Monthly Archives: March 2013

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWZ- THE AFC SOUTH

The AFC South teams all feature blue in their uniforms which is weird considering their respective state’s voting practices

 

WHATTUP SONS (also mothers, fathers, and chinese dentists), oh man the offseason is heating UP! Did you see? DID YOU SEE? ESPN has published their first post-free-agency-pre-draft POWER RANKINGS! AND MY BELOVED SEAHAWKS ARE #1! YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I’m so proud! Finally, after years of wishing and hoping and living and dying with this team we have finally reached the pinacle! Number one in a completely trivial arbitrary ranking done by people who are kind of informed but have nothing to do with results on the field! This is even more amazing than when we were the best team in football that did not win the Super Bowl! This all so satisfying! Look I’m a person that probably reads too much about football and now, at the most word heavy/actual game playing deficient portion of the season, I’m starting to go a little crazy pants. The whole non-football playing football industrial complex makes me a little bonkers when it comes to who or what is THE BEST because in the end, to a dummy fan who likes the game because of the way it can bring joy to people who have lives that maybe are not the best in the world in one way or another, the only team that is the best is the one that wins, the rest is cold comfort. SO PLEASE, EVERYBODY, STOP CONGRATULATING ME.

NOW LET US OFFSEASON PREVIEW THE TEAMS OF THE AFC SOUTH

HOUSTON TEXANS

FINAL RECORD- 12-4, AFC South Champions, lost in the Divisional Round to the New England Patriots

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

yup, another year ending like this, playoff win or no playoff win

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A return to the classica new catch phrase before they get sued

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEASE FAVORITE TEXANS FAN:

This inexplicably on the Texans website pair of Patriots panties

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

FINAL RECORD- 11-5, lost in the Wild Card Round to the Baltimore Ravens

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

lady pattern balding seemed to be a problem in Indy this year

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A facial hair rangler for their young quarterback

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE COLTS FAN:

Is there some sort of relation between Colts fans and turkeys that nobody except fans of the Colts know about?

TENNESSEE TITANS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, third in the AFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

Yeah, this is kind of how it went all year

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A new old dude for when their young quarterback gets hurt again (see video above)

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE TITANS FAN:

For the Titans/Dragonball Z fan in your life

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

FINAL RECORD- 2-14, last in the AFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Some of whatever their owner has going on to migrate onto the field

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE JAGUARS FAN:

The entire Home section of the Jags pro shop is pretty terrible (why so many lawn ornaments?) but these gnomes in what can only be described as Smurfface are the weirdest/best/worst/I cannot decide.

 

NEXT WEEK THE NFC NORTH AND THE HALFWAY POINT OF THIS DUMB IDEA! 

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE NFC SOUTH

This is a dumb map,
PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SHOULD COME UP WITH WEIRDER NFC SOUTH IMAGARY

 

Yo homies, sorry for the lazyness but I wanted to wait to get this next installment of our OFFSEASON PREVIEWS till after the start of everybody’s favorite offseason subsection (next to the draft, the combine, training camp, mini-camps, and the unavailing of new alternative uniform color schemes) FREE AGENCY. Man, how awesome is it to hear the most about salary caps and roster bonuses and team needs and winners and losers when no one is even playing a down! I love hearing the verbal sparring between the always cognizant empty eyes and messy hair of a Jeff Saturday (never forget, he also co-starred in the greatest photo ever) with the just trying out a new hair color maybe now he is a goth Eric Mangini about trade rumors that have almost no basis in fact! Isn’t it the best when a cable network like ESPN, originally known for showing highlights but now seems to be just a station that is focussed on weird looking dudes in crappy suits talking, can have a “sports event” that is only weird looking dudes in crappy suits talking for hours on end? They don’t even have to talk to actual players! Just an unending stream of speculation about how people who have spent their lives training to pretty much put their lives at risk  for our entertainment will “fit in” with their new teams! With a small side of indignation and sanctimony about how some of them are overpaid and selfish for seeking the highest salary they can in a free-ish market of a billion dollar industry! When they themselves would chase a dollar to the end of the earth! HOLY SMOKES! THIS IS JUST THE BEST OF EVERYTHING LET’S GET BACK TO THE PREVIEWINGZ!

ATLANTA FALCONS

FINAL RECORD- 13-3, NFC South Champions, lost to the 49ers in the NFC Championship game

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

Falcons fan enjoyed their season, the rest of us felt the way you do watching this

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Not totally sure but they def have the coveted Old Vegan Non-Retired Tight End position covered

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FALCONS FAN:

Crocs, the worst gift is always Crocs

CAROLINA PANTHERS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9, 2nd in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

They saw a lot of Sad Cam expressing his sadness last year 

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

 Some sort of Running Back discount/rebate.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PANTHERS FAN:

Let your child relive the immortal John Kasay era

 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9 3rd in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

This is as close as Sean Payton got to coaching last year and it showed.

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

 Just a slightly less confusing wikipedia page for their coaches

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SAINTS FAN:

What lady doesn’t want an ugly useless shoe?

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9 4th in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

The Bucs made news for playing to the last snap which was boring

but they also pissed off Tom Coughlin so that is awesome

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

To realize that they should just go back to these uniforms forever

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BUCCANEERS FAN:

Ladies, I do not understad your hair. Would you put this in it? Send any and all answers to footballztalk AT gmail DOT com

NEXT WEEK THAT NO GOOD AFC SOUTH!

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE AFC EAST

This is the grossest logo array I could find

DAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNN SONS, the offseason just rolls along and there is so much not football life to experience. Did you know that Sundays can be much more relaxing when you aren’t simultaneously eating fatty foods and clenching your entire body with every play of a sporting event? IT IS SO WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRRDDDDD. This week we will relax with an offseason preview of the snoozy AFC East (sorry Mac) AKA the boringly good Patriots and three piles of garbage. LET’S GET TO THE PREVIEWINGZ

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

FINAL RECORD- 12-4, AFC East Champs, lost in the AFC title game to the Baltimore Ravens

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW: This robot thinks Bill Belichick is a sore loser

OFFSEASON NEEDS- A Gronk-minder

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PATS FAN- This one is tough, this and this (who isn’t concerned about supporting their favorite team while stuck on the side of the road) are both worthy candidates, but this Patriots Shoe Bottle Wine Holder is insane and should only be given to your worst friend/best enemy.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9, 2nd in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW: Though this happened officially “before” last season it was still as big of a bummer as the entire year for the Dolphins

OFFSEASON NEEDS- a better job making #1 picks

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE DOLPHINS FAN- Three presents for your terrible girlfriend (at least they’re all on sale).

NEW YORK JETS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, 3rd in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW

could it have been anything else?

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Not more crappy quarterbacks (whoops!)

BEST GIFT TO GET YOUR LEAST FAVORITE JETS FAN- this one is a no doy

BUFFALO BILLS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, 4th in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW-

SO SO SAD

OFFSEASON NEEDS- No more expensive defensive ends

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BILLS FAN- This Terrell Owens story is sad, this Terrell Owens bobblehead is somehow sadder.

NEXT WEEK, THE LESS MEH NFC SOUTH!