FOOTBALLZ WEEK 3! PACKERS V. CHIEFS!

 

this dude was names Packer, he ate his pals. How long would it take for Packer fans to eat each other in event of a tragedy? I think it would depend on the availability of fried cheese curds to go with the human flesh

this dude was names Packer, he ate his pals. How long would it take for Packer fans to eat each other in event of a tragedy? I think it would depend on the availability of fried cheese curds to go with the human flesh

vs.

this person is so ur-Kansas City looking that he should be the new Chiefs mascot

this person is so ur-Kansas City looking that he should be the new Chiefs mascot

Flowing Clothes Wearers,

I got through all of week 2 without breaking all the equipment! YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH! Now we can move on to week 3! The week when everyone remembers that this is a brutal game because tons of people are already injured! Star wide receivers! Star quarterbacks! Decent cornerbacks! AND THAT’S JUST THE COWBOYS (and even though, yes, I know, we shouldn’t wish injury on other people, IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED TO A NICER BUNCH OF DUDES)! Kind of puts the pain that one might feel when their team loses into perspective (HAHA NO, MY PAIN IS UNENDING AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW ITS DEPTH). We must soldier on though… somehow… though all of this brutality… I… must… find… a way… to make… jokes… about… this… week’s… game. SO WE WILL!

THE GREEN BAY PACKERS are good, we all know that, they were a series of terrible decisions (if you thought I wasn’t going to link to that after the Packers beat my Seahawks last week, YOU ARE A DUMB) away from being in the Super Bowl last year. They have the best quarterback in the NFL (his lame ass dubsmashes notwithstanding (famous people should not get attention for doing the dumb pointless things that us normals do for fun. Rodgers and girlfriend Olivia Munn’s videos are like the humor equivalent of Dogstar). They have lost star receiver Jordy Nelson for the season (and thus we have been robbed our annual tradition of speaking at length about Jordy the rapping French baby from the 90s, DAMN YOU INJURIES!) and are banged up at other spots on the roster as well. They also still employ author of so many of those bad decisions (I have no shame, I’ll link it twice) last year, the in-another-life-a-gym-teacher-that-nobody-really-likes coach Mike McCarthy. He’s given up his play calling reigns which lead to those bad decisions (THREE TIMES, I DON’T AF) to Offensive Co-ordinator Tom Clements so maybe all of those bad decisions (YEAAAAHHHHH DOOOOOOOOOGGGGG, I’VE GONE LINK CRAZY) will be in the past. Who knows though, we’re two weeks into a season that even at its end will have barely given up enough information to come to any conclusions. Also a lot of people think of Green Bay as a charming little town that has a world class football team but never forget that in the last election Brown County, the home of the Packers, gave human embodiment of a print-on-demand copy of the Fountainhead and former Presidential candidate Scott Walker his highest margin of victory percentage wise in the entire state. NOT SO COOL NOW ARE THEY.

THE KANSAS CITY CHEIFS are 2-0, oh no, wait, they got punched in the gut last week by their division rivals, so they’re 1-1 and that isn’t horrible since they’ve played pretty well over this minimal amount of season. Quarterback Alex Smith is still very Alex Smithy (which is not quite as bad but kind of the football equivalent of Alan Smithee), he’s not going to lose you a lot of games but he isn’t going to win you many either. He still has a problem with not throwing touchdown passes to wide receivers but when you have Jamal Charles (when he isn’t breaking your heart by fumbling in the last second of a game then getting mocked by JIM NANTZ OF ALL PEOPLE (SORRY CHIEFS FANS, it’s only fair after the repeated sadlinks in the Packers section) and football puncher Travis Kelce you can get away with that. They’re still coached by subject of the greatest gif ever Andy Reid so there will probably be some questionable clock management issues and the odd look of disbelief on his face during the game. BUT TONIGHT! THERE WILL BE ONLY DISBELIEF! THAT ANOTHER EDITION OF FOOTBALLZ WILL BE BROADCAST! WHICH REALLY! WE’VE BEEN DOING THIS PRETTY MUCH EVERY MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL GAME FOR LIKE SEVEN YEARS! SO EVERYBODY SHOULD BE READY! BUT TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! LIVE FROM QUEENS! IN A HOUSE FILLED WITH PACKED BOXES BECAUSE I’M MOVING SOON AND IT SUCKS! NOT ANYWHERE FAR AWAY OR ANYTHING! JUST A FEW BLOCKS! I KNOW THAT YOU WERE CONCERNED! ALSO TONIGHT! ANOTHER CHANCE TO WIN ONE OF OUR AWESOME PATCHES! ALONG WITH A BIZARRE CARD GAME THAT I BOUGHT AT THE YARD SALE OF A FAMOUS ARTIST:

these are this week's prizes!

these are this week’s prizes!

TO WIN GO TO OUR FACEBOOK PAGE, LIKE IT, THEN CAPTION THE PHOTO WE’LL PUT UP RIGHT BEFORE GAME TIME! THE CAPTION WE LIKE BEST GETS THE PATCH AND THE WEIRD CARD GAME THAT WAS ONCE TOUCHED BY THE HANDS OF A PERSON WHO MADE ART THAT YOU HAVE FOR SURE SEEN AND LIKED UNLESS YOU HATE GOOD THINGS! TONIGHT! AT 8:30 PM! HERE! AND AT THE CLASSICAL! WE’RE GONNA MAKE LIKE THAT CREEPY HOME DEPOT BUCKET AND DOOOOOOOOOOOO THHHHIIIIIISSSSSSS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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