Hello NERDS,

WELCOME BACK to another year of FOOTBALLZ, your one and only live streaming alternative play-by-play to Monday Night Football. Oh yes, we have returned and in case you forgot this is how we do it, our two hosts provide a comedic style alternative broadcast to your regular monday night football games with musical accompaniment during the commercial breaks. It has been a long long offseason fraught with a labor stoppage, endless bickering, and really really really boring blog posts. While we probably could have pulled off LABORLAWBALLZ (with special guests) I think we all agree that we are better off. It also made the offseason sneak up on us like a little Ellen hiding in our brain bathrooms waiting to strike at our Taylor Swift-like sense of relaxation and after the initial shock we rolled around on the floor laughing and hugging because the whole thing was SO AWESOME. For real, it was like a three week full body sneeze on peyote of activity that landed tons of new players on tons of new teams and made every beat writer pen this dumb story, SO MANY DUDES GOT NEW SHIRTS. The two teams for the first game of OUR SEASON stayed pretty much the same (with a couple exceptions) but we will get to that later because we have RELATIVELY BIG NEWS.

We here at FOOTBALLZ hq spent a lot of the offseason (well, like a couple of weeks, not counting the week we were at Burning Man checking out Rony Seikaly’s set) moving to our NEW WEBSITE (boy that virtual moving day was so hard, so glad we got that virtual pizza after). This NEW WEBSITE will not only feature the regular live stream and chat (which should allow swearing and all the emoticons) but will also be updated throughout the week with all sorts of new features: power rankings, weekly music set lists, jokes, blog-like posts, and a host of other bullshit that you will come to love (or loath (or lathe)). PLUS every week, pending TD getting his shit together, there will be a 5-10 minute highlights podcast of the best moments from the previous week’s broadcast, stay tuned to our NEW WEBSITE for more information on this as it becomes available. ALSO, there is a distinct possibility that we’ll be attempting another live show (or a few) this season, we are in talks with on of the city’s many sports establishments about perhaps doing it even once a month, once again check the NEW WEBSITE for details.

BUT NOW ON TO OUR FIRST MATCH UP, between the currently undefeated New England Patriots and the also undefeated Miami Dolphins, though before game’s end one of them will no longer be (undefeated I mean, it would be weird if the team that lost just disappeared, perhaps to play against the norse demons to prevent ragnarok? In that case I hope the Pats lose because I hear those norse demons are great against the run and have a lousy secondary). The Pats made the aforementioned big moves (including cutting the worst pro bowler ever) but remained the pretty much the same and will as long as they employ Tom Brady (who apparently spent the entire lockout suing people, really enjoying carnival, and just walking around with Mos Def, excuse me Yasiin) and Bill Belichick (who really likes fishing). Now the Dolphins on the other hand wanted to make changes but couldn’t, they wanted a new quarterback (or at least their fans did) but couldn’t land him and have another year of Chad Henne (who in addition to being named Chad, might be the worst). In short, Miami looks pretty miserable, but at least their coach can wear sunglasses all the time (I was thinking about making a joke about how I might prefer to take hot grease to my eyes to watching the Miami Dolphins this season but then thought of all the blind people in the world who would give everything to just see a beautiful sunrise once and got really really bummed out so if you thought about making that joke you are an asshole, MORAL JUDGEMENTS RULE). ANYWAY this game will feature a lot of football and that is all we really care about, SO WELCOME BACK DUMMIES AND THANK YOU PLAYERS FOR RISKING YOUR FUTURE MENTAL HEALTH FOR OUR ENTERTAINMENT! ALL OF THIS AND MORE TONIGHT AT 7PM (eastern)! TUNE IN AT WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Footballz Team

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