FOOTBALLZ WEEK 7! GIANTS V. VIKINGS!

we are all that little dude

we are all that little dude

vs.

so so sad

so so sad

MUSIC CRITICS

OH BOY THIS WEEK STINKS! After two weeks of exciting games with unexpected results (we must take a moment to review what may have been the greatest moment in Monday Night Football last week) we have this big pile of hot garbage to eat with our eyes. We have two teams who are not good, the New York Giants (who may be so bad that they are erasing wins from the past, I think they are currently dissolving themselves out of photos with their Super Bowl trophy from 2009, Back to the Future style) and the Minnesota Vikings (who may be trying to graft the three mediocre qbs they have into some sort of passable NFL starter like a deranged Mr. Frankenstein (I don’t recognize out of country degrees)) but we are going to watch the hell out of them because we live to make mirth of the trails and travails of all our best friends on the football field!

THE NEW YORK GIANTS are really terrible and it has happened super suddenly, this season has been that banana that goes from green to disgustingly brown overnight AND I LOVE IT. I have really not been able to stand the Giants since my childhood but this particular iteration of the blue shirt/weird gross gray pants  wearing dopes irks me like no other. People forget that Eli Manning was a big whinny baby when he first got into the league (enjoy that article and also that step into the internet of 2004, it looks like the Jukt Micronics site threw up a bag of skittles) and though he is the owner of two Super Bowl titles he still manages to look like this on the regular. Their coach, Tom Coughlin, is such a screaming red faced asshole that even cakes don’t like him. When the coolest/most interesting thing about your team is an underperforming defensive end’s facemask then you’re in trouble. For extra NYC schadenfreude, just watch this forever.

THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS are not quite as very bad as the Giants but are still pretty terrible. They’re on to their third quarterback of the season (why Josh Freeman chose to come here I don’t know but I guess after a fucked up infection ridden southwest Florida anything seems better), they haven’t won a game on US soil, and their best player/maybe THE best player just experienced a personal tragedy. The death of a child is horrific and I’m sure that everybody who writes for crappy newspapers were totally cool about the whole thing or not (NICE WORK JERKWADS! Seriously, I understand that some people have the job of stringing words together and in this day and age extremely stupid has as much value (or in some cases more) than extremely smart if it can pull people’s eyes to whatever caca you’re getting your paycheck for but for crying out loud, can we please Please PLEASE STOP.) The Vikings, like the Giants, are spending this season in the worst condition, just suddenly figuring out that they are bad. BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL ALREADY KNOW HOW BAD WE ARE! AND SAD WE ARE! BECAUSE IT WILL BE OUR BELOVED EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KEN’S (AKA EXPK) LAST SHOW! SAD EMOTICON! THERE WILL BE MUCH MIRTH MAKING AT HIS EXPENSE! WE WILL WISH HIM WELL IN ALL OF HIS NEW ENDEAVORS! THAT WE WILL MAKE UP! LIKE THIS! EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KEN IS LEAVING FOOTBALLZ TO START A ONLINE STORE FOR ARTISINAL BUTTER MADE FROM THE MILK OF CATS! SEE! ISN’T THAT FUNNY! DON’T YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THAT! WE WILL ALSO HAVE A GUEST! IN STUDIO WILL BE ILLUSTRATOR AARON DANA! NO HALFTIME INTERVIEW THIS WEEK! SORRY DAWGS! WE WERE ALL SUPER BUSY! BUT THERE WILL BE SO MUCH STUFF! SO MUCH FUN! SO MUCH 8:30PM EASTERN! SO MUCH FOOTBALLZ.ORG/THECLASSICAL.ORG! SO MUCH FOR YOU NOT LISTENING! TONIGHT!

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