FOOTBALLZ DRAFT PREVIEW! PT.1 THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING!

The boringest image for what should be the boringest thing

The boringest image for what should be the boringest thing

HEY POOPS,

WE ARE BACK, AGAIN! Did you all enjoy the Superb Owl? I did, that Owl surpassed superb and ended up supreme for me BECAUSE MY TEAM WON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHFDOHASDFIOHQIOWRFONQOFNNRFNQEFQIORFPIJWFPJQWRFIPJR, those were the sounds my brain made during and after the game. I had a party to go to after and the party had free drinks and cool people and awesome music for dancing but I was totally wrung out emotionally so I was just like whatever. THAT WAS MY DREAM STYLE OF PARTY ALWAYS and it meant nothing, such was the power of that owl. ANYWAY now we get to the boringest (why does spellcheck not want that to be a word, I use it enough to know it is totally a word) part of any football season, the stupid stupid stupid draft. A time of year where no one is playing football but we still get the all of the regular yelling and speculation from the dudes in bad suits that talk while people are playing football, great. Not only are they yelling still but now they have even less knowledge then they did before and they have almost nothing to yell about other than kids who are barely old enough to drink and how much they suck. BUT WE DON’T CARE, we’re here to add our own terrible voices to this cacophony of nonsense, our own lack of expertise to the vast ocean of inexpertise (which should be a word FOR REALZ) that rules the day here on the internet/television. YES, WE HERE AT FOOTBALLZ WILL STOOP TO COVER THE DRAFT! I mean we watched the whole Pro Bowl for crying out loud (we did get to see this, which was weirdly engrossing despite the fact that naked female bodies appearing on a screen has such ubiquity in this day and age. Dudes’ capacity for wanting to possibly seeing a spontaneous titty is more vast than the universe) so how could we resist talking for five hours over a program that is pretty much just other people talking? FOOTBALLZ LIVES FOR THIS GARBAGE!

I was not always so cool to the draft’s charms, when I was a youth I used to live for it (of course this was when my team, THE WORLD CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, were terrible). The draft was a day when your team could “win” without playing a single down, a day where even the truly awful could see hope over that next hill, a day where my dad would totally let me stay home from Synagogue so I could watch (he was less excited when I would beg to stay home for the annual Red Dwarf marathon on PBS (he did tape if for me though, thanks Dad!)). I would set up in our tv room with three newspapers and as many draft magazines as I could afford to watch with rapt attention as a series of names was read and then a bunch of dudes argued about those names (I wish they had actually argued about the names, Chris Berman: “Ryan Leaf really looks more like a Chet to me.” Mel Kiper: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! He’s totally a Ryan, if anything I feel like he should go with the more popular first name spelling of his last name, Ryan Leif has all the name makings of a teen idol!”). I LOVED IT but I was also kind of a miserable child at that age so now that I’m “grown up” or at least hopefully approaching the end of this extended adolescence that has masqueraded as adulthood so far I have come to recognize THIS THING IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.

THIS BULLSHIT THING WILL BE WORTH A WEEK OR SO COVERAGE FROM FOOTBALLZ THOUGH. Next week, as we lead up to our LIVE COVERAGE OF ROUND 1 THAT BEGINS THURSDAY MAY 8TH AT 8PM OR SO, we will reawaken for all sorts of nonsense. This nonsense may just entail my review of Draft Day (here’s a preview, I THOUGHT IT WAS AWFUL) and a “mock draft” of some kind BUT WHO KNOWS! WE COULD DO ANYTHING! ALSO! I WILL BE AT THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY! JUST LOOK FOR THE GUY WHO LOOKS SUPER SAD AND IS WONDERING WHY HE TOOK A DAY OFF FROM WORK TO DO THIS! BUT I KNOW WHY! FOR YOU, DEAR READER! AND ALSO BECAUSE MAYBE I HATE MYSELF! AND FEEL LIKE THINGS LIKE THIS ARE PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF THE WRONGS I HAVE DONE BOTH KNOWINGLY AND UNKNOWINGLY IN MY LIFE! WHEW THAT GOT WEIRD! BUT WEIRD IS WHAT WE DO! AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLL OVER THE NFL DRAFT! SO PUT ON YOUR GALLAGHER STYLE FRONT ROW PONCHOS OR WE MIGHT GET OUR WEIRD ON YOU!

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