WEEK SIX! JETS VS. DOLPHINS!

 

this would be so much awesomer

vs.

from the photo series "Producer Ken's Tattoos"

 

BUTT DANCE!

Yes we butt dance this week, butt dance with joy for another week of glorious football (sorry basketball fans, we will hide our butt dance from your faces so as not to gloat over the NFL’s ability to get its labor shit together). But our butt dance this week is tempered, tempered with what you ask? THIS WEEK WE TEMPER OUR BUTT DANCE WITH RIGHTEOUS ANGER, DAMN YOU NFL SCHEDULERS AND ESPN MAKING US DO THIS. You see this week’s game stiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnkkkkkkkkkkssssss and not even in an interesting way. Tonight we watch the Miami Dolphins (legit terrible) and the New York Jets (who everyone outside on the Tri-State Area knows are terrible) and unlike past (last week) and future terrible (hello multiple appearances from the Kansas City Chiefs) games WE HAVE SEEN THESE TEAMS A MILLION TIMES AND ARE SO VERY VERY TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT THEM, but since we have locked ourselves into doing this thing every week we’ll give it a shot anyway (and by locked in I mean our desire to hear our own voices broadcast out into the ether cannot be quenched).

SO LETS TALK ABOUT THE JETS, blah blah blah this dude (“hey my game has more holes than that sweater”) blah blah snack blah blah blah feet. I THINK WE GET IT, but wait there is something outside of this overhyped snooze of a team to talk about. You see a couple of weeks ago we did perhaps our most joyous butt dance of all time when poster boy for an increase in the estate tax, Hank Williams Jr., was finally removed from the intro to Monday Night Football. We wondered, on and off the air, what ESPN would to replace the most horrifying one and half minutes of our weeks (a blank screen mourning the loss of intellect inflected on the american people by the intro’s presence for all of those years would have sufficed for me) and were totally cool when they decided to let a local legend from the home town team of that night’s game handle it. Last week was Barry Sanders, totally awesome choice for Detroit and it seemed like it would be cool to try to guess who they would pick every week to represent the home team. This week’s game will be in New York (actually Jersey) so who would they pick? The obvious is always Joe Namath, but he has proven to be a bit of a, ahem, wild card over the years. Given all the famous people from the greatest city in the world, you’d think they could come up with a heavyweight start the show (No Chris Christie-o), but who do we get? FUCKING FIREMAN ED. agjasdnfounqsaunvunfdsaudncnafvnasdvocnaiosvnciocnsd, this dude is the WORST. Its cool, you invented a chant, you really like the Jets, and you obviously have little else going on but jeez, you don’t have to be such a dick about everything. THANKS ESPN FOR RUINING THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BROADCAST IN YEARS CAN’T WAIT TILL THIS DUDE INTROS NEXT WEEK’S RAVENS/JAGUARS GAME.

Ah, now onto the Dolphins, who stink, they really really stink, and after losing their maybe pretty stinky quarterback for the rest of the season they look to somehow stink more (perhaps that’s why they signed a dude named Sage, ugh so so so so sorry for that one). Who will save us with something to talk about other than the kind of stink lines that should be coming off of this team? Will it be their coach Mr. Cool Guy Sunglasses? Or perhaps their possibly undead minority share owner? If you guessed their bi-polar wide receiver YOU WOULD BE CORRECT. It appears that Brandon Marshall wants to fight and get ejected from this game and I say GO FOR IT DUDE! TONIGHT OUR EYES WILL BE ONE YOUR FISTS! LET THEM FLY BUDDY! LET THEM FLY FREE SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT! WE PROMISE TO RESPECT YOUR VERY BRAVE DECISION TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS! AND YOU, READER! LISTEN TONIGHT! AT 8:30 PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! BUTT DANCES FOR EVERYONE!

Thanks,

The Footballz Team

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