FOOTBALLZ DRAFT DAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!! TONIGHT! 8PM! WITH GUESTS!

THIS IS WAY THIS DUDE THINKS OF PLAYERS

THIS IS WAY THIS DUDE THINKS OF PLAYERS

THE TRAINING IS OVER DUDES because we have come upon it DRAAAAFFFTTTTT DAAAAYYYYY (or as my friend who works for the African American Studies Department of an Ivy League school calls it “that thing where they measure a bunch of dudes and then rich people get to pick which ones they own?”) and we here at FOOTBALLZ are ready. We’ve spent months reading mock drafts and insider analysis, hashing out team needs, watching game tape, and tak- oh no WE HAVEN’T DONE ANY OF THAT. I, personally, have been basking in the glow of my team’s SUPER BOWL VICTORY (I did not go though my boss did, and he brought me his ticket stub and some confetti AND I CHERISH THAT SHIT, so much so that I look at it and this pops into my head except in my version of the video it’s me and the Lombardi Trophy and I guess what we do on the beach is a little more like this) and wondering why there have been so many feet washing up in the the Great Northwest. The closest I’ve gotten to deep draft research is picking out the best and worst names for prospects (CHEERS: Jimmy Garoppolo! JEERS: Blake Bortles(opposite of exclamation point!)) and watching the worst movie (sorry I lied about reviewing it, life’s rich pageant of computer problems and rental car fuck ups got in the way. Don’t worry we’ll talk about the hot garbage movie plenty during the broadcast). I believe this has put us in the perfect position to tell you what you need to know about a bunch of names being said out loud by a total asswipe (YEAH I SAID ASSWIPE, TAKE THAT COMMISH! Actually this calls for an entire paragraph break level explanation.

Roger Goodell is a piece of shit for real. I listened to his interview on the normally pretty great Rich Eisen Podcast and despite knowing that this is an NFL sponsored endeavor, I was shocked at the level of hubris he had about expanding the playoffs and extending the season to 18 games. I was more shocked that in doing so he didn’t mention player safety even once, he spent more time talking about extending the draft to FOUR FUCKING DAYS then he did talking about player safety, he spent just as much time talking about hard core cat pornography as he did talking about player safety BECAUSE HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT PLAYER SAFETY FOR EVEN A SECOND. This is the great issue facing the NFL right now and the fucking head of the whole goddamn thing can talk about making these guys play more games, withstand more punishment, make him and the people he works for more money, without even for a moment attaching even the slightest caveat about doing so with respect to the players’ well being. WHAT A TOTAL DICK.)

while Jets fans lustily boo and dudes who get paid a lot more than us to argue about it. SO TONIGHT! WE WILL BRING YOU HOURS OF US TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE TALKING! WHICH WILL MOSTLY BE US JUST TALKING! AND THE REGULAR MUSIC DURING COMMERCIALS! UNLESS WE DECIDE WE WANT TO KEEP TALKING OVER THOSE TOO! I HAVE SOME GREAT TUNES LINED UP EITHER WAY! AND GUESTS! WE’LL BE TALKING TO ACTUAL JETS WHO CAN IS LITERATE ENOUGH TO WRITE FRED KATZ! PERHAPS WE WILL HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE WHILE THE JETS PICK! AND THEN LATER IN THE SHOW BOB SILVERMAN! WHO IS GOING TO THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY JUST LIKE ME! TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT I ALSO PLAN ON WRITING ABOUT! LET’S SEE HOW THAT CONVERSATION GOES! IT ALLLLLLL GOES DOWN TONIGHT! AT 8PM! OR PROBABLY A LITTLE EARLIER! HERE! AT FOOTBALLZ! AND PROBABLY OVER AT THE CLASSICAL’S CLOG! TALKING ABOUT TALKING! FOOTBALL! AMMMMERRRRIIIICCCAAAAAAA!

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