Monthly Archives: September 2013 - Page 2

Stillers v Bengals Live Chat

 

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FOOTBALLZ WEEK TWO! STEELERS V. BENGALS!

Few people know that Steelers backup QB Bruce Gradkowski does a mean Joe Egan

Few people know that Steelers backup QB Bruce Gradkowski does a mean Joe Egan

vs.

Get it! Ben Gals! (ugh, I’m really sorry THAT I COULDN’T FIND ONE THAT HAD BOTH OF THEM AND GWYNETH PALTROW)

CARPENTERS OF LIFE!

Week two is upon us and I’m feeling a little weird about it (well, mostly I feel weird because I fell asleep on the subway Saturday night! HOLY MOLY THAT WAS TERRIBLE! They should install smelling salts on those things so nobody ever has to go through that! It was like I paid people to kidnap me! Which is a dumb thing to do! I woke up so so far away from my house at a subway stop that appeared to exist in a complete void. I could no longer see the bright lights of New York City, all I could do was sit with my silence on the creepily painted black benches for what I assumed was a train that would be conducted by Charon). It is like the start of a delicious sandwich that you love but right now you are just at the tip of the hero, there are so many delights that await you but now we’re all just gnawing on the bread, SO LET US GNAW AWAY. This week we have evil incarnate, the Pittsburgh Steelers, lining up against the formerly hapless and now possibly hapfull Cincinnati Bengals.

I cannot stand the Steelers, they perhaps are the most deplorable of all of the “rich tradition” franchises, at least the Cowboys and Bears can be hilariously awful at times. The Steelers always seem to be so boringly good, with their big dummy quarterback (who looks less goofy when he is trying to corner you in a restroom) doing just enough to lead them to an unwatchable victory. Can you name an exciting player on the Steelers who isn’t a walking hair commercial? People just expect to be good because they show up, EVEN EXPERTS (scroll down to just past the middle of the page)! Ugh, it’s such a bummer. It’s more of a bummer because I actually like the city of Pittsburgh A LOT! Warhol and bridges and pirogis and good times all around but man, the Steelers are a bunch of real bungholes. They have already lost a major bunghole on their offensive line, Center Maurkice Pouncey, so maybe this is the year those bungholes start to stink. BUNGHOLES!

The Bengals are kind of good now! Not like 80s dancing good but way better than the orange and black nightmare of the 90s. They have one of the best wide receivers in the game right now in AJ Green and budding star being Geno Atkins on defense, but they will go as far as the arm of red rocket/rifle/ranger/robot/rabbit/rockist (but not red rocker, there can be only one Red RockerAndy Dalton (THE HAIR, THE NICKNAMES ARE BASED ON HIS RED HAIR) can take them. Dalton is fine, maybe it’s just between his hair and the Bengals terrible uniforms there is just too much orange for me to deal with so perhaps my scouting is colored (GET IT) by my inability to look at him. Will this be the year they finally win a game in the playoffs? WHO KNOWS? NOT ME! AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN YOU! AT LEAST UNTIL THE PLAYOFFS! AND THEN AFTER THE GAME THEY PLAY! LIFE IS SO UNPREDICTABLE! ONE DAY YOU CAN JUST BE LIVING YOUR LIFE AND THEN YOU FALL ASLEEP ON A TRAIN AND YOU END UP LIVING IN AN SUBWAY STOP WHERE SUBWAYS NEVER COME! THIS IS A THOUGHT I HAD DURING MY ADVENTURE! BUT ONE THIS IS CERTAIN! THAT TONIGHT! FROM OUR NEW PALATIAL STUDIO IN BROOKLINE, MA! FOOTBALLZ RETURNS! WITH HALFTIME INTERVIEW GUEST LARRY MIZELL JR. OF KEXP AND THE STRANGER AND GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH ME! WE TALK A LOT ABOUT POT! ALSO RETURNING, PRODUCER KEN! MANY THANKS TO GUEST PRODUCER CHRIS! FOOTBALLZ ALSO RETURNS TO ITS REGULAR TIME! 8:30PM EASTERN! SO PLUG IN AND DROP OUT OF TERRIBLE JON GRUDEN TALKING! FOOTTTBBBAAAAALLLLZZZZZZZZ! DON’T FALL ASLEEP ON SUBWAYS!

Fantasy Football Keepers, Sleepers, and Creepers

(Excerpts of this article originally published by The Tardy Eagle, a section in the Boston Counter Cultural Compass)

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ICKABOD RUNDLETON – Coming off a rather uninspired 2012 season where he literally could not find his way out of the Atlantic Falcons practice facility, Rundleton looks to build upon his experience from last year. “At first I thought they were joking”, the 6′ 2″ wide receiver out of Akron noted, “but none of the doors were clearly marked as EXIT. I didn’t wanna take any chances man, like, you know, like open a door only to step out into a vortex, or have an army of raccoons mad with rabies come dashing at me. I mean, you never know what could be out there. I played it safe, and if that meant living inside the practice facility, that’s exactly what I’d do. I was never late for practice and Coach Dondelilo looooved that!”

YASPER TRENCH – Trench is an undrafted rookie free agent out of Fresno City College. He used to go Modest Junior College but his ex-girlfriend from high school Becky totally went there and he was worried that she went there just be closer to him even they broke up after prom in a really awkward moment when they were laying on the hood of his car a 2 am, staring at the stars, talking about dreams and their future, and what they would name their first kid, and which car insurance they should get, when all of a sudden a moth landed on Becky’s arm and she shrieked a shriek that could be heard the next town over, and Yasper just didn’t want to be with someone that startled so easily.

penn-jillette

PENN GILLETTE – Mr. Gillette had a really good season last year on Celebrity Apprentice All-Stars, making it all the way to the final, only to lose in the “Superbowl” of Trump Productions Shows to Trace Atkins. Penn’s first name reminds me of Penn State, which is bad, but his last name reminds me of Gillette Stadium where the Patriots play, so that is good. I look for Penn to build on his success from last year and have a terrific 2013.

MALVIN BEYON-CESNEWHAIR – Beyon-Cesnewhair quoted the Grateful Dead’s “Terrapin Station” for his high school year book quote — a fact that did not go unnoticed in the Texas Tech A&M locker room his freshman season. He was ridiculed so bad for being a Dead-loving candy-ass swing-troll that the only way to survive was to develop thick skin. Well, develop it he did, going on to be the Ragin’ Aggies all time leader in long snaps. It was no surprise the Blue Raiders took him in the 7th round as they envision him anchoring their Special Teams Department for the next fiscal year.

THROW LIKE A GIRL: A Dutiful Wife Says “Don’t Be a Chicken: Eat Meat.”

Do not attempt to eat while looking at this image

Do not attempt to eat while looking at this image

by Deborah

Last year, I launched Throw Like a Girl with a cheese/starch treo fundamental to football watching – nachos (which are so important that Foodspin followed in my footsteps a month later, I might bitterly add), lasagna, and pizza. Well, I’m back now and still eating food. Unfortunately, my husband has turned into a sissy and stopped eating meat. So now its up to me to man up and represent the joys of meat. Which means that this year, we start with chicken wings.

The best way to get chicken wings, if they are still as good as they were 7 years ago, is to go to Binga’s Wingas. This is true despite their terrible name, even more terrible logo, and the mild inconvenience of having to get to Portland Maine. But, if you want something a bit closer to home, it turns out it’s possible to make tasty chicken wings at home.

I humbly offer two basic varieties of chicken wings. They are the first two that I made and the ones I usually return to: buffalo wings and and honey mustard.

Buffalo is, of course, the most classic of all. And, luckily for you, they are super easy to make. Even Epicurious, which always manages to make everything way too complicated has kept this one simple. Despite the simplicity, they did get two things wrong: 1) Louisiana hot sauce, really? Why? This guy  prefers Louisiana, but his reason for loving hot sauce comes from his love of Taco Bell (must I remind you?), so he is obviously wrong. In other words, go with Frank’s (it’s also what my husband likes — or liked, back when he still ate real food). If you need more convincing, it’s also what Serious Eats knows is best. 2) I guess frying tastes good, but it’s messy and these things taste just as good cooked in the oven. So, just put the wings in a single layer on a pan and then put that pan in the oven at, I don’t know, 500 degrees for about 25-30 minutes, including one time turning each and every wing, and you’re good to go. Dip in the delicious butter/hot combo after that.

And now onto honey mustard, which is even easier. For this you need 2 ingredients: 1) chicken wings; 2) Inglehoffer honey mustard. I said Inglehoffer right? Because it has to be Inglehoffer. Even if you can only find it in tiny jars at the store. The process is pretty much the same as with buffalo style, but I like to let the honey mustard cook on the wings a bit. That usually works better at slightly lower heat, either cook it all lower and longer, or just lower the temperature at the end and throw the wings back in once they’re coated in honey mustard at 400 degrees for another 5-10 minutes.

Then enjoy properly – you know, like this or this or this or on and on and on.

Don’t forget some napkins.

4th Quarter Poll for Week 1! Eagles vs. Redshirts.

FOOTBALLZ WEEK ONE LIVE CHAT

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK ONE! EAGLES V. WASHINGTON DC AREA AMERICAN FOOTBALL SPORTS TEAM!

with Daryl Hannah as Special Teams Coach and  Debra Winger as Equipment Manager

with Daryl Hannah as Special Teams Coach and Debra Winger as Equipment Manager

VS.

More on this later

More on this later

HELLO!

FOOTBALL IS BACK AND THAT MEANS FOOTBALLZ IN BACK! Oh it feels so good! Actually it feels totally conflicted! On Saturday I was all ready to write about how the concussion settlement by the NFL was just another in a pile of bummers that any intelligent sports fan has to forget about when watching the games and how that is just another in a series of things that we enjoy that present us with this problem but then somebody went and did all the work for me (seriously, read that, then feel terrible about yourself for about 15 minutes then come back). Once the games started though I was totally like this dude. The first day of football always just pushes everything else out of my brain, yes, it’s pretty gross. I suppose that is why we here at FOOTBALLZ exist, to actually represent the human beings out there who recognize that what we do and enjoy comes at the expense of someone and you can either laugh about it or cry about it but the worst thing you can do is be a plastic faced platitude dispenser who gets everything wrong. SO LET’S LAUGH IN THE FACE OF DESPAIR AND AT OURSELVES AND PREVIEW THIS WEEK’S CONTEST BETWEEN THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES AND THE WASHINGTON DC AREA AMERICAN FOOTBALL SPORTS TEAM!

THE EAGLES are in transition, gone is longtime head coach/Philadelphia sports radio chew toy/frog impersonator Andy Reid (who now coaches in Kansas City and boy that bright red is doing his figure a lot of favors) replaced by former Oregon Ducks coach/shiny helmet enthusiast/namesake of somebody’s bully throughout their life Chip Kelley. Kelley is known for his uptempo offense and will try to mold man who paid his debt to society after murdering all of those dogs/QB Michael Vick into someone who doesn’t do stuff like this all the time. Kelly has plenty to work with outside of Vick including LeSean “Shady” McCoy, DeSean Jackson, and noted country music lover Riley Copper. The Eagles will move faster for sure but will it produce results? WHO FARTING KNOWS?

THE WASHINGTON DC AREA AMERICAN FOOTBALL SPORTS TEAM are coming off a real banner year on the field. Lead by their anthropomorphized angry leather shoe of a head coach Mike Shanahan and charismatic part Subway Sandwich based being quarterback Robert Griffin III. Sure there was the problem of them teaming up to perhaps ruin one of their body parts for all time during their trip to the playoffs but I’m sure none of those concerns will linger. All and all this year should shape up nicely for the aforementioned coach and QB and the entire Washington DC Area American Football Sports Team. Have you noticed something? Perhaps you are asking why we are not referring to this team by their formal team name? Well, we are joining a host of others in not using the name because JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT’S TOTALLY FUCKING RACIST AND HAS BEEN FOR THROUGH LIKE TWO CYCLES OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESS AND WE’VE ONLY MENTIONED IT EVERY TIME WE’VE TALKED ABOUT THEM! Don’t get me wrong, we totally respect the people who are doing this and wish everyone else in the sports community would follow suit BUT GODDAMN IT, WHY HAS THIS TAKEN SO FUCKING LONG? Let’s just get them to change the fucking name so we can move on to hounding the owners of the Cleveland Baseball Franchise to change their more fucked up racist mascot (I mean it isn’t even an actual Indian person, it could only be worse if they in an effort to be more true to the name, replaced Chief Wahoo with just a red dot on the hat). ANYWAY WE HAVE SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT PALS! LIKE THE ETERNAL MYSTERY OF THE GRAPHS IN THE VARIOUS RGIII SUBWAY ADS! AND SO MUCH MORE! LIKE OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH SLATE EXECUTIVE EDITOR JOSH LEVIN! WE TALK ABOUT ALL KINDS OF CRAP! ALSO I SOUND LIKE I’M HAVING OR HAVE HAD A STROKE DURING THE INTERVIEW! BECAUSE I’M SO PROFESSIONALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! ALL THOSE EXTRA Ls ARE FOR ALL THE LOTS OF LAUGHS (AND LINKS) IN THIS POST! AND THE ONES YOU WILL HAVE TONIGHT (I GUESS YOU COULD EAT A LOT OF SAUSAGE LINKS?)! AT 7PM! BECAUSE FOOTBALLZ IS BACK AND WE ARE COMING FOR YOUR EARS (PLEASE NOTE THE SPELLING THERE AND THE USAGE OF THE WORD “FOR” RATHER THAN “IN” OR THE PHRASE “BECAUSE OF” BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE GROSS AND WOULD PROBABLY FREAK EVERYBODY OUT!)! SO TUNE IN! ONCE AGAIN AT 7PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

PS we will do tonight’s broadcast in dedication to the Zoe’s Chinese, the kitchen of which produced almost every pregame meal in FOOTBALLZ history and who’s building partially collapsed as this post was being written.  WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS TOWN!

A MORNING CUP’O’JOE THEISMANN

Peter King is into coffee (also I think this dude has been poisoned)

Sports Illustrated’s Peter King is a gigantic fan of coffee and includes a section of his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback column entitled “Coffeenerdness.” Throughout the season, journalist Gregg Gethard will interview some of the baristas and others in the coffee industry who have interacted with Peter King over the course of the season.

Sheryl-Anne Roberts has worked at the Starbucks kiosk at Terminal B of Chicago’s Midway Airport for two years. Last September, Peter King wrote an article about his purchase of a venti pumpkin spice latte at this Starbucks. Sheryl-Anne was more than happy to chat with us about that experience – and more!

I don’t really remember that day. I mean, it can get a little ‘cray cray’ – my phrase meaning ‘crazy’ – here at times. But the then-assistant manager Gary came in that week and showed us that we got namedropped in some football column. That was kind of cool. Gary was a huge football fan. He left the company when all that shit went down in Libya.

So yeah, I’ve been here for a little over two years. It’s been pretty good so far. I’m working here to get through college. I’m taking online classes through the University of the Phoenix online. It’s the only online university that requires you to live in a dorm. I appreciate the flexibility that both Starbucks and an online education provide.

I’m majoring in astrophysics. My online professor is Brian May, the former guitarist of Queen. It’s pretty cool. I’m a big ‘One Vision’ fan. I was actually conceived at the first Live Aid, if family legend is to be believed.

I’m not sure how long I’ll be working here. Hopefully I’ll get my degree wrapped up in a year or two. Once I get that, I’m going to look for some work in the astrophysics field. Maybe be an astronaut or something like that. That’d be cool. But I’ll probably just wait for a managerial position to open up at Hudson News. They pay better and you’re allowed to read Kiplinger’s whenever you want. GREAT benefits.

So, you interested in a pumpkin spice latte? You’re holding up the line.”

FOOTBALLZ NEWZ AND NOTEZ FOR 2013!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

all news cannot be this amazing but our news tries hard

all news cannot be this amazing but our news tries hard

HELLO FOOTBALLZ KISSERS!

Earlier this week we wrote about the preseason (I would be remiss if I did not link to the best football name related sketch ever which inspires us all every day) BUT THAT GARBAGE IS OVER NOW. NOW WE BEGIN YET ANOTHER SEASON OF FOOOOOTTTBBBBAAAAALLLZZZZZZZZZZZ and oh boy we have so much news. In addition to having the regular broadcast every Monday at 8pm (except for the opening week which will be at 7 because the NFL is dickbags) we’ll be adding more and more content here at the regular home base, more columns, more writers, more general bullstuff (we’re trying not to swear so much in print) to bring you back here during the week.

You may or may not remember our interviews from our most recent season  (we’ll wait while you listen to all of them). Well, we’re doing that again, we’ll be bringing back some of our favorite guests from last year (such as Slate’s Josh Levin and The Stranger’s Larry Mizell Jr.) as well as talking to comedians (Chris Gethard), curators (Cleopatras’ Bridget Donahue) and a host of other living breathing humans (or if you can tack down a ghost or talking animal we’ll interview them for sure, but no gerbils, they freak me out) who do all kinds of interesting stuff both related and totally not related to football. We’ve even recorded one ALREADY! I admittedly sound a little drunk, not like party drunk , like trying to keep it together while at work drunk, but I GAR-ON-TEE (RIP buddy, 12 years later you’re still missed, I hope you get all the ruffles in cajun heaven) I WAS NOT. There was a little bit of delay in my headphones that freaked me into speaking slowly, I’m obviously not worried about it.

WE ALSO WILL WELCOME SOME NEW CONTRIBUTORS TO THE SITE! You will obvs hear from me waaaayyyyyy more than you would like and Ken and Mac will spice it up with well punctuated rational thoughts (check Mac’s Fantasy Football Tips on page 8 here or whenever we get around to posting them on this very page should you not want to read an actual newspaper on the internet) every now and then but then ALSO OTHER PEOPLE AND THESE ARE THOSE PEOPLE:

DEBORAH KOBES

Deborah grew up watching soccer and wishes that MLS were more popular than the NFL — not that she watches MLS. After years of confusion about why the game stops when players make their intended plays, Deborah has decided that it’s not really worth figuring the ins and outs of football rules. Instead, deborah has grown into her role as dutiful wife by spending time in the kitchen so that her husband’s dude friends can eat well while they watch sanctioned violence and future lawsuits.

TARA MATHISON

Tara Mathison has watched the Green Bay Packers since an exciting November sunday – a long, long time ago (aka 80s) – when the family TV blew up during a play-offs game. Her dad cried. The alchemy of men and football has intrigued her ever since. Tara plans to touch on such riveting topics as Rainbow/Whitesnake/Lover Boy, ghost stories, taxidermy, wood paneling, and all things self-described as “Wisconsin nostalgia”. And, of course, her team of the people: THE GREEN BAY PACKERS.

GREGG GETHARD

Gregg Gethard is a well-known individual. He lives in Philadelphia. (We kind of punted on this one).

PLUS MAYBE MORE PEOPLE! WE’RE STILL WORKING IT OUT! WE MIGHT EVEN POST SOMETHING YOU WRITE (should you want to please send a sample/idea/clothed photo to footballztalk AT gmail DOT com, I think I don’t have to do that thing with the email anymore but I kind of like it)! EVEN THOUGH OUR COMMENTS MIGHT BE PERMANENTLY OFF FOREVER! SORRY PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY HORRIBLE THINGS WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE! YOU HAVE NO OUTLET HERE! YOU CAN JOIN US IN OUR WEEKLY CHAT THAT GOES ALONG WITH THE BROADCAST TO CALL US FAGGOTS TO OUR E-FACES! So, this is all the new stuff but we reserve the right to add more new stuff but what isn’t new is that you can hear us ever Monday for the next 16 weeks right here at 8pm (except for this week when we’ll be on at 7pm because of the aforementioned dickbaggery) FOOTBALLZ IS BACK DONGS!

FOOTBALLZ PRESEASON REVIEW

AHOY HOY!

WELCOME BACK! We have lots of exciting news and whatnot for the season but we would be remiss if we did not speak a little about the preseason. Not to cover it, oh no, covering the preseason is THE WORST even the B team NFL Network highlight guys (who are indeed terrible) can’t get through it without fucking up. No, we come to you today to mourn some of the great names that we will not get no try to say during the season. Being mostly fake football announcers with only meager senses of humor nothing gives us more pleasure than a dumb name, it is like baseline humor. You may or may not remember how much we thrilled to the antics of Guy Whimper, no not that guy, THIS GUY WHIMPER. THAT GUY WAS COMIC GOLD (SEE! SEE!). While Guy seems to have neither gone out with a bang nor his namesake (OOOOOHHHHHH, IT IS SO GOOD) these other human beings have had their longtime dreams crushed in the machine of the business that is the NFL (among many others but these guys had the names I thought were the funniest sorry dudes with regular names), please read these with this playing in the background:

 

:(

TE Fendi Onobun

 

now out of football and still named Romney

DT Romney Fuga

 

yes we are aware this dude goes by Kickalicious and yes we are even more upset that he won't be playing

K Havard Rugland

 

he's the one without the hat

S Martavious Neloms

 

One of the FOOTBALLZ team had a beard like that in high school, we'll let you guess which one

C Rick Schmieg

 

OH PURIM! MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY!

LB Toben Opurum

 

Happy he took that internship in during the lockout

P Zoltan Mesko

 

Tears will Jamarkus all because of his cut (ZIG A ZIG AHHHHHHH)

DL Jamarkus McFarland

 

ok, this guy just looks gross

OL Sean Hooey

 

AFALAVA!

S Al Afalava

 

SO SAD FOR THESE DUDES BUT FOOTBALL STARTS THURSDAY SO WE ARE ALL LIKE THIS!

IMPORTANT UPDATE: It appears that Fendi Onobun has made it onto the Bears practice squad, CONGRATULATIONS FENDI! WE LOOK FORWARD TO MAKING FUN OF YOUR NAME ON SUNDAYS!

IMPORTANT UPDATE PT 2: It also looks like Zoltan Mesko has signed with the Steelers, so there is also that.