FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE! PT. 1 THE EAST

SPECIAL PRESENTS

SPECIAL PRESENTS

Yo guyz it’s holiday time (well at least American National Gift Giving Holiday Time) and we here at FOOTBALLZ are all about giving gifts (since we give the gift of our invaluable commentary every week to you beautiful people) so we thought that we’d drop some knowledge about what to give your favorite football fan this season. In our offseason previews we gave you great gift ideas from the various NFL Team sanctioned gift shops but for this time of year we thought you might need something a little more special, something more personal, something perhaps, handmade. We’ve dug deep into the horror halls of the handmade section of Etsy (and with apologies to this late lamented website) so we may bring you THE BEST (or also the worst depending on your irony level) IN FOOTBALL HANDMADE GIFTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS! We’ve found something for a fan of nearly every team AND NOW WE WILL BRING IT TO YOU! This week we’ll do the East divisions of the AFC and NFC with the rest coming before the holiday. Get your paypal accounts out and lets get to E-DOOR BUSTIN’ (click on all photos for links to purchase):

For New England fans we have something really special. There are many options for portraits of their one true love, QB Tom Brady, but we’ve uncovered one that manages to combine his visage with that of favorite son of MA/talking wax figure/Secretary of State John Kerry:

so Picasso

so Picasso

Miami Dolphins fans don’t really get into the holiday spirit, they just celebrate Art Basel and then go back to drinking garbage drinks. Should you find one who is looking for something appropriate to the Florida lifestyle look no further than our selection, which has the added benefit of giving you the chance to wear the closest thing the giant taxpayer purchased Red Grooms sculpture from Marlins Park around your neck:

it's like your dog barfed up a bunch of costume jewelry

it’s like your dog barfed up a bunch of costume jewelry

The Buffalo Bills have had little to cheer about recently (or maybe forever?) so there are very few worthwhile gifts that will bring them any joy. We had to reach a little outside the box to bring you this gift that reminds Bills fans of vengeance on one of their least favorite dudes of all time (and also that because of this movie we all got to see Chloe Sevingy give a beej). Yes it’s a paper doll cutout for Vincent “Prince Vince” Gallo’s character in Buffalo ’66.

this movie has too many baths

this movie has too many baths

We lump the New York Giants/Jets because they share so many things, their stadium, their fanbase, their lie that they actually play in New York, but they thing they might share the most is their love for former coach Bill Parcells. The Big Tuna has taken turns with both the “New York” teams and brought varying levels of success to both, regardless he is revered by all and this portrait of him would be welcome in any crazy Mike Francesca caller’s home (slight side note, if you live in the “Greatest City in the World” you should not be buying anything on the internet):

Coach needs more SPIIIIICCCCCE

Coach needs more SPIIIIICCCCCE

The Washington DC American Football Team is pretty sad right now, they’ve benched their franchise QB an their coach has maybe already had a practice run at cleaning out his desk, so their fans need something joyful. What says wistful joy more than a jester hat (well, a jester hat usually says IT dude at a free music festival who is worried that someone will steal his recumbent bike when he isn’t looking, but look times are dark in DC)?

who don't love that fleece?

who don’t love that fleece?

Things are a little more exuberant up north on I-95 as the Philadelphia Eagles fans want nothing more than the playoffs for Xmas (man, I feel like a real sportswriter after typing something so cliche) but they have some karmic problems with the holiday so who knows what could happen. A salve for the paranoia of the Eagles fan might be the thought that angels were on their side and this print could lead them to think just that (or that somewhere deep in an unused SEPTA tunnel there is a crazy former Drexel professor creating human/bird hybrids like a cheesesteak fueled Dr. Moreau, which is what I hope is true):

The Last Boy Scout would have been cooler if that dude had turned into a bird person rather than pulling a gun

The Last Boy Scout would have been cooler if that dude had turned into a bird person rather than pulling a gun

Finally we get to “America’s Team” (ugh) the Dallas Cowboys. There are many options for the discerning Dallas fan (though judging by this image search, discerning doesn’t seem to be in their vocabulary) but one handmade image stands out among the rest. If you want to see the Cowboys star burn rendered in soul deadening crayon we have the gift for you:

I don't like making fun of little kid's art but it is hard to tell what the age of this artist is and you know if you want people to pay money for your stuff you should expect some criticism. Also, that football looks stupid.

I don’t like making fun of little kid’s art but it’s hard to tell what the age of this artist is and you know if you want people to pay money for your stuff you should expect some criticism. Also, that football looks stupid.

So that’s it for now holiday dogs, we’ll be back tomorrow with the AFC/NFC Norths so don’t go blowing your whole budget today.

PS this Monday will be the last FOOTBALLZ of the year, holiday travel/the last MNF game is Xmas eve eve/blah blah blah, but we are going to stuff it full of guests and excitement so be sure to tune in, it’s going to be wild (also a warning, we are all going to be eating pizza and I might try to talk while doing so).

 

 

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