Monthly Archives: August 2012

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT. 5 THE AFC/NFC SOUTHS

in this case the NFL season is like that hairy armed clock and FOOTBALLZ is like that smoking dandy. FOOTBALLZ DOES NOT ENDORSE SMOKING OR CARRYING A CANE AND ESPECIALLY NOT THE WEARING OF DUMB HATS.

 

OH BROTHER, the season is so close we can taste it (it tasted kind of like fresh cut grass, beer, and concussions) and we are totally caught with our pants down (a confession, I played football for two weeks in high school having always wanted to but not been allowed by my parents. On the first day that we actually put on uniforms I did not realize that I would need to provide my own belt and spent most of the practice trying to keep my pants up, I failed at that task on multiple occasions). So here we are jamming two weeks worth of preview into one blog post, a feat we will replicate next week just in time for the weird weird Wednesday opening night of the season. I hope you, our dedicated audience of 5 doesn’t feel cheated. Now, the AFC South:

This one makes it into my personal chart that makes no sense hall of fame

 

Indianapolis Colts

2011 IN REVIEW- This was pretty much it

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- nobody, because even crime in Indianapolis is boring

2012 OUTLOOK- Hopefully the Colts first season of Luck will go better than HBO’s (though I think they horse body count might be the same.

Houston Texans

2011 IN REVIEW- People got injured, we got to see what a TJ Yates looks like (Kind of like a sad robot), and they won the division for the first time (I would put an exclamation point but I wasn’t excited).

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none, was this feature a bad idea?

2012 OUTLOOK- They signed some people but lost some people, but nobody in the division got much better,  who knows?

Jacksonville Jaguars

2011 IN REVIEW- They started a dude named Blaine (no not this one) and he was not good at all.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- First round pick Justin Blackmon (phew)(MUGSHOT, bummed out)

2012 IN REVIEW- From reports it seems as if Blaine has found his Andie in Mike Mularky so perhaps they can turn it around.

Tennessee Titans

2011 IN REVIEW- They continued to have the worst uniforms in pro sports.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star Wide Receiver Kenny Britt (MUGSHOT, undisturbed in Lacoste)

2012 OUTLOOK- Second year man (his second year in the NFL not his second year as a man) Jake Locker gets the nod at QB so we’ll all watch him run around a lot.

I really have no idea what’s going on in this photo

Carolina Panthers

2011 IN REVIEW- Cam

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none, but did you know that Randy Travis the famous country music star was arrested? And he was buck naked at the time? Thank you Charlotte Observer for bringing that to my attention.

2012 OUTLOOK- Cams gonna Cam but they’ll probably stay in the middle of the pack.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

2011 IN REVIEW- It seems like a lot of people quit, so somebody had to get fired. They were pretty bad.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Cornerback Eric Wright (mugshot unavailable)

2012 OUTLOOK- They hired a coach from one of the worst places on earth but people seem psyched so good luck to them.

Atlanta Falcons

2011 IN REVIEW- Matt Ryan took a step back and kept the nickname Matty Ice so he will remain disrespected from this corner of the internet.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none but a couple of ex-Falcons went down for things pedestrian and not so much.

2012 OUTLOOK- Everybody is talking about how Julio Jones is going to light it up, now I’m one of them, sorry.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

2011 IN REVIEW- No one will remember the season but the offseason has been, um, troubling.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none but the troubles remain.

2012 OUTLOOK- Still troubling.

 

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEW PT. 4 THE AFC NORTH

preseason analysis should always look kind of like this

Oh maaaaaannnnn, it’s getting closer, the season, this football season for which we all yearn is nearly upon us. We must only sit through two more weeks of fraudulent football fakery before the real real gets real. Preseason football is kind of cool if you like guys that won’t actually ever play football again or what a third string quarterback looks like trying to impress girls but it teaches the casual viewer almost nothing. There are sooooooo maaannnny 01010101010101010101010101s dropped on preseason football, whether it be analyzing it or telling you not to analyze it, on the internet that I feel like offering another opinion is like taking a picture of your dinner and putting it up on facebook, it might feel good but NOBODY CARES. Anyway the best thing I heard about preseason came from the Shutdown Corner Podcast, Greg Cosell was talking about how preseason is the time to find out if someone can do something and if not time to adjust future game plans. So when a QB throws an interception on a 15 yard out Herm Edwardses should stop shouting about it because he probably won’t throw that pass in the regular season. So everybody CHILL THE FUCK OUT (google image search for that phrase is a cornucopia of weirdness) and let us keep on with the previews, this week the super annoying AFC NORTH

the AFC North is like a midwest mood ring where every color=depressed

Pittsburgh Steelers

2011 IN REVIEW- hahahahahahahahahaha-ah-hahahahahahahahaha

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none, but Hines Wards did commit a crime against reality in his Dark Knight Rises cameo.

2012 OUTLOOK- Many members of the media (chiefly Jerome Bettis and Bill Cowher) will say “don’t count out the Pittsburgh Steelers” even when they should really be counted out.

Baltimore Ravens

2011 IN REVIEW- Billy Cundiff somehow did not end up in a vacant (which, oh god that would have been awful and severed my already tenuous ties to my fellow football fan).

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- former star running back Jamal Lewis (MUGSHOT, not happy at all).

2012 OUTLOOK- Joe Flacco will hope that Anthony Davis will take attention away from his unibrow, he will be wrong.

Cincinnati Bengals

2011 IN REVIEW- They got a ginger QB named Andy and they got better but it was mostly thanks to a WR named AJ. This happened.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- so so many

2012 OUTLOOK- Their helmets will still kind of make me sick and make me think of weird chili.

Cleveland Browns

2011 IN REVIEW- More of this

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- none, I guess the Bengals got enough for the whole divison.

2012 OUTLOOK- a dude who is almost as old as I am will start at QB as a rookie, so who knows?

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT. 3 THE NFC NORTH

after three quarters of Cowboys-Raiders we wished we could be whatever this is

Oh man guys, we were having practice the other day (yes we do practice for this, we don’t just fall out of bed making terrible puns about player names and wondering why refs move their arms in certain ways, WE ARE TRUE CRAFTSMEN) while watching first Monday Night Football broadcast of the game between the Cowboys and the Raiders and let me tell you, IT WAS TERRIBLE. I mean, not us, we were awesome and beautiful as always, midseason form, really really on top of the music transitions and the other part where we talk, but OH JEEZ THE FOOTBALL STANK. Maybe they should not show preseason games, I know people  want to see how the player prepare for the season (Carson Palmer had his “I just threw a crappy interception” (which begs the question how does one throw a great interception) face totally ready for week one and Tony Romo seemed already very adept at picking himself up off the turf) but holy moly look at the “highlights“, AND WE WATCHED THIS TURKEY AS IT HAPPENED. THIS IS THE WORK WE DO FOR YOU PEOPLE SO YOU, well I don’t know what you should do, listen when we start the real season I guess? ANYWAY, here are the previews for the NFC North:

why is the lion eating chocolate?

 Green Bay Packers

2011 IN REVIEW- They were the defending champs, they won a lot of games, they got beat in the playoffs, we saw this commercial A LOT

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Nobody? Really? Well here is a funny story about the Packers and Michelle Beadle from last year around this time.

2012 OUTLOOK- They will be good, Clay Matthews will not cut his hair and somebody will pull it.

Chicago Bears

2011 IN REVIEW- Jay Culter got hurt again but this time people didn’t worry about how tough he was but we got to see what a Caleb Hannie looked like again (not really like an NFL player is what we found out). They finished 8-8.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Second year line backer JT Thomas (MUGSHOT, not available but click that link to hear the crazy story of former Bears WR Sam Hurd)

2012 OUTLOOK- If Cutler doesn’t get hurt things look good if not all of Chicago will join him in having this face

Detroit Lions

2011 IN REVIEW- They were good, they were less good, they had a rough Thanksgiving, Calvin Johnson Megatroned all over the place

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Too many to mention

2012 OUTLOOK- They will be as good as Matthew Stafford lets them be, somebody else will get arrested (I hope it’s 42 year old kicker Jason Hanson who goes down for regicide).

Minnesota Vikings

2011 IN REVIEW- They were okay and then Adrian Peterson went down and everybody got bummed out.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- The aforementioned AP (MUGSHOT, very gleeful)

2012 OUTLOOK- I can guarantee that tehy will still wear purple and I really hope that Prince comes to some games but other than that I don’t really care.

 

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT. 2 THE AFC WEST

watching preseason football

 

THIS IS IT GUYS! THE SEASON STARTS THIS WEEK! MAJOR NETWORKS WILL BE SHOWING FOOTBALL! WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? These games don’t count? The starters are only going to play the first quarter (if you’re lucky)? We’ll spend most of the game wondring who guys like this are? I totally feel like this. WHATEVER I’LL JUST KEEP WATCHING THE OLYMPICS

(Special FOOTBALLZ Olympic parenthetical, try as I might I cannot rock the copper box for Team Handball nor really get with Men’s Field Hockey but man, Water Polo rules.  If we had more prep I would have happily scrapped this whole thing to do OLYMPIC WATER POLOBALLZ, it is awesome and not just because of the boobs. Special shoutouts to my two favorite indoor volleyballers, the talent-outstrips-the-name Destinee Hooker and this dude’s hair. PS SCARY RUSSIAN SYNCHRO SWIMMING TO GOBLIN)

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CONFERENCE PREVIEWS, THIS WEEK THE AFC WEST!

support your favorite team by buying these items that we cannot identify

Denver Broncos

2011 IN REVIEW- This dude was infuriating, then made me very happy, then was squished.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star defensive end Elvis Dumervil (MUGSHOT unconcerned)

2012 OUTLOOK- Trading one annoying quarterback for another with more talent will get them more wins and therefore make them more annoying.

Kansas City Chiefs

2011 IN REVIEW- Lots of dudes got injured, their coach who nobody liked was a dick who got fired, it was a bad season.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- A dude named Donald Washington (MUGSHOT, this is actually former Chief Tamarick Vanover)

2012 OUTLOOK- Injured dudes not being injured should help as the return of Romeo Crennel’s reading glasses will hopefully buy(focal) (ugh) them a few more wins.

Oakland Raiders

2011 IN REVIEW- Franchise patriarch Al Davis died but it didn’t stop them from making a very Al Davis like trade for Carson Palmer and not making the playoffs.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Almost complete bust wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey (MUGSHOT, google image search gave me nothing)

2012 OUTLOOK- I actually have no idea, they will either be better or worse or exactly the same (without the Al Davis dying part).

San Diego Chargers

2011 IN REVIEW- Pretty much the same as every year, they were talented but didn’t win and Norv Turner did not get fired. At least last year they didn’t make the playoffs.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- NOBODY? Jeez (at least a former player got busted by the FBI)

2012 OUTLOOK- I hope not to find out, hopefully they’ll wear these jerseys the whole season so they can look good while they under-achieve.

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT 1. THE NFC WEST

this season is going to be like this cake, major, slightly impressive, and disgusting

Oh, hello, didn’t see you there, we were just baking this football shaped cake to get ready for the season. Baking really chills us out and people tell us how great our cupcakes are allllllll the time. We were thinking about opening up our own shop and hanging up this FOOTBALLZ thing and going in on the baking full time, opening a little shop someplace, getting up early to bake, doing it real monk style you know? There is just something about working with your hands to create something, everything is sooooooo digital these days, when you have to take time to really make something it just feels better. In fact you should just leave this site and go to our baking site www.thecutestcupcak-ALKHDFSKAHSDKFHA, NO! JUST KIDDING! There is no way we’d ever turn into some flour covered Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance/Shop Class in Soul Craft ninnies, not with a fresh season of football to watch while our physical bodies slowly melt away into our couchwives every Sunday/Monday Night/occasional Thursday evening/all of Thanksgiving/and I guess a Wednesday? Geez NFL maybe layoff the product dilution a little bit. FOR REAL THOUGH, FOOTBALLZ is back (at least in writing form until the season starts then we’ll make with the blah blah all over your ears)!

nope

This year will be bigger and better, we’ll have more content here on the website for looking at when we are not talking, more guests on the live show, probably a live event or two, and a special project that we are not sure we will actually be able to pull off so we won’t mention it. TO THAT END WE ARE DOING SEASON PREVIEWS THE FIRST OF WHICH IS BELOW. We feel like you guys need some background before this season so we’re giving you the skinny (which is a gross phrase) on all of the divisions (you see the NFL is divided up into conferences the AFC, American Football Conference, and the NFC, the National Football Conference, and each conference is divided into divisions (doy). Each conference has a West, North, South, and East division. Here is a chart that doesn’t have any names so you can feel free to make them up and send your lists to us). We start with the perennially mocked NFC WEST. We start with the division champs.

somebody is going home with this gross towel at the end of the season

San Francisco 49ers

2011 IN REVIEW- Their coach was kind of a jerk about handshakes, they surprisingly won a lot of games, their star tight end was so happy he cried, and they were a couple of plays away from going to the super bowl.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star defensive end Aldon Smith (MUGSHOT– for sure bummed)

2012 OUTLOOK- Experts are saying they are going to regress and EVERYBODY IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

Arizona Cardinals

2011 IN REVIEW- They thought they found their quarterback, they didn’t, they lost more than they won.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Dude I’ve never heard of Ronald Talley (MUGSHOT– not the actual Ronald Talley)

2012 OUTLOOK- Their coach makes this face a lot this season

St. Louis Rams

2011 IN REVIEW- They lost, a lot

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Defensive end Robert Quinn (MUGSHOT– ooooh, very pensive)

2012 OUTLOOK- Things are a little chaotic over there since their potential defensive co-ordinator got into some hot water. New head coach Jeff Fischer will mustache and mullet his way to a few more wins.

Seattle Seahawks

2011 IN REVIEW- Skittles, so many Skittles.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star running back Marshawn Lynch (MUGSHOT– super fucking pissed)

2102 OUTLOOK- Pete Carroll will talk a lot kind of weirdly, Richard Sherman will say my brother a lot