Monthly Archives: May 2013

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE AFC NORTH

one of these bowling balls will roll into the playoffs next year it will almost certainly not be one that has orange in the color scheme

HEY GUYS! I bet you thought I forgot all about this, OH NO! I just got super busy, as you may remember I moved to NYC and the first month was SUPER DEPRESSING! I DIDN’T HAVE A JOB! I HAD NO MONEY (friends who loaned me money during this dark time, I will pay you back before July)! IT DID NOT GIVE ME MUCH MOTIVATION TO WRITE ANYTHING! Thankfully things have turned around and now I’m back! SO LET’S KEEP THIS P (for preview) TRAIN ROLLING WITH THE VERY ANNOYING AFC NORTH!

BALTIMORE RAVENS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, Super Bowl Champions

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

at least we never have to see this again, unless he starts doing it at the beginning of the pre-game show he will add his stupid opinions to.

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

a bunch of stuff, including a new “spiritual leader”, luckily I know a guy who was just as beloved who is looking for a job.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOU LEAST FAVORITE RAVENS FAN:

This is some real nasty Dr. Moreau shit

CINCINNATI BENGALS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, Lost in the Wild Card Round to the Houston Texans

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

I CAN REMEMBER VERY LITTLE FROM THE BENGALS SEASON BUT THIS SEEMS LIKE IT WAS AWESOME

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

New Chili (this is kind of the only thing I know about Cincinnati and I make this joke every time, I BLAME YOU CINCINNATI FOR NOT BEING MORE INTERESTING).

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BENGALS FAN:

THE NIGHTMARES OF THE CHILDREN OF CINCINNATI FOR YEARS

PITTSBURGH STEELERS

FINAL RECORD- 8-8

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

Their season was just as terrible as Ben’s hat

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Just to stop being the worst group of assholes.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE STEELERS FAN:

the worst drinks for the worst people

CLEVELAND BROWNS

FINAL RECORD- 5-11

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

If your team has a 29 year old QB and in his second game he gets trapped under a flag, it will not be a good season.

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

a good group of lawyers

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BROWNS FAN:

If I saw a superhero with this cape on I would worry for my safety

 

NEXT WEEK WE MOVE OUT WEST, TO THE AFC WEST!