Category Archives: gift guide

FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT. 4! THE WESTS!

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

Hey people who are already probably done holiday shopping, I’m sorry this is not arriving in your browser window on the promised Friday of last week but life got in the way you know what I mean. Now, however, I’m somewhere outside of Philadelphia (I just got on the train my girlfriend told me to and now there is just rain and trees) so I have plenty of time to tell you about things that you couldn’t even get people for Xmas if you wanted to. LET US RUN DOWN (both meanings) THESE GREAT (horrible) GIFTS FOR FANS OF TEAMS IN THE WESTERN DIVISIONS OF THE AFC AND NFC (next year I’ll figure out a better way to say that (as always, click on the image to go to the item’s individual Etsy page)):

 

THE DENVER BRONCOS are another one of my least favorite teams (man, I have a lot of those) and they are really good so their fans should really just shut up and enjoy the things they are allowed. If fans of these turds must have something though, feel free to send them this thing that looks like it has a butthole for a face:

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can't see you doing your dirty things

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can’t see you doing your dirty things

 

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS fans also do not have it too bad, I mean the town is nice (unless you hate Republicans), you can go to the place where they shot that scene from Top Gun, and the weather is pretty awesome (unless you hate Republicans). I guess if you wanted to get a rich republican who lives in nice weather and eats at the bbq place from Top Gun a thing (which they obvs. don’t need) you could go much wronger than something called a a “diaper tricycle”:

finally somebody has done something with the phrase "diaper tricycle"

finally somebody has done something with the phrase “diaper tricycle” that will allow me to say it in mixed company

 

Do you have a friend who owns a pug? Is that friend a fan of the Oakland Raiders? Does that friend wish that his pug was an Oakland Raiders fan? Does that fan wish his pug was just sort of okay about that but not super excited about the Raiders or even sad about the whole thing? Then this is the gift for you to give to this person:

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

 

Working in the service industry is tough, you spend a lot of time dealing with tons of BS from all sides and it can take a toll on a person. That’s why it’s important to carve out little things to make you happy while you’re on the job. THIS GIFT WILL NOT DO THIS, nothing would drive me deeper into depression than looking down at the place where I put all the meagre money I’ve made and realize that I was telling people that I’m a fan of both hastily constructed garbage and the KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

 

Your child should never be put into a cocoon and should never be taught to be an ARIZONA CARDINALS fan:

Now a movie called "Baby Cocoon" is a product I would pay for.

Now a movie called “Baby Cocoon” is a product I would pay for.

 

However, if you would really like your child’s soul to be sucked out through its breathe while it sleeps and are a ST. LOUIS RAMS fan then this is the gift for you:

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

 

San Francisco is a place where crafting goes to live (or die) and the streets flow with glued on googly-eyed garbage so it’s tough to find something extra scary to give to someone who already has an upcycled crocheted cruelty free cozy for their Uber membership card and Google Bus pass. For our arch enemy SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS fans though, we here at FOOTBALLZ go the extra mile:

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

 

As you all know, I love the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS but I’m not afraid to recognize that there are some things that are not good about them. Yes, Pete Carroll speaks in a weird gobly-gook of words sometimes, and yes, Richard Sherman is a dick, but my saddest admission about the Hawks is that their uniforms are a little, um, busy. Now this usually isn’t a problem on the field, the realm of what athletes are forced to wear by their corporate overlords is littered with nightmare clothes (just look at this Xmas’s basketball uniforms) and the pros look cool in whatever they have to wear because they are basically super heros and who hasn’t the garbage those people walk around in. However, much as when regular people try to wear superhero clothes, things can get a little rough for the average fan when they try to wear sports clothes in regular life. If you have a friend who wants to do this and you want to dissuade them from ever doing it again, may I suggest this gift:

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

Well folks, that’s it. Sorry if these suggestions came a little late for you to make it happen for your office Yankee Swap but much like most of your teams THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT.3! THE SOUTHS!

Only jerks give gift cards

Only jerks give gift cards

 

Hey poopsters, FOOTBALLZ (the broadcast) season is over for the time being, but here at FOOTBALLZ (the website) we will keep going strong throughout the winter. We’ll be bringing you all sort of playoff related nonsense, just this time it’ll be delivered by fingers rather than mouths (YES! that sounds just as gross as when I said it out loud, WRITING WORKS!) so switch your FOOTBALLZ glands from your ears to your eyes and get ready for part three of GIFT GIVING SPECTACULAR! This time we’re doing the Southern Divisions (click all photos to go to their respective Etsy pages (also, seriously Etsy people, cool it with bottle caps, NOBODY WANTS YOUR BOTTLE CAP EARRINGS/BROACHES/TIE CLASPS/IUDS (that last one really freaked me))):

THE ATLANTA FALCONS have had a rough season and their fans deserve gifts that will lift them up, unfortunately Etsy has none of these. Instead we suggest this Amulet of Asante Samuel, it will allow them to collect lots of money while doing very little and ward off Bill Belichick (as well as Belichick related monsters):

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

 

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS come from what some people might call voodoo country and that leads to a lot freaky business being made with that in mind (seriously, SERIOUSLY (there is not a bold bold enough to bold that seriously)) but for a real Saints fan the must have gift is obviously this:

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A  FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

 

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are a team on the rise but their long life of crappyness have left their Etsy wares a little lacking, luckily we’ve found the perfect Xmas gift for you, Panthers fans. Every home needs a small wizard face statue made of okra to protect it from evil anti-slime vegetable based ghosts, right? WELL NOW YOU CAN HAVE ONE IN PANTHERS COLORS:

"Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!"

“Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!”

 

THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS have disappointed this year but no gift could be more disappointing to any child than the one we’ve come across:

"Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano."

“Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano.”

 

THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS best/worst gift is a PDF of a cross stitch pattern for a mini Mark Brunell jersey, we present it (haha) without commentary:

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

 

Though not as amazing as the Bengals Butt Painting of our previous installment, this portrait of TENNESSEE TITANS running back Chris Johnson is equally disturbing. Never forget as you gaze into this painting of this dude and what appears to be some sort of blemish on his cheek that he makes around $8000 a yard:

spitting purple

spitting purple

 

If you are a HOUSTON TEXANS fan then you have many options when it comes to gifts, that is of course if the only gifts you want to give people are Houston Texans themed crosses (yeesh, is there some sort of vampire problem down there? Are they attracted to the lack of zoning? Should that be my first/last just-a-little-older-than-YA novel? About cool vampires in Texas who are all about real estate? And are also erotic?). We’ve found something outside the cross epidemic but equally disturbing and we’re kind of at a loss to describe it:

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

 

I have always disliked the INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (also always disliked how hard it is for me to type Indianapolis correctly) so I will admit that I did not spend much time looking for a gift for fans of these turdbags. I mean having one crappy season in the last 20 years or so and then having that land you another super good franchise qb is gift enough, right? Anyway this shirt is stupid looking:

for people who have short arms

for people who have short arms

THAT’S IT SOUTHERNERS! TOMORROW WE CONCLUDE THIS SERIES THAT WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOREVER WITH THE WESTER DIVISIONS!

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE! PT. 2 THE NORTH!

Crewcut Santa

Crewcut Santa

DUDES, we have only scratched the surface of NFL/craft crossover (not to be confused with the NFL/Kraft crossover) so we’re back to give you all the best gifts for the fans in your life that like the teams from the AFC/NFC North Divisions (SYNTAX PARTY!). If you guys were wondering what’s on my personal gift list (a side note, adults who send out gift lists should be forced to wear footie pajamas while they open their gifts (which, unfortunately, those people would probably be into)) WONDER NO LONGER. I want either this science robot so I can crush my enemies/create my own personal Cletus or this super cool art because I love to indulge the artistic temperaments of the kids that liked to pull the wings off of flies. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME LET’S GET BACK TO THE GIFTS YOU ARE DEF GOING TO GIVE TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE/HATE (please click on photos to go to their respective Etsy pages):

THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are one of my least favorite teams and if like them you should get absolute garbage which is good because there is so much garbage out there that I can post two trash gifts to give so enjoy this “cell phone holder” (pair of bean bags) and “plastic bag holder” (incorrectly constructed boxer shorts):

now all of your hippy dolls have chairs to sit in

now all of your hippy dolls have chairs to sit in

steelers2

If you need a “plastic bag holder” YOU HAVE TOO MANY PLASTIC BAGS, perhaps a better gift for you would be a visit from the producers of Hoarders?

BALTIMORE can be a pretty sad town but they have things that they love so so much, like drugs or Dan Deacon, but above all else they apparently love crabs and Ray Lewis. So that RAVENS fan out there should totally get this pean to an accused murderer and sea cockroaches:

good for telling people you like garbage or murder!

good for telling people you like garbage or murder!

The people who love the CINCINNATI BENGALS love the most horrific uniforms in all of pro football so there is nothing more appropriate than the single more puzzling piece of art that I’ve come across during this whole journey to the center of the knitted earth:

Yeah, that's two butts in one painting.

Yeah, that’s two butts in one painting.

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS are indeed the saddest, they’re self proclaimed Sadness Factory, so this need no introduction:

comes with this free song

comes with this free song

THE CHICAGO BEARS are a proud franchise and nothing says pride like a wooden troll who looks like he has to pee:

I'd be concerned too if I had no torso

I’d be concerned too if I had no torso

We here at FOOTBALLZ love assigning things to children who don’t have any real choice in the matter so what better gift to a group of people who’s cultural identity is tied almost exclusively to football, GREEN BAY PACKERS fans, that a chance to pass on a legacy of hate to a new generation:

also the needlework is weak

also the needlework is weak

THE DETROIT LIONS have a lot of sad memories, why not get them a framed version of one of them:

this is just like those photos of run down buildings in Detroit

this is just like those photos of run down buildings in Detroit

The world of crafting is filled with certain signifiers, cliches that cannot be stopped. Usually they’re just one or possibly two per project but this gift for you favorite Minnesota Vikings manages to jam “making something out of a record”, “a skull”, and “making something in to a clock” together to present this Frankencraft Monster:

The skull of Jerry Lewis will haunt your wall clock FOREVER!

The skull of Jerry Lewis will haunt your wall clock FOREVER!

 

That’s it for the Northern divisions, we’ll be back next week with the Souths (can you say that?) and Wests and even more handmade hijinx!

AND REMEMBER, this Monday is the last FOOTBALLZ of the season so if you want to hear our sweet sweet voices BE SURE TO TUNE IN MONDAY AT 8:30PM!

 

 

FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE! PT. 1 THE EAST

SPECIAL PRESENTS

SPECIAL PRESENTS

Yo guyz it’s holiday time (well at least American National Gift Giving Holiday Time) and we here at FOOTBALLZ are all about giving gifts (since we give the gift of our invaluable commentary every week to you beautiful people) so we thought that we’d drop some knowledge about what to give your favorite football fan this season. In our offseason previews we gave you great gift ideas from the various NFL Team sanctioned gift shops but for this time of year we thought you might need something a little more special, something more personal, something perhaps, handmade. We’ve dug deep into the horror halls of the handmade section of Etsy (and with apologies to this late lamented website) so we may bring you THE BEST (or also the worst depending on your irony level) IN FOOTBALL HANDMADE GIFTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS! We’ve found something for a fan of nearly every team AND NOW WE WILL BRING IT TO YOU! This week we’ll do the East divisions of the AFC and NFC with the rest coming before the holiday. Get your paypal accounts out and lets get to E-DOOR BUSTIN’ (click on all photos for links to purchase):

For New England fans we have something really special. There are many options for portraits of their one true love, QB Tom Brady, but we’ve uncovered one that manages to combine his visage with that of favorite son of MA/talking wax figure/Secretary of State John Kerry:

so Picasso

so Picasso

Miami Dolphins fans don’t really get into the holiday spirit, they just celebrate Art Basel and then go back to drinking garbage drinks. Should you find one who is looking for something appropriate to the Florida lifestyle look no further than our selection, which has the added benefit of giving you the chance to wear the closest thing the giant taxpayer purchased Red Grooms sculpture from Marlins Park around your neck:

it's like your dog barfed up a bunch of costume jewelry

it’s like your dog barfed up a bunch of costume jewelry

The Buffalo Bills have had little to cheer about recently (or maybe forever?) so there are very few worthwhile gifts that will bring them any joy. We had to reach a little outside the box to bring you this gift that reminds Bills fans of vengeance on one of their least favorite dudes of all time (and also that because of this movie we all got to see Chloe Sevingy give a beej). Yes it’s a paper doll cutout for Vincent “Prince Vince” Gallo’s character in Buffalo ’66.

this movie has too many baths

this movie has too many baths

We lump the New York Giants/Jets because they share so many things, their stadium, their fanbase, their lie that they actually play in New York, but they thing they might share the most is their love for former coach Bill Parcells. The Big Tuna has taken turns with both the “New York” teams and brought varying levels of success to both, regardless he is revered by all and this portrait of him would be welcome in any crazy Mike Francesca caller’s home (slight side note, if you live in the “Greatest City in the World” you should not be buying anything on the internet):

Coach needs more SPIIIIICCCCCE

Coach needs more SPIIIIICCCCCE

The Washington DC American Football Team is pretty sad right now, they’ve benched their franchise QB an their coach has maybe already had a practice run at cleaning out his desk, so their fans need something joyful. What says wistful joy more than a jester hat (well, a jester hat usually says IT dude at a free music festival who is worried that someone will steal his recumbent bike when he isn’t looking, but look times are dark in DC)?

who don't love that fleece?

who don’t love that fleece?

Things are a little more exuberant up north on I-95 as the Philadelphia Eagles fans want nothing more than the playoffs for Xmas (man, I feel like a real sportswriter after typing something so cliche) but they have some karmic problems with the holiday so who knows what could happen. A salve for the paranoia of the Eagles fan might be the thought that angels were on their side and this print could lead them to think just that (or that somewhere deep in an unused SEPTA tunnel there is a crazy former Drexel professor creating human/bird hybrids like a cheesesteak fueled Dr. Moreau, which is what I hope is true):

The Last Boy Scout would have been cooler if that dude had turned into a bird person rather than pulling a gun

The Last Boy Scout would have been cooler if that dude had turned into a bird person rather than pulling a gun

Finally we get to “America’s Team” (ugh) the Dallas Cowboys. There are many options for the discerning Dallas fan (though judging by this image search, discerning doesn’t seem to be in their vocabulary) but one handmade image stands out among the rest. If you want to see the Cowboys star burn rendered in soul deadening crayon we have the gift for you:

I don't like making fun of little kid's art but it is hard to tell what the age of this artist is and you know if you want people to pay money for your stuff you should expect some criticism. Also, that football looks stupid.

I don’t like making fun of little kid’s art but it’s hard to tell what the age of this artist is and you know if you want people to pay money for your stuff you should expect some criticism. Also, that football looks stupid.

So that’s it for now holiday dogs, we’ll be back tomorrow with the AFC/NFC Norths so don’t go blowing your whole budget today.

PS this Monday will be the last FOOTBALLZ of the year, holiday travel/the last MNF game is Xmas eve eve/blah blah blah, but we are going to stuff it full of guests and excitement so be sure to tune in, it’s going to be wild (also a warning, we are all going to be eating pizza and I might try to talk while doing so).