Monthly Archives: November 2012

4th Quarter Poll for Week 12! Panthers vs. Eagles.



I’m only slightly aware of what this is but I am fully aware of how it is super gross.


sometimes the easy classics are the best


HAPPY THANKSGIVING DORKS! I spent to bulk of the weekend housesitting for Producer Emeritus Ken and now I see the video game I played at his house all weekend when I sleep! WHAT A HOLIDAY! ANYWAY, imagine you had a friend who told you  months ago that the Thanksgiving meal they were going to serve you at their house might be the best meal you’ll ever have. Then in the interim, they made you lunch and it wasn’t super good, then they brought soup to a party (which was of course an awesome soup party) and it was pretty terrible, and then you heard that their oven was broken and that they were cooking the entire meal in a microwave, that is what this game (and I guess the bulk of the ESPN schedule) is like. Two teams who had high hopes that they have subsequently watched fall in the toilet like so many little kids with cameras and kittens and toilets. THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES and THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are captains of crapitude and we will watch as their season circle the drain TOGETHER, LIKE A FAMILY.

WHEN WE LAST SAW THE EAGLES ON A PREVIOUS EDITION OF FOOTBALLZ Marcus Vick went off on twitter while Andy Reid was bullfroging his was through a loss to the Saints and people were calling for his job AND NOW? Now the Eagles are worse and people are wondering if Reid should just step down, in the in-between the artist formally known as Ron Mexico /dog killer/man who served his debt to society/current dog owner Michael Vick has gone down with a concussion, as has star running back/apparent owner of a NFL shield piece LeSean McCoy, and every dumb Eagles fan’s favorite Nick Foles has taken the reins of the offense with predictable results. The Eagles are not so good right now and I am sorry we all have to watch them, we will try not to mention them too much in the broadcast which will be tough since they will be on the field THE WHOLE TIME.

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS have also been a let down, Cam Newton has regressed after an excellent rookie season and has apparently had some attitude problems which has landed him in hot water (on which I call bullshit, his attitude has not been GMing the team into the dumpster, he’d probably have a better attitude if he didn’t have to play with such shitty players), it is possible that he has been distracted by all the baking he’s been doing. Their coach Ron Rivera has been, um, not so great (except in his General Adama look alike entry, THAT he wins. In fact if only wins could be obtained by looking the most like Battlestar Galactica characters then the Panthers wold be second only to Bill Belichick (by that I mean he is secretly a robot who enjoys killing people in his spare time and that he looks like that under his hoodie and fake face) and the Pats) and their $89 million backfield of Jonathan Stewart, DeAngelo Williams, and Mike Tolbert have looked more like Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz (actor version), 2008 D’Angelo, and Georgia Tech’s Regent Professor Laren Tolbert (not in the sense of being a professor, like if that dude played football I mean, he is probably a very good professor (he is!)). The Panthers at least will have another year of high draft picks to build around Cam with, oh right that dumpster thing. WE WILL WATCH THOUGH! WE ALWAYS WATCH! UNLESS WE ARE CLOING OUR EYES! THEN ALL WE SEE IS THE VIDEO GAME WE SPENT ALMOST TWO ENTIRE STRAIGHT DAYS PLAYING! YOU SHOULD NOT DO THAT! YOU END UP LOOKING LIKE THIS (I did not look like that, no headset! (I do not understand the appeal of going online and getting insulted by twelve year olds, also I feel like what is said in the weird talking to other people during video games world is only outstripped by youtube comments as the lowest form of communication))! EVEN IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF SPORTS GARBAGNESS! WE ARE THERE TO GUIDE YOU! GUIDE YOU TO A BETTER OR AT LEAST A DIFFERENT FUTURE! PROBABLY ONE WHERE YOU STILL HAVE TO GO WORK ON TUESDAY! BUT YOU WILL HAVE STAYED UP LATE LISTENING TO US! SO YOU WILL PROBABLY BE MORE TIRED! SEE! DIFFERENT! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!



4th Quarter Poll for Week 11! Bears vs. 49ers.





you can add the “ers” yourself


Most of the season we have to sit through some serious garbage, matchups between overrated East Coast snoozers, young inept squads littering the field with mistakes, blowouts that are only close on the scoreboard, and games that were promising when the schedule was put together but have been robbed of their grandure by teams that have borne themselves out to be straight up piles of burning waste. This week, however, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. We have a ding dong of a GAME, a tussle (not to be confused with this) between two teams towards the tops of their respective division that is dripping with playoff implications (which I often am when stepping out of the shower, The Chicago Bears and their ferocious, very much like a bear (but not a panda), defense face off against the San Francisco 49ers and their almost equally ferocious, I guess maybe like a super drunk miner or one from this show, defense (now that I write it out it should be said that the two defenses will not actually face off against each other. I mean that could be cool as kind of an artist statement about the futility of sports/life in a world where we will all be stopped on fourth down (our deathbeds (which makes me think about what happens to beds when people die on them? Do they get re-used? Burned? Put into fancy historical museums where future people (when not escaping the horror floods of 2525) ride around on hoverboards seeing how the ancients croaked?)) eventually, maybe Matthew Barney could get in on this, he’s kind of a jock) in what should be a real slobberknocker (gross).

THE CHICAGO BEARS have been riding high this season on the shoulders of the aforementioned defense (like, six extra feet high?) and their penchant for takeaways (not to be confused with what appears to be some of their linemans’ penchant for ordering take away). That defense is led by cornerback Charles “Peanut” Tillman (not to be confused with this guy, this guy, or this guy (also, this dude has been in the NFL for like ten years and nobody has called him “Peanut “ till now, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I’m all for as many nicknames as possible (not from you though) but how did this name just spring out of nowhere? And how did all of the networks just decide that this year he’d be “Peanut” and not just regular Charles Tillman? I think this is another conspiracy by Roger Goodell to throw people off the whole concussion problem), Julius “Pretzel” Peppers, and Brian “Kind of Stale Off Brand Dorito” Urlacher, AKA The Party Mix (I wish SO MUCH that this was true, even though it is pretty gross, how could you not love that bag). Their offense was pretty decent as well until “Smokin” Jay Cutler went down last week with with a concussion, now Lovie Smith (that isn’t a nickname?) will turn the offense over to lifetime ineffective QB Jason “if I had a nickname it would be the dude that Mike Shanahan hates the most, either that or Soup” Campbell and hope that with the help of Matt “why doesn’t he get the ball more often, using it well seems to be his” Forte and Brandon “just because I am an advocate for mental illness it doesn’t mean you should look askance every time I do something stupid” Marshall.

THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS are also known mostly for their defense, though it does not have the nickname power of the Bears’ it still plays extremely well under the leadership of coach/whiny angry baby who can walk upright and wear khakis Jim Harbaugh. They have tremendous linebacker play (while the world still waits for the tremendous linebacker play to hit broadway, this doesn’t count) and that unit is led by perennial defensive player of the year candidate Patrick Willis and he is kind of boring when he exercises.  Their offense relies on a strong running game that leans heavily on veteran who’s beliefs on climate change we’re still unsure of Frank Gore (no relation) but he is often spelled (pretty easily ZING! See, cause the name Frank Gore is pretty easy to spell, oh you got it? Sorry, I missed hearing the gales of laughter that usually accompany such a well placed pun) by both Kendall Hunter (no relation) and Anthony Dixon (no relation). We may also see the Niners’ backup QB this time out as starter who would have been thrown out the window if Peyton Manning came a calling Alex Smith also got his bell rung, so second year man/triangle head Colin Kaepernick may take the helm, expect him to run around and look nervous a lot. WE WILL DO NEITHER THINGS! THE RUNNING AROUND JUST ISN’T POSSIBLE IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN EFFECTIVE BROADCAST INTO MICROPHONES AND IT IS HARD TO BE NERVOUS AFTER CONSUMING 5 POUNDS OF CHINESE FOOD! WE WILL ALSO HAVE A GUEST PRODUCER, FOOTBALLZ COLUMNIST AND REAL LIVE BROWNS FAN MATT PARISH! AS WELL AS A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH GENTLEMAN/TEXAN/ARTIST/NEW YORK CITY RESIDENT COLBY BIRD! SO MANY PEOPLE AFTER TWO WEEKS OF JUST MAC AND TD! IT’LL PROBABLY BE WEIRD! JUST AS WEIRD AS YOU LIKE IT (WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS PRETTY WEIRD YOU WEIRD WEIRDOS)! WE’LL WEIRD UP YOU EARS! LIKE A Q-TIP THAT INSTEAD OF COTTON HAS A WEIRD SWAB AT THE END! AND INSTEAD OF REMOVING EARWAX AND FEELING SO SO GOOD EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE TELL YOU IT IS UNHEALTHY IT WILL DEPOSIT THE WEIRDNESS STILL FEEL GOOD AND BE COMPLETELY TERRIBLE FOR YOU NO DOUBT! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! EHAODHAOIFOINRUHFOUAHRWFROFURFOH!



Flea Flicker Vol. III: Fist Drive

The following is an excerpt from what I think might be my very first foray into sportswriting – a wrap-up of the Super Bowl published in a newsletter I started with my friends in fourth grade. It was called The Fanger Chronicle and was named after our teacher, Mrs. Fanger.

Not sure if all of this report is factually accurate or not, so don’t go running back in time to place bets using just The Fanger Chronicle. I do believe this was the game that featured Diet Coke’s Be Bop Bamboozled 3D halftime show. Please don’t confuse the typos here with average, regularly-occurring typos. Paragraph breaks inserted for your reading convenience, because otherwise the thing is one big long block of text just like Jack Kerouac used to do…

The Super Bowl
By Matt Parish

It was January second in Jo Robbie Stadium. The two teams were the Bengles and the 49ers. Today was the Super Bowl.

First, they had the coin toss, won by the 9ers. Then came the opening kickoff. When the 49ers caught the ball – only to be tackled. On their fist drive down the field they got about 45 yards away from the fieldgoal and went for the goal. But the missed it. So the Bengles got their first chance for a touchdown. But, they only ended off on defense in the next 10 minutes. Then it was the 49ers turn again. When they got in field goal range they tried – and got. The score was 3-0. But that lead wouldn’t be a lead for long. When the Bengles got the ball and then when they got in field goal range they went for the field goal and, of course, got it.

So when the 49ers got to recieve another kickoff. But this time they didn’t score. But te Bengles did lose one of their best defensive dudes. When the Bengles got the ball they scored a fiels goal, making the score 6-3. When the 49ers recieved the ball they didn’t want to be behind, ’cause when they got the ball they went to the end of the field and, you’ve probably guess by now, they got a field goal. That made the Bengles mad. When Stanford Jennings caught the ball on the kickoff, he ran 93 yards for a touch down.

Now, the 49ers were really in trouble. The score was 13-6. When the 49ers recieved, they didn’t score. But still, when the Bengles recieved the kickoff, the got, yet, another field goal. But then, finally, when the 49ers got the ball, on the 2nd down J. Rice was out by the sidelines, Joe Montana had just gotten the snap. The Joe saw Jerry and passed. Jerry got the ball and got tacled by a Bengle. But when he was going down he held the ball over the endzone and that counts as a touchdown.

By then the clock was running low. The Bengles reieved the ball and did nothing with it. Then the 49ers got the ball and went abou 48 yards from the touch and tried to make a field goal, but it didn’t go in. Then clock was now at 1:35 sec. The Bengles got the ball and they tried their best, but, couldn’t make it. The 49ers got the ball and they tried their best, and it paid off. On their 3rd down the 49ers made a touchdown. Then they kicked off. The bengles had 35 seconds to get touch down. You might think that it would be a storybook ending but no, the 49ers won it 20-16.

In other news that issue:


This month’s favorite song is Guns & Roses newest song out. It is Paradice City.

4th Quarter Poll for week 10! Chiefs at Steelers.

Carl Cheffers







WWWWWWEEEEEKKKKKKK NINE NINE NINE! WE ARE HEADED DOWN THE BACK STRETCH (we are following this to stay limber)! And now we know some things and what we know is that this game is going to be ugly. This week the utterly terrible Kansas City Chiefs face off with the maybe pretty decent Pittsburgh Steelers and we are all going to survive it. IN FACT, this may be the perfect game for FOOTBALLZ, with little to no doubt about the outcome you can while away the hours while we spew about all things football and loosely related to football. Regardless of game quality, football is still awesome and there is not that much left this season so you should put one of those weird swimmer nose plug things in/on your nose and put your face on the teevee.

THE CHIEFS stink, they stink bad, they are probably the stinkiest team this year (these guys might argue that point but luckily we don’t have to watch them), they might consider changing their name to the the Stinkas City Stinkchiefs and their helmets to this. Their head coach recently fired their defensive coordinator which would be fine but the head coach was their defensive coordinator so that is kind of a problem, their fans openly rooted for their quarterback to get injured and when he did they were forced to start this guy who couldn’t even hack it as a starter in Cleveland, and an anti-team facebook page is approaching higher numbers than attendance at home games. This team more or less as it is constructed now made the playoffs just two years ago so this stinkspiral is extra disturbing AND THIS IS WHAT WE GET TO WATCH FOR THREE HOURS TOGETHER MY FRIENDS SO LIMBER UP YOUR EYES FOR EXTRA ROLLING.

THE STEELERS are continuing another season of being counted out as AFC North Champions until rounding into shape during the last half of the season, making the playoffs, then either making the rest of the country sick by making the Super Bowl again or losing in hilarious and unprecedented fashion (even in Japanese that is still awesome. Injuries have started to catch up with this veteran team as the biggest villain in the NFL has missed time (unfortunately not with a karmic injury of this mouth spraining itself while he said more terrible things) and defensive leader/celebrity haircut Troy Polamalu falling victim to recurring hamstring problems. They continue to roll on behind their still-not-quite-convicted-of-rape-somehow QB Ben Roethlisberger and head coach/Omar Epps body double Mike Tomlin and will keep annoying me perhaps until the end of time itself (I suppose I’ll just watch this scene of a fake version of Heinz Field exploding over and over till they lose). SO HEY! DID A GREAT JOB OF SELLING THIS ONE! TERRIBLE VERSUS ANNOYING IN A CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN MAKE US QUIT WATCHING FOOTBALL FOREVER! BUT HERE’S THEY THING THEY DON’T KNOW! WE WILL WATCH UNTIL THE SUN BURNS OUT (or until we turn into this guy)! SO TAKE THAT ESPN SCHEDULE MAKERS! YOU COULD NOT STOP US WITH FAKE REFS, YOU COULD NOT STOP US FRANKENSTORMS AND YOU CANNOT STOP US WITH TERRIBLE TEAMS! WE WILL KEEP WATCHING AND TALKING AND TALKING AND TALKING TILL YOU WEEP AND BEG US TO STOP! AND THEN WE STILL WON’T! WE, LIKE GLOBAL WARMING, CAN NO LONGER BE DENIED! SO TASTE OUR TENACIOUSNESS TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!


The Footballz Team