FOOTBALLZ WEEK FIVE! SEAHAWKS V. ____________!

THEY ARE THE BEST

THEY ARE THE BEST

vs.

yes, this again

yes, this again

Champions,

Did you hear? THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS ARE THE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD (when it comes to football, I mean they are probably also champions of the known universe since it isn’t probable that football is played on other planets, BUT WHAT IF IT WAS? What if aliens totally were into football? I feel like this might have been a late episode of X Files, like when they had Terminator 2 on there) and now you people are going to have to listen to me talk about it for like three hours! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look, life as a Seattle sports fan sucked for the better part of my conscious existence  and I’m feeling a little gloat-ey. Anyway, this week sees a game between good, the team I like, and more or less evil. Usually any other team that is playing the team I like qualifies for evil in my addled mind but in this instance the ownership of the Washington DC football team has shown itself to be a little more evil then your regular run of the mill sports team owner (and all sports owners are at least a little bit evil). You know Dan Snyder is evil because of this photo, j/k, he is evil because of, you know, THE RACISM (also maybe because of the carpet/wallpaper combo in whatever room that photo was taken in, that place looks like the waiting room for hell’s dentist). Enough about good and evil, jeez like we don’t have enough on that subject already, and let’s preview these teams filled with humans who are never truly good or bad but the crazy mix that inhabits us all!

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS were put on this earth to test me by an angry and vengeful god who, due to my devotion to him, allowed them to win the Super Bowl and become the champions that they are and thereby make me a champion because I rooted for them. HAHAHAHAHAHA, nope, the Seattle Seahawks are a group of human beings who I will probably never meet who have worked all of their lives to play a sport that might kill them. They are a mix of kinds of people, they do good things and they do bad things. They do not care that I like them (well, I can’t really tell if that’s true, I can assume, I mean I’m sure they are psyched to get the $30 I paid for a hat once (also, why are sports caps so expensive now? Not to be all Andy Rooney, but I feel like they were like, ten buck when I was a kid. Are they made of some sort of space aged polymer now?)) and my support has had nothing to do with their success or failure over the course of my 30+ years of doing so. You know what though, they are going to kick the Washington DC football team’s ass all over the field tonight and I worked my ass off this week and I’M GOING TO LOVE EVERY SECOND OF IT.

THE WASHINGTON DC FOOTBALL TEAM is not filled with racists, the dudes who play on the field are not so different from their counterparts that play for the Seahawks. The crucial difference is that their owner is somewhere between a bit of a dick and a complete raging asshole, who refuses to acknowledge that his team’s current mascot is offensive and has been defined as such BY THE FUCKING DICTIONARY. Go ahead and watch the Daily Show piece about the whole thing, they get paid to be smarter and funnier about this stuff then I do (are of course they are). The actual team is kind of meh, they employ the brother of one of the ESPN personalities who will cover this game so that kind of sucks. They also are currently quarterbacked by a guy named Kirk, their previous franchise QB who they paid dearly for is currently nursing an ankle injury and may never play for the team again (don’t be sad for him, he’ll always have that weird sandwich bust that his corporate sponsor, Subway, made). Kirk has been not super terrible but also not super great but he’s a white dude so some people hope he remains the starter because that’s how some white people are. NOT US THOUGH! WE THINK DUDES NAMED KIRK STINK! AND SHOULD BE SENT THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE FOR ETERNITY! AND TONIGHT! WE WILL FREE YOU FROM THE APARTMENT ABOVE THE GARAGE OF YOUR BRAIN! TO FROLIC IN THE FIELDS OF MIRTH AND MERRIMENT! AND FOOTBALL! AND WE WILL DO IT WITH A HALFTIME INTERVIEW OF HILARIOUS COMEDIC PERSON MEHRAN KHAGHANI! AND A CALL FROM WILL BRINSON OF CBS SPORTS! I WILL TRY NOT ASK HIM WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE IN A FANTASY LEAGUE WITH JIM PARSONS, TED DANSON, AND DAVID CARUSO’S SUNGLASSES! BECAUSE THAT WOULD OFFEND! AND I ONLY OFFEND THOSE WHO CANNOT HEAR ME A REPLY! BECAUSE I’VE ALWAY BEEN A COWARD! AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR ME! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! THE GREATEST TEAM IN ALL OFF PROFESSIONAL SPORPS AGAINST A GROUP OF TOTAL RACISTS! YOU KNOW WHO I’LL BE ROOTING FOR! NO, NOT THE RACISTS YOU TURD! THE SEAHAWKS! THEY BETTER PLAY WELL OR THIS EPISODE WILL JUST BE ME GROANING AND THROWING MY HAT ON THE FLOOR! BUT THAT, IN A WAY, IS COMPELLING! SO MAYBE LISTEN TO HEAR MY PERSONALITY SPLINTER INTO A THOUSAND PIECES! LIVE! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ! SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRPPPPPPPSSSSSSS!

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