FOOTBALLZ WEEK TWO! COLTS V. EAGLES!

THIS IS DUDE, HIS NAME IS COLT, HE IS CANADIAN, BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE

THIS IS A DUDE, HIS NAME IS COLT, HE IS CANADIAN, BUT THAT’S NO EXCUSE

vs.

YES, THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT DREAM YOU HAD

YES, THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT DREAM YOU HAD

WHAT A FUN WEEK!

Whew, so glad that we got all that nastyness of last week out of the way. The NFL is totally fine now, that investigation of how they handled the Ray Rice thing will totally totally solve the problems of the league. Roger Goodell is totally going to get canned and have to go back to his original job of being a dummy in one of those bodyworlds exhibits or whatever and everything will be totally cool with everyone. HAHA, NOPE! It is important the NFL deal with their domestic violence problem and maybe the only good thing about this is that this problem in the NFL might help shine a light on a problem that exists in America as a whole but if you think that there’ll be deep consequences for the parties at fault and that this will usher in a new era for the league, YOU ARE WRONG AS FUCK. Even if he does get canned, I’m sure Rog will never have a problem finding a job with some law firm or something. He’ll probably wait a few years and go on the traditional for dude who think they did nothing wrong but want to make money saying #sorrynotsorry, Redemption Tour. The NFL will just turn to another suit who’ll go ahead with the 18 game season that nobody wants and the expansion of the playoffs that nobody wants (outside of Steeler fans and they’re the worst) and continue to not give a crap about player safety and gouge its fans for every damn dollar they have in their pockets. COOOOOOLLLLL DDDDOOOGGGGGSSSS, let’s preview this week’s game and try to put that out of our mind! Because this game should be good!

THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS are good? It is tough to tell, they have an awesome quarterback in Andrew Luck (even if he looks and talks like a lummox) and that tends to skew things. I honestly cannot name more than two people on the Colts defense now that Robert Mathis is out for the season (Ricky Jean Francois and Bjorn Werner and I can only name them because I like weird names). They have ok receivers and not so great running backs and players that definitely play the positions on the offensive line but it is really puzzling how they have been to the playoffs the last couple of years. I guess it is just THE POWER OF LUCK, look deep into those weird weird eyes and see the heart of a champion or whatever. Maybe this is the year that they stink, I kind of hope so.

THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES are back! After a few years wallowing in the kind of Nixon-in-the-last-days end of the Andy Reid era they are riding high led by old-but-looks-like-a-little-boy-genius coach Chip Kelly (I’m glad that he has kept up Reid’s tradition doing weird things with his head when in close up). Kelly’s offensive scheme has been hailed as revelatory and has transformed QB Nick Foles from future Times Square Napoleon Dynamite into legit NFL starter (and even has former butt fumbler Mark Sanchez looking passible). Their offense also boasts the best running back who isn’t in trouble for beating his kid, LeSean “Shady” McCoy (who, in fact, is not that shady unless it comes to leaving a tip at what is apparently a terrible Philly burger place) and the best apologizer for saying racist things in WR Riley Cooper. All these elements make for a fun and exciting team to watch at least on offense, the defense is a little bit more of a question mark but who cares THEY HOLD UP SIGNS LIKE THIS TO SIGNAL PLAYS! AND THAT IS AWESOME! JUST LIKE TONIGHT! AT OUR REGULAR TIME OF 8:30 EASTERN! WE WILL HOLD UP SIGNS! THAT YOU CAN’T SEE! SORRY! THEY ARE POORLY RENDERED ANYWAY! BECAUSE I’M TERRIBLE AT DRAWING THINGS! AND PHOTOSHOP! AND REALLY MAKING ANYTHING WITH MY HANDS! WHY DO YOU THINK I LIKE TALKING SO MUCH! AND TONIGHT WE RETURN TO SPEAK SO SWEETLY INTO YOUR BEAUTIFUL EARS! I MEAN THEY ARE REALLY GORGEOUS! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF BEING AN EAR MODEL? I KIND OF KNOW A GUY! JUST HERE IN NYC TRYING TO NETWORK! BUT AGAIN! TONIGHT! WE HAVE GUESTS! MUSICIAN JIM MCHUGH OF NYMPH! AND DRUNKEN FOREIGNER BAND! AND A MILLION OTHER PROJECTS! WE TALK IN A LOUD POLISH RESTAURANT ABOUT SPORTS! AND BEING BARTENDERS! AND TIPPING! ONCE AGAIN SORRY ABOUT THE SOUND! I’M GETTING SOME MICS FOR THESE INTERVIEWS! I PROMISE! THAT TALKING WILL HAPPEN AT HALFTIME! THEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER WE’LL TALK TO CHIP CHINERY OF CHIP’S MONEY TIPS ABOUT HOW TO NOT PAY FOR THINGS! AND ALSO HOW TO PAY FOR THINGS! WE ARE TERRIBLE WITH MONEY! ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN! TONIGHT! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ!

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