Author Archives: TD - Page 2

FOOTBALLZ CHAT! RAVENS VS. BROWNS!

Live Blog footballz week 12 chat! ravens vs. browns!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 12! RAVENS VS. BROWNS!

that's so many ravens

that’s so many ravens!

vs.

if you poop the top middle one you should see a doctor

if you poop the top middle one you should see a doctor

RUBBERBAND MEN AND WOMEN,

AGAIN, NOT A TON OF TIME THIS WEEK BECAUSE YESTERDAY I REALLY WENT OUT AND WATCHED FOOTBALL AND I HAVE TO GET ON A BUS IN LIKE AN HOUR. ANNNNNYYYYWAAAYYYYY TONIGHT’S GAME IS GOING TO BE STRAIGHT GARBAGGIO. THE RAVENS HAVE BEEN CURSED BY SOME SORT OF ELDER GOD OR JOHN WATERS OR SOMETHING THIS SEASON BECAUSE THEY’RE IR LIST LOOKS LIKE THIS:

BWUH?

BWUH?

THAT’S A LOT OF DUDES! IT ALSO MEANS WE’RE EITHER GOING TO SEE JIMMY CLAUSEN, WHO’S ALREADY BEEN RELEASED ONCE THIS YEAR AND HAD A STATLINE LIKE THIS IN THE ONE GAME HE STARTED, OR MATT SCHAUB, WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE ALL THERE ANYMORE, AT QB! THIS WOULD MAKE FOR A LOPSIDED GAME USUALLY BUT THE BROWNS ARE LIKE THE GARBAGE AT A DUMP THAT EVEN THE RATS THAT LIVE THERE WON’T EAT. SAID GARBAGE BROWNS HAVE THEIR OWN QUARTERBACK ISSUES, THEIR ONE TIME QUARTERBACK OF THE FUTURE IS ON THE EDGE OF BEING RELEASED. NO, NOT THE ONE THAT WAS REALLY OLD WHEN THEY DRAFTED HIM, AND NOT THE ONE WHO WAS SORT OF AMAZING FOR THAT ONE SEASON, AND NOT THE ONE THAT THEY DRAFTED #1 WHEN THEY CAME BACK INTO THE LEAGUE. I’M TALKING ABOUT THE ONE THAT WAS SUPER FUN IN COLLEGE AND MAYBE IS AN ALCOHOLIC, YEAH, THIS GUY! HE WAS MAYBE GOING TO PLAY THIS GAME BUT THEN HE WENT TO A PARTY AND NOW HE PROBABLY ISN’T GOING TO PLAY FOR THE BROWNS EVER AGAIN AND THAT SUCKS. AT LEAST HE WAS INTERESTING, BROWNS CURRENT STARTER JOSH MCCOWN ISN’T EVEN THE MOST INTERESTING QUARTERBACK IN HIS FAMILY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! BUT YOU KNOW WHO ARE THE MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE IN THEIR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES? WE ARE! WELL, MY BROTHER IS PRETTY COOL! HE WORKS IN A BANK! BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL BE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN OUR RESPECTIVE FAMILIES THAT WILL BE BROADCASTING AN ALTERNATIVE AUDIO PROGRAM TO ESPN’S MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! PROBABLY! I DON’T KNOW WHAT MY DISTANT COUSINS ARE DOING TONIGHT! BUT TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ IS BACK! AND IT ISN’T JUST ME! THE WHOLE GANG WILL BE THERE! MAC! CHRIS! A PHONE CALL WITH STEFAN MAROLACHAKIS OF THE OPEN RUN PODCAST! CHAT PEOPLE! THE BROWNS! THE RAVENS! THE FOOTBALLZ! TONNNNNNIIIIIGGGHHHTTTTTTT!

 

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 11! PATRIOTS VS. BILLS!

Tom Brady is friends with this dude

Tom Brady is friends with this dude

vs.

BILLS!

BILLS!

GUYS, NOT A LOT OF TIME TO PREVIEW TODAY! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE TO FIX MY TOILET? YOU BETTER! BECAUSE I TOTALLY HAVE TO FIX MY TOILET AND NOT BECAUSE OF SOME SORT OF POOP OVERLOAD OR FATASSNESS YOU JERKS! ANYWAY, TONIGHT THE GOLDMAN SACHS OF FOOTBALL, THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (WHO’S QUARTERBACK IS TOTALLY FRIENDS WITH DONALD TRUMP) FACE OFF AGAINST THE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT BUFFALO BILLS (WHO’S FANS ARE DOING AMAZING THINGS THIS YEAR). IT WILL BE EXCITING! ALSO, BECAUSE OF A LAST SECOND GUEST CANCELLATION I’LL BE VIN SCULLYING THE GAME! YEAH! JUST ME! TD! IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME! DON’T WORRY I’LL STILL WEAR THE TRADITIONAL TUXEDO! ALSO DON’T WORRY, MAC IS GOING TO CALL IN DURING THE SECOND QUARTER LIVE FROM SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA! AND THE FANTASTIC DAVE ZIRIN WILL CALL IN THE FOURTH! I WILL NOT ASK HIS LOCATION! SO LISTEN IN GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 

WEEK 10 FOOTBALLZ PODCAST!

This week’s podcast is up! The best of week 10 live broadcast featuring guest co-hosts Ryan Douglass and Amanda Poryes and a call from Will Weldon! CH-CH-CHECK IT OUT!

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 10 CHATS! TEXANS VS. BENGALS!

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ WEEK 10 CHAT! BENGALS VS. TEXANS!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 10! BENGALS VS. TEXANS!

Bangles-Bengals, whatever! Also, did you know the Bangles were originally called The Bangs? IT'S TRUE!

Bangles-Bengals, whatever! Also, did you know the Bangles were originally called The Bangs? IT’S TRUE!

vs.

Sorry everybody, Texas sucks.

Sorry everybody, Texas sucks.

Fernandos,

Guys, I gotta make this one brief, I was up LATE last night watching another episode of our favorite show WAS THAT A CATCH? Man, now that football is mostly a bunch of old dudes interepeting arcane and somewhat indecipherable rules it really crosses over with my interest in Supreme Court rulings. ANYWAY, this week we have a game and now I’m kind of half-rueing all my talk about wanting to see less popular teams on MNF because while we get to see the Bengals, who are good, it comes with having to see the Texans, who are super terrible. It’s kind of like hearing a really good R&B song then getting a Chris Brown cameo right in the middle or having a PB&J where the bread and peanut butter are excellent but the jelly is rancid or maybe like something else where there is a good thing mixed with a terrible thing. Like I said I was up LATE and maybe eating my feelings a little bit after that Seahawks game so my analogy skills might not be up to their usual snuff. ANYWAY, let’s talk about these teams.

THE CINCINNATI BENGALS are freaking undefeated! Holy moly! Nick Lachey and Carmen Electra must be psyched! After years of looking pretty good and then pooping in a bed that is called the playoffs it seems like the Bengals are putting it all together this year. Andy Dalton is doing world wide gingers proud while throwing to the amazing-at-playing-football-but-incapable-of-dealing-with-wired-headphones AJ Green and please-everyone-stop-calling-him-baby-Gronk-because-a-baby-version-of-Gronk-would-be-dead-in-15-minutes Tyler Eifert and THAT IS WORKING FOR THEM SUPER HARD. Also their defense, which has been a strength REMAINS so, maybe this is the year that their playoff bed remains unpooped (and given the general crappyness of the AFC it should) BUT WHO KNOWS? They should definitely win tonight though and if they don’t it will be a reminder THAT FOOTBALL IS CHAOS.

THE HOUSTON TEXANS stink, woo-who THEY STINK! They were on Hard Knocks and usually those teams stink and BOY THAT HAS HELD TRUE THIS YEAR (also, if you ever want to see what kind of dicks NFL coaches are, watch Hard Knocks because it will prove for you that football coaches are straight up assholes. Mike Vrabel, who is the Texans linebackers coach, is such a fuckface on that show, like his face is made of discarded fucks that people threw away because they were terrible). The Texans best player is JJ Watt and he is good player but man is he boooooorrrrriiiiinnnnggggg, which would be fine if it was back in the day and football players played football and then during the week were just like butchers or whatever but JJ Watt (who would probably make a decent butcher) is on TV ALL THE TIME. His, like, early Hulk Hogan eat your vitamins kids schtick is such a damn snooze but I do hope it leads to a later heel turn as a stab at relevance. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE SUPER RELEVANT TONIGHT! FOOTBALLZ! LIVE FROM QUEENS! WITH SO MANY SPECIAL IN STUDIO GUESTS! WELL TWO! BUT HEY THAT’S A LOT FOR THE SMALL LIVING ROOM THAT WE BROADCAST FROM! THOSE GUESTS ARE! ACTOR/IMPROVISOR AMANDA PORYES! AND! RETURNING GUEST! COMEDIAN/PLAYWRIGHT RYAN DOUGLASS! PLUS A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM COMEDIAN WILL WELDON! SO LOTS OF VOICES! A RICH BOUILLABAISSE! A FANTASTICAL MELANGE! A DAMN HORN O’ PLENTY! SO PREPARE YOUR EARS! FOR A HEADY BROTH OF FRIENDSHIP AND FUNNY AND FOOTBALL! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! SEEEEEE YOUUUUURRRR EARRRRRRSSSSSSS TONNNNIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTTT!

 

 

 

 

 

BEST OF FOOTBALLZ PODCAST FOR WEEK 9!

New podcast my pals! This time the old gang gets back together to talk about all sorts of nonsense while the Bears play the Chargers. With a special guest appearance by Peter from the Fantasy Football Comedy Hour!

FOOTBALLZ CHAT! BEARS VS. CHARGERS!

Live Blog FOOTBALLZ CHAT! BEARS VS. CHARGERS!
 

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 9! BEARS VS. CHARGERS!

town and animal are right, sport and actual existence are SO SO WRONG

town and animal are right, sport and actual existence are SO SO WRONG

vs.

"why did I put this fancy keyboard on my charge card!?!?!?!?"

“why did I put this fancy keyboard on my charge card!?!?!?!?”

Broadway Knights,

GUUUYYYYYZZZZ, we made it! Halfway through the football season! All it’s taken so far was the death of one good website that writes about sports and wilful blindness about Greg Hardy! On balance those seems like meagre things to give up for this game that we love or at least are kind of addicted to watching because regular life is a dark and brutal place filled with horrors both real and imagined and a distraction that allows you to feel and express emotions that you are normally cut off from is something you cannot let go of. The halfway point also give us time to pause and assess the progress, or lack thereof, being made, or not made, by the teams that play, or at least seem like they’re playing, in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Let me tell you though for this week’s teams it is for sure more ASS than ESS if you know what I mean (I only kinda know what I mean) because these teams are not good and maybe even are very bad but we’re all going to watch them together so let’s GET TO PREVIEWING!

THE CHICAGO BEARS are in the NFL’s lumpy middle, they have some quality players and some decent coaching but they are a world away from being a Superb Owl contender, this is not a good place to be. Everything about the team is just OK, they have no breakout young players (outside of WR Alshon Jeffery, who seems to be injured constantly) and while they did well in last offseason’s free agency (Pernell McPhee has looked good) none of the guys they picked up “move the needle” as a regular sports reporter person might say. They’re also tethered to the sometimes talented but always never vaccinating his kids QB, Jay Cutler. Cutler is fine, if I had a decent team with quarterback issues (say, the Bills, or the Jags, or the Browns, or the Jets, or probably some other team that I’m forgetting because they decided to do road work on my block at 8am this morning) I’d snap him up in a heartbeat, but he isn’t the guy to elevate the play of the team around him. He is complementary and somehow that isn’t a compliment. GET BETTER OR GET WORSE BEARS BECAUSE RIGHT NOW YOU’RE JUST BORING.

THE SAN DIEGO CHARGERS are a team that we’ve seen already this season and man they were not great. I am for real bummed that we have to watch them again, why can’t we see some other crappy team. I haven’t seen the Buccaneers or the Browns or the Bengals or Jaguars and they’re all at least interesting and in some cases even good (BENGALS!), so why do we have to sit through another Soon to be Former San Diego Chargers football game? Sure Philip Rivers is involved so we might see another one of these but hoping for that is like trying to wish a rainbow, you know what I mean (I don’t totally know what that means)? Well, we’ll watch them TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! AND WE’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT! BECAUSE THAT’S KIND OF WHAT THIS WHOLE THING IS ALL ABOUT! BUT HOPEFULLY YOU KNOW THAT ALREADY! I MEAN IF YOU DIDN’T HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET HERE? IS MY SEO STRATEGY FINALLY WORKING? DID YOU GOOGLE “HOW TO MAKE A MILLION DOLLARS WITH JUST YOUR BALLS” AND GET THIS PAGE? YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! IT WORKKKKSSSSSSSS! ANYWAY! ME! AND MAC! AND CHRIS! AND SPECIAL GUESTS FROM THE FANTASY FOOTBALL COMEDY HOUR! WE’LL ALL BE ON THE MICS! POLLINATING YOU FLOWER EARS WITH OUR HONEY BEE BUTT MOUTHS! THAT’S HOW THAT WORKS RIGHT? I FEEL LIKE THE WORD STAMEN SHOULD BE IN THERE SOMEPLACE! WHATEVER! FOOTBALLZ! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! HERE OR VIA THECLASSICAL.ORG! LISSSTTTEEENNNNNNNNN!

 

BEST OF FOOTBALLZ PODCAST FOR WEEK 8! ACTIVATE EARS!

This week’s best of podcast is available for listening! Subscribe/rate/review on itunes here. This week, Mac and TD talk about all sorts of nonsense like Star Wars monsters, Harry Potter toilets, cornbread, and, as always, a little bit about football. LISTEN IN!