Monthly Archives: February 2013

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE NFC EAST

WHAT WOULD A DOG’S OFFSEASON BE? ALSO, SOMEBODY FIND ME THIS VOLLEYBALL DOG FOR MY REMAKE OF “AIR BUD: SPIKES BACK

HELLO SUFFERERS OF (O)S.A.D. (Offseason Affective Disorder),

WE ARE BACK TO SALVE YOUR MENTAL WOUNDS WITH HEALING POWER OF OUR WORD SPIT WITH PREVIEWS OF ALLLLLLLLLLL THE OFFSEASON NEEDS OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF THE TEAMS THAT PLAY PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL IN THE NFL (sorry B.C. Lions fans, I’m sure you are in need of a Rouge Specialist but we will not be detailing that here). While the rest of the football intelligentsia, or at least anyone who can format a mock draft on their blog, are writing about who has the best cone drill (ya moms, as in YOUR MOTHER HAS A NICE CONE DRILL IF YOU GET MY MEANING) and shuttle runs (they unfortunately do not use blackboard erasers as we did during the Presidential Fitness Test in my youth (OH MY GOD, they are getting rid of the PFT (not this one thankfully), rejoice nerds who could not do even a single pull-up! One less thing to be embarrassed by in public)) at the combine we will be bringing you the straight dope on what your favorite team really needs this offseason. We’ll also look back at every team’s season with winsome reflection and provide some offseason cost effective gift giving for the fan in need. We start (as all football media does) with the NFC EAST!

Watch out NFL shield! These apparently diseased NFC East sperms are coming to impregnate you! Inside of a gross rainbow? Or the skittles factory killing floor (you know where they bolt the skittle monsters heads so they can butcher up the skittles for sale)?

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, NFC East Champion, lost in the Wild Card Round to Seattle Seahawks (aka the best dudes).

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

BUMMER

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Some new knee ligaments, some compassion for their player’s health, a better excuse for their racist team name.

BEST GIFT TO SEND TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE REDSKINS FAN- This “Redskins” bed skirt, which is only Redskins merch in that it is red and also is a bedskirt which is one of the worst gifts you can give anyone.

New York Giants

FINAL RECORD- 9-7, Second in the NFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

a new entry to into the cannon of Manning Faces

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Some way in which to warm their home stadium so we can have a decent halftime show for the Super Bowl next year and I guess a pass rusher.

BEST GIFT TO SEND TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE GIANTS FAN- the Giants team shop has an array of things that are just red or blue that you can purchase such as these knives and forks. It also has things as dumb as  drink stirrers or feathered hair clips, but my favorite piece of garbage on their website is this hat organizer that has nothing to do with the Giants at all.

DALLAS COWBOYS

FINAL RECORD- 8-8, Third in the NFC East.

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

What the cowboys seem to be saying to their fans every year

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Definitely not a new bus.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE COWBOYS FAN- Though this is the first in the series of articles, I doubt that I will find anything more horrifying than this.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

FINAL RECORD- 4-12, Last in the NFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

we all threw up in our mouths watching your team a little Andy

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Just about everything

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE EAGLES FAN- Unfortunately I think that these nightmare shorts would be all too welcome in the closets of most Eagles fans.

NEXT WEEK THE AFC EAST!

FOOTBALLZ SUPERB OWL PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YO DORKS,

We’re back! The tears shed into beers and other tears from our respective team’s losses have been drank or dried and we are ready to get back on our horse (it is for sure this horse) at least in typing on the internet form to add even more letters to the letter sacrifice (this dude presides and may or may not be the editor of Bleacher Report (internet sports journalism joke just for this guy)) that is the coverage of Super Bowl Sunday (or as we like to call it Superb Owl Sunday). Yes, that’s right, we are here to break down in our usual more like an actual personal break down Sunday’s showdown between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco Forty Niners. LET’S BREAK OUT SOME ARBITRARY COMPARISONS!

MOST INFURIATING PARTICIPANT:

Ravens- Deer Antler Enthusiast, Nightclub Regular, and Overall Jerk Ray Lewis

Forty Niners- Human Temper Tantrum Jim Harbaugh

REPRESENTATIVE TEAM MEMBERS VIEWS ON THE CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE OF OUR AGE:

Ravens- Pro

Forty Niners- Surprisingly Con

THE QUARTERBACKS

Ravens- Former Unibrow

Forty Niners- Former Assistant to Dr. Moreau

THERE YOU GO, that is pretty much all the information that you might need to struggle through an evening with friends who might like sports (and that one dude who somehow got an invite who obviously has money on the game who gets angry when everybody just wants to watch commercials and the guaranteed not to be lip synching Beyonce half-time show). SO GO AHEAD ENJOY THE GAME AND TRY NOT TO GET A STOMACH ACHE YOU GLUTTONS.