Monthly Archives: October 2011

Week Seven! Ravens Vs. Jags

this game will not be so

vs.

well now I wish TV shows played each other instead of football players

HELLO! (I’m Shelly Duval)

Oh my, this week we have what should be a bit of a snooze (have you looked at the MNF schedule this year, “should be a bit of a snooze” should replace “are you ready for some football” as the catch-phrase) as we travel for the first of two (yes TWO) games this season in Jacksonville (my question, does Tirico have a lady stashed down there or something? Maybe let’s him put on the cazals to feel young and virile again or something) to watch the Baltimore Ravens (I guess? I feel like people should just say play, I know it sounds kind of pansy-ish but the battle thing is like ugh) battle the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Ravens this year look good, the Jaguars (heretofore referred to as Jags, mostly because is makes me giggle) look bad, so maybe this will be a blowout but maybe, just maybe, our day will be saved by a man named Blaine.

we believe in you too

Yes, Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, (our actual Blaine falls somewhere between one and three I think) is the rookie quarterback who is not really setting anything on fire (except for the Jag’s chances at the playoff in the very wide open AFC south) for the Jacksonville eleven. BUT GUYS HE’S NAMED BLAINE, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THERE WAS A SPORTS PERSON NAMED BLAINE? Sure the National Sports Center that everybody knows about all the time not just because they googled “Blaine Sports” just now, is in Blaine MN but that doesn’t count, this is a living breathing Blaine (who I hoped was the illegitimate child of Molly Ringwald, though she probably calls him Ducky in letters) who walks the football field and that is awesome. He may be good and he may be bad but he’ll always be Blaine, and we’ll take that. Also Maurice Jones Drew is still awesome.

 

you cannot stop us from showing and linking to this image

The Ravens have been so good at defense over the years that it is as boring as their all black uniforms (now if they did the Haka before the game that would make the uniforms a bit better. Ray Lewis would most likely love it but it would probably end up more like this, which was GROSS) but they also have a weird quarterback and an awesome running back. Joe Flacco, Delaware pronounced Fla-coo, has an amazing unibrow and Ray Rice is awesome. SO THESE TEAMS ARE LIKE OFFENSIVE MIRRORS! EXCEPT ONE MIRROR HAS A LOT OF WATER DAMAGE BUT NEEDS SOME WORK! IT SURE DOES LOOK INTERESTING THOUGH! AND FOR THE PRICE! I MEAN JEEZ IT IS A STEAL! NEW MIRRORS ARE MAD EXPENSIVE! ANYWAY, WE KIND OF MAILED THIS ONE IN! WE KNOW! IT’S BECAUSE AFTER THIS BROADCAST WE ARE TAKING A TWO WEEK HIATUS TO DO ANOTHER THING! DON’T WORRY THOUGH! WE’LL BE BACK TO POISON YOUR BRAINS WITH MUSIC AND TALK AND SWEAR WORDS IN NOVEMBER! BUT TONIGHT! LISTEN FOR THE LAST TIME BEFORE YOU HAVE TO START THINKING ABOUT WHAT SEXY COSTUME YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR! I SAY SEXY GARBAGE CAN! 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

4th Quarter Poll for Week 6!

WEEK SIX! JETS VS. DOLPHINS!

 

this would be so much awesomer

vs.

from the photo series "Producer Ken's Tattoos"

 

BUTT DANCE!

Yes we butt dance this week, butt dance with joy for another week of glorious football (sorry basketball fans, we will hide our butt dance from your faces so as not to gloat over the NFL’s ability to get its labor shit together). But our butt dance this week is tempered, tempered with what you ask? THIS WEEK WE TEMPER OUR BUTT DANCE WITH RIGHTEOUS ANGER, DAMN YOU NFL SCHEDULERS AND ESPN MAKING US DO THIS. You see this week’s game stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnkkkkkkkkkkssssss and not even in an interesting way. Tonight we watch the Miami Dolphins (legit terrible) and the New York Jets (who everyone outside on the Tri-State Area knows are terrible) and unlike past (last week) and future terrible (hello multiple appearances from the Kansas City Chiefs) games WE HAVE SEEN THESE TEAMS A MILLION TIMES AND ARE SO VERY VERY TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT THEM, but since we have locked ourselves into doing this thing every week we’ll give it a shot anyway (and by locked in I mean our desire to hear our own voices broadcast out into the ether cannot be quenched).

SO LETS TALK ABOUT THE JETS, blah blah blah this dude (“hey my game has more holes than that sweater”) blah blah snack blah blah blah feet. I THINK WE GET IT, but wait there is something outside of this overhyped snooze of a team to talk about. You see a couple of weeks ago we did perhaps our most joyous butt dance of all time when poster boy for an increase in the estate tax, Hank Williams Jr., was finally removed from the intro to Monday Night Football. We wondered, on and off the air, what ESPN would to replace the most horrifying one and half minutes of our weeks (a blank screen mourning the loss of intellect inflected on the american people by the intro’s presence for all of those years would have sufficed for me) and were totally cool when they decided to let a local legend from the home town team of that night’s game handle it. Last week was Barry Sanders, totally awesome choice for Detroit and it seemed like it would be cool to try to guess who they would pick every week to represent the home team. This week’s game will be in New York (actually Jersey) so who would they pick? The obvious is always Joe Namath, but he has proven to be a bit of a, ahem, wild card over the years. Given all the famous people from the greatest city in the world, you’d think they could come up with a heavyweight start the show (No Chris Christie-o), but who do we get? FUCKING FIREMAN ED. agjasdnfounqsaunvunfdsaudncnafvnasdvocnaiosvnciocnsd, this dude is the WORST. Its cool, you invented a chant, you really like the Jets, and you obviously have little else going on but jeez, you don’t have to be such a dick about everything. THANKS ESPN FOR RUINING THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BROADCAST IN YEARS CAN’T WAIT TILL THIS DUDE INTROS NEXT WEEK’S RAVENS/JAGUARS GAME.

Ah, now onto the Dolphins, who stink, they really really stink, and after losing their maybe pretty stinky quarterback for the rest of the season they look to somehow stink more (perhaps that’s why they signed a dude named Sage, ugh so so so so sorry for that one). Who will save us with something to talk about other than the kind of stink lines that should be coming off of this team? Will it be their coach Mr. Cool Guy Sunglasses? Or perhaps their possibly undead minority share owner? If you guessed their bi-polar wide receiver YOU WOULD BE CORRECT. It appears that Brandon Marshall wants to fight and get ejected from this game and I say GO FOR IT DUDE! TONIGHT OUR EYES WILL BE ONE YOUR FISTS! LET THEM FLY BUDDY! LET THEM FLY FREE SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT! WE PROMISE TO RESPECT YOUR VERY BRAVE DECISION TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS! AND YOU, READER! LISTEN TONIGHT! AT 8:30 PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! BUTT DANCES FOR EVERYONE!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

Week 5 4th Quarter Poll

WEEK FIVE- LIONS VS. BEARS

maybe

vs.

certainly

BLARGH!,

Oh the excitement continues this week with another formal resident of prime time milk cartons, THE DETROIT LIONS, and the never quite that good CHICAGO BEARS.  We here at FOOTBALLZ had a big weekend so this preview will be both late and brief. The Lions are a part of the renaissance that is taking place in Detroit, first everybody went bonkers over these photos, then there was the commercial, and now sports are good again (or in the case of the going to be bad for a little while Pistons, just not playing ). Led on defense by Ndamukong Suh and on offense by the possessor of the best nickname/wide receiving skills in the league, Calvin “Megatron” Johnson, the only thing holding them back could be the possibility that their number one draft pick quarterback Matthew Stafford might actually not be very good (which is a real possibility).

sorry Herman Cain, Calvin for pres

The Bears are stuck in the unfortunate middle class of the NFL, the have some enough players (Matt Forte, Devin Hester) to be always be competitive but the really scare no one. They have a decent quarterback who we learned over the summer is tough but seems like a jerk because he’s actually kind of a jerk. Their Super Bowl longings will go for naught year after year till they rip it up and start again, that being said they could win tonight. YES TONIGHT! WE RETURN TO TALK EVEN IF ONE OF US WAS UP SUPER LATE WATCHING A 24 HOUR ART PIECE! YES THAT IS BOTH BRAGGING AND AN EXCUSE! HAHAHAHAHA! COVERING OUR BUTTS WHILE SHOWING OFF OUR BRAINS! THIS ONE WILL PROBABLY BE THE LAST “GOOD” GAME FOR A FEW WEEKS! LISTEN! ENJOY! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!
Thanks,
The Footballz Team

 

ESPN Statement on Hank Williams Jr.

“We have decided to part ways with Hank Williams, Jr. We appreciate his contributions over the past years.  The success of Monday Night Football has always been about the games and that will continue.”

YES YES, A THOUSAND TIMES, YES

THE SUN SHINES BRIGHTER TODAY MY FRIEND, A NEW LIGHT SHINES ON ALL OF CREATION, A DARKNESS HAS BEEN VANQUISHED, THE GREAT FLAMING EYE LIKE IN THAT ONE MOVIE HAS FINALLY CLOSED AND CEASED ITS EVIL GAZE. WE WILL ALL WALK A LITTLE BIT TALLER, LAUGH A LITTLE BUT LOUDER, DANCE A LITTLE BIT LIKE NO ONE IS LOOKINGERER.
proof

WEEK FOUR! COLTS V. BUCS

currently best sellers for colts fans

 vs.

the worst photobooth at the worst party

HOLY SMOKES GUYS ARE WE EXCITED,

You see as a group of dudes that have watched every Monday Night Football game for the last so many years we have become desensitized somewhat. Endless permutations of AFC and NFC East teams with a healthy sprinkling of the Colts/Packers/Steelers/Saints have left us with less and less to say. It can be draining to work up a lot of emotion for two teams you kind of don’t even really like and who’s game you kind of predict (like last week, we knew that there would be lots of shots of Jerry Jones and Mike Shanahan, unfortunately neither of them would be these, and that the despite all of his mistakes Tony Romo would be slurped afterwards), so I must say we really relish the match-up this week.

us excited (circa 2009)

“BUT BUT WHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU? YOU GUYS JUST MENTIONED HOW YOU SEE THE COLTS ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU WERE BITCHING LIKE LITTLE BABY PEOPLE IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH.” you are probably saying right now (and if you are you should not talk so much to your computer, the growing reliance on electronic formes of communication has led to real loss of decorum in the real world, you should go write a letter (haha just kidding, your computer is your best friend and we all know it you want to marry it in international waters where that kind of thing is totally legal and that is totally fine, just live your life and try to be happy in this dark dark world)) but these are not any old Colts, these Colts really really stink. You see as you may or may not know, their glorious leader Peyton Manning in out after a  somewhat gross sounding neck surgery (one-level cervical neck fusion, also the name of my experimental jazz band, JAZZ JOKE) and not matter how many European stem cells or future obese people tears are shed he won’t be back any time soon and in his place there are these dudes.

currently weeping tears, will weep gravy in the future

Now we will admit that much of this joy is schadenfreude (tune in to listen to TD spend twenty minutes trying to pronounce this word, a running FOOTBALLZ tradition) as the Colts have been annoyingly good under old weirdy face and it is always nice to see excellence ruined but we also are super excited because his absence opens up a world of possibilities. What would the Colts be like without Manning? What if Curtis Painter is good? Would Jim Sorgi cry with happiness?  WE DON’T KNOW ANY OF THIS STUFF AND THAT IS FANTASTIC. I mean, we are excited even though we hate Painters.

these are the uniforms you WILL NOT be seeing which is a bummer

On the other side of the ball we have the still not wearing the uniforms that I think they should (how could they leave that jaunty pirate behind? how could they not get in on the bro-step marketing demo with that bright orange?) Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The up and coming Bucs are exciting for a different reason, they look like they are good but we don’t know how good they are OR how they are good (PUZZLE ON THAT ONE). They have a good young quarterback in Bill Simmons binky Josh Freeman and being redeemed punchologist LeGarratte Blount at running back as well as some talent along the defensive line but this will be their first chance to impress in a nationally televised game SO THERE IS THAT. THIS WILL BE EXCITING! THERE WILL BE EXCITEMENT IN OUR VOICES (at least at the start, probably by the fourth quarter we’ll get all weird and punchy like normal)! EXPECT MORE PANTS TALK! TUNE IN TO SEE IF ANYTHING CAN BEAT BALL BAG IN OUR FOURTH QUARTER POLL! TONIGHT AT 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!
Thanks,
The Footballz Team