FOOTBALLZ SUPERB OWL PREVIEW!

SuperbOwl.0000000000

 

NATURE LOVERS,

Welcome to the Second Annual FOOTBALLZ Superb Owl Preview! Are all you guys ready for the Big Game (for an easy explanation of why most commercials do not refer to Big Game with its official title please read this or if you are too lazy to read that just know that NFL loves suing people (except us apparently so let’s drop the pretense SUPERBOWLSUPERBOWLSUPERBOWL). Next year we here at FOOTBALLZ will attempt to copyright Big Game so we can successfully sue both lame businesses that get you to go to them and also hunters!) because we for sure are AND WE ARE HERE TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU! We will not be broadcasting this game because we would like to enjoy it BUT WE CAN TELL YOU THINGS TO TELL PEOPLE AT THE SUPER BOWL PARTIES THAT YOU SHOULD BE GOING TO (I had a non-football loving friend describe Super Bowl Sunday as American Christmas minus the gift and family tension and I think that’s about right, so think of it that way people who would rather spend all day on social media talking about how the Super Bowl is awful (also please refrain from spreading the usual Super Bowl hater rumors about human abuse as they are bullshit and the only thing worse than a scold is misinformed scold. Please do talk about how pot is legal in the states that the teams are from because that is only slightly more interesting). SO LETS BREAK DOWN THESE TEAMS!

THE DENVER BRONCOS were one of my least favorite teams as a youth, they were in the same conference as my beloved Seahawks and while helmed by former-quarterback-now-team-president-and-possible-half-horse-at-least-in-the-face-area John Elway would often beat them in a way that would make me cry. I took solace for a while in the fact that those teams often lost in the Big Game but then they went ahead and won two in a row, cementing my hatred for life. Though over the years the Broncos related anger has subsided (I don’t openly root for a Dark Knight Rises like stadium destruction during one of their games as I might the Steelers or the 49ers) I still think that being a fan of their’s is a close to friendship ending offense. They also employ Peyton Manning and he is the worst (more on that later) and even though it isn’t true, Denver seems like the town that Dave Matthews should be from.

MOST LIKABLE PLAYER

This is a tough one as all other personalities on the team are overshadowed by the monolithic Manning, but there are some other somewhat interesting dudes on the team. There is a dude nicknamed “Pot Roast” which is kind of cool until you find out that he got that nickname because once he ordered pot roast (he really should have ordered the Shrimp Alfredo, because having a player who’s nickname was “Shrimp Alfredo” would be awesome (he would probably be an italian kicker if we’re being real here)) so there’s that. Wide Receiver Eric Decker is a good player and also took these photos with his wife and they had a reality show (I didn’t see it, I don’t have cable, I ALSO LIVE IN NEW YORK) and that is kind of interesting but it doesn’t really do it for me. I guess we’ll just have to go with Knowshon Moreno because of his amazing giant tears:

knowshon-cries-2Unfortunately for everyone involved, the most interesting/likable member of the Broncos retired midway through the season. John Moffitt would have ruled media day and in memory of his football career please enjoy this video.

LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER

For sure this is human advertisement machine Peyton Manning. Dude is the Hank Kingsley of quarterbacks, he hasn’t met an endorsement he won’t do. Also he shills for Papa Johns and that is the pizza they serve in hell.

your pizza will be ready in 666 minutes

your pizza will be ready in 666 minutes

He also has a freakishly large forehead (perhaps that is what lead him to seek advertisements, look like a billboard-act like a billboard) and the regular media loves him, no one should love a rich kid that much.

 

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS are my favorite team and having them in the Super Bowl is a true joy, less of a joy is having that game take place in a stadium within public transportation travel to my house (see ’cause I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW). The thought that the game will be taking place so close in space but so far away in affordability has plagued me all week (if there is a charitable FOOTBALLZ fan who wants to send me to the game, THERE IS STILL TIME, just email me at footballztalk@gmail.com) and will be stuck in the back of my mind even as the game takes place (sorry everyone that will be watching with me, it will not be fun for you ). When my boss, who got tickets through a business connect, jokingly suggested that if someone kneecapped his wife I could have her ticket I immediately started thinking of who could be my Shane Stant (note to all parents, any child who’s name is an alliteration is destined for low level infamy. Kris Kristofferson was the exception, not the rule.) before I came to my senses. Nevertheless I will enjoy (if “enjoy” means ignore all other humans in the room, drink too much, nervously eat whatever is in front of me (please no one put a bowl of batteries in front of me during the game), and contort my body looking for a “lucky” position to sit in) the game from the comfort of a warm room where beer is much cheaper that I didn’t have to pay tolls to get to, so there’s a bright side. ANYWAY, enough about me, the Seahawks are great (and actually try to treat their players like people rather than like death machines) and if you root against them then you are certainly human garbage.

MOST LIKABLE PLAYER

This one is pretty easy, the Seahawks starting backfield is pretty awesome. Marshawn Lynch (who has a Seattle Aquarium crab named after him, will go to a local donut shop in his Lamborghini wearing a Fuck You sweatshirt, and apparently fix your plumbing) and Michael Robinson are a fantastic team, where Lynch is reluctant to speak, Robinson has had his own in locker room talk show (you can lose about 4 hours watching all of those and it’ll be worth it). When they team up it makes for some memorable stuff. Getting heavier with these dudes, you can learn about Marshawn’s tough life here (the moment where he accidentally says “Fuck ’em” is great) and about Robinson’s fight back from life a threatening illness just this season here. All in all these should be your dudes, boss.

LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER

Most will have you believe it’s media black hole Richard Sherman (I will not go any deeper on a subject that has been covered extensively but to say that it remains weird that people freak out about this dude and then openly root for dudes like Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger) but I would posit that wide receiver Golden Tate is the least likable Seahawk. Between his vicious on field taunting and wearing of Google Glass/Go Pro camera at  Super Bowl media day, he just seems like a bit of a dick. LOOK IT’S TOUGH TO PICK A LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER ON YOUR FAVORITE TEAM OKAY!

SO THAT’S THAT, everything you need to know about this game for the most part. Enjoy the Super Bowl and don’t watch the halftime show because it is Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that is the halftime equivalent of Papa John’s pizza. SEE YOU LATER BONERS!

 

Comments are closed.