Anybody else see this Mike Reiss’ tweet from earlier today? Either he meant to send this picture to his contractor for proposed work on his retaining wall, or he’s looking for appropriately creepy wooded areas to dump bodies.
THE TRAINING IS OVER DUDES because we have come upon it DRAAAAFFFTTTTT DAAAAYYYYY (or as my friend who works for the African American Studies Department of an Ivy League school calls it “that thing where they measure a bunch of dudes and then rich people get to pick which ones they own?”) and we here at FOOTBALLZ are ready. We’ve spent months reading mock drafts and insider analysis, hashing out team needs, watching game tape, and tak- oh no WE HAVEN’T DONE ANY OF THAT. I, personally, have been basking in the glow of my team’s SUPER BOWL VICTORY (I did not go though my boss did, and he brought me his ticket stub and some confetti AND I CHERISH THAT SHIT, so much so that I look at it and this pops into my head except in my version of the video it’s me and the Lombardi Trophy and I guess what we do on the beach is a little more like this) and wondering why there have been so many feet washing up in the the Great Northwest. The closest I’ve gotten to deep draft research is picking out the best and worst names for prospects (CHEERS: Jimmy Garoppolo! JEERS: Blake Bortles(opposite of exclamation point!)) and watching the worst movie (sorry I lied about reviewing it, life’s rich pageant of computer problems and rental car fuck ups got in the way. Don’t worry we’ll talk about the hot garbage movie plenty during the broadcast). I believe this has put us in the perfect position to tell you what you need to know about a bunch of names being said out loud by a total asswipe (YEAH I SAID ASSWIPE, TAKE THAT COMMISH! Actually this calls for an entire paragraph break level explanation.
Roger Goodell is a piece of shit for real. I listened to his interview on the normally pretty great Rich Eisen Podcast and despite knowing that this is an NFL sponsored endeavor, I was shocked at the level of hubris he had about expanding the playoffs and extending the season to 18 games. I was more shocked that in doing so he didn’t mention player safety even once, he spent more time talking about extending the draft to FOUR FUCKING DAYS then he did talking about player safety, he spent just as much time talking about hard core cat pornography as he did talking about player safety BECAUSE HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT PLAYER SAFETY FOR EVEN A SECOND. This is the great issue facing the NFL right now and the fucking head of the whole goddamn thing can talk about making these guys play more games, withstand more punishment, make him and the people he works for more money, without even for a moment attaching even the slightest caveat about doing so with respect to the players’ well being. WHAT A TOTAL DICK.)
while Jets fans lustily boo and dudes who get paid a lot more than us to argue about it. SO TONIGHT! WE WILL BRING YOU HOURS OF US TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE TALKING! WHICH WILL MOSTLY BE US JUST TALKING! AND THE REGULAR MUSIC DURING COMMERCIALS! UNLESS WE DECIDE WE WANT TO KEEP TALKING OVER THOSE TOO! I HAVE SOME GREAT TUNES LINED UP EITHER WAY! AND GUESTS! WE’LL BE TALKING TO ACTUAL JETS WHO CAN IS LITERATE ENOUGH TO WRITE FRED KATZ! PERHAPS WE WILL HAVE HIM ON THE PHONE WHILE THE JETS PICK! AND THEN LATER IN THE SHOW BOB SILVERMAN! WHO IS GOING TO THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY JUST LIKE ME! TO WRITE SOMETHING THAT I ALSO PLAN ON WRITING ABOUT! LET’S SEE HOW THAT CONVERSATION GOES! IT ALLLLLLL GOES DOWN TONIGHT! AT 8PM! OR PROBABLY A LITTLE EARLIER! HERE! AT FOOTBALLZ! AND PROBABLY OVER AT THE CLASSICAL’S CLOG! TALKING ABOUT TALKING! FOOTBALL! AMMMMERRRRIIIICCCAAAAAAA!
WE ARE BACK, AGAIN! Did you all enjoy the Superb Owl? I did, that Owl surpassed superb and ended up supreme for me BECAUSE MY TEAM WON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHFDOHASDFIOHQIOWRFONQOFNNRFNQEFQIORFPIJWFPJQWRFIPJR, those were the sounds my brain made during and after the game. I had a party to go to after and the party had free drinks and cool people and awesome music for dancing but I was totally wrung out emotionally so I was just like whatever. THAT WAS MY DREAM STYLE OF PARTY ALWAYS and it meant nothing, such was the power of that owl. ANYWAY now we get to the boringest (why does spellcheck not want that to be a word, I use it enough to know it is totally a word) part of any football season, the stupid stupid stupid draft. A time of year where no one is playing football but we still get the all of the regular yelling and speculation from the dudes in bad suits that talk while people are playing football, great. Not only are they yelling still but now they have even less knowledge then they did before and they have almost nothing to yell about other than kids who are barely old enough to drink and how much they suck. BUT WE DON’T CARE, we’re here to add our own terrible voices to this cacophony of nonsense, our own lack of expertise to the vast ocean of inexpertise (which should be a word FOR REALZ) that rules the day here on the internet/television. YES, WE HERE AT FOOTBALLZ WILL STOOP TO COVER THE DRAFT! I mean we watched the whole Pro Bowl for crying out loud (we did get to see this, which was weirdly engrossing despite the fact that naked female bodies appearing on a screen has such ubiquity in this day and age. Dudes’ capacity for wanting to possibly seeing a spontaneous titty is more vast than the universe) so how could we resist talking for five hours over a program that is pretty much just other people talking? FOOTBALLZ LIVES FOR THIS GARBAGE!
I was not always so cool to the draft’s charms, when I was a youth I used to live for it (of course this was when my team, THE WORLD CHAMPION SEATTLE SEAHAWKS, were terrible). The draft was a day when your team could “win” without playing a single down, a day where even the truly awful could see hope over that next hill, a day where my dad would totally let me stay home from Synagogue so I could watch (he was less excited when I would beg to stay home for the annual Red Dwarf marathon on PBS (he did tape if for me though, thanks Dad!)). I would set up in our tv room with three newspapers and as many draft magazines as I could afford to watch with rapt attention as a series of names was read and then a bunch of dudes argued about those names (I wish they had actually argued about the names, Chris Berman: “Ryan Leaf really looks more like a Chet to me.” Mel Kiper: “WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! He’s totally a Ryan, if anything I feel like he should go with the more popular first name spelling of his last name, Ryan Leif has all the name makings of a teen idol!”). I LOVED IT but I was also kind of a miserable child at that age so now that I’m “grown up” or at least hopefully approaching the end of this extended adolescence that has masqueraded as adulthood so far I have come to recognize THIS THING IS TOTAL BULLSHIT.
THIS BULLSHIT THING WILL BE WORTH A WEEK OR SO COVERAGE FROM FOOTBALLZ THOUGH. Next week, as we lead up to our LIVE COVERAGE OF ROUND 1 THAT BEGINS THURSDAY MAY 8TH AT 8PM OR SO, we will reawaken for all sorts of nonsense. This nonsense may just entail my review of Draft Day (here’s a preview, I THOUGHT IT WAS AWFUL) and a “mock draft” of some kind BUT WHO KNOWS! WE COULD DO ANYTHING! ALSO! I WILL BE AT THE DRAFT ON SATURDAY! JUST LOOK FOR THE GUY WHO LOOKS SUPER SAD AND IS WONDERING WHY HE TOOK A DAY OFF FROM WORK TO DO THIS! BUT I KNOW WHY! FOR YOU, DEAR READER! AND ALSO BECAUSE MAYBE I HATE MYSELF! AND FEEL LIKE THINGS LIKE THIS ARE PUNISHMENT FOR ALL OF THE WRONGS I HAVE DONE BOTH KNOWINGLY AND UNKNOWINGLY IN MY LIFE! WHEW THAT GOT WEIRD! BUT WEIRD IS WHAT WE DO! AND WE ARE GOING TO DO IT ALLLLLLLLLLLLL OVER THE NFL DRAFT! SO PUT ON YOUR GALLAGHER STYLE FRONT ROW PONCHOS OR WE MIGHT GET OUR WEIRD ON YOU!
FINALLY, here is our interview with the excellent Gina Beavers in all of its lo-fi glory (I promise to get a microphone before next season). Gina is a true delight and her work is fantastic and can be seen soon in person/in public, so check that out! Also check out our conversation.
PS this may be the last time you hear from us for a couple of months, we’ll hopefully be doing some updates on the website and definitely celebrating the greatest victory in all of sport. We’ll be back in late April/early May for the most exciting reading of a bunch of names since the NBA Draft, THE NFL DRAFT! Till then, enjoy your boring Sundays.
Welcome to the Second Annual FOOTBALLZ Superb Owl Preview! Are all you guys ready for the Big Game (for an easy explanation of why most commercials do not refer to Big Game with its official title please read this or if you are too lazy to read that just know that NFL loves suing people (except us apparently so let’s drop the pretense SUPERBOWLSUPERBOWLSUPERBOWL). Next year we here at FOOTBALLZ will attempt to copyright Big Game so we can successfully sue both lame businesses that get you to go to them and also hunters!) because we for sure are AND WE ARE HERE TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU! We will not be broadcasting this game because we would like to enjoy it BUT WE CAN TELL YOU THINGS TO TELL PEOPLE AT THE SUPER BOWL PARTIES THAT YOU SHOULD BE GOING TO (I had a non-football loving friend describe Super Bowl Sunday as American Christmas minus the gift and family tension and I think that’s about right, so think of it that way people who would rather spend all day on social media talking about how the Super Bowl is awful (also please refrain from spreading the usual Super Bowl hater rumors about human abuse as they are bullshit and the only thing worse than a scold is misinformed scold. Please do talk about how pot is legal in the states that the teams are from because that is only slightly more interesting). SO LETS BREAK DOWN THESE TEAMS!
THE DENVER BRONCOS were one of my least favorite teams as a youth, they were in the same conference as my beloved Seahawks and while helmed by former-quarterback-now-team-president-and-possible-half-horse-at-least-in-the-face-area John Elway would often beat them in a way that would make me cry. I took solace for a while in the fact that those teams often lost in the Big Game but then they went ahead and won two in a row, cementing my hatred for life. Though over the years the Broncos related anger has subsided (I don’t openly root for a Dark Knight Rises like stadium destruction during one of their games as I might the Steelers or the 49ers) I still think that being a fan of their’s is a close to friendship ending offense. They also employ Peyton Manning and he is the worst (more on that later) and even though it isn’t true, Denver seems like the town that Dave Matthews should be from.
MOST LIKABLE PLAYER
This is a tough one as all other personalities on the team are overshadowed by the monolithic Manning, but there are some other somewhat interesting dudes on the team. There is a dude nicknamed “Pot Roast” which is kind of cool until you find out that he got that nickname because once he ordered pot roast (he really should have ordered the Shrimp Alfredo, because having a player who’s nickname was “Shrimp Alfredo” would be awesome (he would probably be an italian kicker if we’re being real here)) so there’s that. Wide Receiver Eric Decker is a good player and also took these photos with his wife and they had a reality show (I didn’t see it, I don’t have cable, I ALSO LIVE IN NEW YORK) and that is kind of interesting but it doesn’t really do it for me. I guess we’ll just have to go with Knowshon Moreno because of his amazing giant tears:
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the most interesting/likable member of the Broncos retired midway through the season. John Moffitt would have ruled media day and in memory of his football career please enjoy this video.
LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER
For sure this is human advertisement machine Peyton Manning. Dude is the Hank Kingsley of quarterbacks, he hasn’t met an endorsement he won’t do. Also he shills for Papa Johns and that is the pizza they serve in hell.
He also has a freakishly large forehead (perhaps that is what lead him to seek advertisements, look like a billboard-act like a billboard) and the regular media loves him, no one should love a rich kid that much.
THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS are my favorite team and having them in the Super Bowl is a true joy, less of a joy is having that game take place in a stadium within public transportation travel to my house (see ’cause I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW). The thought that the game will be taking place so close in space but so far away in affordability has plagued me all week (if there is a charitable FOOTBALLZ fan who wants to send me to the game, THERE IS STILL TIME, just email me at email@example.com) and will be stuck in the back of my mind even as the game takes place (sorry everyone that will be watching with me, it will not be fun for you ). When my boss, who got tickets through a business connect, jokingly suggested that if someone kneecapped his wife I could have her ticket I immediately started thinking of who could be my Shane Stant (note to all parents, any child who’s name is an alliteration is destined for low level infamy. Kris Kristofferson was the exception, not the rule.) before I came to my senses. Nevertheless I will enjoy (if “enjoy” means ignore all other humans in the room, drink too much, nervously eat whatever is in front of me (please no one put a bowl of batteries in front of me during the game), and contort my body looking for a “lucky” position to sit in) the game from the comfort of a warm room where beer is much cheaper that I didn’t have to pay tolls to get to, so there’s a bright side. ANYWAY, enough about me, the Seahawks are great (and actually try to treat their players like people rather than like death machines) and if you root against them then you are certainly human garbage.
MOST LIKABLE PLAYER
This one is pretty easy, the Seahawks starting backfield is pretty awesome. Marshawn Lynch (who has a Seattle Aquarium crab named after him, will go to a local donut shop in his Lamborghini wearing a Fuck You sweatshirt, and apparently fix your plumbing) and Michael Robinson are a fantastic team, where Lynch is reluctant to speak, Robinson has had his own in locker room talk show (you can lose about 4 hours watching all of those and it’ll be worth it). When they team up it makes for some memorable stuff. Getting heavier with these dudes, you can learn about Marshawn’s tough life here (the moment where he accidentally says “Fuck ‘em” is great) and about Robinson’s fight back from life a threatening illness just this season here. All in all these should be your dudes, boss.
LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER
Most will have you believe it’s media black hole Richard Sherman (I will not go any deeper on a subject that has been covered extensively but to say that it remains weird that people freak out about this dude and then openly root for dudes like Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger) but I would posit that wide receiver Golden Tate is the least likable Seahawk. Between his vicious on field taunting and wearing of Google Glass/Go Pro camera at Super Bowl media day, he just seems like a bit of a dick. LOOK IT’S TOUGH TO PICK A LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER ON YOUR FAVORITE TEAM OKAY!
SO THAT’S THAT, everything you need to know about this game for the most part. Enjoy the Super Bowl and don’t watch the halftime show because it is Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that is the halftime equivalent of Papa John’s pizza. SEE YOU LATER BONERS!
How have you guys been enjoying football without FOOTBALLZ? We have has some mixed feelings here at FOOTBALLZ HQ but we have struggled through these weeks of merely talking to the tv screen rather than talking to the both of you that listen to us as well as the TV screen. BUT THIS SUNDAY WE ARE BACK! FOR ONE MORE RIDE INTO THE BREACH! Yes, we are covering the worst all-star game in all of pro sports, THE (should not be using the word)PRO BOWL! This week we’ll be back guiding you through what promises to be a boring weird game that the NFL has kept alive in an attempt to squeeze one more bag of cash out of their players that they don’t really care about the safety of.
In this day and age every all-star game is kind of pointless. It used to be that the various all-star games would serve as a chance for fans to be treated to the talents of players that are in media markets outside of their own. These days, however, with the internet and sports networks and all the places you can see highlights, the novelty of seeing these outside your market stars has lost its luster, we have all the stars in all the markets. One might think then, that an all star game is the chance to see great athletes make great plays with players that they don’t normally get to play with, it is in this case that the Pro Bowl falls flattest. Football plays are made great by the cohesion between the players, the repetition during practice that produces the timing needed on the field, and the Pro Bowl has none of that, the players are thrown together for maybe two practices. It also has a bunch of dudes who just got done avoiding serious injury all year playing the most brutal team sport in all of North America so we should all forgive them for taking not going 100% in a meaningless exhibition game.
BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT, instead of teams divided up by conference the NFL has made two former players (who have become broadcasters) the “GMs” of each team and allowed them to draft their players (this would have been much more fun if they had picked random people off the street who knew nothing of the game to choose the teams). They also televised this process, apparently it was SUPER BORING (I guess I could have said “more like Pro Bowring, right?” (like pro bowl and pro boring as opposed to super bowl and super boring) but that would have been terrible and maybe kind of racist?), luckily I don’t have cable so I had an excuse for escaping what seemed like a total nightmare (another way this could have been cooler/weirder (for this game I’ll take either) is if they didn’t have positions and just chose whomever they wanted, why not have kickers as QBs? Defensive ends as wide receivers? Offensive linemen punting? Not to get too Bill Simmons but WHO WOULDN’T WATCH THIS?). Anyone who did sit through the hours of coverage for this nonsense without being paid or losing a bet should seek professional help immediately
I ask you though, IS THERE A GAME WE SHOULD BE COVERING ANY MORE THAN THIS? This game is perfect for us, a monument to the pointlessness of football played in warm place while we all shiver through the worst part of the year. THIS IS WHAT FOOTBALLZ IS HERE FOR! SPORTS ARE POINTLESS SO LET US DISCUSS WHATEVER! LET’S WATCH THIS DUMB THING TOGETHER AND MAKE JOKES AT THE EXPENSE OF THOSE WHO HAVE IT GENERALLY BETTER THAN WE DO! LET PRO THIS BOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL! HERE! 7PM EASTERN! SUNDAY! PLUS A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH AWESOME ARTIST GINA BEAVERS! AND SOME OTHER BULLSHIT PROBABLY!
I know we’ve been away for a little while what with families and holidays and snowstorms and whatnot but we wanted to drop this gem on your heads while you enjoy the playoffs (that we DO NOT comment on because people care too much about the games). I sat down with old pal Ben Sisto to discuss his career in the arts among a host of other topics, stories are told, gossip spilled, and Larry King gets thrown under the bus. This was a fun one, SO CHECK IT OUT DUM DUMS.
PS We’ll be back with our FOOTBALLZ award show/PRO BOWL live commentary on January 26th at 7pm Eastern, so keep your eyes open and ears warmed for our return to them SOON ENOUGH.