FOOTBALLZ WEEK THREE! JETS V. BEARS! LIVE FROM MY HOUSE!

These dudes are wearing the classic New York Titans colors for their rumble

These dudes are wearing the classic New York Titans colors for their rumble

vs.

this for sure happened in the midwest

this for sure happened in the midwest

Caffeine Lovers,

ANOTHER WEEK OF SUPER COOL NFL NEWS! THE VIKINGS RELEASED THE PERSON WHO DID THIS! FOR WEED! Sure it was a lot of weed and continued a series of incidents of drug and alcohol “abuse” but the Vikings are still paying someone who did this to their child (warning, some graphic images in that post)! SUPER COOL DUDES! Also there is this whole thing which ughguguhguhfgufnbaiunfu, I can’t, I just can’t. Whatever, FOOTBALLZ IS HAPPENING AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT! Usually I have to travel because I’ve lived in crappy apartments with no cable and now I live in NYC while the rest of the FOOTBALLZ team lives in MA. This week everybody else is in town to play this thing (which I guess you should check out while listening to FOOTBALLZ on your iphone or whatever? Also this means that the show might start with just me talking, FINALLY!) so they all have to come over to my less crappy apartment (we’ve been cleaning all morning so that’s why this is going up late, I type with hands that have recently cleaned a toilet) that still has no cable. WAIT WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? How are we going to do this without having cable? WE ARE GOING TO DO WHAT ANY RIGHT THINKING NFL FAN SHOULD DO AND STEAL THIS SHIT! We have our regular places that we boost this stuff from but if you have any suggestions feel free to email them to FOOTBALLZTALK AT GMAIL DOT COM. That being said this may lead to some strange lag time issues so this may the most disconcerting to listen to live FOOTBALLZ ever! Now with all those caveats out of the way, let’s preview the game!

THE NEW YORK JETS may be the only NYC sports team that I can stand (maybe also the Mets, but for sure not the Nets). Rex Ryan is a weirdo and that is awesome. Also they, unlike their stadium mates who’s grey pants have disturbed me since time immemorial, have great uniforms. For a while they were so pathetic that it was just sad, but this year they have been not completely horrible and were on the verge of beating the Packers at home last week (till a very Jets thing happened). They have a great defensive line which includes a dude named Sheldon AND a dude named Muhammad and if that is not a pair of names destined for the lead characters of a modern buddy cop sitcom I don’t know what is. Their cornerbacks are a concern, I know this because during the 15 minutes I listen to The Fan while I’m in the shower everyday there is always at least one call about them and it has become part of my beauty ritual. I cannot apply the heavy amounts of foundation that are required to cover my hideous face and allow me to go out in public until I’ve heard a dude from Paramus talk about how terrible Dee Milliner is. Their offense is still pretty bad but their QB is named Geno and that is a better name than Mark or Matt. In short they are as always The Jets, but they seem slightly less Jetsy than normal this time around and in what seems to be a down year for the AFC East that might just work.

THE CHICAGO BEARS are still coached by the weird haired Marc Trestman (seriously, what is going on there? I think he should just go full plugs and a jheri curl) who has made this offense into something nice to look at, like a wonderful painting by say a Modigliani. This is great because the pre-Trestman Bears offense under Lovie Smith (who has not fared well since his return to coaching) looked more like this. The defense is pretty meh and especially so since they lost veteran cornerback/ball puncher (not as gross as it sounds) Peanut Tillman for the season. That offense can paper things over with the work of the kind of cute in this video Jay that smokin meme was so last year Cutler and twin tower wide receivers Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jefferey (though it seems like neither could play tonight so WHOOPS!). THIS ONE REALLY SEEMS LIKE A MATCHUP! TONIGHT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! LIVE FROM M’ER F’ING QUEENS! FOOTBALLZ! WITH IN STUDIO GUESTS FROM THE WE HATE MOVIES PODCAST! AND HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH COMEDIAN LILLIAN DEVANE! AND POSSIBLE INTERFERENCE FROM THE FCC! WHICH IS ALL WE EVER DREAMED OF! TO BE LEAD AWAY IN CUFFS! SHOUTING TO OUR FELLOW FANS! THEY CAN TAKE OUR IP ADDRESS BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM! SORRY SCOTLAND! AND EVERYBODY! OUR SHOW IS TOTALLY NOT AS IMPORTANT AS STOPPING ACTUAL OPPRESSION AROUND THE WORLD! IF SOMEONE GAVE US A DEAL THAT IF WE STOPPED FOREVER WE COULD END ALL OPPRESSION WE’D TOTALLY DO IT! BUT WE’D HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC BECAUSE I’VE SEEN TOO MANY TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODES AND BOTH VERSIONS OF BEDAZZLED AND GET IT WHEN PEOPLE CASUALLY DROP THE TERM “MONKEY’S PAW” IN CONVERSATION! WHATEVER! WE’LL BE WAITING FOR THAT OFFER! BUT UNTIL THEN! AND ESPECIALLY TONIGHT! WE BRING THE POSSIBLE SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC HEAT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! WHO’S TSHIRT WE WILL GIVE AWAY ALONG WITH ONE OF MY OWN DURING THE BROADCAST! FOOTBALLZ! NOW GIVING YOU MORE THAN EVER!

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