you can add the “ers” yourself


Most of the season we have to sit through some serious garbage, matchups between overrated East Coast snoozers, young inept squads littering the field with mistakes, blowouts that are only close on the scoreboard, and games that were promising when the schedule was put together but have been robbed of their grandure by teams that have borne themselves out to be straight up piles of burning waste. This week, however, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. We have a ding dong of a GAME, a tussle (not to be confused with this) between two teams towards the tops of their respective division that is dripping with playoff implications (which I often am when stepping out of the shower, The Chicago Bears and their ferocious, very much like a bear (but not a panda), defense face off against the San Francisco 49ers and their almost equally ferocious, I guess maybe like a super drunk miner or one from this show, defense (now that I write it out it should be said that the two defenses will not actually face off against each other. I mean that could be cool as kind of an artist statement about the futility of sports/life in a world where we will all be stopped on fourth down (our deathbeds (which makes me think about what happens to beds when people die on them? Do they get re-used? Burned? Put into fancy historical museums where future people (when not escaping the horror floods of 2525) ride around on hoverboards seeing how the ancients croaked?)) eventually, maybe Matthew Barney could get in on this, he’s kind of a jock) in what should be a real slobberknocker (gross).

THE CHICAGO BEARS have been riding high this season on the shoulders of the aforementioned defense (like, six extra feet high?) and their penchant for takeaways (not to be confused with what appears to be some of their linemans’ penchant for ordering take away). That defense is led by cornerback Charles “Peanut” Tillman (not to be confused with this guy, this guy, or this guy (also, this dude has been in the NFL for like ten years and nobody has called him “Peanut “ till now, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I’m all for as many nicknames as possible (not from you though) but how did this name just spring out of nowhere? And how did all of the networks just decide that this year he’d be “Peanut” and not just regular Charles Tillman? I think this is another conspiracy by Roger Goodell to throw people off the whole concussion problem), Julius “Pretzel” Peppers, and Brian “Kind of Stale Off Brand Dorito” Urlacher, AKA The Party Mix (I wish SO MUCH that this was true, even though it is pretty gross, how could you not love that bag). Their offense was pretty decent as well until “Smokin” Jay Cutler went down last week with with a concussion, now Lovie Smith (that isn’t a nickname?) will turn the offense over to lifetime ineffective QB Jason “if I had a nickname it would be the dude that Mike Shanahan hates the most, either that or Soup” Campbell and hope that with the help of Matt “why doesn’t he get the ball more often, using it well seems to be his” Forte and Brandon “just because I am an advocate for mental illness it doesn’t mean you should look askance every time I do something stupid” Marshall.

THE SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS are also known mostly for their defense, though it does not have the nickname power of the Bears’ it still plays extremely well under the leadership of coach/whiny angry baby who can walk upright and wear khakis Jim Harbaugh. They have tremendous linebacker play (while the world still waits for the tremendous linebacker play to hit broadway, this doesn’t count) and that unit is led by perennial defensive player of the year candidate Patrick Willis and he is kind of boring when he exercises.  Their offense relies on a strong running game that leans heavily on veteran who’s beliefs on climate change we’re still unsure of Frank Gore (no relation) but he is often spelled (pretty easily ZING! See, cause the name Frank Gore is pretty easy to spell, oh you got it? Sorry, I missed hearing the gales of laughter that usually accompany such a well placed pun) by both Kendall Hunter (no relation) and Anthony Dixon (no relation). We may also see the Niners’ backup QB this time out as starter who would have been thrown out the window if Peyton Manning came a calling Alex Smith also got his bell rung, so second year man/triangle head Colin Kaepernick may take the helm, expect him to run around and look nervous a lot. WE WILL DO NEITHER THINGS! THE RUNNING AROUND JUST ISN’T POSSIBLE IF YOU WANT TO HAVE AN EFFECTIVE BROADCAST INTO MICROPHONES AND IT IS HARD TO BE NERVOUS AFTER CONSUMING 5 POUNDS OF CHINESE FOOD! WE WILL ALSO HAVE A GUEST PRODUCER, FOOTBALLZ COLUMNIST AND REAL LIVE BROWNS FAN MATT PARISH! AS WELL AS A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH GENTLEMAN/TEXAN/ARTIST/NEW YORK CITY RESIDENT COLBY BIRD! SO MANY PEOPLE AFTER TWO WEEKS OF JUST MAC AND TD! IT’LL PROBABLY BE WEIRD! JUST AS WEIRD AS YOU LIKE IT (WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS PRETTY WEIRD YOU WEIRD WEIRDOS)! WE’LL WEIRD UP YOU EARS! LIKE A Q-TIP THAT INSTEAD OF COTTON HAS A WEIRD SWAB AT THE END! AND INSTEAD OF REMOVING EARWAX AND FEELING SO SO GOOD EVEN THOUGH PEOPLE TELL YOU IT IS UNHEALTHY IT WILL DEPOSIT THE WEIRDNESS STILL FEEL GOOD AND BE COMPLETELY TERRIBLE FOR YOU NO DOUBT! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! EHAODHAOIFOINRUHFOUAHRWFROFURFOH!



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