FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT. 4! THE WESTS!

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

Hey people who are already probably done holiday shopping, I’m sorry this is not arriving in your browser window on the promised Friday of last week but life got in the way you know what I mean. Now, however, I’m somewhere outside of Philadelphia (I just got on the train my girlfriend told me to and now there is just rain and trees) so I have plenty of time to tell you about things that you couldn’t even get people for Xmas if you wanted to. LET US RUN DOWN (both meanings) THESE GREAT (horrible) GIFTS FOR FANS OF TEAMS IN THE WESTERN DIVISIONS OF THE AFC AND NFC (next year I’ll figure out a better way to say that (as always, click on the image to go to the item’s individual Etsy page)):

 

THE DENVER BRONCOS are another one of my least favorite teams (man, I have a lot of those) and they are really good so their fans should really just shut up and enjoy the things they are allowed. If fans of these turds must have something though, feel free to send them this thing that looks like it has a butthole for a face:

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can't see you doing your dirty things

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can’t see you doing your dirty things

 

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS fans also do not have it too bad, I mean the town is nice (unless you hate Republicans), you can go to the place where they shot that scene from Top Gun, and the weather is pretty awesome (unless you hate Republicans). I guess if you wanted to get a rich republican who lives in nice weather and eats at the bbq place from Top Gun a thing (which they obvs. don’t need) you could go much wronger than something called a a “diaper tricycle”:

finally somebody has done something with the phrase "diaper tricycle"

finally somebody has done something with the phrase “diaper tricycle” that will allow me to say it in mixed company

 

Do you have a friend who owns a pug? Is that friend a fan of the Oakland Raiders? Does that friend wish that his pug was an Oakland Raiders fan? Does that fan wish his pug was just sort of okay about that but not super excited about the Raiders or even sad about the whole thing? Then this is the gift for you to give to this person:

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

 

Working in the service industry is tough, you spend a lot of time dealing with tons of BS from all sides and it can take a toll on a person. That’s why it’s important to carve out little things to make you happy while you’re on the job. THIS GIFT WILL NOT DO THIS, nothing would drive me deeper into depression than looking down at the place where I put all the meagre money I’ve made and realize that I was telling people that I’m a fan of both hastily constructed garbage and the KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

 

Your child should never be put into a cocoon and should never be taught to be an ARIZONA CARDINALS fan:

Now a movie called "Baby Cocoon" is a product I would pay for.

Now a movie called “Baby Cocoon” is a product I would pay for.

 

However, if you would really like your child’s soul to be sucked out through its breathe while it sleeps and are a ST. LOUIS RAMS fan then this is the gift for you:

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

 

San Francisco is a place where crafting goes to live (or die) and the streets flow with glued on googly-eyed garbage so it’s tough to find something extra scary to give to someone who already has an upcycled crocheted cruelty free cozy for their Uber membership card and Google Bus pass. For our arch enemy SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS fans though, we here at FOOTBALLZ go the extra mile:

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

 

As you all know, I love the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS but I’m not afraid to recognize that there are some things that are not good about them. Yes, Pete Carroll speaks in a weird gobly-gook of words sometimes, and yes, Richard Sherman is a dick, but my saddest admission about the Hawks is that their uniforms are a little, um, busy. Now this usually isn’t a problem on the field, the realm of what athletes are forced to wear by their corporate overlords is littered with nightmare clothes (just look at this Xmas’s basketball uniforms) and the pros look cool in whatever they have to wear because they are basically super heros and who hasn’t the garbage those people walk around in. However, much as when regular people try to wear superhero clothes, things can get a little rough for the average fan when they try to wear sports clothes in regular life. If you have a friend who wants to do this and you want to dissuade them from ever doing it again, may I suggest this gift:

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

Well folks, that’s it. Sorry if these suggestions came a little late for you to make it happen for your office Yankee Swap but much like most of your teams THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments are closed.