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FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT. 3 THE NFC NORTH

after three quarters of Cowboys-Raiders we wished we could be whatever this is

Oh man guys, we were having practice the other day (yes we do practice for this, we don’t just fall out of bed making terrible puns about player names and wondering why refs move their arms in certain ways, WE ARE TRUE CRAFTSMEN) while watching first Monday Night Football broadcast of the game between the Cowboys and the Raiders and let me tell you, IT WAS TERRIBLE. I mean, not us, we were awesome and beautiful as always, midseason form, really really on top of the music transitions and the other part where we talk, but OH JEEZ THE FOOTBALL STANK. Maybe they should not show preseason games, I know people  want to see how the player prepare for the season (Carson Palmer had his “I just threw a crappy interception” (which begs the question how does one throw a great interception) face totally ready for week one and Tony Romo seemed already very adept at picking himself up off the turf) but holy moly look at the “highlights“, AND WE WATCHED THIS TURKEY AS IT HAPPENED. THIS IS THE WORK WE DO FOR YOU PEOPLE SO YOU, well I don’t know what you should do, listen when we start the real season I guess? ANYWAY, here are the previews for the NFC North:

why is the lion eating chocolate?

 Green Bay Packers

2011 IN REVIEW- They were the defending champs, they won a lot of games, they got beat in the playoffs, we saw this commercial A LOT

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Nobody? Really? Well here is a funny story about the Packers and Michelle Beadle from last year around this time.

2012 OUTLOOK- They will be good, Clay Matthews will not cut his hair and somebody will pull it.

Chicago Bears

2011 IN REVIEW- Jay Culter got hurt again but this time people didn’t worry about how tough he was but we got to see what a Caleb Hannie looked like again (not really like an NFL player is what we found out). They finished 8-8.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Second year line backer JT Thomas (MUGSHOT, not available but click that link to hear the crazy story of former Bears WR Sam Hurd)

2012 OUTLOOK- If Cutler doesn’t get hurt things look good if not all of Chicago will join him in having this face

Detroit Lions

2011 IN REVIEW- They were good, they were less good, they had a rough Thanksgiving, Calvin Johnson Megatroned all over the place

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Too many to mention

2012 OUTLOOK- They will be as good as Matthew Stafford lets them be, somebody else will get arrested (I hope it’s 42 year old kicker Jason Hanson who goes down for regicide).

Minnesota Vikings

2011 IN REVIEW- They were okay and then Adrian Peterson went down and everybody got bummed out.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- The aforementioned AP (MUGSHOT, very gleeful)

2012 OUTLOOK- I can guarantee that tehy will still wear purple and I really hope that Prince comes to some games but other than that I don’t really care.

 

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT. 2 THE AFC WEST

watching preseason football

 

THIS IS IT GUYS! THE SEASON STARTS THIS WEEK! MAJOR NETWORKS WILL BE SHOWING FOOTBALL! WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? These games don’t count? The starters are only going to play the first quarter (if you’re lucky)? We’ll spend most of the game wondring who guys like this are? I totally feel like this. WHATEVER I’LL JUST KEEP WATCHING THE OLYMPICS

(Special FOOTBALLZ Olympic parenthetical, try as I might I cannot rock the copper box for Team Handball nor really get with Men’s Field Hockey but man, Water Polo rules.  If we had more prep I would have happily scrapped this whole thing to do OLYMPIC WATER POLOBALLZ, it is awesome and not just because of the boobs. Special shoutouts to my two favorite indoor volleyballers, the talent-outstrips-the-name Destinee Hooker and this dude’s hair. PS SCARY RUSSIAN SYNCHRO SWIMMING TO GOBLIN)

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED CONFERENCE PREVIEWS, THIS WEEK THE AFC WEST!

support your favorite team by buying these items that we cannot identify

Denver Broncos

2011 IN REVIEW- This dude was infuriating, then made me very happy, then was squished.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star defensive end Elvis Dumervil (MUGSHOT unconcerned)

2012 OUTLOOK- Trading one annoying quarterback for another with more talent will get them more wins and therefore make them more annoying.

Kansas City Chiefs

2011 IN REVIEW- Lots of dudes got injured, their coach who nobody liked was a dick who got fired, it was a bad season.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- A dude named Donald Washington (MUGSHOT, this is actually former Chief Tamarick Vanover)

2012 OUTLOOK- Injured dudes not being injured should help as the return of Romeo Crennel’s reading glasses will hopefully buy(focal) (ugh) them a few more wins.

Oakland Raiders

2011 IN REVIEW- Franchise patriarch Al Davis died but it didn’t stop them from making a very Al Davis like trade for Carson Palmer and not making the playoffs.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Almost complete bust wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey (MUGSHOT, google image search gave me nothing)

2012 OUTLOOK- I actually have no idea, they will either be better or worse or exactly the same (without the Al Davis dying part).

San Diego Chargers

2011 IN REVIEW- Pretty much the same as every year, they were talented but didn’t win and Norv Turner did not get fired. At least last year they didn’t make the playoffs.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- NOBODY? Jeez (at least a former player got busted by the FBI)

2012 OUTLOOK- I hope not to find out, hopefully they’ll wear these jerseys the whole season so they can look good while they under-achieve.

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWS PT 1. THE NFC WEST

this season is going to be like this cake, major, slightly impressive, and disgusting

Oh, hello, didn’t see you there, we were just baking this football shaped cake to get ready for the season. Baking really chills us out and people tell us how great our cupcakes are allllllll the time. We were thinking about opening up our own shop and hanging up this FOOTBALLZ thing and going in on the baking full time, opening a little shop someplace, getting up early to bake, doing it real monk style you know? There is just something about working with your hands to create something, everything is sooooooo digital these days, when you have to take time to really make something it just feels better. In fact you should just leave this site and go to our baking site www.thecutestcupcak-ALKHDFSKAHSDKFHA, NO! JUST KIDDING! There is no way we’d ever turn into some flour covered Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance/Shop Class in Soul Craft ninnies, not with a fresh season of football to watch while our physical bodies slowly melt away into our couchwives every Sunday/Monday Night/occasional Thursday evening/all of Thanksgiving/and I guess a Wednesday? Geez NFL maybe layoff the product dilution a little bit. FOR REAL THOUGH, FOOTBALLZ is back (at least in writing form until the season starts then we’ll make with the blah blah all over your ears)!

nope

This year will be bigger and better, we’ll have more content here on the website for looking at when we are not talking, more guests on the live show, probably a live event or two, and a special project that we are not sure we will actually be able to pull off so we won’t mention it. TO THAT END WE ARE DOING SEASON PREVIEWS THE FIRST OF WHICH IS BELOW. We feel like you guys need some background before this season so we’re giving you the skinny (which is a gross phrase) on all of the divisions (you see the NFL is divided up into conferences the AFC, American Football Conference, and the NFC, the National Football Conference, and each conference is divided into divisions (doy). Each conference has a West, North, South, and East division. Here is a chart that doesn’t have any names so you can feel free to make them up and send your lists to us). We start with the perennially mocked NFC WEST. We start with the division champs.

somebody is going home with this gross towel at the end of the season

San Francisco 49ers

2011 IN REVIEW- Their coach was kind of a jerk about handshakes, they surprisingly won a lot of games, their star tight end was so happy he cried, and they were a couple of plays away from going to the super bowl.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star defensive end Aldon Smith (MUGSHOT– for sure bummed)

2012 OUTLOOK- Experts are saying they are going to regress and EVERYBODY IS FREAKING OUT ABOUT IT.

Arizona Cardinals

2011 IN REVIEW- They thought they found their quarterback, they didn’t, they lost more than they won.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Dude I’ve never heard of Ronald Talley (MUGSHOT– not the actual Ronald Talley)

2012 OUTLOOK- Their coach makes this face a lot this season

St. Louis Rams

2011 IN REVIEW- They lost, a lot

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Defensive end Robert Quinn (MUGSHOT– ooooh, very pensive)

2012 OUTLOOK- Things are a little chaotic over there since their potential defensive co-ordinator got into some hot water. New head coach Jeff Fischer will mustache and mullet his way to a few more wins.

Seattle Seahawks

2011 IN REVIEW- Skittles, so many Skittles.

OFFSEASON ARREST OF NOTE- Star running back Marshawn Lynch (MUGSHOT– super fucking pissed)

2102 OUTLOOK- Pete Carroll will talk a lot kind of weirdly, Richard Sherman will say my brother a lot

 

4th Quarter Poll for 12/26/11 Falcons vs. Saints

THE FINAL FOOTBALLZING OF THE SEASON! Saints vs. Falcons vs. booze!

pray for our livers

vs.

Falcon for the new millenium

vs.

let's hope we don't

DRUNKS

YES YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR CEREMONIAL WEEPING, for tonight is the final FOOTBALLZ of the season and what a season it has been. This happened, and this happened, and this happened, and this happened, and this happened a ton of times (but you didn’t hear it right? Cause you were listening to us, right? RIGHT?) AND IT WAS ALL AWESOME. Unfortunately, as all things do, our season must come to an end but we refuse to go out with a whimper (unless it is our hero) NO WE MUST GO OUT WITH A BANG (not in the sexy way you gross outs, we go out like a totally non-sexy explosion that is still awesome (although recently a non-football loving friend asked me what percentage of football plays are homoerotic and I had to say “all of them”, see also)), so to this end we are constructing the first (and possibly last) OFFICIAL FOOTBALLZ DRINKING GAME.

Now you must be aware, we are old dudes and have not played drinking games in some time so this may ruin us completely and the fourth quarter may be just the sounds of giggling/crying/vomiting (we will leave it up to you, loyal listener to guess which one of us will be doing each) so we are being a little conservative with our rules. Bellow are what we have so far, for clarity’s sake a “sip” will always be of beer and a “shot” will be of the most disgusting thing we can find at the liquor store that costs less than $30 before the game (my guess is that it will be this). Feel free to play along:

Any penalty= a sip

Illegal Touching= Finish your beer

Challenge flag= two sips

Overturned call= shot

Field goal= sip

Field goal of 50+ yards= finish your beer

Touchdown= two sips

Touchdown scored on a trick play (flea flicker, reverse, fake field goal/punt)= shot

safety= shot

Referee mic malfunction= sip

Referee mic malfunction that allows a swear to make it on the air= shot

Mike Tirico’s pink highlighter= sip

Jon Gruden gesticulating wildly= sip

Ron Jaworski  visibly upset= sip

Stuart Scott’s walk and talk Sportscenter preview= drink your beer until the segment is done

Feel free to reply with other suggestions or ideas, these rules may change before or during the game.

ALSO THERE IS A GAME, the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons with some important playoff seeding on the line. I kind said all I can about the Saints a few weeks ago, I can add that over the last couple of weeks they have gotten better and are really hitting their stride going into the playoffs and are probably the best bet to derail the Packers locomotive of winning (look at this lady standing next to it). The Falcons are kind of good? Maybe? Their quarterback still has a terrible nickname (and no, we will not be drinking Natty Ice for the game, that would be like choosing sides (mostly against ourselves)) and they are mad boring. BUT WHO CARES! TONIGHT WE BARF OUT PURE JOY! WON’T IT BE AWESOME TO LISTEN TO US RAMBLE AND THIS TIME SLUR OUR WORDS WHILE WE DO SO?! BECAUSE JEEZ, ISN’T IT HILARIOUS WHEN SEMI-FAMOUSE (THAT E IS THERE ON PURPOSE) PEOPLE GET DRUNK AND MAKE YOU PAY TO WATCH IT?! MAYBE YOU WILL GET DRUNK TOO AND HATE YOUR TUESDAY? DON’T WE ALL HAVE TO “WARM UP OUR LIVERS” FOR NEXT WEEK? WE HAVE THE ANSWERS TO NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS! BUT WE WILL HAVE OURSELVES AND YOU AND ALL OF THE FUN OF THE FINAL FOOTBALLZ GAME OF THE YEAR! WHAT SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED? FIND OUT TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

4th Quarter Poll for Steelers vs. 49ers

FOOTBALLZ WEEK 13! Stillers vs. Niners

You will see this dude in your nightmares

vs.

"dude, when is that rock soup going to be ready? All this hat wearin' is making me HUNGRY!"

LAST MINUTE SHOPPERS,

Last time we thought we had a good match up on a Monday we were sorely mistaken and for that we apologize (side note, I was watching Sunday’s games in NYC at a sports bar and there are few things better then watching apoplectic Giants fans, it really took the sting out of the terrible yet expensive club sandwich I choked down, GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!), but this week we are much more certain that this game will be good. We have two teams who are at the top of the league in the San Francisco 49ers and the Pittsburgh Steelers, playing for important playoff seeding, and all of this on national television, so we can hope that neither of these possible bed poopers do any pooping and we can present a broadcast that we won’t want to take a nap during around the 3rd quarter (granted it might be the insane amount of chinese food consumed before the show that contributes to our eventual somewhat somnambulant state but what do you want us to do before the game, drink these (if you said yes, you are the grossest and are not allowed to listen, however if you suggested this YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE ON THE SHOW (Chocolate Outrage is actually my nickname for James Harrison but more about him later))). This game should be a real doozy so let’s take a look at our teams.
The Pittsburgh Steelers are one of my least favorite teams in all of sports, it has nothing to do with the city of Pittsburgh which I find to be a beautiful town with crazy awesome sandwiches, no my problem is only with the team that is filled with assholes. Whether is be the cackling all the time dirtiest player in the NFL Hines Ward (I will link endorse these but I feel like you cannot discuss Hines Ward hate without seeing them), the flowing locks of their star safety Troy Polamalu, or any other towel loving turd on this team, they all annoy the shit out of me (PARDON MY FRENCH). Unfortunately for an apparent world wide group of fans (ugh) the Steelers might be without two of their prime dickbags for tonight’s contest. The aforementioned Chocolate Outrage himself, NFL villan, James Harrison is suspended for doing this, so 49ers players won’t have to worry so much about their careers ending tonight. There is also a possibility that quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be out with an ankle injury, but I wouldn’t get too stressed about it, that guy can come back from anything.

"seriously, I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek, if you do that trick where you turn your head we will NOT have a second date."

On the other side of the ball are the somewhat unknown San Francisco 49ers, who’s most notable moment in their surprising 10-3 campaign has came during a handshake . The Niners, playing in the NFL hinterlands of the NFC West, are gunning for the number two seed in the playoffs and a first round bye and the shoulders of an excellent defense and the decent play of one time bust Alex Smith at QB. They are a bit of a snooze but their gold pants game is pretty tight. Expect a lot of short passes and a steady diet of Frank Gore on offense (gross, right? sorry). BUT WHO CARES! WE ARE EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT IMPORTANT THINGS! LIKE ITS COOL TO JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE LAST BATMAN MOVIE BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO GET INTO SOME HEAVY PHILOSOPHICAL SHIT! THIS GAME IS THE EQUIVALENT OF THAT HEAVY SHIT! WE ARE GOING TO BE ON SOME REAL KIERKEGAARD BUSINESS TONIGHT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I KNOW I KANT! HAHA, RIGHT! I TOOK ONE SEMESTER OF THAT BULLSHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! SO GET READY JERKWATERS! IMPORT ON DISPLAY! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

Week 14 4th Quarter Poll!

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=skattles

WEEK 12! Rams v. Hawks

This is a terrible thing to drive

vs.

this is apparently a deficit hawk and the drawing is as stupid as those who support those views POLITICS!

Booglarizers,

THIS WEEK, OH MY THIS WEEK. Many many many people consider this the worst game of the Monday Night Football season, pitting the hapless St. Louis Rams (record: 2-10) against the somewhat less hapless Seattle Seahawks (5-7). Some people might even say that this is the biggest collection of slapdicks you’ll see on the field all year (well him and this guy). The only dick slapping that will be done by this writer Monday Night will the dick slaps of pure joy because he will get to watch his favorite team on national television. There is no greater joy for a fan then when his largely ignored by national media team gets to take the field in a prime time Monday Night game and tonight YOU ALL HAVE TO WATCH THE SEAHAWKS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

be happy this dude wears a helmet

Here is the thing though, the Seahawks are not super terrible. Though they have lost both their starting cornerbacks, 3/5th or their offensive line, and their prized free agent #1 wide receiver, all for the season I might add, they sit at 5-7 with an outside shot at the playoffs and it appears that they are only getting better as the season progresses. Sure, their quarterback was though by many to suck royally and their star running back is a skittles loving weirdo with a face only a mother could love (as a Seahawks fan I am required at any mention of Marshawn Lynch to link to this video and this gif) but they have run off wins in three of their last four games and their defense is young and underrated . Also their coach is either a really awesome dude or a lying asshole but one thing is for sure, he really talks like a goofball. NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM ALL NIGHT LONG SO BE READY JERKWATERS.

this is apt

On the other side of the ball are the St. Louis Rams and oh boy do they stink. They, like almost everyone, thought that this year would be different, that they were making the changes that would lead to more success, that their old bad habits were done, that they would finally quit their job/boyfriend/girlfriend/terrible autoerotic asphyxiation addiction that had kept them down for so long. Unfortunately for them this year has been like all the rest, they went and joined the gym and even bought fancy shorts and whistles only to walk guiltily by the entrance every day after work on their way to their 5:30 eating more pizza/shame appointment (or at least whatever the football equivalent is, they’re 2-10 for the season and what was thought to be a promising young team headed in the right direction is in shambles). They will hope tonight, possibly behind third string quarterback who looks like this (that photo is life size, don’t worry. I mean, yes, it would be awesome if he had a regular human body and his head was that small but then he’d have to use one of those mini helmets that came out of a vending machine), to start to turn their season around and save their coach’s job. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE DUMB LOSERS! THE SEAHAWKS ARE PLAYING TONIGHT AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS TO BLAH BLAH BLAH ABOUT THEM TO AN UNSUSPECTING (AND POSSIBLY VERY QUICKLY UNLISTENING) PUBLIC! GET READY TO REAP MY AURAL WHIRLWIND! LOCK YOUR HEADS IN THE FOOTBALL CELLAR WITH YOUR ATHLETIC SOCK PRESERVES AND YOUR DAD’S HIDDEN PORNO COLLECTION BECAUSE THIS ONE WILL BLOW YOUR EAR DOORS OFF! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

4th Quarter Pol for Jags vs. Chargers