WEEK 12! Rams v. Hawks

This is a terrible thing to drive

vs.

this is apparently a deficit hawk and the drawing is as stupid as those who support those views POLITICS!

Booglarizers,

THIS WEEK, OH MY THIS WEEK. Many many many people consider this the worst game of the Monday Night Football season, pitting the hapless St. Louis Rams (record: 2-10) against the somewhat less hapless Seattle Seahawks (5-7). Some people might even say that this is the biggest collection of slapdicks you’ll see on the field all year (well him and this guy). The only dick slapping that will be done by this writer Monday Night will the dick slaps of pure joy because he will get to watch his favorite team on national television. There is no greater joy for a fan then when his largely ignored by national media team gets to take the field in a prime time Monday Night game and tonight YOU ALL HAVE TO WATCH THE SEAHAWKS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

be happy this dude wears a helmet

Here is the thing though, the Seahawks are not super terrible. Though they have lost both their starting cornerbacks, 3/5th or their offensive line, and their prized free agent #1 wide receiver, all for the season I might add, they sit at 5-7 with an outside shot at the playoffs and it appears that they are only getting better as the season progresses. Sure, their quarterback was though by many to suck royally and their star running back is a skittles loving weirdo with a face only a mother could love (as a Seahawks fan I am required at any mention of Marshawn Lynch to link to this video and this gif) but they have run off wins in three of their last four games and their defense is young and underrated . Also their coach is either a really awesome dude or a lying asshole but one thing is for sure, he really talks like a goofball. NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM ALL NIGHT LONG SO BE READY JERKWATERS.

this is apt

On the other side of the ball are the St. Louis Rams and oh boy do they stink. They, like almost everyone, thought that this year would be different, that they were making the changes that would lead to more success, that their old bad habits were done, that they would finally quit their job/boyfriend/girlfriend/terrible autoerotic asphyxiation addiction that had kept them down for so long. Unfortunately for them this year has been like all the rest, they went and joined the gym and even bought fancy shorts and whistles only to walk guiltily by the entrance every day after work on their way to their 5:30 eating more pizza/shame appointment (or at least whatever the football equivalent is, they’re 2-10 for the season and what was thought to be a promising young team headed in the right direction is in shambles). They will hope tonight, possibly behind third string quarterback who looks like this (that photo is life size, don’t worry. I mean, yes, it would be awesome if he had a regular human body and his head was that small but then he’d have to use one of those mini helmets that came out of a vending machine), to start to turn their season around and save their coach’s job. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE DUMB LOSERS! THE SEAHAWKS ARE PLAYING TONIGHT AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS TO BLAH BLAH BLAH ABOUT THEM TO AN UNSUSPECTING (AND POSSIBLY VERY QUICKLY UNLISTENING) PUBLIC! GET READY TO REAP MY AURAL WHIRLWIND! LOCK YOUR HEADS IN THE FOOTBALL CELLAR WITH YOUR ATHLETIC SOCK PRESERVES AND YOUR DAD’S HIDDEN PORNO COLLECTION BECAUSE THIS ONE WILL BLOW YOUR EAR DOORS OFF! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

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