Monthly Archives: October 2013

4TH QUARTER POLL FOR WEEK 8! (SEAHAWKS VS. RAMS)

Live Chat: Rams vs. Seahawks

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 8! RAMS V. SEAHAWKS!!!! THE SEAHAWKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Access Multiple lossesonoffnse

Random Access Memoryoflossesonoffnse

vs.

THEY ARE THE BEST

THEY ARE THE BEST

TARDY PEOPLE,

IT IS FINALLY HERE! The week where I get to talk about the Seahawks! AND YOU ALL HAVE TO LISTEN! YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s been weeks of sitting back and talking about all these dumb dumb teams with their dumb dumb players/owners/coaches and look at their dumb dumb fans, but NOW YOU MUST LOOK AT MY DUMB DUMB PLAYERS/COACHES/OWNERS! FEEL THE BURN DING DONGS! WHAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So, yeah, I’m gonna talk about that in a minute but first please note that this game is being played in St Louis less than a mile from where a World Series game is also taking place (booooo baseball, you’re so boring, and dumb, and you end games on some serious bullshit, I mean football would never let some obscure rule decide a game (I take that back)) and the Rams stink, so it’s possible this game will take place in an empty stadium. THIS WOULD BE KIND OF AWESOME, no crowd noise, no shots of dummies dressed like this dude, it would be as close to my dream of a football broadcast as I think we’d ever get (is it weird that I, as a dude who does a thing where he talks during a football game wishes that no one would talk during a football game?). We can hope beyond hope that all those St Louisians (?) are glued to the WS (while being real real cool) and we can watch a magnificent moment in football (and of course FOOTBALLZ) history, NOW LET US PREVIEW THE TEAMS.

THE ST LOUIS RAMS are sad and kind of unlucky. They got after a run of success in the late 90s/early 2000s their team went in crapper and as those said teams in crapper are wont to do they received the #1 pick in the draft, picking “franchise quarterback” Sam Bradford. This was in one of the last years before the rookie wage scale so they were forced to sign Bradford to one of the richest contracts in history (sorry for linking to Bleacher Report, but to make you feel better about that here is the hilarious takedown of that dude’s attempt to start a “women’s website” that is essential reading). This contract (combined with Bradford’s mixed results) has hamstrung the Rams, preventing them from making splashes in free agency and kept them committed to Bradford even as he struggles. That is all kind of moot now since he is out for the season and will the Rams start something called a Kellen Clemons (apparently he looks like this, not confidence inducing (also not confidence inducing, who they were trying to get so Clemons would not have to play) (also not confidence induing, if you took the K and the C off of that dudes name he would be called Ellen Lemons, which would be kind of cool but not for a QB))) at quarterback but jeez, wrong place wrong time Rams. At least they have the best team theme song of all time.

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS are just the best dudes ever. They are my team and I love them deeply and I will probably be kind of a dick during this broadcast because of it, DEAL WITH IT DOGS (shoutout to the internet in 2010, I still love u). Anyway, despite my love of these dudes they are not all the best guys. Their coach may have cut and run at his last job just before things got dicey there and may or may not be a 9/11 truther, their star running back who does stuff like this also has done stuff like this (I was once in a Buffalo thrift shop and saw a t-shirt that said “Marshawn Can Hit Whoever He Wants” which was awesome/terrible and I’m very sad I did not buy it), and their quarterback who is amazing and show no signs of being anything but a pure and decent human being might be a robot who is married to a lizard person and we haven’t even talked about their star cornerback who is probably the NFL’s best heel. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! I DON’T CARE! THIS IS MY TEAM SINCE I WAS A LITTLE PEE PANTS AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME NOTHING YOU BUNCHA DICK NOSES! SO TONIGHT! LISTEN AS I CACKLE WITH DELIGHT WATCHING MY FAVORTIEST TEAM IN THE WHOLE WORLD! FEATURING A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH VICE ASSOCIATE EDITOR/AUTHOR OF MY FAVORITE PICKS COLUMN/FELLOW SEATTLEITE HARRY CHEADLE (SORRY ABOUT ALL THE TERRIBLE GRAMMAR IN ALL MY WRITING HARRY, SADTROMBONE.COM)! WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH IT SUCKED TO GROW UP LIKING SEATTLE SPORTS! AND A CALL IN FROM PRODUCER ANANTH WITH ARTIST MATTHEW HOLLISTER LIVE ON THE SCENE IN SEATTLE PERHAPS WATCHING THE GAME HERE! AND THE RETURN OF PERMANENT GUEST PRODUCER CHRIS! ALL OF THIS! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! DAAAANNNNGGGGG SOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

WEEK 7 MEMEORIES

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INTERVIEWZ: BRIDGET DONAHUE OF CLEOPATRA’S

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We were lucky enough to sit down with the wonderful Bridget Donahue of Cleopatra’s. We talk about this for a while, so check that out, and then we go ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is a long one but Bridget is the best so LISTEN IN FOOLS.

THROW LIKE A GIRL: And Now Back to Girl Food

This was a dude from a children's show FOR REAL

This was a dude from a children’s show FOR REAL

by Deborah

Sadly, the meat trilogy of the season (which can be summarized as a steak sandwich where the bread is two kinds of chicken) is over. But now that you have learned how to include cows and poultry in your weekly gatherings, you, trusted readers, may ask: where does that leave us? I would refocus my vast knowledge to offer suggestions about other wifely duties (get your mind out of the gutter) and spend a few columns helping women accessorize their homes’ man caves. This would be a way to help your men have a super-football experience. Unfortunately, all the ideas I had have already been done. That’s right, step aside Martha Stewart, because the internet has already figured out how to equip your man’s cave with tough guy candles, candle holders, and even crocheted slippers. So I guess I’ll stick with food.

One important aspect of football food is that it should generally be finger food. But why not bring some fanciness and class to your finger food? If you’ve learned anything from me yet, it’s where to look for class: Melted Brain. Oh wait, no, that’s wrong (though delightful!). Correct answer: Epicurious. And so I turn to it for one of my favorite dishes:

Marinated Eggplant with Mint

While the way to a man’s heart may be the stomach, that tradition of indulgence stands alongside another long tradition of post ball-and-chain women fighting (and nagging!) to convince their committed to eat more healthy fare. In that spirit, this is a way to try to get your dude to like eggplant. In one corner, we’ve got eggplant. Poor, poor eggplant is much maligned, hated by social media, and the butt of food humor. In the other corner is mint, who has captured our hearts – from the innocence of girlhood to the delights of summer to the classiest way to fall down drunk.

Who will win? Can eggplant ruin this dish, or will the tastiness of mint carry the day? Or, will the dark horse of goat cheese actually steal the show? There’s only one way to find out: jump into the kitchen and quickly whip this up over a period of nine to twenty five hours.

As always, I’ll give you a few pointers in case you are wondering when to follow directions and when to change it up.

  • Step  1: Cutting eggplant is pretty straightforward. Only once have I gotten 10 stitches in my thumb trying to deal with eggplant (hint: you probably substitute a sharp knife for a skewer). Once that’s been done, yes, you do want to let the salt help the eggplant drain. Because, if you look further down the recipe, you’ll be frying the eggplant and when you have too much water, the oil splatters more that you’d like. Or at least more than I’d like.
  • Step 2: Make the marinade by mixing all the ingredients together. This is important, so your food can have flavor. Why is this step two though? It’s breaking up the eggplant instructions flow, making the recipe read less well. But really, it gives you something to distract you while the eggplant is just draining.
  • Step 3: You know how to pan fry things? Then do it. Very easy. Your slices should be thin enough that this timing will be pretty obvious. About a minute, but however long you need to make it cooked through. In this step you will learn that eggplant can absorb an almost infinite amount of oil, so have lots and lots on hand.
  • Step 4: As noted in an earlier Throw Like a Girl, the best way to actually marinate this is by just throwing everything in a plastic bag. Every once and a while over the next 8 to 24 hours, just turn the bag over, toss it around, or otherwise caress it to spread the liquid around.
  • Steps 5-7: Why have you been forgotten??????????????????? Epicurious: this recipe is not done yet!

Step 5: Epicurious might not care about you, but I have not forgotten. Buy a fresh baguette, ciabotta, or another of your favorite hearty breads. Cut it into slices that are manageable for fingers but big enough to put things on top.

Step 6: Pick your favorite goat cheese. Even though Humboldt Fog is the best (or 3rd best?), the ash might be a bit strong for this recipe. A mild goat cheese to counterbalance the topping flavors will be delightful. If you want to apply lessons from home economics, Trader Joe’s has good deals on goat cheese. Anyway, this step has a couple parts. A) Let the goat cheese sit out for a bit so it is soft and spreadable. B) Spread it on the bread you have just sliced.

Step 7: Remember you marinated that lightly fried, thinly sliced eggplant? It’s time to bring that out now. Gently and beautifully lay those eggplant strips out on the goat-cheesed bread. Voila. You’re done.

In case you haven’t figured it out, the beauty of this dish is that mint doesn’t actually need to beat eggplant. Because eggplant is already awesome! So is mint (see above)! And so is goat cheese! So there’s no way this dish can go wrong.

Football + Eggplant = yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

4th Quarter Poll for Week 7! (Vikes @ Giants)

Live Chat: Vikings v Giants

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 7! GIANTS V. VIKINGS!

we are all that little dude

we are all that little dude

vs.

so so sad

so so sad

MUSIC CRITICS

OH BOY THIS WEEK STINKS! After two weeks of exciting games with unexpected results (we must take a moment to review what may have been the greatest moment in Monday Night Football last week) we have this big pile of hot garbage to eat with our eyes. We have two teams who are not good, the New York Giants (who may be so bad that they are erasing wins from the past, I think they are currently dissolving themselves out of photos with their Super Bowl trophy from 2009, Back to the Future style) and the Minnesota Vikings (who may be trying to graft the three mediocre qbs they have into some sort of passable NFL starter like a deranged Mr. Frankenstein (I don’t recognize out of country degrees)) but we are going to watch the hell out of them because we live to make mirth of the trails and travails of all our best friends on the football field!

THE NEW YORK GIANTS are really terrible and it has happened super suddenly, this season has been that banana that goes from green to disgustingly brown overnight AND I LOVE IT. I have really not been able to stand the Giants since my childhood but this particular iteration of the blue shirt/weird gross gray pants  wearing dopes irks me like no other. People forget that Eli Manning was a big whinny baby when he first got into the league (enjoy that article and also that step into the internet of 2004, it looks like the Jukt Micronics site threw up a bag of skittles) and though he is the owner of two Super Bowl titles he still manages to look like this on the regular. Their coach, Tom Coughlin, is such a screaming red faced asshole that even cakes don’t like him. When the coolest/most interesting thing about your team is an underperforming defensive end’s facemask then you’re in trouble. For extra NYC schadenfreude, just watch this forever.

THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS are not quite as very bad as the Giants but are still pretty terrible. They’re on to their third quarterback of the season (why Josh Freeman chose to come here I don’t know but I guess after a fucked up infection ridden southwest Florida anything seems better), they haven’t won a game on US soil, and their best player/maybe THE best player just experienced a personal tragedy. The death of a child is horrific and I’m sure that everybody who writes for crappy newspapers were totally cool about the whole thing or not (NICE WORK JERKWADS! Seriously, I understand that some people have the job of stringing words together and in this day and age extremely stupid has as much value (or in some cases more) than extremely smart if it can pull people’s eyes to whatever caca you’re getting your paycheck for but for crying out loud, can we please Please PLEASE STOP.) The Vikings, like the Giants, are spending this season in the worst condition, just suddenly figuring out that they are bad. BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL ALREADY KNOW HOW BAD WE ARE! AND SAD WE ARE! BECAUSE IT WILL BE OUR BELOVED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KEN’S (AKA EXPK) LAST SHOW! SAD EMOTICON! THERE WILL BE MUCH MIRTH MAKING AT HIS EXPENSE! WE WILL WISH HIM WELL IN ALL OF HIS NEW ENDEAVORS! THAT WE WILL MAKE UP! LIKE THIS! EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KEN IS LEAVING FOOTBALLZ TO START A ONLINE STORE FOR ARTISINAL BUTTER MADE FROM THE MILK OF CATS! SEE! ISN’T THAT FUNNY! DON’T YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THAT! WE WILL ALSO HAVE A GUEST! IN STUDIO WILL BE ILLUSTRATOR AARON DANA! NO HALFTIME INTERVIEW THIS WEEK! SORRY DAWGS! WE WERE ALL SUPER BUSY! BUT THERE WILL BE SO MUCH STUFF! SO MUCH FUN! SO MUCH 8:30PM EASTERN! SO MUCH FOOTBALLZ.ORG/THECLASSICAL.ORG! SO MUCH FOR YOU NOT LISTENING! TONIGHT!

WEEK 6 MEMEORIES

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