Random Access Multiple lossesonoffnse

Random Access Memoryoflossesonoffnse





IT IS FINALLY HERE! The week where I get to talk about the Seahawks! AND YOU ALL HAVE TO LISTEN! YEEEAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s been weeks of sitting back and talking about all these dumb dumb teams with their dumb dumb players/owners/coaches and look at their dumb dumb fans, but NOW YOU MUST LOOK AT MY DUMB DUMB PLAYERS/COACHES/OWNERS! FEEL THE BURN DING DONGS! WHAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! So, yeah, I’m gonna talk about that in a minute but first please note that this game is being played in St Louis less than a mile from where a World Series game is also taking place (booooo baseball, you’re so boring, and dumb, and you end games on some serious bullshit, I mean football would never let some obscure rule decide a game (I take that back)) and the Rams stink, so it’s possible this game will take place in an empty stadium. THIS WOULD BE KIND OF AWESOME, no crowd noise, no shots of dummies dressed like this dude, it would be as close to my dream of a football broadcast as I think we’d ever get (is it weird that I, as a dude who does a thing where he talks during a football game wishes that no one would talk during a football game?). We can hope beyond hope that all those St Louisians (?) are glued to the WS (while being real real cool) and we can watch a magnificent moment in football (and of course FOOTBALLZ) history, NOW LET US PREVIEW THE TEAMS.

THE ST LOUIS RAMS are sad and kind of unlucky. They got after a run of success in the late 90s/early 2000s their team went in crapper and as those said teams in crapper are wont to do they received the #1 pick in the draft, picking “franchise quarterback” Sam Bradford. This was in one of the last years before the rookie wage scale so they were forced to sign Bradford to one of the richest contracts in history (sorry for linking to Bleacher Report, but to make you feel better about that here is the hilarious takedown of that dude’s attempt to start a “women’s website” that is essential reading). This contract (combined with Bradford’s mixed results) has hamstrung the Rams, preventing them from making splashes in free agency and kept them committed to Bradford even as he struggles. That is all kind of moot now since he is out for the season and will the Rams start something called a Kellen Clemons (apparently he looks like this, not confidence inducing (also not confidence inducing, who they were trying to get so Clemons would not have to play) (also not confidence induing, if you took the K and the C off of that dudes name he would be called Ellen Lemons, which would be kind of cool but not for a QB))) at quarterback but jeez, wrong place wrong time Rams. At least they have the best team theme song of all time.

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS are just the best dudes ever. They are my team and I love them deeply and I will probably be kind of a dick during this broadcast because of it, DEAL WITH IT DOGS (shoutout to the internet in 2010, I still love u). Anyway, despite my love of these dudes they are not all the best guys. Their coach may have cut and run at his last job just before things got dicey there and may or may not be a 9/11 truther, their star running back who does stuff like this also has done stuff like this (I was once in a Buffalo thrift shop and saw a t-shirt that said “Marshawn Can Hit Whoever He Wants” which was awesome/terrible and I’m very sad I did not buy it), and their quarterback who is amazing and show no signs of being anything but a pure and decent human being might be a robot who is married to a lizard person and we haven’t even talked about their star cornerback who is probably the NFL’s best heel. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT! I DON’T CARE! THIS IS MY TEAM SINCE I WAS A LITTLE PEE PANTS AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME NOTHING YOU BUNCHA DICK NOSES! SO TONIGHT! LISTEN AS I CACKLE WITH DELIGHT WATCHING MY FAVORTIEST TEAM IN THE WHOLE WORLD! FEATURING A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH VICE ASSOCIATE EDITOR/AUTHOR OF MY FAVORITE PICKS COLUMN/FELLOW SEATTLEITE HARRY CHEADLE (SORRY ABOUT ALL THE TERRIBLE GRAMMAR IN ALL MY WRITING HARRY, SADTROMBONE.COM)! WE TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH IT SUCKED TO GROW UP LIKING SEATTLE SPORTS! AND A CALL IN FROM PRODUCER ANANTH WITH ARTIST MATTHEW HOLLISTER LIVE ON THE SCENE IN SEATTLE PERHAPS WATCHING THE GAME HERE! AND THE RETURN OF PERMANENT GUEST PRODUCER CHRIS! ALL OF THIS! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! DAAAANNNNGGGGG SOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

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