Monthly Archives: November 2012 - Page 2

Flea Flicker Vol. II: Freddy’s Revenge

Hello dear Footballz fans and all my friends that accidentally clicked on this link in your Facebook feeds. It’s time for another installment of my Flea Flicker column!


Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut

HIKE! LET’S DO THIS!

Let me get this started with a piggyback on my last column since truth be told all I know about as far as the NFL goes is the Cleveland Browns.  Now you’ll recall me and everyone else in the timid Browns community as being a lil’ bit embarrassed by our latest gunslinger, the oldest rookie QB in the league, Brandon Weeden (who is also older than Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Aaron Rogers, Joe Flacco, and Alex Smith, for starters). Who’s laughing now? From a website:

Weeden has taken every snap for the Browns this season and has completed 154 of 272 attempts for 1,783 yards and nine touchdowns against 10 interceptions. He leads all NFL rookies in passing yards, touchdowns, completions of 20 or more yards (24) and is tied for third in the NFL with six passing touchdowns in October.

B-WEEDS!

B-Weeds!

I don’t like the Carolina Panthers at all and their uniforms either. Also the Tennessee Titans have a terrible name and you can see how that goes. These teams do not do well because their names are not good team names.  Want examples from other sports?  You know who they are.  The Raptors. The Astros. The Wizards. The Thrashers.

Here are names that will always be great in terms of team names (and thus probably in terms of football-wise):

Bears. Packers. Steelers

I guess that’s probably about it. The point is that they have awesome names and it’s basically as if the forces of the universe (or possibly the NFL marketing department) will always leave open the door of possibility that they might break out into wild postseason success. Now, you know this is a half-baked theory by looking at the amount of teams I haven’t included here that do have pretty inarguably cool names – the Broncos, Colts, and the Cowboys? Theory could be bunk.

However let’s take a look at individual player names, which must also play into this you would think. Joe Montana. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Michael Dean Perry. Lynn Swann. Otto Graham. You don’t need to look it up – those guys were all very good. I’ll pick a few names at random that belong to some players who were not great at all: Kelly Holcomb. Tim Couch. Ken Dorsey. Oof, wait – wrong week’s column!

But seriously, I’m going to go look up “worst NFL players” and see what we get. Well first we have Kevin Kolb, which yeah. Wayne Hunter, eh. Blaine Gabbert? For sure. Bobby Carpenter. Chad Cascadden. Steve Pisarkiewicz. Golden Richards. Sammie Smith. Limas Sweed. Ryan Leaf. All of these guys are guys who ought to have realized by 10 years old that they really should not attempt a career in sports. Anything where you have to have your name on your shirt really. And professional announcers saying it.

Feller

 

Sidenote: In middle school, a kid who was way cooler than me and kind of awesome at basketball told me he wished he had my name because no one would ever want to cheer for a guy named “Courtney Brown.” This might have been the origins of my long suspicion/prejudice against flat, floppy-sounding names. Then again, given the choice of him or me (whose name clearly evokes The Chief and whose physique resembles a hunched over chicken ghost), probably they’d cheer for the other guy.

 

Back to my topic, what do you think it means? Maybe you should leave comments about it. I mean is the NFL just coming up with conspiratorial ways to make sure their cooler-named folks stay out front? Are their psychic reasons that they just can’t win, like they have this mental block against success because they’re afraid of what their names would look like on a trophy?

 

All’s I know is that I have yet to give the hot musical career of Todd Rundgren a chance.

 

FLEA FLICKER!

 

Here is a gripe from me – the pointless unwatchableness of ESPN. Not that I’m ever at home thinking that it would be great to flip on the channel to see what’s going on in the wide wild world sports – I don’t have cable of course, because Footballz still don’t pay me money for these valuable columns. Can’t afford it. No, this pet-peeve comes into play when I’m at the bar or at the gym or staring at a TV through an electronics store window or maybe a neighbor’s house across the street. The TV will be turned to ESPN, which has inexplicably given us the pseudo website format of listing out a bunch of topics on the left and chatting about them all in order.

 

Why why why why why? I’m at a bar. There is no audio and the guy didn’t turn on closed captions. I’m at the gym and forgot my headphones. This leaves me with an hour of guys nodding and leaning back and forth over the table with a few seconds now and then of a quarterback standing on the sideline chewing some gum.

 

Today I was at my neighborhood bar the Biltmore and for ten minutes, the TV displayed four talking head with this curious statement across the bottom: “Did Warren Moon make disparaging remarks about Newton? Let us know: was he right?”

 

Yes, very interesting. Very very very very interesting. Lord knows I couldn’t possibly be interested in watching clips of athletes performing cool or even embarrassing stuff in actual sporting contests from earlier in the day or the night previous. No, as a sports fan, I’m much more interested in seeing Skip Bayless’s saggy wrinkled ’80s coke fiend face wag back and forth like a weird Skeksis dude.

 

SKEKSIS

 

BAYLESSSS

 

And yet, maybe this is what we demand. Gossipy news junk about who said what on their Twitter accounts and what it was like when Chad Johnson got fired from the Dolphins and what kind of trash Ray Allen is talking about the Celtics now – I posit that it’s because we’re all such jaded wussbags that we have to pretend that whatever great athlete may come up in conversation, we have to have a secret edge on everyone else and can’t just look each other right in the face and say what needs to be said: “Yeah, he is awesome at catching the ball and running past all the other players.”

I was 15 the day O.J. Simpson was chased across LA at 30 mph in his white Bronco and it slowly made the rounds all the way from the TV up in my friend’s parents kitchen to the den downstairs where we were playing Doom. That is how fast the news moved back in those days. We ran upstairs to see what was up and learn all about a crazy side of O.J. And possibly see some bonkers stuff go down in real time. Nothing really cool happened of course (a similar disappointment came like 15 years later when we tuned in to crappy CNN live streaming video as the Balloon Boy fell to earth), but here was the extent of our discourse then: my friend’s dad walked in, took a look at the TV, and said, “Wait, O.J. Simpson is in that truck? Why doesn’t he just get out and run for it?” Then he made the Heisman pose, grinned at us, and got out of there.

I always think back on that moment as possibly the best moment of sports commentary I’ve ever witnessed.  It’s all been downhill since. And yes of course there have always been pot-stirring TV personalities and local beat newspaper guys (at least if we are to believe The Natural ), but I’m thinking the overall cutesy over-analyzation of sports and everything tangentially related to them is just another sign that our awful and self-important culture has no sense of fun or reverence. Basically what this boils down to is the sports rule and dudes sitting around talking about it do not rule (unless they are providing live laffs and insight for you during the game for free over the Internet).

The Hussein Trophy

4th Quarter Poll for Week 8!

EAGLES/SAINTS CHAT

FOOTBALLZ WEEK EIGHT (again)! EAGLES v. SAINTS

vs.

GANGNAM GRAMPS

WE RETURN! After our one week weather related hiatus (to help with real tragedies click here) we return to re-up with re-week eight and this week is a doozy of disappointment. The sad (and producing sad pump up videos on their website 3-4 Philadelphia Eagles travel to New Orleans to face the in full disarray 2-5 New Orleans Saints and we will be cataloging the misery all night long. It has been a while since we had a game (period) that had so much terrible feelings about it and we are going to wrap ourselves in those terrible feelings like a warm soft comforting blanket.

THE EAGLES are bad, though they sit in second place in the NFC East (that is because outside of the Giants the NFC East is kind of terrible and dear god we should  no longer be forced to watch these miserable jerks but that’ll never happen so now I guess I know who the 4th string back for the Cowboys is, at least he has kind of a cool name?) they are in full meltdown mode. They recently fired their defensive coordinator, who was not a defensive coordinator till last season because he was too busy coaching the offensive line, which seems like an attempt to take the teams mind off of their many, for lack of a better term, fuck ups this season. Michael Vick has been particularly bad (a lot of their season has been like this) and people are calling for this dude to take over (no that is not a secondary suspect in an episode of CSI Miami, it is backup quarterback Nick Foles). LeSean McCoy is as good at football as he his at putting capital letters in the middle of his name (his favorite musician) so we will get to watch that but for the most part I feel like we will be witnessing the end of Andy Reid’s very bad year.

THE SAINTS are in trouble, news just dropped that currently suspended head coach Sean Payton’s contract for next season has been voided and if this season has proved anything (and it seems like a lot of things that were being said about the Saints before the season are maybe not so true) it is that this team is pretty bad without Payton’s guidance. They have stumbled out of the gate (I guess that is not enough, they have just fallen down out of the gate and then the gate fell down on top of them and while they have looked okay at times they are still under a gate and have shown no signs of escaping said gate) to a 2-5 record and have not really showed signs of improvement. They still have Drew Brees and he seems nice enough (though he should both fire his agent and whomever dressed him in this commercial) but the offense has not been able to make up for their glaring defensive problems. TONIGHT! WE WILL FIND OUT WHICH ONE OF THESE SAD SACJS WILL EMERGE WITH FALSE HOPE! WHO WILL THINK THAT THINGS ARE MUCH BETTER THAN THEY ACTUALLY ARE! BESIDES EVERYBODY WHO IS THINKING ABOUT THE ELECTION! I’M VOTING FOR THIS DUDE! BUT WE SHALL RETURN! TO THE MICS! AND TALK STRAIGHT INTO YOUR BRAINS! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

 

Thanks,

The FOOTBALLZ Team