Week 11! Bolts vs. Jags!

sure this one WAS easy


this one is for the Power Pop Pop Pop

Exploding Banana Faces,

This week is perhaps the nadir of our humble schedule (some might point to next week’s Seattle-St. Louis game, but we here at Footballz are excited for that in ways we will explain in our next preview), the San Diego Chargers and the Jacksonville Jaguars are two utterly mediocre teams playing for very little here at three quarters left in the season. Fortunately this is why we exist, to elevate mediocrity with our own brand of mediocrity, like when a double negative makes a positive (litotes! (confession, I did just look that up on wikipedia and no matter how many weird looking dudes stare right at me I will never ever ever ever read a personal appeal)) or when two kind of okay looking people stand next to each other and you just get used to okay looking people so you think they look better than okay (I looked on wikipedia and there is no term for this, I’ll call it in mediaface res). We will lash ourselves to the sinking hull of this game and you should watch/listen to us drown as we make Guy Whimper jokes. What is for sure the most exciting thing about this game outside of Guy Whimper is that both these teams pretty much have no coaches but in very different ways, let’s delve into that CA-RAZY CA-NUNDRUM.

Our Hero

The Jacksonville Jags don’t have a coach in a more conventional way, they fired the awesomely named (but no Guy Whimper) but not so awesomely equipped to coach Jack Del Rio and handed over the reigns to kind of boringly named possibly capable defensive co-ordinator Mel Tucker. Fortunately for Jags fans (all 25 of them) the defense has been the bright spot in an otherwise terrible year, ranked second by Football Outsiders advanced metrics that are made up of equations that I cannot understand because math lost me at trigonometry (THANKS MS. PANKY! (side ms. panky related TD’s high school experience note, we tried to name our desk cluster the Sex Pistols for one semester and she made us shorten it to The Pistols, she was also the cheerleader coach)). Mel will have to try to get something out of rookie quarterback “Nothing Ever Happens In” Blaine Gabbert or else the fine folks of Florida (who already seem a little pissed) will hate him and his ass face.

Yes Norv, we were shocked about the firing too

The San Diego Chargers are in a different coach situation (not to be confused with the many wacky situations that occurred on Craig T. Nelson’s Coach), you see it seems like after many seasons of will they or won’t they (which never happened on Coach) the Chargers brass will finally fire Norv Turner (what will these guys or these guys do?) at the end of the season and that sucks. If I was Norv the rest of the season would be all about trying the plays that I dreamed up in my head but were too scared to try (and stealing office supplies). Like this one or this one and definitely this one or if he didn’t like those he could just let his kicker piss all over the field. Unfortunately Norv will just do what he’s always done as a head coach, do his job terribly. SO TONIGHT! WITNESS THIS EPIC MATCH BETWEEN THE FRESHLY HIRED AND THE SOON TO BE FIRED! OH YES IT WILL BE DELICIOUS! LIKE A FRITO PIE! IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF SOMEONE BAKED US A FRITO PIE! 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!


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