Year in and year out people are all like “hey, sorry I missed your podcast” and I say “that’s cool” while in my head I’m all like “IT ISN’T A DAMN PODCAST, IT’S THE INTERNET’S FIRST/ONLY/BEST ALTERNATE AUDIO BROADCAST OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. IF IT WERE A PODCAST IT WOULD BE HIGHLIGHTS OF OUR BROADCAST WITH THE FULL INTERVIEW THAT WE RAN PART OF DURING HALFTIME OF THE SHOW!” I think this because I’m a jerk of course, but now you get the chance to tell me that you missed our podcast (which you now can listen to whenever you want) and totally be right on the money with FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Every week we’ll post our favorite moments from our live show that happens every Monday at 8:30pm here on FOOTBALLZ.ORG and THECLASSICAL.ORG along with the full and unexpurgated interview that we use for our halftime festivities. THIS WEEK, the highlights from week one’s match up between the Giants and the Lions and our interview with Classical King of Words David Roth!
Whew, so glad that we got all that nastyness of last week out of the way. The NFL is totally fine now, that investigation of how they handled the Ray Rice thing will totally totally solve the problems of the league. Roger Goodell is totally going to get canned and have to go back to his original job of being a dummy in one of those bodyworlds exhibits or whatever and everything will be totally cool with everyone. HAHA, NOPE! It is important the NFL deal with their domestic violence problem and maybe the only good thing about this is that this problem in the NFL might help shine a light on a problem that exists in America as a whole but if you think that there’ll be deep consequences for the parties at fault and that this will usher in a new era for the league, YOU ARE WRONG AS FUCK. Even if he does get canned, I’m sure Rog will never have a problem finding a job with some law firm or something. He’ll probably wait a few years and go on the traditional for dude who think they did nothing wrong but want to make money saying #sorrynotsorry, Redemption Tour. The NFL will just turn to another suit who’ll go ahead with the 18 game season that nobody wants and the expansion of the playoffs that nobody wants (outside of Steeler fans and they’re the worst) and continue to not give a crap about player safety and gouge its fans for every damn dollar they have in their pockets. COOOOOOLLLLL DDDDOOOGGGGGSSSS, let’s preview this week’s game and try to put that out of our mind! Because this game should be good!
THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS are good? It is tough to tell, they have an awesome quarterback in Andrew Luck (even if he looks and talks like a lummox) and that tends to skew things. I honestly cannot name more than two people on the Colts defense now that Robert Mathis is out for the season (Ricky Jean Francois and Bjorn Werner and I can only name them because I like weird names). They have ok receivers and not so great running backs and players that definitely play the positions on the offensive line but it is really puzzling how they have been to the playoffs the last couple of years. I guess it is just THE POWER OF LUCK, look deep into those weird weird eyes and see the heart of a champion or whatever. Maybe this is the year that they stink, I kind of hope so.
THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES are back! After a few years wallowing in the kind of Nixon-in-the-last-days end of the Andy Reid era they are riding high led by old-but-looks-like-a-little-boy-genius coach Chip Kelly (I’m glad that he has kept up Reid’s tradition doing weird things with his head when in close up). Kelly’s offensive scheme has been hailed as revelatory and has transformed QB Nick Foles from future Times Square Napoleon Dynamite into legit NFL starter (and even has former butt fumbler Mark Sanchez looking passible). Their offense also boasts the best running back who isn’t in trouble for beating his kid, LeSean “Shady” McCoy (who, in fact, is not that shady unless it comes to leaving a tip at what is apparently a terrible Philly burger place) and the best apologizer for saying racist things in WR Riley Cooper. All these elements make for a fun and exciting team to watch at least on offense, the defense is a little bit more of a question mark but who cares THEY HOLD UP SIGNS LIKE THIS TO SIGNAL PLAYS! AND THAT IS AWESOME! JUST LIKE TONIGHT! AT OUR REGULAR TIME OF 8:30 EASTERN! WE WILL HOLD UP SIGNS! THAT YOU CAN’T SEE! SORRY! THEY ARE POORLY RENDERED ANYWAY! BECAUSE I’M TERRIBLE AT DRAWING THINGS! AND PHOTOSHOP! AND REALLY MAKING ANYTHING WITH MY HANDS! WHY DO YOU THINK I LIKE TALKING SO MUCH! AND TONIGHT WE RETURN TO SPEAK SO SWEETLY INTO YOUR BEAUTIFUL EARS! I MEAN THEY ARE REALLY GORGEOUS! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF BEING AN EAR MODEL? I KIND OF KNOW A GUY! JUST HERE IN NYC TRYING TO NETWORK! BUT AGAIN! TONIGHT! WE HAVE GUESTS! MUSICIAN JIM MCHUGH OF NYMPH! AND DRUNKEN FOREIGNER BAND! AND A MILLION OTHER PROJECTS! WE TALK IN A LOUD POLISH RESTAURANT ABOUT SPORTS! AND BEING BARTENDERS! AND TIPPING! ONCE AGAIN SORRY ABOUT THE SOUND! I’M GETTING SOME MICS FOR THESE INTERVIEWS! I PROMISE! THAT TALKING WILL HAPPEN AT HALFTIME! THEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER WE’LL TALK TO CHIP CHINERY OF CHIP’S MONEY TIPS ABOUT HOW TO NOT PAY FOR THINGS! AND ALSO HOW TO PAY FOR THINGS! WE ARE TERRIBLE WITH MONEY! ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN! TONIGHT! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ!
WE ARE BACK! Football season is here and that means FOOTBALLZ season is here and we are totally ready to talk to you, our only true friends, for the next 16 weeks (well, except for the fact that I really haven’t paid a lot of attention to the preseason and also spent the Sunday walking around looking at art because the Seahawks played on Thursday, don’t worry I’ll figure it out). This week we “kick-off” with a double header that we’re only going to do half of since we cannot talk and you cannot listen to us talk for 6 or so hours straight (but wouldn’t it be magic if the both of us could?). Since I’ve already told you everything you need to know about the season, let’s get specific with tonight’s two teams, THE DETROIT LIONS and THE NEW YORK GIANTS.
THE LIONS we good last year and then suddenly they weren’t and this lead to some changes at the team. The got rid of demonstrably angry jerkwad coach Jim Schwartz and replaced him with possible human statue Jim Caldwell, I literally have no idea if that will make the team better or worse. Caldwell seems to do nothing on the sidelines (besides call one of the worst timeouts in history) and the last time he caoched a team that won anything he had Peyton Manning at QB and Peyton tends to skew the results a little bit. They still have Matthew Stafford under center but I’ll never really be able to like him because he looks kind of like an old Frank Miller drawing. They also have Calvin “Megatron” Johnson lining up at wide receiver and after years of Gobots at the other WR spot (after quick googling I cannot believe I’m the first person to make that joke) the Lions think they have their Soundwave in former Seahawk and possible complete dickhole Golden Tate (though he strikes me more as a Starscream guy). Stafford’s targets also include Reggie Bush (Ravage?) and new rookie tight end Eric Ebron (Rumble?) and I suppose I could keep comparing the rest of the team to Transformers but then I’d be writing for Slate. Their defense was also supposed to be awesome but I feel like they’re never that good but then again WHAT DO I KNOW?
THE GIANTS seems to kind of stink for portions of each year but occasionally they stop stinking towards the end and when that happens they win Super Bowls. Last year they started off stinking and did not stop until they were told by the NFL to stop playing games because they stink at it so much (some people call this the end of the regular season but I like to think that someone from the league office had to call angry-troll-waiting-for-a-bridge-to-be-built-over-him coach Tom Coughlin to tell him that he couldn’t yell at dudes anymore). They still have actual goober candy made into human form Eli Manning at quarterback and supposedly he will be revitalized under new offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo’s direction. I personally hope he isn’t because I live in New York and there is nothing worse then prideful New York sports fans (and I used to live in MASSACHUSETTS for crying out loud) and the 15 minutes I spend listening to WFAN in the shower (I do it to get the rage I need to keep going in life) are much more pleasurable when I can hear the sadness in the voice of Mike Francesa.
BUT TONIGHT! NO SADNESS! ONLY JOY! JOY FROM OUR RETURN! JOY FROM OUR NEW THEME SONG BY GOLDEN BOY! JOY FROM OUR NEW LOGO ILLUSTRATED BY THE AMAZING AARON DANA! JOY FOR OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH CLASSICAL HEAD HONCHO DAVID ROTH! LESS JOY FOR THE PEOPLE THAT SHOWED UP IN THE CAFE WHERE WE RECORDED THE INTERVIEW AND STARTE BASICALLY SHOUTING! JOY THAT MAYBE IT WAS SO CACOPHONOUS THAT THE INTERVIEW WOULD QUALIFY AS “SOUND ART”! JOY TO MY ATTEMPTS TO RECTIFY THIS PROBLEM IN GARAGE BAND WITH LITTLE TO NO FORMAL SOUND TRAINING! JOY TO THE FACT THAT THE WHOLE THING WILL APPEAR AS A PART OF OUR NEW WEEKLY PODCAST! JOY TO THE MORE NEWS YOU WILL GET ON THAT LATER! JOY TO CALL IN GUEST DAVE ZIRIN! HE WRITES FOR THE DAMN NATION! HE APPEARS ON FREAKING DEMOCRACY NOW!! THAT SECOND EXCLAMATION POINT WAS MINE BECAUSE I AM EXCITED AND ALSO BECAUSE DEMOCRACY NOW! HAS AN EXCLAMATION POINT IN THE TITLE! IT MAKES WRITING ABOUT IT A LITTLE CONFUSING! MAYBE WE CAN ASK DAVE ABOUT THAT! BUT ANYWAY! TONIGHT! WE RETURN! HERE! AND ON THE CLASSICAL! AT THE SPECIAL OPENING NIGHT TIME OF 7:10PM EASTERN! LISTEN! LEARN! OTHER WORD THAT STARTS WITH L! OH I GUESS LAUGH WOULD HAVE WORKED! FOOOOOOOOTTTTBBBBBBAAAAAALLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS BAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKK!
FOOTBALL IS BACK! TODAY! CRAP! As a fan of the team that won the Super Bowl last year I spent most of the offseason figuring out the best way to fold my arms and ignoring all NFL news outside of suspensions (which, holy crap look at this page, I guess I didn’t pay that much attention to them). Here I am though, typing away, so this preview should be pretty close to what you would get if you let 1000 monkeys type about the NFL thousand years or whatever (I don’t really know how you’d get monkeys to stay on topic, even that one monkey who could do sign language in Project X kind of just wanted to fly and eat an apple) or something you might read on Bleacher Report (ZING A ZING AH!). BUT HERE IT IS THE OFFICIAL FOOTBALLZ NFL PREVIEW COLD HARD LOCKS OF THE YEAR THAT YOU CAN PUT IN THE BANK AND TAKE TO VEGAS SO YOU CAN WIN ALL THE MONEY THEN BE SAD BECAUSE YOU WILL LATER REALIZE THAT MONEY NOT EARNED IS A CURSE AND THAT A LIFE OF LEISURE ISN’T WHAT YOU WANTED ANYWAY AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO DO WAS SCULPT BUT NO ONE WILL TAKE YOUR ART SERIOUSLY BECAUSE EVERYONE WILL WHISPER BEHIND YOUR BACK THAT YOU’RE A DILETTANTE WHO IS JUST DABBLING:
You will talk to someone about your fantasy team, they will not care no matter how much it looks like they do.
You will almost certainly hurt a loved ones feelings because you want to watch a football game.
You will be stuck in a bar with a loud fan of a team you don’t like, you will think up many many many insult to hurl at this person, you will say none of them.
Your team will lose, your team will win, your life will not get better or worse due to these things happening.
Someone you dislike will get something that you don’t think they deserve.
You will be upset that the national media is not paying enough attention to your team.
You will make yourself sick eating and drinking garbage that you never would in normal life but somehow feel is appropriate for watching football.
You will search for a Super Bowl party to go to, you will be upset that someone is talking too much during the game or commercials or halftime show at whichever party you end up at.
You will silently resent people that don’t care about football.
At some point during the season, probably after something terrible has happened to a player on the field, you will wonder if it is all worth it. You will momentarily feel immense guilt at enjoying a sport that is basically killing its players slowly while it makes money for old white dudes. You will wonder why you let so many outside forces control your emotions. You will then banish these thoughts away to the same guilt attic in your brain where your all your shame feelings live. That football based guilt will cozy up next to the knowledge that eating meat is bad for you and the world and how the phones we use and the clothes we wear are made by people in horrible working conditions. You will take a large sip of a terrible beer and then refocus your eyes on the screen because it’s third down and this is the play that could change the whole season/your life.
THERE YOU GO NERDS! OUR FIRST SHOW IS THIS COMING MONDAY! AND WE HAVE ALL SORTS OF FUN STUFF INCLUDING AN ALL NEW THEME SONG BY THE AMAZING GOLDEN BOY! SERIOUSLY, THIS SONG IS GOING TO BLOW YOUR URETHRA OUT! SO YOU BETTER GET SOME CATHETERS! PLUS MORE INTERVIEWS! MORE GUESTS! MORE BULLSHIT! FOOTBALL AND FOOTBALLZ SEASON IS HERE ASDOFASOIFAOIHAERHGUARUGNOAURNUGNAOEIRGIOJQEIGNIOERGOIERGERTJ!
So it is possible that you don’t know that I, your humble co-host, make art as well as talk too much. This season hopefully I will spend some time combining these things and to that end I’m going to be making posters (possibly, as with all things FOOTBALLZ besides the broadcast it depends on my level of lazyness/busyness) throughout the season. Maybe we’ll sell them or give them away in the hundreds of contest that we’re going to have this season or maybe they’ll just sit my apartment, you will get to see them all though. SEE THEM HERE! ON FOOTBALLZ! AT UNDEFINED TIMES! ARE YOU READY FOR 16 MORE WEEKS OF WRITING LIKE THIS! I HOPE SO! IT’S JUST WEEKS AWAY! GET READY DONGS!