This is it, this week is your chance to see us in all of out having faces and not just being voices on the internet glory because THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS LIVE! I mean, all of our shows are live, we don’t sit around in our studio with Samantha Morton in a weird pool of like skim milk or whatever at the beginning of the season and do all this in advance. If we did I’d hope we’d do a better job at making the show and also use Samantha Morton’s skim milk bath powers to do something that would enrich either us or the rest of the world or both for crying out loud (but I mean us first and only if bald ass Samantha Morton was okay with it, we are totally better people than Max Von Sydow). WHATEVER, tonight you can come see us at a place with beer that is pretty good (the place is good, beers are more subjective) and it will be awesome. I know at this point all you can think about is putting our amazing faces together with the voices that soothe you so deeply every week but there will actually be a game for us to talk about so let’s preview these dumb teams!
THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are on the downside of a run that has seen them win two Super Bowls in the last nine years and thank all that is holy that they are. The Steelers are one of those “marquee franchises” that we are stuck hearing about all the time even though they’ve finished 8-8 the last two years and the most notable thing done on the field last year was by their coach. We also get to hear about their owners, the legendary Rooney Family, all the time as well and this is stupid because while they did do some good things they are still part of the super rich cabal of NFL owners and they still employ this jerk. Also they employ this jerk and also used to employ this jerk so it makes a man wonder, is Pittsburgh the site of the legendary jerk store? This year the Steelers are right in line for another 8-8 finish, currently they’re 3-3 but one of their losses came at the hands of Tampa Bay and Tampa Bay is so terrible that judging by their new uniforms they were sent back from the future to stink at football to prevent some sort of apocalyptic event. AND THE STEELERS COULDN’T EVEN HELP THEM WITH THAT, see The Steelers are the worst.
THE HOUSTON TEXANS are also 3-3 but for them that is fine because last year was a nightmare and they’ll take anything that isn’t former QB Matt Schaub throwing interception after interception. Unfortunately that means that they are taking the quarterback stylings of yes-we-all-know-you-went-to-Harvard Ryan Fitzpatrick who is just good enough to get you and keep you at .500. Luckily for them they have JJ Watt who, while he isn’t looking like Frankenstein’s Monster in human face paint or making terrible ads that we have to watch all season, is maybe the best player in football. Watt is very very very very very very very good and even I, a coldhearted monster who wishes nothing good on anything that resides in or comes from Texas (outside of Friday Night Lights), can appreciate his talents. They also still have Arian Foster and he is good despite how much people make of him being a vegan and his terrible tattoo. SO THEY HAVE SOME THINGS GOING FOR THEM. WHAT DO WE HAVE GOING FOR US THOUGH? WEEELLLLLLLLLL TONIGHT! ON THE INTERNET AT 8:30! BUT GET TO THE BAR BY 8! FOOTBALLZ! LIVE! WITH A CAVALCADE OF GUESTS! INCLUDING RED SOX DJ TJ CONNELLY! COMEDIANS SHAUN BEDGOOD! AND KOFI THOMAS! AND KEN REID! THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE! BUT THERE WILL BE MORE! PROBABLY A RAFFLE OF SOME SORT! AND A SPECIAL LIVE PERFORMANCE OF THE 4TH QUARTER POLL THEME! AND EVEN MORE! IT’S GONNA KIND OF BE LIKE THIS! EXCEPT WITH FEWER SUPER FAMOUS PEOPLE! AND LESS DOOR KNOCKING! WELL, NO DOOR KNOCKING ACTUALLY! BUT MAYBE! YOU’LL HAVE TO COME TO THIS TO FIND OUT! OR LISTEN IN LIKE USUAL! SURE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE IF WE HAVE A DOOR OR PARTICIPATE IN THE RAFFLE OR WHATEVER! BUT IT WILL STILL BE FUN! FOOTBALLZ COMES ALIVE! TONIGHT!
Here we are, week six, 3/8th of the way through the season, THAT’S LIKE ALMOST HALFWAY! And today my team lost SO I HATE IT! Ah, the delights of staring a week of NFL talk about how good your team isn’t in the face. I’m currently in the first stage as I type this, full media blackout. I’m watching a terrible tv show on Netflix and will probably avoid all football related media till the game Monday night. LUCKILY this week we have two teams who I totally do not like so I can enjoy some dudes I am not into losing no matter what. If I can’t fell joy at least I can delight in the misery of others and that is why I write things on the internet. SO LET’S HEAR ABOUT THESE TEAMS THAT I DON’T LIKE.
THE SAN FRANCISCO FOURTY NINERS are perhaps my least favorite team in all of sports! They’re coached by a crybaby, who’s motto is “who’s got it better than us”, which makes people sound like dicks, even though I think it is supposed to make it sound like you are all grateful for how rad everything in your life is? Is that what it’s supposed to mean? I’m really not sure. It just seems like a thing that probably if it is your motto you shouldn’t tell people about it. Plus it seems like nobody likes this dude and he is not going to coach there next year, which is crazy since he took this team to the NFC championship game the last three years. HE MUST REALLY BE A DICK. Also, they play in San Francisco, oh wait nope, they play in Santa Clara, so like many companies in the Frisco (yes, I know that they hate it when they call it that) area they’re just treating the actual city like a bedroom community. Whatever, San Francisco stinks, it’s got all the pretension of New York except way stupider and it invented Burning Man. Colin Kaepernick’s turtle is cool though.
THE ST. LOUIS RAMS actually don’t evoke that much ire from me, I liked them when they won the Super Bowl that one time and their helmets are great (I actually prefer their older helmets but in this world of bland helmets you take what you can get). Right now though, the city and county of St Louis is kind of having a moment in the spotlight and it isn’t because of the fucking ribs and the sports fans there are being totally cool about it. So sorry Jeff Fisher, but you betrayed mustaches owners everywhere by moving onto the hideous Van Dyke, the scourge of facial hair havers around the world, and the city you coach in is filled with racists SO UP YOUR’S AND UP YOUR’S TO YOUR TEAM ALSO! SO TONIGHT WE WILL BE ALL UP YOUR EARS! WITH TALKING! AND NOT JUST US! WE WILL HAVE GUESTS! LONGTIME PAL JOSH LEVIN IS OUR HALFTIME INTERVIEW! AND IT SOUNDS SUPER GOOD BECAUSE HE LET ME DO IT AT THE SLATE OFFICES RATHER THAN AT A NOISY COFFEE SHOP OR POLISH RESTAURANT! PLUS A PHONE CALL FROM ROLLING STONE/GRANTLAND’S JASON GALLAGHER! PLUS ALL OF THE REGULAR CRAP! AND IT’S A “HOLIDAY”! SO THERE’S THAT! I PROMISE TO BE IN A BETTER MOOD THAN I AM NOW! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! LISTEN TO US TALK CRAP ABOUT A DUMB GAME THAT MAKES US ALL SAD! WOO-HOO!
BOOM! We’re back with FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Volume 3! IN THIS EPISODE we have the highlights of our week 3 broadcast of the Jets/Bears game that featured the talking talents of Erik and Andrew of the We Hate Movies Podcast and the full interview with comedian Lillian Devane. EVERYBODY IS GREAT! LISTEN IN FOOLS!