Monthly Archives: November 2011

4th Quarter Poll for week 12: Giants vs. Saints

WEEK 10! Saints v. Giants!

it was either this or the movie poster for that dumb Val Kilmer vehicle

vs.

Yes this is called a flesh giant and yes it is from world of warcraft but at least I had to look that up

FART CATS,

You know that we love football, we mock it incessantly but as in grade school you only make fun of the ones you like the most. Why else would we submit ourselves to 12-7 Jacksonville/Baltimore epics and multiple viewings of the Kansas City Chiefs? We would we ignore our loved ones pleas to go apple picking every Sunday in the fall so we can catch the end of a Browns/Bengals game? Pro football is a rare and limited resource, as we often say, so we must accept the garbage along with the greatness which makes this game tonight so exciting, BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE THE GREATNESS. You see, we have the rare treat of watching two possible playoff teams in a game that will have severe ramifications on both’s seasons. The New Orleans Saints and The New York Giants are two of football’s(z) best, this is why we sit through the Matt Moores (moops) and the Curtis Painters and multiple exposures to Blaine Gabbert, DUDES AT THE TOP OF THEIR GAME PLAYING TO KEEP THEIR POST SEASON DREAMS ALIVE (a side note do you think these guys dream about the playoff? I mean I dream about work sometimes and granted my job is not as high pressured as these dudes but even with that most of my dreams that take place at work are about sex or horrible things happening and I can’t see how the playoffs would be involved in either and if they are I WOULD NOT WANT TO KEEP THOSE DREAMS ALIVE, I WOULD WANT TO KILL THEM WITH MY BARE HANDS, or maybe a bat).

Annnnnyyyyyywaaaayyy, the Saints are beloved and with good reason, they all seem like pretty cool dudes, New Orleans is a great town still, they won a title and everybody (except this guy) was super happy for them. They even make a cameo in one of my favorite moments last season (Saints fans should not watch this video), basically they are the only NFL team I have nothing bad to say about. This season is a bit of a mixed bag, their defense is not aging well and their coach had this happen but Drew Brees is still working his magic birthmark and Darren Sproles has been a great replacement for Reggie Bush. The Saints are an entertaining group of nice people who play very awesome football to watch, I’m sure we’ll find something terrible to say about them eventually

The Giants, to me, are kind of like the anti-Saints, their quarterback is a soft faced ninny and their coach is a blustering bully. They have few players who I find to be compelling though they have an excellent defensive line (including the well according to Mac well posteriored Justin Tuck, proprietor (in our imaginations) of Justin Tuck’s Butt Tux Hut, your home for all your ass related formal wear needs) and Hakeem Nicks can catch just about anything (which is why he wears one of those surgical masks all the time). They also play in New York so we’d hear about them even if they were bad so I guess it is better that they’re good this year but if they end up in the Super Bowl against, let’s say, Pittsburgh I’ll be in kitchen eating snacks the whole time. BUT TONIGHT THESE TWO POSSIBLE DIVISION LEADERS FACE OFF! AN EPIC BATTLE BETWEEN TWO TEAMS THAT HAVE SOMETHING TO PLAY FOR! AND WE WILL BE THERE! NAD BY THERE WE MEAN IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION! A NOT SO FANCY ONE AT THAT (SORRY MAC)! DOES SOMEONE WANT TO GET US A FANCY TV? DON’T FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO BUT IT WOULD MAKE THE BROADCAST BETTER! PROBABLY! WHO KNOWS REALLY! BUT TONIGHT WE WILL ALL BE THERE IN FRONT OF OUR VARIOUS TELEVISIONS OF VARIOUS QUALITIES TO WATCH WHAT SHOULD BE AN AWESOME GAME! BUT ITS IMPORTANCE WILL NOT STOP US FROM SPEWING OUR SPECIAL BRAND OF “HUMOR”! SO CHECK IT OUT! 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

 

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

4th Quarter Poll for Chiefs vs. Patriots

Week 9 (I think)! Pats vs. Chiefs

s

this reference may be a little dated

vs.

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this reference should be dated by now

FOOTBALL FARTS!

Pals, jerks, skeezoids, this week was supposed to mean a lot when the schedule makers (who I always picture like this but are probably more like this) were dreaming it up in the NFL’s schedule maker’s dreamatorium. It was supposed to have some meaning, the Chiefs were a surprise team last year with an up and coming defense and a decent offense led by former Patriot (who’s career was due to to the Chiefs hobbling of Tom Brady all those years ago) and you know how much Bill Belichick loves to hold grudges. Unfortunately last year’s Chiefs were a bit of a mirage who’s lack of success has only been compounded by a boatload (and I don’t mean this boat, I mean THIS BOAT) of injuries including last week’s to quarterback Matt Cassel. This game looks to be a bit of a slaughter but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk some serious garbage about both teams anyway, right gang? LET’S GET TO THE GARBAGE.

Lots of changes for the Patriots since we last saw them alllllllllllllll the way back in week one, they ended the Albert Hayensworth experiment (which, with a title like that, should have been more exciting, like couldn’t he be sent back in time of into space or cloned or something? WE NEED BETTER PUBLIC EXPERIMENTS), lost two in a row for the first time, and had Tom Brady cut his hair. Them seem like the same old death by a thousand papercuts pass game that had to drop 30 points on someone to make up for their lackluster defense outside of these changes though. Bill Belichick still helms the team when he isn’t requesting that 11 guys (and their back-ups? Plus their coaches?) felate him. How they were all going to do it is still a mystery, did he want them to try all at once or take turns? Only NFL slash fiction forums know for sure. All right Bill, I’ll shut the fuck up.

Now onto the Chiefs and all their injuries. There was this and then this but for our purposes, let’s talk about this (the Cassel injury, not the video work of MrRUBtheBUDDHA, who’s youtube name probably misleads a lot of people) and what that means for us or TYLER PALKO. Now our good friend/NFL columnist/Starwood Rewards Member Peter King says that he’s a heck of a story to which I reply IT IS a heck of a story IF you are writing a novel about the depressing life of a career mediocre athlete (maybe by a Don Delillo? Or one of the Jonathans?). All I can say is he is a person and this is his face and that face will probably be smashed tonight. YES TONIGHT! FACES WILL BE SMASHED! PEOPLE WILL BE WEARING RED HELMETS! ALSO SILVER ONES! OR MAYBE WHITE! BUT WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT ALL! ALL OF US! TOGETHER! LIEK FRIENDS! OR PEOPLE WHO ARE FORCED TO TALK ABOUT THINGS! LIKE PRISONERS! OR PEOPLE IN A SELF HELP GROUP! BUT IN THE END ARE WE NOT ALL PRISONERS OF OUR OWN DESIRES! SO GIVE IN TONIGHT TO YOUR DESIRE TO HEAR US SAY DUMB THINGS! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

4th Quarter poll for Vikings vs. Packers

WEEK we lost count! Packers vs. Vikings

Why yes this image does come from a blog called Modern Viking Monthly

vs.

look at us making a New Yorker reference and everything, sorry the update took so long we were making sure our butler ironed our cravats properly

WEEEEE’RRRREEEE BAAAAAAAACCKKKKKK

Did you miss us? DID YOU REALLY? We’ll know if you’re lying. Where were we the last two weeks you might ask? Were we resting as our pec implants settled? Were we with our secret family in the Netherlands, making fun of soccer in Dutch? Ooooooooooor were we held captive in the floating NFL/ESPN cloud shaped headquarters that floats above New York and mercilessly interrogated by Stuart Scott’s sentient cybernetic eye? WE REALLY DON’T REMEMBER, TALK TO THESE DUDES. AAAAAAAAAaaannnnnnnyyyyywaaaaayyyyyy, we’re back from our sabbatical and break’s over.

So, tonight, ah, yes, um, The Packers (undefeated and very very good) and The Vikings (defeated and goodness questionable) will play a football game. The Packers, as said parenthetically but let me make it official, are very very good, the won the entire super bowl last year and haven’t lost a game since last December. They have a quarterback that stars in my favorite commercial of the season (I think it has to do with seeing that commercial in sports bars with the sound off so many times that made me love it so, maybe it is the perfect mildly erotic synchronization of the man and woman doing the “I Want the Belt” motion, maybe I have lost my mind? STUART SCOTT’S SENTIENT CYBERNETIC EYE, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?!), our favorite rapping baby at wide receiver (look, we’ll stop making the joke when that video stops being amazing, my only question is WHY ONLY ONE CUT AWAY TO A PRINCE REACTION?), the best hair at the linebacker position the game has ever seen (although jeez, dudes, your faces are advertisements for football helmets), and a host of other great players that make them the biggest threat to repeat as champs for some time. They score a lot of points so we can look forward to that.

Speaking of Prince, you should know he is a big Vikings fan, he goes to games, wrote an amazing song for them a couple of years ago, and has suited up as punter at training camp twice (just kidding). When we finally run Monday Night Football whenever the game is in Minny and he’s in attendance there will be a Prince-cam that online viewers can watch the whole game (and he’ll do the opening theme and perform at halftime of every game and we’ll totally hang out after the game and be best friends and he’ll come to my birthday party even though he is Jehovah’s and doesn’t do that kind of stuff and we’ll even play basketball), be prepared for us to plead with ESPN for this cam tonight. Hopefully he shows up tonight, because this Vikings team is not good. Adrian Peterson is amazing but the rookie quarterback Christian Ponder is probably going to take a year to figure out how to play in the league, so sorry very nice people of the Twin Cities region, I guess you’ll just have to console yourself by looking from Prince at your amazing arts center for another year at least. BUT TONIGHT YOU CAN LISTEN TO US MAKE SO SO SO MUCH FUN OF YOUR TEAM! BUT ALSO THE OTHER TEAM! BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE DO! STUART SCOTT’S SENTIENT CYBERNETIC EYE BE DAMNED! OTHE PEOPLE NOT FROM THE TWIN CITIES, YOU CAN LISTEN TOOOOOOOOO! 8:30PM EASTERN! RETURN TO OUR BEAUTIFUL WEBSITE! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG! DO IT!

TD’s .gif of the year/forever

heaven in gif form