Monthly Archives: September 2013

Live Chat: Dolphins v Saints



someone on the FOOTBALLZ broadcast team has this tattoo

someone on the FOOTBALLZ broadcast team has this tattoo





ALL RIGHT! This week we finally have a game worth watching, the last couple of weeks have been STINKERS, ugh, man, those were real bummers (I’m still trying to wash my brain of the Raiders). The Miami Dolphins and the New Orleans Saints are two undefeated teams and should provide a contest that will not leave us rolling our eyes and you listening to us roll our eyes (it sounds like this). THIS WILL BE A GOOD ONE GUYS SO STRAP IN FOR SOME HOT PIGSKIN ACTION (googling that doesn’t bring on as much gross stuff as I thought but the fifth result of the search is weirdly this).

The Miami Dolphins are a surprise 3-0 for the first time in 11 years and they are doing it on the strength of their defense, the improvement of second year quarterback Ryan Tannehill, and in some snazzy new uniforms. They have also replaced their old logo of an angry dolphin wearing the helmet of some team that has an M for their logo (the fan of recursiveness in me was always pissed that the dolphin was not wearing a helmet with the logo that he was in ad infinitum) for this less cute snoozer. I think there should be more cartooning in football but hey I guess design majors have to work (and sports logos are an easy attention getter). With the new outfits and shiny 3-0 record the Dolphins must be feeling pretty good but none of us should worry, they aren’t as smart as people think.

The New Orleans Saints are less of a surprise at 3-0, this team more or less is the same it was two years ago before this whole kerfuffle that detonated their campaign last season. Their head coach, Sean Payton, is back on the sidelines after spending his suspended year perfecting his Zoolander impersonation and has returned the Drew Brees run offense to it’s place as one of the best in the league. The defense has improved too under the tutelage of poor unemployment estimator/alcoholic folk hero/Wolfman Jack look-a-like Rob Ryan. The Saints boast one of the best tight ends not currently being arraigned on murder charges in goofy looking ginger Jimmy Graham so look for Brees to connect with him while fighting off an aggressive Dolphin pass rush (which unfortunately will be missing the awesomely named especially for a team with water to closely associated with it Cameron Wake). BUT TONIGHT WE WILL NOT BE UNFORTUNATELY MISSING ANYONE! OR ANYTHING! AS WE TRAIN OUR GIMLET EYES (BECAUSE WE SOAK THEM IN GIMLETS BEFORE EVERY GAME) ON TONIGHTS GAME! AND THEN TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT WITH OUR GIMLET MOUTHS (BECAUSE THEY ARE FILLED WITH GIMLETS, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE YOURSELF GIMLET EAR BEFORE THE GAME JUST BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT IT WAS APPROPRIATE, ALCOHOL IS ONLY MEANT FOR THE MOUTH AND OCCASIONALLY THE BUTT)! ALSO PLEASE DO NOT MISTAKE OUR GIMLET EYES FOR GIMLI EYES! WE LEFT THOSE BEHIND WHEN WE GAVE AWAY OUR COPIES THE SILMARILLION! SO TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! WE RETURN! WITH LIVE HALFTIME CALL IN GUEST CHRIS TREW! AND IN STUDIO GUEST NICK BRANIGAN! PLUS A POSSIBLE FOURTH QUARTER POLL THEME SONG!!!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT HERE (BUT NOT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW) AT FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

INTERVIEWZ: Josh Levin of Slate

Here is full interview I did Josh Levin waaaaayyyy back in advance of week one! I was very rusty at interviewing people! And sound drunk!

Josh is the executive editor at Slate and hosts their excellent podcast Hang Up and Listen. The article about my beloved Seahawks that we discuss at length can be found here.

THROW LIKE A GIRL: And Follow Directions



By Deborah

For those of you devoted ThrowLikeAGirl fans out there who also engage in the weekly fourth quarter polls, I’m embarrassed that you caught me making fish. I’d like to point out I had already eaten a real meal that centered on real meat. Because, as I pointed out last week, I know I have to be the manly one in my relationship and bring the meat to party. And we all know that fish is not a real meat, which is why so many vegetarians somehow think that it doesn’t even count if they eat fish. While the internet rages with debates about the meat-status of fish (debate summarized), I’ll stick with the meat that you think of when you hear the word meat.  Big fat flesh. COW.

Steak is a pretty amazing food. When cooked right, even the simplest of steaks is a burst of flavor and textural brilliance. And grilling, long associated with football (leading to the evolution of this treat), is a great tool for making this happen. Cooked with a slight outer crispness and inner bloody juiciness, steak just makes you realize the joys of being a carnivore. Nothing is better than using your teeth to rip through the flesh of something that used to weigh 1,600 lbs. What recipe could build upon the perfection of the simple steak? I’ll tell you!

This one can: Grilled Flank Steak with Rosemary. Badly named though, because the joys of this come through the honey, garlic, and soy — all the unmentioned ingredients in this fancy pants Epicurious recipe. Okay, stage set. Let’s talk about making this.

First, I hope your grill is still good for grilling now that we’ve crossed over from summer into fall. 1A, I hope you have a big green egg because they look great and my friend can make great smoked trout in them. 1B, he’s also a friend of Footballz. But not to digress. Make sure you’re willing to cook outside before you get started, so when the time comes, you can just light your stupid grill.

Second, follow directions (Thanks stranger for adding Dvorak to my keyboard. I love that this last sentence looked like this before I figured out what was going on: O.jrbew urnnr, ecp.jycrbo). Epicurious tells you to mix all the ingredients together. That’s not very hard. 2A, don’t forget the honey. Use your favorite honey varietal available at your local honey store. The beauty of this is the hint of caramelization that it brings to the table. 2B, garlic, obviously.  2C, maybe ignore the recommendation to do this in a glass baking dish. Throwing it in a plastic bag is better, because then you’ll throw the steak in too and it’s easy to handle.

(My computer restated it’s love for Dvorak, so if you want to read this, use the Dvorak translator and you can get the special secrets. Just put the text in here.)  Ydcpew lgy frgp e.ncjrgow hgcjf cbyr yd. xai yday co ucnn.e ,cyd frgp ol.jcan Cu frg ap. layc.byw frg odrgne rjjaocrbannf ygpb yd. xai rk.p abe mcq ydcbio aprgbe or yd. unakrp ir.o,d.p.v Cu frg er ydcow frg odrgne anor yd. xai or cy er.ob-y olrcnv Cu frg lgy ydco ann yri.yd.p bry yrr nrbi x.urp. yd. urryaxnn iam.o oyapyow frg erb-y b..e yr er ydco urp 2 drgpov Cboy.aew hgoy erb-y ecojape ann yd. mapcbae.v Jrrt cy pcidy rb yd.!

Fourth, cook it however much you like it, but hopefully not too long. What’s the point of overcooked steak? Hint: THERE IS NONE.

That’s it. And trust me that I stand behind this recipe. I fed it to 100 people one day.


4th Quarter Poll for Week 3! Raiders vs. Broncos.

Live Chat: Broncos v Raiders



Grupo Bronco is a Mexican Grupero group from Apodaca, N.L.. Bronco's modern take on the Norteño style in the '80s and '90s helped earn them a number of international hits. Band members José Guadalupe Esparza, Ramiro Delgado, Javier Villareal, and José Luís 'Choche' Villareal crafted a sound that paid tribute to the Norteño tradition while incorporating modern instruments like keyboards, as well as a more melodic, pop style with elaborate costumes. WIKIPEDIA DOGGGZZZZZ

Grupo Bronco is a Mexican Grupero group from Apodaca, N.L.. Bronco’s modern take on the Norteño style in the ’80s and ’90s helped earn them a number of international hits. Band members José Guadalupe Esparza, Ramiro Delgado, Javier Villareal, and José Luís ‘Choche’ Villareal crafted a sound that paid tribute to the Norteño tradition while incorporating modern instruments like keyboards, as well as a more melodic, pop style with elaborate costumes. WIKIPEDIA DOGGGZZZZZ


Paul Revere & the Raiders are an American rock band that saw considerable U.S. mainstream success in the second half of the 1960s and early 1970s with hits such as "Kicks" (1966; ranked number 400 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time), "Hungry" (1966), "Him Or Me - What's It Gonna Be?" (1967) and the 1971 No. 1 single "Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian)".

Paul Revere & the Raiders are an American rock band that saw considerable U.S. mainstream success in the second half of the 1960s and early 1970s with hits such as “Kicks” (1966; ranked number 400 on Rolling Stone magazine’s list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time), “Hungry” (1966), “Him Or Me – What’s It Gonna Be?” (1967) and the 1971 No. 1 single “Indian Reservation (The Lament of the Cherokee Reservation Indian)”.


You guys have already done so much reading! GOOD JOB! Unfortunately there is so much more reading to do (actually there is always reading to do, it’s too late, you learned, and now you have no choice YOU WILL BE READING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!) and lots of it will be about this game. This week we have the first real stinker of the schedule, the very good Denver Broncos facing off (I use this term rather than “playing against” or “vs.” because Face/Off is a movie that I have seen in three languages, it’s called Volte/Face in French! And I wish very deeply that Face/Offing was a thing that could really happen) with the not so great Oakland Raiders, it will not be pretty (unlike Gina Gershon in the excellent John Woo film Face/Off!) but we are ALL ABOUT THAT. Let us preview this hay we will spin into gold all just like this guy (warning, that guy is SCARY!).

The Denver Broncos are good at almost everything (duping urine sample collectors is not one of those things) and are led by somehow still really good despite having his spine fused Peyton Manning. Manning has been pretty unbelievable this year and remains one of the best quarterbacks in the league even now as he reaches his happy year. Manning’s continued success boggles the mind but I think I have figured out his secret, Aleister Crowley-like sex magicks (no, not this kind, this kind). He grew up down in New Orleans and you know all the crazy stuff that happens down there (we’ve all seen this great documentary about the area), where do you think the Manning family gets all its power? Then he moved onto Indianapolis, known home to the occult, and then also made this face, dude dabbles in some crazy shit. Why do you think all those people in Broncos organization have been drinking so much? Their exposure to Manning’s bizarre blood soaked sex rituals would cause any man to dive to the bottom of a bottle. I know dude has mad velvet clothes and like dumb old crusty books in his gigantic house (why does Petyon need 7 bedrooms? Obviously for the rest of his mad coven). Ryan Clady’s Lisfrac injury? Just payment another payment in Manning’s deal with darkness. (This paragraph was brought to you by me currently reading Hammer of the Gods, which is indeed awesome).

THE RAIDERS recently lost their own warlock-type figure and have not been good since they started using the Euro, it has been a sad state of affairs since then for the once proud to the point of dickishness franchise. Do they stink this year also? Yes, but now they have a quarterback who can do stuff like this, this, and this (even though the last one was an accident it was still more entertaining then anything Jason Campbell or Carson Palmer did for them) so they will at least be weird to watch. They also still have cool helmets, they’re shiny. SO TONIGHT! WE WILL BE THE SHINY THINGS! AND YOU WILL NEED TO STRAP ON YOUR HELMETS! BECAUSE WE ARE GOING TO PUMMEL YOU WITH COMMENTARY! SOFTEN YOUR SKULL WITH HUMOROUS ANECDOTES AND TOMFOOLERY! BATTER YOU ABOUT THE HEAD AREA WITH, UM, TALKING! IT WILL BE GLORIOUS! PLUS A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH ONE HALF OF RAP SENSATION IMMIGRANTS! AND MAYBE A SPECIAL CALL-IN GUEST IF WE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THAT WORK IN OUR JANKY STUDIO! FOOOOOOOOOOTBAAAAAALLLLZZZZ! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

God Save Me from “Pop” Warner

you know that part in Dead Poet's Society where that dude from House describes Whitman as a "hairy toothed madman"?

you know that part in Dead Poets Society where that dude who divorced Uma Thurman describes Whitman as a “sweaty toothed madman”?

by Chris Braiotta

Of all the things I was afraid of in elementary school only two stuck with me for the whole six year ride. One was total nuclear annihilation. I got over that one. Thanks, Sting! Your “Russians” song made a very cogent argument! The other was kids who played “Pop” Warner Football, and man that one was never cured.

Let me tell you what kind of kid I was, just to set this up. There was the time in third grade I went to a slumber party and told all the kids to shut up at bed time, because “slumber is from the Latin for sleep” (it isn’t, but I knew those Little Scholars* wouldn’t know nothing about Old Frisian, and I had had enough of their Smurfy jibber jabber). I guess I kind of had a thing for Ancient Rome because around the same time I also wrote the combination for my bike lock on the lock itself in Roman numerals. I figured that criminals became criminals because they didn’t pay attention in school, and so surely they couldn’t match my grasp of the numbers of good ol’ Gaius Julius. Pretty sure I bragged about that to one of the “Pop” Warner clowns that I suspected was headed in that direction. Guess what? Bike never got stolen. Either my bike was really shitty, or I was right about those dummies!

There’s a lot of talk about whether young children should be allowed to play full tackle football because of the risk of brain injury and my answer is by God YES because we need to get an early start on wearing down the faculties of these degenerates. Get ’em when they’re young and we’ll have them nicely housebound by 60.

Man, one of these kids still gives me the bowel shivers when I think of him. Rodney. His name was Rodney! Can you imagine? Rodney and all his brothers looked exactly the same just in different sizes, like those Russian nesting dolls but painted like the kind of people who set fire to disco records. And sometimes to disco people.

Rodney had an earring in the second grade. This was 1978!

Rodney and all his brothers got crewcuts on the first day of school every year, not because they had Major Dad but because their mother was not about to ruin her night dicking around with a lice comb. Dammit, Rockford‘s on tonight!

Every day Rodney’s lunch was a can of Chef Boyardee meat ravioli and a can opener. Eaten right there in the lunch room, no heat or nothing! He’d open the can and ditch the plastic fork his mom gave him and just suck the guts out of the can like it was the legless, stumpy cob of some otter he strangled before the bell rang.

I’m still not over it! Today’s kids are nothing but a bunch of overscheduled cave fish compared the feral mutants of the Carter years, but I tell you what — I see a “Pop” Warner tshirt, I walk the other way. It’s just not worth it!

* Did you know that “Pop” Warner Little Scholars is the official name of this monster camp? They’re little scholars in the same way that I’m the 7th Lord Karate of Hampshire.




Sports Illustrated’s Peter King is a gigantic fan of coffee and includes a section of his weekly Monday Morning Quarterback column entitled “Coffeenerdness.” Throughout the season, journalist Gregg Gethard will interview some of the baristas and others in the coffee industry who have interacted with Peter King over the course of the season. 

Karl Roffer has worked as a barista at the Starbucks located across the Street from Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver for the past three years. Here, he recounts service Peter King his coffee two weeks ago, which was briefly referenced in a Monday Morning Quarterback.

“Hello there. I’m a Karl Roffer. I’m a barista at the Starbucks located across the street from Sports Authority Field at Mile High here in Denver. I didn’t know until now that some football writer Peter King came into the Starbucks and I served him. I remember his order – double iced mocha latte on the rocks with a splash of caramel syrup. He even brought in his own cup.

I’m no stranger to celebrity. I moved out to Denver a few years ago from my native Connecticut because of the snowboarding. I’m a huge fan of live music and I go to a lot of shows and stuff. My favorite local band is now probably your favorite national band – The Lumineers. I got to be friends with those guys.

You know that awesome “Hey Ho” song that’s the definitive song of this or any other generation? You know those lyrics “I’ve sleeping here instead? I’ve been lying in my bed? I’ve been lying in my bed?” That’s MY bed! Well, at one time it was.

My apartment had some bed bugs and I had to get rid of my mattress. I was hanging out with The Lumineers one night after they performed at Modern Rock Channel 93.3’s Fall Ball sponsored by Gadzooks and told them about my problem. Stelth Ulvang, the Lumineers pianist, he asked me where my bed was at the time. I told him I threw it out in the dumpster in the parking lot of my complex. He said he wanted it.

I reminded him that the mattress was filled with lice and larvae and was now literally garbage. He told me that his main hobby was collecting used, soiled mattresses. So I told Stelth that yeah, sure, you could have my trash bed.”


4th Quarter Poll for week 2! Steelers vs. Bengals.