Week Seven! Ravens Vs. Jags

this game will not be so

vs.

well now I wish TV shows played each other instead of football players

HELLO! (I’m Shelly Duval)

Oh my, this week we have what should be a bit of a snooze (have you looked at the MNF schedule this year, “should be a bit of a snooze” should replace “are you ready for some football” as the catch-phrase) as we travel for the first of two (yes TWO) games this season in Jacksonville (my question, does Tirico have a lady stashed down there or something? Maybe let’s him put on the cazals to feel young and virile again or something) to watch the Baltimore Ravens (I guess? I feel like people should just say play, I know it sounds kind of pansy-ish but the battle thing is like ugh) battle the Jacksonville Jaguars. The Ravens this year look good, the Jaguars (heretofore referred to as Jags, mostly because is makes me giggle) look bad, so maybe this will be a blowout but maybe, just maybe, our day will be saved by a man named Blaine.

we believe in you too

Yes, Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, (our actual Blaine falls somewhere between one and three I think) is the rookie quarterback who is not really setting anything on fire (except for the Jag’s chances at the playoff in the very wide open AFC south) for the Jacksonville eleven. BUT GUYS HE’S NAMED BLAINE, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME THERE WAS A SPORTS PERSON NAMED BLAINE? Sure the National Sports Center that everybody knows about all the time not just because they googled “Blaine Sports” just now, is in Blaine MN but that doesn’t count, this is a living breathing Blaine (who I hoped was the illegitimate child of Molly Ringwald, though she probably calls him Ducky in letters) who walks the football field and that is awesome. He may be good and he may be bad but he’ll always be Blaine, and we’ll take that. Also Maurice Jones Drew is still awesome.

 

you cannot stop us from showing and linking to this image

The Ravens have been so good at defense over the years that it is as boring as their all black uniforms (now if they did the Haka before the game that would make the uniforms a bit better. Ray Lewis would most likely love it but it would probably end up more like this, which was GROSS) but they also have a weird quarterback and an awesome running back. Joe Flacco, Delaware pronounced Fla-coo, has an amazing unibrow and Ray Rice is awesome. SO THESE TEAMS ARE LIKE OFFENSIVE MIRRORS! EXCEPT ONE MIRROR HAS A LOT OF WATER DAMAGE BUT NEEDS SOME WORK! IT SURE DOES LOOK INTERESTING THOUGH! AND FOR THE PRICE! I MEAN JEEZ IT IS A STEAL! NEW MIRRORS ARE MAD EXPENSIVE! ANYWAY, WE KIND OF MAILED THIS ONE IN! WE KNOW! IT’S BECAUSE AFTER THIS BROADCAST WE ARE TAKING A TWO WEEK HIATUS TO DO ANOTHER THING! DON’T WORRY THOUGH! WE’LL BE BACK TO POISON YOUR BRAINS WITH MUSIC AND TALK AND SWEAR WORDS IN NOVEMBER! BUT TONIGHT! LISTEN FOR THE LAST TIME BEFORE YOU HAVE TO START THINKING ABOUT WHAT SEXY COSTUME YOU ARE GOING TO WEAR! I SAY SEXY GARBAGE CAN! 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

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