Monthly Archives: October 2012 - Page 2

Broncos v Chargers Live Chat!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK SIX! BRONCOS v. CHARGERS!

I wish the regular Broncos played in these

vs.

The only card we charge to

HEY DANCING GARFIELDS,

Its Monday, more like blwhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun-day right? We, however, are the weird gross computer animation dancing Garfields going off to a strange Japanese cover of Land of 1000 Dances rather than this dude because FOOTBALLLLLLLLLLL. This week we have an AFC West (AFC WORST is more like it, am I right?) showdown between the Denver Broncos and the San Diego Chargers. Most of the ink (or whatever you call the stuff that appears on the internet, code? 10101010101es? Digi-ink? Also, I don’t think much ink gets spilled overall these days, sorry for using outdated term now I must do extra laps on my bicycle) for this game will be spilled about the quarterbacks and we will be joining in by dumping our bottles all over these QBs (who else were we going to talk about? This guy (any excuse to show that picture)?) and the respective parts of their bodies that garner the most attention (don’t even), Peyton Manning’s noodle arm and Phillip Rivers’ laser face.

We’ve talked a bunch about what a bag of dicks Peyton Manning and his boss man are and while I could do that all the live long day (and until the cows come home) I would like to focus on his physical problems rather than his being a rancid dickhole problems. Around the time of the last Super Bowl (sorry Pats fans) a local Indianapolis reporter reported (there has got to be a better way to day that) that Peyton’s arm was a noodle. If you have watched his wobbly (I refuse to say “dead duck”, dead ducks cannot fly and I am sick of taking people outside with footballs and dead ducks to display the difference, HOW MANY DUCKS MUST I KILL TO PROVE THIS POINT) passes this season you might agree that his arm is more noodle than man at this point. His team’s penchant for falling behind early and forcing him to put undue stress on said noodle isn’t helping. My question is how long before this noodle disease starts to infect the rest of his body and we are left with nothing but Fusilli Peyton?

On the other side of the field we have the nominal rivals to the aforementioned noodle dickbags, the San Diego Chargers. The Chargers have been a perennial disappointment as long as they have been coached by the man who stole James Edward Olmos’ dermatologist, Norv Turner (like I said, any excuse). The only thing that keeps then interesting is their mercurial quarterback, Phillip “Laserface” Rivers. When he is not making frighteningly awesome passes (which is about half the time by now) he is making scary scary scary scary faces and being mocked incessantly. As those faces might make evident he runs a little hot and cold, which one will we see tonight? We have no idea BUT THAT’S WHY WE WATCH THE GAMES RIGHT? TO SEE IF THIS JERKWAD WILL BE GOOD OR NOT? ALSO PERHAPS TO FORGET THE ENDLESS CRUSHING CYCLE OF LIFE THAT MIGHT END WITH A TRIP INTO THE CONSCIOUSNESS VOID? OR TO FEEL FELLOWSHIP WITH OTHER PEOPLE IF ONLY ON THE MOST SUPERFICIAL LEVEL? UGH THIS MONDAY MAY BE A LITTLE BLEAKER THAN I THOUGHT! WAIT, DON’T HANG YOURSELF YET, WE HAVE AWESOME NEWS! WE HAVE A LIVE SHOW MONDAY OCTOBER 29TH AT MIDDLESEX LOUNGE! IT WILL BE A CAVALCADE OF EXCITING THINGS HAPPENING IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE FOR ONCE! NOT JUST ALL UP IN YOUR EARS! SO REJOICE! AND LISTEN TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

Throw like a Girl

I’d like to start this week’s column with a deep, sincere apology. In light of the Marissa Mayer controversy, I offer up my own piece of evidence that work-life balance remains all to elusive for girls. Last week, work travel kept me away from cooking for the hardworking men in my life. That meant that I had no food to write about for all of you, unless you wanted a detailed review of places to eat near my hotel (I recommend this place for cheap happy hour food to accompany the start of Footballz, West Coast style, if you like fennel on your pizza. I, apparently, do). I apologize again, and of course, take full responsibility for my absence. And now onto the meat of this column. Or at least the meatless substitute.

This week, I’d like to share some thoughts about Butternut Squash and Hazelnut Lasagne;

I grew up eating real lasagna. You know the goopy, cheesy stuff that you could make by throwing noodles, sauce, and all the cheese in the house into a big pile that sat in the oven for a long time. I guess those of you who are unchosen (gentiles, you know who you are) might have even had ground beef mixed in the pile. And those in supposedly health conscious families added a few handfuls of spinach. All variations of these lasagna piles = Delicious. My mom would actually make a few of them at once as part of her thrice yearly forays into cooking. Throughout my childhood, I grew to love (and hate by the last serving, and then love again) real lasagna.

Exhibit A

But then I grew up and instead of making heartland style food, I convinced myself that I can cook by getting a farm share and religiously following recipes with at least 3.5 forks on Epicurious. Epicurious definitely prefers complicated food to heartland food. I now equate laborious with better quality food. So when it came time to use up my CSA acquired (see top of the paragraph) butternut squash in a football appropriate way, I looked to Epicurious. I found a lasagne recipe. Notice that it is lasagnE not lasagnA, because Epicurious would not deign to use an American spelling of common foods. Perfect!

The recipe is made even better (and by better, I mean fancier, not better tasting) by requiring something that Huffington Post (my news source of the week) describes as a food that “conventional wisdom that deems… too hard to cook for the inexperienced”: Bechemel Sauce. I was sold. I did, however, make one recipe change: Despite the four forks, a lot of reviewers said it was a little bland, so I followed recommendations to double the garlic and sage. Which now leads us to the recipe reactions:

While cooking;

  1. Yes, it takes 2.5 hours to make, as promised. An hour of that is in the oven, but it still takes long enough prep time to show that nothing matters to you more than maximizing football watching enjoyment.
  2. It wasn’t actually hard to make at all. Bechemel sauce is super easy. The only thing you have to watch out for is once it starts boiling, it quickly turns into a crazy rapid boil that could easiliy spill over the top and make a mess. Probably bad to let that happen.
  3. There’s no need to take the skin off the hazelnuts. You can interpret this as another step that makes the recipe better because it’s a pain in the ass , or you just accept the nuts for what they are. It’s not like you’ve never had bad skin. I promise that once you combine the nuts with everything else, you won’t notice the skins at all.
  4. The filling looks beautiful before combining it with everything else. Makes it feel like fall has arrived.
  5. Assembling lasagnE was as fun as assembling lasagnA.

Out of the oven:

  1. It looks awesome, fancy, and delicious. For me, it wins on appearance.
  2. This is heavy enough that a side salad is definitely required to balance things out.
  3. Small children aren’t going to like it. Too adult for tiny humans, even if they are very shy about hating your food. On the other hand, polite guests trying to make up for the fact that their children won’t eat your food will at least claim to like it a lot.
  4. Household members, cooks included, will think that it’s fine. But just okay, not great. It turns out that 227 reviewers have some collective knowledge and are able to successfully point out when something is a little bland.

In summary: It’s still hard to beat the traditional lasagnA piles. Leave the lasagnE to the rest of the world that also doesn’t know what football is.

Seriously?

4th Quarter Poll! for TEXANS VS. JETS.

Jets v Texans – Chat it up!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FIVE! TEXANS v. JETS!

this dude is better looking than Matt Schaub

vs.

RUSS TAMBLYN!

NERDS WHO LIKE NERD STUFF,

You must forgive us, FOOTBALLZ has been traveling all week and is tired. Tired from the travel and drained strength it took to sit through three plus hours at a sports bar in the horror hole of Providence, Rhode Island (OH BROTHER, no offense to the many fine people that live there but this place was a leather jacket and a skinny gold chain over a sports jersey with a spray on tan that was made into a building, the nachos were dece though (UGH THEY INFECTED ME WITH THE DISEASE THAT MAKES YOU SAY DECE! SOMEBODY HELP! NEXT I’LL BE ORDERING COFFE MILKS AND WEIRD CHOWDER!)). WE ARE WIPED OUT FOR REAL, so this preview may be a little shorter than normal. This week we have what should be a rout, the undefeated (and possibly best team in football) Houston Texans face off against the traveling to New Jersey to visit the lowly New York Jets (and their apoplectic fan base (the sepia tone makes it extra sad)).

The Texans are good, very good. Their offense is excellent and led by an Arian (not like these dudes), a Schaub (not the famous vintage radio which we of course all know about or the historic hardware company, but I would look at either than the actual dude who looks like a goober and has a face made to be under a football helmet), and Andre Johnson  (he’s kind of the only famous one). The defense has been super under the guidance of one time punchline Wade Phillips who seems to be enjoying life again after moving across the state and having the services of JJ Watt (not to be confused with this JJ, or this one, or this one which you should not confuse with a place you would ever like to go in your life). The whole shebang is headed up by coach and one time mullet master Gary Kubiak (if there is another Gary Kubiak I am sorry not to have found you).

The Jets stink, they are without their best player, and their coach is pissed (NICE PARENTING!). Much of their season apparently has been about running in the rain I guess? I don’t know, I don’t pay attention to backup quarterbacks. WHATEVER! THEY ARE TERRIBLE! AND I JUST SAW THIS SCARY STORY ABOUT FUNGAL MENINGITIS AND STEROIDS! BETWEEN THAT AND THIS NEW SUPER GONORRHEA WE OVER HERE ARE FREAKING OUT! ALL WE DO IS STEROIDS AND GONORRHEA STUFF! HOPEFULLY WE CAN MAKE IT TO TONIGHT! 8:30PM! WE WIL LEAVE THE STEROIDS AND GONORRHEA STUFF OFF THE SHOW! WE PROMISE! ONLY US BLABBING ABOUT SPORTS! WE MAY HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST! WILL IT BE THESE GUYS?! PROBABLY NOT! WILL IT BE THIS GUY?! MAAAAYYYBEBBBBEEEEEEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEBEB! MAYBE THERE WON’T BE ANY AND YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO LISTEN TO OUR MOUTHS MAKE THE DUMB WORDS! AND YOU’LL LIKE IT TOO! OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW THIS WEEK IS ALSO UP IN THE AIR BUT IT IS PROBABLY RAPPER/ENERGY DRINK MAGNATE JUICEBOXXXX! MAC PROBABLY TALKED TO HIM ABOUT STUFF! BUT WE’LL ALL SEE (I MEAN HEAR, HAHA, RIGHT?)! TONIGHT! 8:30PM!  FOOTBALLZ..ORG! FOOOOOTTBBAAAAALLLLLLLZ.OOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRGGG (DON’T GO TO THAT WEBSITE, IT IS NOT OUR WEBSITE)!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

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THE NEW ICONS

4th Quarter Poll for Week 4! (Bears vs. Cowboys)

Bears v Boys!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FOUR! BEARS v. ‘BOYS!

Your favorite station and the favorite station of the Fort Wayne Tincaps

vs.

If you know what this is you should be creeped out right now.

GREEN EYED LADIES,

AHHHHHHHHHH week four, the week where people start to think they know stuff, these dudes, this dude, this dude, this dude (just seeing if you were paying attention, that dude doesn’t know anything ever), BUT THEY ARE ALL WRONG, THESE PEOPLE KNOW NOTHING (I mean they know things, like how to make terrible boring videos). FOOTBALL IS AWESOME AND RANDOM AND CRAZY CRAP HAPPENS ALL THE TIME AND TONIGHT’S GAME SHOULD BE NO DIFFERENT. It is insane to me that people spend (I mean lose) hundreds of thousands of dollars a year betting on a sport that can be so random (which brings me to the only thing I will say about last week’s game; (is this how you use a semi-colon? Wrong or right that is some BULLSHIT punctuation mark stuff right there) there was a lot of coverage about how much money changed hands after the controversial (or just karmic) ending to the game, THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN A STORY! No one should care about dummies who throw their money away because they cannot enjoy things without cash attached to it. People are free to spend their dough however they like but please please please do not write stories of sympathy for degenerates). ANYWAY THIS WEEK TWO TEAMS THAT PEOPLE WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FOOTBALL CAN PROBABLY NAME IF YOU BET THEM TEN DOLLARS (now that is awesome gambling), The Dallas Cowboys and the Chicago Bears.

The home team Bears might be good but they might not, they’ve looked good, they’ve looked bad, they’ve looked like they were smoking. The team inspires very little from me, they have a good defense as per the reg and it is always fun to remind people about how mopey Jay Cutler is but this team is a snooze (just look at their new uniform “re-design”). Unless they keep unleashing that sideways driving twit-vid fire you can wake me up if they make the playoffs or until they start playing games in the snow. Sorry Chicago, your hot dogs may be weird and delicious but your team is BORING and boring makes me more angry than those goose farts in the Geico commercials.

The visiting Cowboys are also somewhere in the middle of the good/bad spectrum but they are rarely boring. Perhaps it is their evil teeth monster owner who makes his son-in-law wipe his glasses? Perhaps it is their up and down quarterback who inspires famous writers to say the word boner on television? Or maybe it is their Ivy League educated ginger coach with a smile that is just a little too big? I guess I’m just more interested in jerks than snoozers (JUST LIKE THE LADIES, AM I RIGHT NICE GUYS?)? WELL I SUPPOSE WE WILL FIND OUT IF THE BORING TEAM IS BETTER THAN THE TEAM FULL OF DICKBAGS TONIGHT! AT 8:30! TD PROMISES NOT TO JUST MAKE A NOISE LIKE A BULLROAR THROUGHOUT THE SECOND HALF AGAIN BUT MIGHT THROW A HAT JUST FOR KICKS! HAVE YOU EVER THROWN A HAT? IT IS PRETTY GREAT! IN FACT IF YOU DECIDE TO WEAR A HAT LIKE THIS YOU SHOULD REALLY THROW IT! OUT A WINDOW! AND MAYBE NOT TAKE IT OFF WHEN YOU DO! JUST KIDDING! SUICIDE, EVEN IF YOU ARE A DUMB HAT WEARER, IS A BUMMER! YOU PROBABLY HAVE FRIENDS OR LIKE A COUSIN OR SOMETHING THAT LIKES YOU! THEY WOULD PROBABLY BE REALLY BUMMED OUT FOR A WEEK OR SOMETHING! YOU SHOULD THROW IT IN A RIVER OR SOMETHING THOUGH! IT IS DUMB LOOKING FOR REAL! ON A RELATED NOTE WE SPEAK TO FASHION DUDE/STORE FOUNDER/GALLERY CO-OWNER OLIVER MAK AT HALFTIME ABOUT SUCH THINGS! SO LISTEN IN FOR ALL OF THAT! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!!