FOOTBALLZ WEEK 2! JETS V. COLTS!

There are a lot of Jets fans that look like this dude and they haven't spent the better part of their lives getting kicked in the face

There are a lot of Jets fans that look like this dude and they haven’t spent the better part of their lives getting kicked in the face (I mean metaphorically they have)

vs.

I think we're finally ready for another movie star named Ruth

I think we’re finally ready for another movie star named Ruth

Hocus Pocusers,

Week two my poops and those old feelings are back. The joy when your team wins, the unending pit of despair that makes you wonder if you’ve ever really been happy about anything in your life when your team loses. How many of you have been in full media blackout since week one because your team totally shit the bed? In week one I managed to shorten the time to a solid four hours where no one around me was allowed to talk about, look at, or be shaped like a football. I feel like this is either a sign of maturity or that my fan-ship is waining (OR MAYBE THEY’RE BOTH THE SAME THING??!?!?!?!) so here’s to whatever that means. NO MATTER HOW MATURE OR OF AS MUCH OF A FAN AS I MIGHT BE I  MUST PREVIEW OUR GAME FOR TONIGHT AND TONIGHT WE GET TO SEE THE JETS! And also the Colts, but the Jets are much funnier, so let’s get to it shall we?

THE NEW YORK JETS are 1-0! Hey! That’s something! After years of defining what moribund means (it means dying and also lack of vigor, no I did not have to look that up) you take what you can get. Sure, they’re missing their starting quarterback who did this once (if you don’t have time to watch the video or don’t want to see some sad business it’s some pretty bad footballing) because another dude on the team punched him in the face over $600 and one of their best defensive players is having some problems (if you don’t want to read that whole thing, he’s was driving real fast with guns and pot and a 12 year old in a car while he was already on suspension for other pot related stuff (WHY AM I SO EXPLAINY TODAY? I need to trust you guys more)), but this is the Jets YOU TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET. It doesn’t matter that last week they played one of the worst teams in the NFL, 1-0 IS 1-0 and I’m sure I’ll be seeing plenty of proud Chad Pennington jersey wearing locals come Monday night, plus both the Mets AND the Islanders have been good this year so who knows? At least the game is in Indianapolis and not New Jersey so we won’t have to deal with this asshole.

THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS are not 1-0 they are in fact 0-1 after getting turned into a garbage plate by the Bills and they’re all probably bumming because this is kind of the last year they have before superstar quarterback and Ted Levine sound-alike Andrew Luck has to get paid all of the money. After that their salary cap will be as tight as my honey baked ham after an afternoon at Planet Fitness (if it’s butt day). Speaking of Planet Fitness, the Colt’s general manager Ryan Grigson really likes to exercise. That would be fine if some of his choices as gm worked out a little bit more (but in a different way, you know what I mean guys, right?). So far he’s drafted Luck, which I could have done, and then like TY Hilton and then that’s about it. Luck has carried them to the playoff each year he’s been in league and if they stumble now people are going to be looking at that weight set Grigson keeps in his office and think about how a scrapbooking station might go better there. YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY GO WELL THERE? AN EPISODE OF FOOTBALLZ! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WILL GO WELL ANYPLACE YOU ARE! MONDAY NIGHT! 8:30PM! LIVE! FROM QUEENS! WITH IN STUDIO GUEST HOST RYAN DOUGLASS! AND A FOURTH QUARTER PHONE CALL FROM VICE SPORTS’ DAVID ROTH! PLUS YOUR FIST CHANCE TO WIN ONE OF OUR AWESOME NEW PATCHES (THAT’S A PHOTO FROM OUR NEW INSTAGRAM, HERE’S A HINT, WINNING THE PATCH WILL PROBABLY NECESSITATE FOLLOWING OUR INSTAGRAM) PLUS ANOTHER SPECIAL WEIRD PRIZE! LISTEN IN AT 8:30 TO FIND OUT HOW TO WIN! A PATCH! BUT ALSO IN LIFE! FOOOOOOTTTTTTBBBBBBAAAALLLLLZZZZZ!

 

 

 

 

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