shit, mothers’ reputations remaining unsullied, just good clean fun. Then a real dummy in a Niners hat walks into the bar looking like microwaved garbage as they are want to do, see’s my cap, looks at me, and goes “nineeerrrrsss” as he walks by, SEE THESE PEOPLE ARE TURDS)! Also this photo makes it look like their QB makes it with a turtle WHICH I GUESS IS HOW THEY DO THINGS OUT THERE. Also their new stadium (which is, oh boy, almost 50 miles from actual San Francisco, real cool dudes) has killed two people already, SO THEY ARE BASICALLY MURDERERS. I hope they lose by all of the points (but they probably won’t).

THE WASHINGTON AMERICAN FOOTBALL CLUB are very very bad this year. Last year’s delicious milk of winning (winning people drink milk right? Like race car dudes or something?) has curdled into a lumpy mess of sour smelling sad losses at the back of their team fridge. Their defense is indeed hot garbage, which is sad since one of the dudes thought to be a cornerstone has finally stopped torturing that caveman (one would hate to think that he built his success on the back of cro magnon bullying). Their one time superstar (and human Subway advertisement) RGIII’s leadership is being questioned (allow me if you will a hotsportstake, why is it that when a quarterback’s leadership or maturity is questioned it is usually a black dude? Eli Manning has been a pile of poop this year and nobody is crowing about his body language or need to “step up”) and what was once the most promising of careers may already be foundering. All in all a terrible year for a proud franchise WHO’S NAME IS TOTALLY RACIST AND UNTIL THEY CHANGE IT SHOULD BE CURSED TO LOSING (this case may take it out of their hands anyway, once they can’t make money on it I bet those dicks drop the name like a hot rock and credit it to some sort of realization about the insensitivity of the whole thing). BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL NOT BE CURSED! UNLESS YOU COUNT MAKING FUNNY HA HA TIME OR LISTENING TO FUNNY HA HA TIME A CURSE! MAYBE IF THAT WAS ALL THERE WAS! LIKE WE’D ONLY MAKE JOKES FOREVER AND YOU’D JUST LAUGH FOREVER! LIKE THAT MOVIE “GYPSY HATES FAT DUDE“! THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED RIGHT? ANYWAY THE CURSE WILL BE ON ANYONE WHO DOESN’T LISTEN TO FOOTBALLZ THIS WEEK! WE HAVE TWO AWESOME GUESTS! WMBR/SOMERVILLE SPEAKOUT HOST PATRICK BRYANT WILL JOIN US IN STUDIO! AND JASON HIRSCHHORN OF ACME PACKING COMPANY (DON’T WORRY, IT’S A GREEN BAY PACKERS BLOG NOT, LIKE, A MOVING COMPANY OR SOMETHING) WILL CALL IN AND PROBABLY BE VERY SAD ABOUT SCOTT TOLZIEN! AND THE RETURN OF THE RACIST JAR! SO MUCH TO LISTEN TO! SO MUCH ENJOYMENT! 8:30PM! EASTERN! TONIGHT! FOOOOOTTTBBBBAAALLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!

INTERVIEWZ: Chris Gethard

a really solid dude

a really solid dude

Here is our super long (seriously, you get two dudes of a certain age, not these ones, talking about comics/sports/wrestling/comedy and there is a possibility that the conversation will never end) interview with the awesome Chris Gethard of The Chris Gethard Show. Chris is one of the nicest people you can meet and we had an awesome time sitting down with him (and later the super of his building as he tried to figure out the problem with Chris hot water in the afternoon, really you should listen to the whole thing to get to that legendary piece of recorded history). LISTEN TO THIS and then watch TCGS tonight, apparently they have some big news.

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4th Quarter Poll for Week 11! 2013! (Patriots vs. Panthers)

Live Chat: Pats vs. Cats

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 11! PATS V. CATS! THIS ONE IS LIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEE!!!!!!

IF YOU GET THIS YOU ARE OLD

IF YOU GET THIS YOU ARE OLD

vs.

IF YOU GET THIS YOU ARE ALSO OLD AND A NERD

IF YOU GET THIS YOU ARE ALSO OLD

TERRIBLE TOASTERS

HOLY MOLY THIS WEEK! This week is super special guys (not that every week that week get bleep in your beautiful ears is not super special, I suppose this week is super super special) since it is our first-ish live in a place that you can come to provided you are 21+ version of FOOTBALLZ ever (we tried this once the first year we did this show and it was not the best thing but it did more or less net one of us a girlfriend (not to imply that girlfriends are like fish or dolphins that can be caught in nets, unless they are like mermaids or something))! HERE IS MORE INFORMATION YOU DONGLES, we’d love to see all of your faces staring back at us in horror as you realize that yes we do really look like that. There will be lots of fun things, like guests (Ryan Walsh of this band will be there talking), and beer, and other alcoholic drinks for purchase, and probably some audience participation nonsense (you can create a drinking game for every time I screw up a musical cue or you can just choose not to end up a drunken mess by the end of the night). This should also be a pretty good game as the New England Patriots travel to Charlotte  to play the suddenly surging Carolina Pathers (which is more than I can say for their expansion buddies the Jacksonville Jaguars, who finally got their first win. At least Jacksonville has this musuem to keep their fan’s spirit’s up (hopefully said fans don’t die laughing at the name of the museum as I almost did (seriously this WHOLE PREVIEW could just be about the hilarity that I just enjoyed reading up on this place, I MEAN COME ON (no pun intended, for realz)))), marking the first time we’ve had two good teams playing each other in about a bazillion years (yes, the Bears/Packers game was good on paper but anything that ends up being a QB matchup of Seneca Wallace and a McCown brother cannot be called “good” unless you are related to one of those dudes). SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE WANGS.

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS are dicks, sorry everybody. Well, not all of them (who can say what a Kembrell Thompkins is like, it sounds like the name of the dude that sends me spam emails), but at least the two dudes who have been the architects of their sustained success in the last decade or so, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, are total dicks. Brady, once thought to be a feel good story of a late round pick becoming a star, has spent most of the season yelling at people (don’t worry, his wife is into it) which added to the crimes of leaving his pregnant girlfriend and being really into Uggs makes Brady out to be kind of a turd (then again he did make this face and that is awesome). As for Belichick, he is for sure a wife stealer and a total bore but I’m not sure I agree that he is a double agent (he does seem like the kind of dude that would do this though). That being said the Patriots machine has seemed to falter a little bit these days whether it be due to injury, defection, or other. Let’s see if they can keep it together.

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are getting to be pretty good, after a slow start to their season they have run off a 5 game winning streak and gotten the citizens of Carolina (I suppose they represent all of them?) dreaming of a deep playoff run. This streak has certainly saved the job of embattled coach Ron Rivera (who has gone from super fire-able to folk hero) and has finally stopped the inane conversations about Cam Newton’s body language (which should be the name of either his Prince cover band or his workout tape). The streaks real author’s have been the teams front seven, lead by the almost all awesomenly named combination of Kawann Short, Star Lotulelei, Luke Kuechly, Greg Hardy, and Charles Johnson (seriously Charles, can you get a weird extra vowel in there or make the H in your first name silent of something?).  These dudes have been crumpling people into little balls all season long and will look to do the same tonight. TONIGHT I SAID! WE RETURN! AND YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO WATCH! OR JUST LISTEN LIKE REGULAR! IT’LL BE AWESOME EITHER WAY! BUT IF YOU SHOW UP YOU MAY HAVE THE CHANCE TO NAME A PIECE OF FOOTBALLZ EQUIPMENT (NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERVS)! OR WIN ANOTHER PRIZE OR SOMETHING! AND GET TO SEE THE FANTASTICALLY HANDSOME RYAN WALSH OF HALLELUJAH THE HILLS TALK ABOUT A SPORT HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT! SO COME BY IN PERSON OR ONLINE! 8PM IN PERSON 8:30 ONLINE! FOOTBALLZ!

INTERVIEWZ: Harry Cheadle of Vice

Cheadle in his non-natural habitat

Cheadle in his non-natural habitat

AH YES! After some technical issues, we are proud to present the full interview that I did with Vice Associate Editor/Man Getting Hit By Football Harry Cheadle. He is great, the talk was great, the sound was okay!

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THROW LIKE A GIRL: Food That’s Made For Throwing

a young Gene Shalit

a young Gene Shalit

by Deborah

what was i thinking? marinated eggplant as football food? maybe, at a kennedy center football party . but for real america, i should probably bring it back to the basics. to the kind of food you want to snack on while watching action or trying to get action: popcorn. i assume it’s popular because people want something they know they can throw at the screen if necessary.

but there’s some pretty interesting stuff about popcorn too:

  • there’s the world’s largest popcorn ball, not shockingly found in indiana (home of popcorn godfather orville redenbacher). perhaps shocking that it includes over 5,000 lbs of syrup used as glue.
  • you can always eat yourself into popcorn lung to become a millionaire
  • or read up for an incredibly detailed history of why popcorn is so great, as only our nation’s museum could bother to detail.
  • plus there are all these thrilling facts about popcorn, although i got distracted well before the bottom of the page.

that being said, why read about popcorn when you can eat it? and you’ll definitely want to eat it if you put the right shit on top of it. i recommend kettle corn, caramel corn, of course the epicurious version of popcorn, and even smartfood popcorn. but the best stuff is when you put on our family flavors. here goes……

instructions for making popcorn:

  1. put a couple tablespoons of vegetable oil in a wok with a few popcorn kernels. turn your stove on medium to medium-high heat, put the lid on, and wait for the kernels to pop. now your oil is hot enough.
  2. put 1/3 cup of popcorn kernels in the wok, again covering the lid (otherwise oops). gently shake your wok with some frequency, so the kernels cook evenly. keep heating them until the popping slows down and a few seconds pass without any popping.
  3. pour the popcorn into a bowl. pour a couple tablespoons of melted butter into the same bowl and mix it all up. now flavors will stick to your popcorn.
  4. time for the flavors, which you keep adding (a teaspoon each?) until you think you have enough of that flavor then move on to the next one and then mix everything up:
    • smoked paprika. learn all about it. we eat way too much smoked paprika in my house, because my husband thinks it makes absolutely every dish taste better. while i prefer my chocolate milk, cereal, and ice cream without smoked paprika, my husband is actually right in the case of popcorn.
    • garlic powder. i recommend getting free garlic powder by losing contests at (friends of footballz) union square roundtable events, while making sure that the winner would rather get felt up in public than be given freshly grown farm products. but i suppose not everyone can be that lucky. too bad for you.
    • parmesan cheese, shredded finely (insert product endorsement for microplane here). you can always use more of this than the other stuff, because cheese is always good.
    • a little black pepper. for good measure.
  5. yum yum.

until next time, enjoy your popcorn and bullying.

4th QUARTER POLL FOR WEEK 10! DOLPHINS V. BUCCANEERS