Category Archives: weekly preview

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 15! THE PENULTIMATE FOOTBALLZ! BEARS V. SAINTS!

After a long and tumultuous  season, the Bears are looking to see who will fill the face holes on their costumes next season.

After a long and tumultuous year the Bears are looking to see who will fill the face holes on their costumes next season.

vs.

This is St. Rita of Cascia, the patron saint of impossible dreams, you get it, right?

This is St. Rita of Cascia, the patron saint of impossible dreams, you get it, right?

DOOOOOORRRRKKKKSSSS,

The end of FOOTBALLZ in studio season is here! Tonight will be our last broadcast of the year from our palatial studio compound because next week we have our season finale/holiday party at the fantastic Parlor Sports (you guys are all totally invited). We’ll be saying goodbye to our of our studio pals for the year, expect tears when I say my final goodnight to the Alf statue that I took a picture of that one time. ANYWAY, we won’t be all sappy and sentimental since we have a game between two terrible teams to watch and talk about, SO LET’S START THE TALKING PART NOW.

THE CHICAGO BEARS are reassessing things right now, after last season’s encouraging first year under dude who’s hair still mystifies me Marc Trestman, things have, um, regressed? I don’t know what you call a season that has seen the team pretty much go straight in the crapper and had coaches ratting out and then tearfully apologizing for it to players (anytime a player, anonymous or not, describes a scene in the locker room as “one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.” you know you’re dealing with some messed up stuff, these dudes have seen super nasty injuries that I will not link to because I’m not a gross monster who wants you guys to throw up while reading this any more than you already do). It kind of seems like one of those seasons that lead to everybody getting fired afterwards, sorry Trestman, you and your weird hair will always have a spot at Percival Molson Stadium but I don’t think they’ll be honoring you at Soldier Field any time soon (or really ever).

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are the second team from the garbage fire that doesn’t even keep you warm NFC South that we get to watch in a row! hgfsoihsfdiooeconcoewfuewufhu, ugh, the sad part is (one of them at least, there are many sad parts to everything always) the Saints were super fun when they were good. Drew Brees seems like a cool dude and even though that weird chant/huddle thing they do before the games is monumentally stupid, they are very rootable for. People also forget that they were victims of Roger Goodell ineptitude before it was cool and that really screwed them when they were still in Super Bowl form, now it seems like the only form that they take is that of a team that might back into the playoffs with a losing record because their division is so crappy that somebody has to win it. The last time an under .500 team made the playoffs though the Saints had a front row seat (seriously, I will use any excuse to link to that video) so maybe they can draw inspiration from that. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO INSPIRATION? US! BECAUSE TONIGHT! WE RIDE INTO THE INTERNET BREACH ONCE MORE! TO DELIVER OUR SPORTS WISDOM ON YOU! THE GENERAL PUBLIC! OR THE LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO US EVERY WEEK! AND DELIVER WE SHALL FOR ONE LAST TIME THIS SEASON FROM OUR STUDIO! WE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS MATCH UP OF GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE TO THE SAFE SHORES OF HILARITY ON THE BOATS OF OUR MINDS AND MOUTHS! YES! YOU WILL RIDE OUR MOUTH BOATS TONIGHT! OH MAN IS THAT GROSS SOUNDING! PLUS ALSO A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN BRIGADE’S MOLLY LLOYD! WE TALK ABOUT IMPROV! YOU’LL LISTEN AND THINK YES AND I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THESE GUYS TALKING! THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IMPROV JOKE! DON’T WORRY! TONIGHT’S SHOW WILL BE BETTER THAN THAT JOKE! I PROMISE! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ! THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF THE YEAR! GET IT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 14! PACKERS V. FALCONS!

Yes, this is a reference to a character who appeared just a few times on a show that went off the air years ago but you try finding a non-football related packer photo (yes, we have already used a photo of a packing company and George Packer of the New Yorker).

Yes, this is a reference to a character who appeared just a few times on a show that went off the air years ago but you try finding a non-football related packer photo (yes, we have already used a photo of a packing company and George Packer of the New Yorker).

vs.

you can run kid, you can dream of flying while you do,  but you can never escape what appears to be the boring town that you live in.

you can run kid, you can dream of flying while you do, but you can never escape what appears to be the boring town that you live in.

Saddos,

Gotta make this one quick my dawgz, my computer is totally broken and in the shop where a bunch of dudes make you feel bad (I’m I the only one who feels like a jerk whenever I have to go get something fixed? Like somehow I’m the real problem not the device or instrument that is malfunctioning? Like I broke it therefore I’m broken? Ugh, I really need to stop reading that book of Smog lyrics every morning) so I’m on my cohabitant’s computer and don’t want to be a laptop hog (just sit back and let that evocative phrase form a picture in your mind, mmmmmmmmmm, delicious). ANYWAY, the FOOTBALLZ season is nearly at an end so relish these words for soon they will be gone and you will be left bereft of the only joy that you have in the world (I’m pretty sure that I’m talking about you and not me but then again, this) SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE DARN TEAMS.

THE GREEN BAY PACKERS are good, veeeeeery good, like lots of people think they are going to the Super Bowl good and with good reason, they have all world QB and dater of the best part of the Newsroom (if any of you thought that I was talking about Jeff Daniels you should go throw your computer in a river right now because you don’t deserve it. Now, if you thought it was Sam Waterston then you can stay. Also, doesn’t Aaron Rodgers look mildly terrified in that photo?) under center and he has been awesome since he went on the radio and told people to

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. In fact the whole team has been pretty awesome since that moment including our favorite former rapping french baby Jordy Nelson (WE WILL NEVER STOP MAKING THAT REFERENCE) and future dude who stars in the commercials that Troy Polamalu stars in currently, Clay Matthews (the only thing that can prevent him from doing so is his tragic dumbface affliction, seriously that dude looks like he fell face first through a shovel factory). WHATEVER, the Packers are good and this game is in Wisconsin so it will be cold and we’ll have to hear about that all night and they’ll probably win.

THE ATLANTA FALCONS are in the thick of the saddest playoff race in history. They currently sit in first place in the NFC South but they do so with a record of 5-7 (I wish there was a caps lock for numbers because a first place team having two TWO (that’s how you do it) more losses than wins deserves some e-shouting) WHICH IS TERRIBLE. I hope all the teams in their division all lose as much as possible so that we have a team with a terrible record in the playoffs and all the people who get huffy and puffy about these things head’s do this. The Falcons are not all the way terrible, they still have Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan (who still has the worst nickname in professional sports) at QB and Julio “I’m good so I don’t have a nickname” Jones at Wide Receiver, so their offense can at least be entertaining. On defense they do have one of my favorite names in all of man’s recorded history, this dude, but not much else SO THAT IS KIND OF DEPRESSING FOR THEM! MAYBE THEY SHOULD LISTEN TO MORE SMOG? BUT MAYBE ALSO ENOUGH WITH WHITE DUDES TELLING US ALL HOW HARD LIFE IS FOR THEM? EVEN IF THEY DO IT ARTFULLY? YOU KNOW WHO WONT HAVE A HARD TIME? US! TONIGHT! WHEN FOOTBALLZ RETURNS AT FULL STRENGTH! BECAUSE I’LL BE BACK ON THE MIC AND IN STUDIO! READY TO DRIZZLE MY SWEET SWEET WORD JUICE IN YOUR EARS! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! GEEEEEETTTTTTTT READDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY! TO LISTEN! FOOTBALLZ! SAVOR IT WHILE YOU CAN!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 13! JETS V. DOLPHINS!

This dude just looks like he's pooping, right?

This dude just looks like he’s doing some diseased ass pooping, right?

vs.

If you own this coffee table, you are a turd.

If you own this coffee table, you are a turd.

Fellow Observers,

Yo dagwz BAD NEWZ, I’m going to be out of town for this one. I’m going to be in Miami doing some on the scene reporting from the finest sports bars down there taking the temperature of Dolphins fans as they watch their team. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be wearing sunglasses and making quips. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be down there wearing my finest white suit with a pastel t-shirt. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be out being super cool at dinner. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be guest starring on Burn Notice, whatever that is (seriously, there isn’t a video of this? What, did Bruce Campbell’s lawyers get to youtube?). JUST KIDDING, I’ll be meeting my daughter’s future in-laws who are for sure not gay dudes because I’m a conservative senator from from Ohio who has just been embroiled in a scandal and if she were to marry the child of a gay couple it would totally ruin me (R.I.P. Robin and Mike). JUST KIDDING, I’m actually going to be down there hobnobbing with the art world and getting as far away from this game as possible, FOR REAL. Don’t worry though my palz, my mic space will be filled ably by friend of the program Gregg “the Greggulator” Gethard and he will be great! Enjoy the dulcet tones of his Philly by way of New Jersey accent and his multiple wrestling references! Even though I won’t be there I still want to PREVIEW THESE DAMN TEAMS.

For some reason this will be the second time this season we will be watching THE NEW YORK JETS who have crossed over from being funny to just being sad. This time in the Jets season comes every year, that moment where we all stop enjoying how comically bad this team is and we (plus some of the dudes on the team/in the front office) start realizing that their ineptitude will cost human beings their jobs, this is where the Jets become just straight up depressing. The funny ha-has of a quarterback who throws more interceptions than completions just become the bummer of a young dude who is in a bad situation and then becomes the whipping boy of some of the worst sports media in the world. The coach, who at one point was a fun weirdo is now just sadly looking for his next job. The Jets are just straight up a bummer, I’m kind of excited not to be watching them.

THE MIAMI DOLPHINS are not even a bummer at all, they are actually in the playoff race! After last year’s festival of interpersonal garbage, the ‘Fins seem to be on the right track. QB Ryan Tannehill is performing at a rate worthy of his high draft pick a couple of years ago and their defense is tormenting offenses left and right. They should really just ruin the Jets and I am seriously happy not to watch it happen, not because I have a dog in the fight (a metaphor that I realize is kind of gross when referring to a game that might have a Michael Vick sighting) but because after a season of crappy games, I need a night off. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER TAKES A NIGHT OFF? FOOTBALLZ! EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME LAST SEASON WHERE THE HOLIDAYS GOT IN THE WAY! OH AND THAT OTHER TIME WHERE MAC AND I WERE OUT OF TOWN FOR A FEW WEEKS! AND, LIKE, IF WE BOTH GOT SICK OR SOMETHING! I MEAN, WE AREN’T THE DAMN POSTAL SERVICE! NEITHER THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY NOR THE BAND THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND TERRIBLE KEYBOARD BASED INDIE-POP GROUPS! BUT TONIGHT! WE SOLDIER ON! WITH A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM OUR PAL, JOURNALIST ROBERT SILVERMAN! AND A HALFTIME RANT FROM NONE OTHER THAN ME! OH YEAH, I WILL BE JUST STRAIGHT UP TALKING FOR THE ENTIRE THIRTEEN MINUTES OF HALFTIME! LIVE FROM SOMEPLACE IN MIAMI! IT WILL CERTAINLY BE WEIRD! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TALKING FOR THIRTEEN MINUTES STRAIGHT? IT IS TOUGH! BUT I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE! AS FOOTBALLZ ALWAYS IS! SO LISTEN! 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! BECAUSE! SPORPS IS LIFE! AND FOOTBALLZ IS HERE TO BRING IT TO YOU!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 12! RAVENS V. SAINTS!

Suburbia

Suburbia

vs.

wow, these guys look super different outside of their uniforms

wow, these guys look super different when they aren’t in uniform!

Haterz,

WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH DAWGZ. We’ve held the magic eye poster that is the NFL season right up to our nose and then tried to look through it and slowly moved it back away from our face just like the instructions told us and now the secret images are becoming clear. Instead of a dolphin or a planet or whatever else is hidden in that demon art (I have never successfully seen a magic eye hidden image, I am not ashamed of this), the secret picture in this case is THE PLAYOFFS and who is in or out. This week we have two teams who are just on the edges of the poster, like right where the name of the company that makes the poster is printed. A loss tonight could send either one of these squads tumbling towards the poster for teams that aren’t making the playoffs, I can only imagine that poster to be this one, SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE DUDES:

THE BALTIMORE RAVENS are right in the middle of a very tight AFC North race with all four teams essentially tied in the standings. The Ravens’ football playing season has been, um, overshadowed by some other stuff so I haven’t really been paying attention. Also, I rarely pay attention to the Ravens because their uniforms are pretty dumb looking. Purple and black? What a snooze. Anyway, I guess they’re kind of good this year? So far their six wins have come against pretty crappy teams so who knows. They still have Joe Flacco, the greatest Blue Hen there ever was (NOW THAT’S A DAMN UNIFORM) and Steve Smith Sr. (formerly of the Panthers and also formerly just Steve Smith) who is still kind of crazy and awesome and said this before the season and delivered on it, so maybe they are not as boring as their off brand goth uniforms suggest.

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are also in the thick of the playoff hunt, despite their their 4-6 record. BWUBUBWUBWWHAT? You say? How can a sub .500 team still be eyeing the playoffs? Well they play in the NFC South and the NFC South is TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TURRIBLE. The Saints are currently in first place but if they lose tonight they’d fall behind Atlanta for the top spot in the South and Atlanta is freaking awful. I’m totally into it since the last time a there was a sub .500 division winner, I had a pretty great time and I like it when weird things happen that make Peter King angry.  SO GO FOR IT SAINTS! LOSE YOUR WAY INTO THE PLAYOFFS! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR WAY? WELL LISTEN TONIGHT! TO US! AND OUR GOSPEL OF BLAH BLAH! BECAUSE FOOTBALLZ IS BACK! FEATURING AN INTERVIEW AT HALFTIME WITH RUSTUN NICHOLS, BAR MANAGER OF THE WYTHE HOTEL! WE TALK ABOUT IF IT IS POSSIBLE TO DRINK HARD LIQOUR DURING A FOOTBALL GME WITHOUT KILLING YOURSELF! PLUS A CALL FROM SPORPS PERSON AND DUDE FROM NEW ORLEANS CHRIS TREW! ALL OF THAT! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! LISTEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNN (WITHOUT PREJUDICE)!

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 11! TITANS V. STEELERS!

I would rather listen to someone explain Phillip K. Dick's weird crazy religious philosophy for three hours than watch the Titans

I would rather listen to someone explain Phillip K. Dick’s weird crazy religious philosophy for three hours than watch the Titans

vs.

Every time I watch the Steelers I feel like I have some of my soul removed

Every time I watch the Steelers I feel like I have some of my soul removed

BOOOOORRRRIIINNNNGGG,

This game guys, UGH THIS GAME. We’ve had some real stinkers this season, I mean we’ve watched both terrible New York teams lose (the ugly-pantsed Giants on more than one occasion) and after last’s weeks carnival of bummer I kind of wanted to quit watching football forever. This week though, THIS WEEK, we get to watch one good team I actively dislike and one team that is so unbelievably boring that I cannot believe they actually exist. This will be one for the record books (if there are record books for the amount of times I groan audibly), BUT LET’S PREVIEW THESE JERKS ANYWAY!

THE TENNESSEE TITANS committed a crime for which I will never forgive them. Once, when everything was good and nothing hurt, they were the Houston Oilers and they had amazing uniforms, dudes who did amazing dances (it is a damn crime that there is no internet video of Ernest Givins’ electric glide dance on the internet, WHAT ARE WE NOT PAYING YOU FOR FREE CONTENT PROVIDERS?), and once employed this dude. Now they wear terrible uniforms that look like they are for a movie about football where they couldn’t get the rights to use actual teams and are the boringest, though they do still have some great names on the team, I mean look at this. They are super mediocre at best and a crime against sport at worst, I would actively dislike them but they are so boring that sometimes I forget the exist. They are the bowling alley pizza of the NFL, it’s pizza but seriously, YOU SHOULD NOT EAT IT.

THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are playing on television again, greeeeeeaaaaattttttttttttttttt. Man, how many times do we have to watch these dudes? I’m super sick of talking about them so I guess you can go back to week six and read what I had to say last time but instead of all that stuff about how maybe they were bad replace it with how they are less bad now. The Steelers sit 6-4 in the middle of the AFC North playoff “race”, I put race in quotes cause right now it is a race in the way this is a race, somebody will win but it’ll only be because somebody else ran into a pole and everyone will be aghast at the result. So yeah, they’re kind of good now, they score a lot of points and have good players and blah blah blah, they did lose to the Jets last week so I guess anything is possible. I’m sure this game between a team who a regular person cannot name one player for and a team that is maybe kind of good will make for gripping television. BUT THAT’S WHY WE ARE HERE! TO MAKE THE UNGRIPPING GRIPPING! AND WE WILL GRIP ALL OVER YOU! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! FEEL OUR WORD GRIP ON YOUR EARS AS WE THRASH YOU ABOUT WITH HILARITY! AND NOT JUST US! NOOOOOOOOOO! WE’VE GOT A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH JOURNALIST EUGENIA WILLIAMSON! WE TALK ABOUT THE STRUGGLES WITH TECHNOLOGY WHILE I STRUGGLE WITH THE TECHNOLOGY OF MY SLOWLY FAILING COMPUTER! THEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER A CALL FROM YARON WEITZMAN OF TD DAILY! WHICH IS NOT THE WEB COLLABORATION BETWEEN ME AND MY ONE TRUE LOVE EG DAILY! WE’RE TOTALLY STILL LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT URL FOR THAT! SO IF THERE ARE ANY MARKETING DUDES LISTENING TONIGHT SEND ALONG SUGGESTIONS! OR JUST LISTEN! BE FOOTBALLZ IS BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 8! COWBOYS V. _______________!

this kid is super cool

this kid is super cool

vs.

yes, this again

yes, this again

Godzillas,

Whew, we made it. The day of football that started at 9:30am and did not end until like midnight has come and gone and it was pretty overwhelming. What was your favorite part? Mine was for sure Terry Bradshaw getting real honest with me about his shingles before I finished my breakfast, man that was sweet. I’ll admit that after my team won (whee!) I kind of tuned everything out, football remained on the television in my home but other things took precedence like making dinner and reading about my team winning and paying attention to my girlfriend. I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep now so don’t worry, I’ll be able to give this game between a team that’s good that I don’t like and a team that’s bad that I don’t like my full attention, now let’s talk about these jerks!

THE DALLAS COWBOYS are good again and that sucks. Normally we have to hear about them all the time but that usually because of something bad, like somebody slapping their mom, or how they’re ripping off their fans, or who their QB is dating, or whatever the hell this turned out to be, and at least that stuff is kind of funny. Now that they’re good we just have to hear about how good they are and I hate that. They’re good mostly because of running back DeMarco Murray who it playing super well but is on pace to carry the ball until his body explodes on the field so we’ll see how long that lasts. I’m so glad we get to watch them tonight.

THE WASHINGTON DC FOOTBALL TEAM is one that we watched, like three weeks ago, right? Since then, the team has continued to suck but now they have a new QB who has been terrible always, I mean CUT BY THE BROWNS terrible. Other than that they still have a super racist name that their stupid owner will probably not change until the courts pretty much force him to. I’m so glad we get to watch them tonight. JUST KIDDING I HATE BOTH OF THESE TEAMS AND WISH WE WERE WATCHING ALMOST ANY OTHER SET OF TEAMS! EAST COAST MEDIA BIAS! THE SADDEST PART IS THAT WE’D BE WATCHING THESE TEAMS EVEN IF BOTH OF THEM WERE TERRIBLE! THAT IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD! AND THE WORLD IS INDEED A VAMPIRE! SET TO DRAI-EA-EA-EAN! BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL NOT DRAIN! WE WILL FILL! YOUR EARS! WITH WORDS AND SONG TO SOOTHE YOUR TROUBLES! AND GUESTS TOO! AT HALFTIME I INTERVIEW ARTIST/FILMMAKER ASHLEIGH CARRAWAY OF PLANCHETTE! AND IN THE FOURTH QUARTER A CALL FROM BRIAN THURBER OF DSKINDC.ORG! TO TALK ABOUT POSSIBLE NON-RACIST NAMES FOR THE DC FOOTBALL TEAM! AND ALSO HOW WE USED TO BE ROOMMATES! SORRY ABOUT THAT PAN I MIGHT HAVE RUINED! PLUS! RACIST JAR PROTOCOLS WILL BE IN EFFECT! AND ALL SORT OF OTHER NUTTY STUFF! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! COME GET IT! IF IT IS SOME DUDES TALKING!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK SEVEN! STEELERS V. TEXANS! THIS ONE IS LIVE!

I feel like I'm getting robbed every time the Steelers are on TV

I feel like I’m getting robbed every time the Steelers are on TV

vs.

actually only one of these guys is really from Texas

actually only one of these guys is really from Texas

Truthers,

This is it, this week is your chance to see us in all of out having faces and not just being voices on the internet glory because THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS LIVE! I mean, all of our shows are live, we don’t sit around in our studio with Samantha Morton in a weird pool of like skim milk or whatever at the beginning of the season and do all this in advance. If we did I’d hope we’d do a better job at making the show and also use Samantha Morton’s skim milk bath powers to do something that would enrich either us or the rest of the world or both for crying out loud (but I mean us first and only if bald ass Samantha Morton was okay with it, we are totally better people than Max Von Sydow). WHATEVER, tonight you can come see us at a place with beer that is pretty good (the place is good, beers are more subjective) and it will be awesome. I know at this point all you can think about is putting our amazing faces together with the voices that soothe you so deeply every week but there will actually be a game for us to talk about so let’s preview these dumb teams!

THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are on the downside of a run that has seen them win two Super Bowls in the last nine years and thank all that is holy that they are. The Steelers are one of those “marquee franchises” that we are stuck hearing about all the time even though they’ve finished 8-8 the last two years and the most notable thing done on the field last year was by their coach. We also get to hear about their owners, the legendary Rooney Family, all the time as well and this is stupid because while they did do some good things they are still part of the super rich cabal of NFL owners and they still employ this jerk. Also they employ this jerk and also used to employ this jerk so it makes a man wonder, is Pittsburgh the site of the legendary jerk store? This year the Steelers are right in line for another 8-8 finish, currently they’re 3-3 but one of their losses came at the hands of Tampa Bay and Tampa Bay is so terrible that judging by their new uniforms they were sent back from the future to stink at football to prevent some sort of apocalyptic event. AND THE STEELERS COULDN’T EVEN HELP THEM WITH THAT, see The Steelers are the worst.

THE HOUSTON TEXANS are also 3-3 but for them that is fine because last year was a nightmare and they’ll take anything that isn’t former QB Matt Schaub throwing interception after interception. Unfortunately that means that they are taking the quarterback stylings of yes-we-all-know-you-went-to-Harvard Ryan Fitzpatrick who is just good enough to get you and keep you at .500. Luckily for them they have JJ Watt who, while he isn’t looking like Frankenstein’s Monster in human face paint or making terrible ads that we have to watch all season, is maybe the best player in football. Watt is very very very very very very very good and even I, a coldhearted monster who wishes nothing good on anything that resides in or comes from Texas (outside of Friday Night Lights), can appreciate his talents. They also still have Arian Foster and he is good despite how much people make of him being a vegan and his terrible tattoo. SO THEY HAVE SOME THINGS GOING FOR THEM. WHAT DO WE HAVE GOING FOR US THOUGH? WEEELLLLLLLLLL TONIGHT! ON THE INTERNET AT 8:30! BUT GET TO THE BAR BY 8! FOOTBALLZ! LIVE! WITH A CAVALCADE OF GUESTS! INCLUDING RED SOX DJ TJ CONNELLY! COMEDIANS SHAUN BEDGOOD! AND KOFI THOMAS! AND KEN REID! THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE! BUT THERE WILL BE MORE! PROBABLY A RAFFLE OF SOME SORT! AND A SPECIAL LIVE PERFORMANCE OF THE 4TH QUARTER POLL THEME! AND EVEN MORE! IT’S GONNA KIND OF BE LIKE THIS! EXCEPT WITH FEWER SUPER FAMOUS PEOPLE! AND LESS DOOR KNOCKING! WELL, NO DOOR KNOCKING ACTUALLY! BUT MAYBE! YOU’LL HAVE TO COME TO THIS TO FIND OUT! OR LISTEN IN LIKE USUAL! SURE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE IF WE HAVE A DOOR OR PARTICIPATE IN THE RAFFLE OR WHATEVER! BUT IT WILL STILL BE FUN! FOOTBALLZ COMES ALIVE! TONIGHT!

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK SIX! NINERS V. RAMS!

apparently this a video game dude named niner, he could totally be a Niner's fan though, just look at those douchey goggles.

apparently this a video game dude named niner, he could totally be a Niner’s fan though, just look at those douchey goggles

vs.

This is the face that I make when I think about the Rams

This is the face that I make when I think about the Rams

FARTS,

Here we are, week six, 3/8th of the way through the season, THAT’S LIKE ALMOST HALFWAY! And today my team lost SO I HATE IT! Ah, the delights of staring a week of NFL talk about how good your team isn’t in the face. I’m currently in the first stage as I type this, full media blackout. I’m watching a terrible tv show on Netflix and will probably avoid all football related media till the game Monday night. LUCKILY this week we have two teams who I totally do not like so I can enjoy some dudes I am not into losing no matter what. If I can’t fell joy at least I can delight in the misery of others and that is why I write things on the internet. SO LET’S HEAR ABOUT THESE TEAMS THAT I DON’T LIKE.

THE SAN FRANCISCO FOURTY NINERS are perhaps my least favorite team in all of sports! They’re coached by a crybaby, who’s motto is “who’s got it better than us”, which makes people sound like dicks, even though I think it is supposed to make it sound like you are all grateful for how rad everything in your life is? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? I’m really not sure. It just seems like a thing that probably if it is your motto you shouldn’t tell people about it. Plus it seems like nobody likes this dude and he is not going to coach there next year, which is crazy since he took this team to the NFC championship game the last three years. HE MUST REALLY BE A DICK. Also, they play in San Francisco, oh wait nope, they play in Santa Clara, so like many companies in the Frisco (yes, I know that they hate it when they call it that) area they’re just treating the actual city like a bedroom community. Whatever, San Francisco stinks, it’s got all the pretension of New York except way stupider and it invented Burning Man. Colin Kaepernick’s turtle is cool though.

THE ST. LOUIS RAMS actually don’t evoke that much ire from me, I liked them when they won the Super Bowl that one time and their helmets are great (I actually prefer their older helmets but in this world of bland helmets you take what you can get). Right now though, the city and county of St Louis is kind of having a moment in the spotlight and it isn’t because of the fucking ribs and the sports fans there are being totally cool about it. So sorry Jeff Fisher, but you betrayed mustaches owners everywhere by moving onto the hideous Van Dyke, the scourge of facial hair havers around the world, and the city you coach in is filled with racists SO UP YOUR’S AND UP YOUR’S TO YOUR TEAM ALSO! SO TONIGHT WE WILL BE ALL UP YOUR EARS! WITH TALKING! AND NOT JUST US! WE WILL HAVE GUESTS! LONGTIME PAL JOSH LEVIN IS OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW! AND IT SOUNDS SUPER GOOD BECAUSE HE LET ME DO IT AT THE SLATE OFFICES RATHER THAN AT A NOISY COFFEE SHOP OR POLISH RESTAURANT! PLUS A PHONE CALL FROM ROLLING STONE/GRANTLAND’S JASON GALLAGHER! PLUS ALL OF THE REGULAR CRAP! AND IT’S A “HOLIDAY”! SO THERE’S THAT! I PROMISE TO BE IN A BETTER MOOD THAN I AM NOW! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! LISTEN TO US TALK CRAP ABOUT A DUMB GAME THAT MAKES US ALL SAD! WOO-HOO!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FIVE! SEAHAWKS V. ____________!

THEY ARE THE BEST

THEY ARE THE BEST

vs.

yes, this again

yes, this again

Champions,

Did you hear? THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD (when it comes to football, I mean they are probably also champions of the known universe since it isn’t probable that football is played on other planets, BUT WHAT IF IT WAS? What if aliens totally were into football? I feel like this might have been a late episode of X Files, like when they had Terminator 2 on there) and now you people are going to have to listen to me talk about it for like three hours! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, life as a Seattle sports fan sucked for the better part of my conscious existence  and I’m feeling a little gloat-ey. Anyway, this week sees a game between good, the team I like, and more or less evil. Usually any other team that is playing the team I like qualifies for evil in my addled mind but in this instance the ownership of the Washington DC football team has shown itself to be a little more evil then your regular run of the mill sports team owner (and all sports owners are at least a little bit evil). You know Dan Snyder is evil because of this photo, j/k, he is evil because of, you know, THE RACISM (also maybe because of the carpet/wallpaper combo in whatever room that photo was taken in, that place looks like the waiting room for hell’s dentist). Enough about good and evil, jeez like we don’t have enough on that subject already, and let’s preview these teams filled with humans who are never truly good or bad but the crazy mix that inhabits us all!

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS were put on this earth to test me by an angry and vengeful god who, due to my devotion to him, allowed them to win the Super Bowl and become the champions that they are and thereby make me a champion because I rooted for them. HAHAHAHAHAHA, nope, the Seattle Seahawks are a group of human beings who I will probably never meet who have worked all of their lives to play a sport that might kill them. They are a mix of kinds of people, they do good things and they do bad things. They do not care that I like them (well, I can’t really tell if that’s true, I can assume, I mean I’m sure they are psyched to get the $30 I paid for a hat once (also, why are sports caps so expensive now? Not to be all Andy Rooney, but I feel like they were like, ten buck when I was a kid. Are they made of some sort of space aged polymer now?)) and my support has had nothing to do with their success or failure over the course of my 30+ years of doing so. You know what though, they are going to kick the Washington DC football team’s ass all over the field tonight and I worked my ass off this week and I’M GOING TO LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

THE WASHINGTON DC FOOTBALL TEAM is not filled with racists, the dudes who play on the field are not so different from their counterparts that play for the Seahawks. The crucial difference is that their owner is somewhere between a bit of a dick and a complete raging asshole, who refuses to acknowledge that his team’s current mascot is offensive and has been defined as such BY THE FUCKING DICTIONARY. Go ahead and watch the Daily Show piece about the whole thing, they get paid to be smarter and funnier about this stuff then I do (are of course they are). The actual team is kind of meh, they employ the brother of one of the ESPN personalities who will cover this game so that kind of sucks. They also are currently quarterbacked by a guy named Kirk, their previous franchise QB who they paid dearly for is currently nursing an ankle injury and may never play for the team again (don’t be sad for him, he’ll always have that weird sandwich bust that his corporate sponsor, Subway, made). Kirk has been not super terrible but also not super great but he’s a white dude so some people hope he remains the starter because that’s how some white people are. NOT US THOUGH! WE THINK DUDES NAMED KIRK STINK! AND SHOULD BE SENT THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE FOR ETERNITY! AND TONIGHT! WE WILL FREE YOU FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE OF YOUR BRAIN! TO FROLIC IN THE FIELDS OF MIRTH AND MERRIMENT! AND FOOTBALL! AND WE WILL DO IT WITH A HALFTIME INTERVIEW OF HILARIOUS COMEDIC PERSON MEHRAN KHAGHANI! AND A CALL FROM WILL BRINSON OF CBS SPORTS! I WILL TRY NOT ASK HIM WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A FANTASY LEAGUE WITH JIM PARSONS, TED DANSON, AND DAVID CARUSO’S SUNGLASSES! BECAUSE THAT WOULD OFFEND! AND I ONLY OFFEND THOSE WHO CANNOT HEAR ME A REPLY! BECAUSE I’VE ALWAY BEEN A COWARD! AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR ME! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! THE GREATEST TEAM IN ALL OFF PROFESSIONAL SPORPS AGAINST A GROUP OF TOTAL RACISTS! YOU KNOW WHO I’LL BE ROOTING FOR! NO, NOT THE RACISTS YOU TURD! THE SEAHAWKS! THEY BETTER PLAY WELL OR THIS EPISODE WILL JUST BE ME GROANING AND THROWING MY HAT ON THE FLOOR! BUT THAT, IN A WAY, IS COMPELLING! SO MAYBE LISTEN TO HEAR MY PERSONALITY SPLINTER INTO A THOUSAND PIECES! LIVE! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ! SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRPPPPPPPSSSSSSS!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FOUR! PATS V. CHIEFS!

TRUE PATRIOTS

TRUE PATRIOTS

vs.

THIS DUDE LOVES THE TV SHOW COACH

THIS DUDE LOVES THE TV SHOW COACH

Dudes,

So my baseball season ended yesterday (other people wrote about this better) and oh boy was it a BUMMER. It got me thinking why do we even care? Why bother? Why not let people who boringly deride “sportballs” on social media be right? Why, during this bleakest of NFL seasons as we await a bag of dicks in a suit’s possible resignation and replacement with a slightly less full bag of dicks in a suit (or maybe Condi Rice, which would be a great idea because the last time she was involved in a big enterprise she totally didn’t make up information to suit the company’s needs), do we still watch? But then, as I walked down my street, slightly drunk and listening to a particularly stirring Queen song, I was happy. Happy to be sad, happy to be able to feel things, happy to know that fellow humans felt the same way, happy to be able to express those things. Sports can be stupid and wasteful and dangerous and the business of it can be crushing but the chance to feel things outside ourselves, to feel joy and sadness in the collective acts of others, to share that joy and sadness openly with other people, that is pretty amazing. WHEW, THINGS GOT HEAVY IN THE KITCHEN (where, for some reason, across many apartments, I’ve always written these things) THIS MORNING! Enough feelings now, let’s preview tonight’s game!

THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS may finally be in true decline, whatever deal gross tongue kisser/person to be portrayed by Andy Serkis in a movie/head coach Bill Belichick struck with whatever devil to allow the Patriots to be successful for so long may finally be coming due. The team has not looked good this season, Tom Brady is in certain decline and the team’s inability to draft a single position player of talent that is not injury/murder indictment-prone has hamstrung the offense. Just last week they were a bounce away from a home loss to the very very terrible at football Oakland Raiders. I will say this kind of stuff gets written every year and somehow, probably through witchcraft or something, the Pats end up winning 11 games. Could this year be different? (why am I asking so many questions in this preview?) WHO KNOWS? Certainly not me, I barely even watched football yesterday, I was at the spa.

THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS will not be as good this year as they were last year, it is known, but they are probably not as bad as people think because things are never as good or bad as people think, brains are weird like that. I honestly don’t really care about anybody on this team but their coach, Andy Reid, is delightful when happy. You can’t help but enjoy a jolly fat man in red. The Chiefs have one really good player, running back Jamaal Charles, that they sometimes forget about and a defense that’s pretty decent, but other than that THESE GUYS ARE A SNOOZE! BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON’T BE! US! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! ON THIS WEBSITE! AND THE CLASSICAL.ORG! YOU KNOW THE DRILLY! I’LL TOTALLY TALK ABOUT MY SPA DAY! IT WAS AMAZING! STEAM ROOMS RULE! I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THE LADY WHO WAS GIVING ME A MASSAGE MAKING THAT SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING SLIGHTLY AMUSING ON YOUR COMPUTER EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE SHE TOUCHED MY BODY! I’M GUESSING (HOPING!) IT WAS JUST A TIC THAT SHE HAS BUT WHO CAN SAY? NOT OUR AMAZING GUESTS TONIGHT! WHO ARE THEY YOU ASK? WELL, AT HALFTIME WE WILL HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH LONGTIME FRIEND OF THE PROGRAM GREGG GETHARD! MAYBE HE WILL TALK ABOUT HIS RECENT YELP RELATED FAME! I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE MAC DID THIS INTERVIEW! AND IN THE SECOND HALF WE’LL HAVE ILLUSTRATOR AARON DANA IN THE STUDIO! HE DREW OUR FACES! SCROLL UP TO SEE THEM! I WILL PROBABLY ASK HIM WHO’S FACE WAS HARDER TO DRAW! AND TRY NOT TO INSULT HIM FOR DOING SUCH AN AMAZING JOB! BUT I HAVE WEIRD ISSUES ABOUT MY FACE! SO MAYBE I WILL ACCIDENTALLY INSULT HIM! JEEZ, I REALLY HOPE NOT! WE’LL ALL SEE (ACTUALLY HEAR) TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM!