FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT.3! THE SOUTHS!

Only jerks give gift cards

Only jerks give gift cards

 

Hey poopsters, FOOTBALLZ (the broadcast) season is over for the time being, but here at FOOTBALLZ (the website) we will keep going strong throughout the winter. We’ll be bringing you all sort of playoff related nonsense, just this time it’ll be delivered by fingers rather than mouths (YES! that sounds just as gross as when I said it out loud, WRITING WORKS!) so switch your FOOTBALLZ glands from your ears to your eyes and get ready for part three of GIFT GIVING SPECTACULAR! This time we’re doing the Southern Divisions (click all photos to go to their respective Etsy pages (also, seriously Etsy people, cool it with bottle caps, NOBODY WANTS YOUR BOTTLE CAP EARRINGS/BROACHES/TIE CLASPS/IUDS (that last one really freaked me))):

THE ATLANTA FALCONS have had a rough season and their fans deserve gifts that will lift them up, unfortunately Etsy has none of these. Instead we suggest this Amulet of Asante Samuel, it will allow them to collect lots of money while doing very little and ward off Bill Belichick (as well as Belichick related monsters):

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

 

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS come from what some people might call voodoo country and that leads to a lot freaky business being made with that in mind (seriously, SERIOUSLY (there is not a bold bold enough to bold that seriously)) but for a real Saints fan the must have gift is obviously this:

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A  FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

 

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are a team on the rise but their long life of crappyness have left their Etsy wares a little lacking, luckily we’ve found the perfect Xmas gift for you, Panthers fans. Every home needs a small wizard face statue made of okra to protect it from evil anti-slime vegetable based ghosts, right? WELL NOW YOU CAN HAVE ONE IN PANTHERS COLORS:

"Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!"

“Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!”

 

THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS have disappointed this year but no gift could be more disappointing to any child than the one we’ve come across:

"Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano."

“Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano.”

 

THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS best/worst gift is a PDF of a cross stitch pattern for a mini Mark Brunell jersey, we present it (haha) without commentary:

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

 

Though not as amazing as the Bengals Butt Painting of our previous installment, this portrait of TENNESSEE TITANS running back Chris Johnson is equally disturbing. Never forget as you gaze into this painting of this dude and what appears to be some sort of blemish on his cheek that he makes around $8000 a yard:

spitting purple

spitting purple

 

If you are a HOUSTON TEXANS fan then you have many options when it comes to gifts, that is of course if the only gifts you want to give people are Houston Texans themed crosses (yeesh, is there some sort of vampire problem down there? Are they attracted to the lack of zoning? Should that be my first/last just-a-little-older-than-YA novel? About cool vampires in Texas who are all about real estate? And are also erotic?). We’ve found something outside the cross epidemic but equally disturbing and we’re kind of at a loss to describe it:

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

 

I have always disliked the INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (also always disliked how hard it is for me to type Indianapolis correctly) so I will admit that I did not spend much time looking for a gift for fans of these turdbags. I mean having one crappy season in the last 20 years or so and then having that land you another super good franchise qb is gift enough, right? Anyway this shirt is stupid looking:

for people who have short arms

for people who have short arms

THAT’S IT SOUTHERNERS! TOMORROW WE CONCLUDE THIS SERIES THAT WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOREVER WITH THE WESTER DIVISIONS!

 

 

 

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