Monthly Archives: September 2011

WEEK THREE! BOYS VS. SKINS!

(ACTUALLY ITALIAN BUT EVERYBODY WOULD GET ANGRY IF THEY WERE CALLED THE WASHINGTON ITALIANS)

VS.

WE ARE THE ADBUSTERS OF SPORTS

WELCOME BACK,

ARRGHGHGHGHGHG, if you like FOOTBALLZ you know that we are forced every year to watch (at least one) NFC East match-up and every year we bitch about it and this year is no different, so we will keep it kind of short. WHY DO WE HAVE TO WATCH THESE TEAMS? ARE INTRINSICALLY BETTER OR MORE INTERESTING THEN THE 30 OTHER TEAMS? IN FACT NEITHER OF THESE TEAMS HAVE BEEN RELEVANT SUPER BOWL CONTENDERS FOR YEARS. WHY WHY WHY MUST WE HIGHLIGHT TWO OF THE MOST OBNOXIOUS OWNERS IN PRO SPORTS? MAYBE WE SHOULD SUE SOMEBODY.

AAAAAANNNNNYYWAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY, this week sees the match-up between The Washington Redskins (our most racist franchise currently and historically) and The Dallas Cowboys (one time employers of someone who did this) and we actually have some new things to talk about with them. The Cowboys one time league leader in smiles, quarterback Tony Romo, has had a lot to frown about this year, having just come off of a win who’s longest play was a pass to the winner of the best slapdick barfest reality show in history and puncturing a lung in the process, people have had things to say about this. We over here think that maybe there should be a different standard for head injuries, WHO’S EFFECTS ARE MURKY AT BEST OTHER THAN A PROCLIVITY FOR LATER IN LIFE SUICIDE, then a punctured lung for which the long term outcome is generally known. Also, maybe let’s cool it on all the hero talk. Listen to us to avoid the endless LUNGCHAT that will occur in the regular ESPN broadcast.

The Redskins are experiencing what we like to call a Rex-issance this year thanks to their new starting quarterback. After jettisoning air guitar enthusiast Donovan Mcnabb after just one year, the ‘Skins have placed their offense in the hands of the one time sex cannon himself, Rex Grossman. Sexy Rexy has lead (or at least not terribled) his team to a 2-0 start and with a win here they could put themselves in the driver’s seat of the NFC East race (which would be funny because they have been in the drivers seat of the most racist mascot in all of sports race forever), AND BOY DON’T WE WANT TO HAVE A TON OF STORIES ABOUT THAT. WHATEVER, TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL(O KITTY SOCKS)! AND BRING YOU THE INANE BLATHERING THAT YOU MOSTLY PUT ON TO BE NICE! INVITE US INTO YOUR HOMES AND WE PROMISE NOT TO STEAL FORKS! WE’D TOTALLY TAKE ONE IF YOU OFFERED THOUGH! WE COULD REALLY USE SOME FORKS! THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO GO MISSING IN OUR HOUSE AND WE ARE FRANKLY SCARED TO FIND OUT WHY! TUNE IN AT WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG! 8:30PM! MUSIC! TALKING! LAUGHTER!

Thanks,
The Footballz Team

The Best Moment From Last Night’s Game

and perhaps in history?

Still hilarious

Week 2 – Giants vs. Rams

rip

vs.

rip (probably)

Hello!

Ah week two, when the season is still fresh, hopes abound, and nobody knows anything yet but because they are paid to many people act like they do. We, of course, love this, we make no claim to powers of prognostication or expertise (except for this, the Colts are bad and we may be poor sports for saying so but if someone started a tumblr of screenshots from yesterday’s game of sad Colts fans, whose faces were AMAZING, we would subscribe in an instant. We’ll even give you the title for free, atleastyoustillhaveallthoseconventions.tumblr.com) but only to love and loathe the game of football and this week (as in all weeks) that loveage and loatheage is in full effect (or if you prefer, and I think you do, FULL FORCE).

this is obviously what you prefer

This week we see a couple of teams who are deep in the pool of the possible (unlike the aforementioned Colts and perhaps the Chiefs and Seahawks who are drowning in the pool of the impossible and yes it is kind of like being stuck with these guys playing a live acoustic show in your bedroom that you are unable to leave that lasts 18 weeks), The Giants and The Rams are pretty much unknown quantities at this point but we have e-pages to fill (sorry e-trees) so let’s talk about them anyway.

The Giants are four years removed from this (no clicky, Pats fans) and it has not been a kind four years. Three disappointing seasons have seen their “franchise” quarterback regress and continued their ritual of annually calling for their demon-faced punter hating head coach’s firing. This season started with high hopes as per usual but has seen the team ravaged by injuries in the pre-season, some say they were cursed but I blame their gross grey pants (is it the matte finish? this question has plagued me for years if you have an answer please email weirdpantsproblem@anglefire.com). AAAAAAAnnnnyway, yes there will be lots of jokes at the expense of Eli, don’t worry.

for real, these gross me out big time

Their opponents, the St. Louis Rams, haven’t been on Monday Night Football for five years so that is exciting. Luckily for us their uniforms do not make us nauseous and hey, they might actually be good this year. There are many things to like about the Rams but mostly we’re just excited not to watch another game between teams in the AFC/NFC Easts. You are probably expecting more information than that but hey it’s lunch time IM IN A TERRIBLE MOOD, so deal. BUT TONIGHT! I EXPECT TO BE IN A BETTER MOOD! BUT EVEN IF I’M NOT PEOPLE HAVE TOLD I CAN BE VERY ENTERTAINING WHEN CRABBY! BACK TO OUR REGULAR TIME! 8:30PM EASTERN! LISTEN LIVE! ENJIY MUSIC! FOOOOOTTTTTBBBBAAAALLLLZZZZZIUH[GFDSHGAFKDHGFSLKDKGFLDLKL/SKLKLNN!

Thanks,
The Footballz Team

Not to Pile on the Cowboys…

But everyone knows you end your amateur shirtless fight song with a stately bow rather than a shoulder slap

via the always awesome Videogum

Tom Landry Was Great Till He Found God


At least that’s how things appear in this comic unearthed by friend to Footballz Jef Czekaj in which his life (depicted in a pretty crappy 60s Marvel house style) is pretty awesome till he attends a bible meeting. His youth is filled with victory after victory until, I guess because he was sick of being rad, he joins his pal for a bible study meeting and then subsequently becomes the coach of an underachieving Dallas Cowboys team that loses a ton of big games. If I were Dallas I’d leave my prosthelytizing to the chicks.

Set List for Week One

Is over at the set list tab or clickable here.

Relive the glory and actually listen to entirety of all the songs rather than just the first two minutes or so, WITH NOTES!

Shit we missed because we were talking

Sometimes, when the sound is down you miss some awesome cursing.

FOOTBALLZ WEEK ONE! SO MANY CHANGES SO MANY THE SAMESES! ANOTHER YEAR OF THE BEST (worst) IN ALTERNATIVE PLAY-BY-PLAY!

Hello NERDS,

WELCOME BACK to another year of FOOTBALLZ, your one and only live streaming alternative play-by-play to Monday Night Football. Oh yes, we have returned and in case you forgot this is how we do it, our two hosts provide a comedic style alternative broadcast to your regular monday night football games with musical accompaniment during the commercial breaks. It has been a long long offseason fraught with a labor stoppage, endless bickering, and really really really boring blog posts. While we probably could have pulled off LABORLAWBALLZ (with special guests) I think we all agree that we are better off. It also made the offseason sneak up on us like a little Ellen hiding in our brain bathrooms waiting to strike at our Taylor Swift-like sense of relaxation and after the initial shock we rolled around on the floor laughing and hugging because the whole thing was SO AWESOME. For real, it was like a three week full body sneeze on peyote of activity that landed tons of new players on tons of new teams and made every beat writer pen this dumb story, SO MANY DUDES GOT NEW SHIRTS. The two teams for the first game of OUR SEASON stayed pretty much the same (with a couple exceptions) but we will get to that later because we have RELATIVELY BIG NEWS.

We here at FOOTBALLZ hq spent a lot of the offseason (well, like a couple of weeks, not counting the week we were at Burning Man checking out Rony Seikaly’s set) moving to our NEW WEBSITE (boy that virtual moving day was so hard, so glad we got that virtual pizza after). This NEW WEBSITE will not only feature the regular live stream and chat (which should allow swearing and all the emoticons) but will also be updated throughout the week with all sorts of new features: power rankings, weekly music set lists, jokes, blog-like posts, and a host of other bullshit that you will come to love (or loath (or lathe)). PLUS every week, pending TD getting his shit together, there will be a 5-10 minute highlights podcast of the best moments from the previous week’s broadcast, stay tuned to our NEW WEBSITE for more information on this as it becomes available. ALSO, there is a distinct possibility that we’ll be attempting another live show (or a few) this season, we are in talks with on of the city’s many sports establishments about perhaps doing it even once a month, once again check the NEW WEBSITE for details.

BUT NOW ON TO OUR FIRST MATCH UP, between the currently undefeated New England Patriots and the also undefeated Miami Dolphins, though before game’s end one of them will no longer be (undefeated I mean, it would be weird if the team that lost just disappeared, perhaps to play against the norse demons to prevent ragnarok? In that case I hope the Pats lose because I hear those norse demons are great against the run and have a lousy secondary). The Pats made the aforementioned big moves (including cutting the worst pro bowler ever) but remained the pretty much the same and will as long as they employ Tom Brady (who apparently spent the entire lockout suing people, really enjoying carnival, and just walking around with Mos Def, excuse me Yasiin) and Bill Belichick (who really likes fishing). Now the Dolphins on the other hand wanted to make changes but couldn’t, they wanted a new quarterback (or at least their fans did) but couldn’t land him and have another year of Chad Henne (who in addition to being named Chad, might be the worst). In short, Miami looks pretty miserable, but at least their coach can wear sunglasses all the time (I was thinking about making a joke about how I might prefer to take hot grease to my eyes to watching the Miami Dolphins this season but then thought of all the blind people in the world who would give everything to just see a beautiful sunrise once and got really really bummed out so if you thought about making that joke you are an asshole, MORAL JUDGEMENTS RULE). ANYWAY this game will feature a lot of football and that is all we really care about, SO WELCOME BACK DUMMIES AND THANK YOU PLAYERS FOR RISKING YOUR FUTURE MENTAL HEALTH FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT! ALL OF THIS AND MORE TONIGHT AT 7PM (eastern)! TUNE IN AT WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Thanks,
The Footballz Team