FOOTBALLZ

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Falcon for the new millenium

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let's hope we don't

DRUNKS

YES YOU MAY BEGIN YOUR CEREMONIAL WEEPING, for tonight is the final FOOTBALLZ of the season and what a season it has been. This happened, and this happened, and this happened, and this happened, and this happened a ton of times (but you didn’t hear it right? Cause you were listening to us, right? RIGHT?) AND IT WAS ALL AWESOME. Unfortunately, as all things do, our season must come to an end but we refuse to go out with a whimper (unless it is our hero) NO WE MUST GO OUT WITH A BANG (not in the sexy way you gross outs, we go out like a totally non-sexy explosion that is still awesome (although recently a non-football loving friend asked me what percentage of football plays are homoerotic and I had to say “all of them”, see also)), so to this end we are constructing the first (and possibly last) OFFICIAL FOOTBALLZ DRINKING GAME.

Now you must be aware, we are old dudes and have not played drinking games in some time so this may ruin us completely and the fourth quarter may be just the sounds of giggling/crying/vomiting (we will leave it up to you, loyal listener to guess which one of us will be doing each) so we are being a little conservative with our rules. Bellow are what we have so far, for clarity’s sake a “sip” will always be of beer and a “shot” will be of the most disgusting thing we can find at the liquor store that costs less than $30 before the game (my guess is that it will be this). Feel free to play along:

Any penalty= a sip

Illegal Touching= Finish your beer

Challenge flag= two sips

Overturned call= shot

Field goal= sip

Field goal of 50+ yards= finish your beer

Touchdown= two sips

Touchdown scored on a trick play (flea flicker, reverse, fake field goal/punt)= shot

safety= shot

Referee mic malfunction= sip

Referee mic malfunction that allows a swear to make it on the air= shot

Mike Tirico’s pink highlighter= sip

Jon Gruden gesticulating wildly= sip

Ron Jaworski  visibly upset= sip

Stuart Scott’s walk and talk Sportscenter preview= drink your beer until the segment is done

Feel free to reply with other suggestions or ideas, these rules may change before or during the game.

ALSO THERE IS A GAME, the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons with some important playoff seeding on the line. I kind said all I can about the Saints a few weeks ago, I can add that over the last couple of weeks they have gotten better and are really hitting their stride going into the playoffs and are probably the best bet to derail the Packers locomotive of winning (look at this lady standing next to it). The Falcons are kind of good? Maybe? Their quarterback still has a terrible nickname (and no, we will not be drinking Natty Ice for the game, that would be like choosing sides (mostly against ourselves)) and they are mad boring. BUT WHO CARES! TONIGHT WE BARF OUT PURE JOY! WON’T IT BE AWESOME TO LISTEN TO US RAMBLE AND THIS TIME SLUR OUR WORDS WHILE WE DO SO?! BECAUSE JEEZ, ISN’T IT HILARIOUS WHEN SEMI-FAMOUSE (THAT E IS THERE ON PURPOSE) PEOPLE GET DRUNK AND MAKE YOU PAY TO WATCH IT?! MAYBE YOU WILL GET DRUNK TOO AND HATE YOUR TUESDAY? DON’T WE ALL HAVE TO “WARM UP OUR LIVERS” FOR NEXT WEEK? WE HAVE THE ANSWERS TO NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS! BUT WE WILL HAVE OURSELVES AND YOU AND ALL OF THE FUN OF THE FINAL FOOTBALLZ GAME OF THE YEAR! WHAT SECRETS WILL BE REVEALED? FIND OUT TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

You will see this dude in your nightmares

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"dude, when is that rock soup going to be ready? All this hat wearin' is making me HUNGRY!"

LAST MINUTE SHOPPERS,

"seriously, I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek, if you do that trick where you turn your head we will NOT have a second date."

This is a terrible thing to drive

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this is apparently a deficit hawk and the drawing is as stupid as those who support those views POLITICS!

Booglarizers,

THIS WEEK, OH MY THIS WEEK. Many many many people consider this the worst game of the Monday Night Football season, pitting the hapless St. Louis Rams (record: 2-10) against the somewhat less hapless Seattle Seahawks (5-7). Some people might even say that this is the biggest collection of slapdicks you’ll see on the field all year (well him and this guy). The only dick slapping that will be done by this writer Monday Night will the dick slaps of pure joy because he will get to watch his favorite team on national television. There is no greater joy for a fan then when his largely ignored by national media team gets to take the field in a prime time Monday Night game and tonight YOU ALL HAVE TO WATCH THE SEAHAWKS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

be happy this dude wears a helmet

Here is the thing though, the Seahawks are not super terrible. Though they have lost both their starting cornerbacks, 3/5th or their offensive line, and their prized free agent #1 wide receiver, all for the season I might add, they sit at 5-7 with an outside shot at the playoffs and it appears that they are only getting better as the season progresses. Sure, their quarterback was though by many to suck royally and their star running back is a skittles loving weirdo with a face only a mother could love (as a Seahawks fan I am required at any mention of Marshawn Lynch to link to this video and this gif) but they have run off wins in three of their last four games and their defense is young and underrated . Also their coach is either a really awesome dude or a lying asshole but one thing is for sure, he really talks like a goofball. NO MATTER WHAT THOUGH I AM GOING TO TALK ABOUT ALL OF THEM ALL NIGHT LONG SO BE READY JERKWATERS.

this is apt

On the other side of the ball are the St. Louis Rams and oh boy do they stink. They, like almost everyone, thought that this year would be different, that they were making the changes that would lead to more success, that their old bad habits were done, that they would finally quit their job/boyfriend/girlfriend/terrible autoerotic asphyxiation addiction that had kept them down for so long. Unfortunately for them this year has been like all the rest, they went and joined the gym and even bought fancy shorts and whistles only to walk guiltily by the entrance every day after work on their way to their 5:30 eating more pizza/shame appointment (or at least whatever the football equivalent is, they’re 2-10 for the season and what was thought to be a promising young team headed in the right direction is in shambles). They will hope tonight, possibly behind third string quarterback who looks like this (that photo is life size, don’t worry. I mean, yes, it would be awesome if he had a regular human body and his head was that small but then he’d have to use one of those mini helmets that came out of a vending machine), to start to turn their season around and save their coach’s job. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THOSE DUMB LOSERS! THE SEAHAWKS ARE PLAYING TONIGHT AND I HAVE BEEN WAITING THREE YEARS TO BLAH BLAH BLAH ABOUT THEM TO AN UNSUSPECTING (AND POSSIBLY VERY QUICKLY UNLISTENING) PUBLIC! GET READY TO REAP MY AURAL WHIRLWIND! LOCK YOUR HEADS IN THE FOOTBALL CELLAR WITH YOUR ATHLETIC SOCK PRESERVES AND YOUR DAD’S HIDDEN PORNO COLLECTION BECAUSE THIS ONE WILL BLOW YOUR EAR DOORS OFF! TONIGHT! 8:30PM! FOOTBALLZ.ORG!

sure this one WAS easy

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this one is for the Power Pop Pop Pop

Exploding Banana Faces,

This week is perhaps the nadir of our humble schedule (some might point to next week’s Seattle-St. Louis game, but we here at Footballz are excited for that in ways we will explain in our next preview), the San Diego Chargers and the Jacksonville Jaguars are two utterly mediocre teams playing for very little here at three quarters left in the season. Fortunately this is why we exist, to elevate mediocrity with our own brand of mediocrity, like when a double negative makes a positive (litotes! (confession, I did just look that up on wikipedia and no matter how many weird looking dudes stare right at me I will never ever ever ever read a personal appeal)) or when two kind of okay looking people stand next to each other and you just get used to okay looking people so you think they look better than okay (I looked on wikipedia and there is no term for this, I’ll call it in mediaface res). We will lash ourselves to the sinking hull of this game and you should watch/listen to us drown as we make Guy Whimper jokes. What is for sure the most exciting thing about this game outside of Guy Whimper is that both these teams pretty much have no coaches but in very different ways, let’s delve into that CA-RAZY CA-NUNDRUM.

Our Hero

The Jacksonville Jags don’t have a coach in a more conventional way, they fired the awesomely named (but no Guy Whimper) but not so awesomely equipped to coach Jack Del Rio and handed over the reigns to kind of boringly named possibly capable defensive co-ordinator Mel Tucker. Fortunately for Jags fans (all 25 of them) the defense has been the bright spot in an otherwise terrible year, ranked second by Football Outsiders advanced metrics that are made up of equations that I cannot understand because math lost me at trigonometry (THANKS MS. PANKY! (side ms. panky related TD’s high school experience note, we tried to name our desk cluster the Sex Pistols for one semester and she made us shorten it to The Pistols, she was also the cheerleader coach)). Mel will have to try to get something out of rookie quarterback “Nothing Ever Happens In” Blaine Gabbert or else the fine folks of Florida (who already seem a little pissed) will hate him and his ass face.

Yes Norv, we were shocked about the firing too

The San Diego Chargers are in a different coach situation (not to be confused with the many wacky situations that occurred on Craig T. Nelson’s Coach), you see it seems like after many seasons of will they or won’t they (which never happened on Coach) the Chargers brass will finally fire Norv Turner (what will these guys or these guys do?) at the end of the season and that sucks. If I was Norv the rest of the season would be all about trying the plays that I dreamed up in my head but were too scared to try (and stealing office supplies). Like this one or this one and definitely this one or if he didn’t like those he could just let his kicker piss all over the field. Unfortunately Norv will just do what he’s always done as a head coach, do his job terribly. SO TONIGHT! WITNESS THIS EPIC MATCH BETWEEN THE FRESHLY HIRED AND THE SOON TO BE FIRED! OH YES IT WILL BE DELICIOUS! LIKE A FRITO PIE! IT WOULD BE AWESOME IF SOMEONE BAKED US A FRITO PIE! 8:30PM! WWW.FOOTBALLZ.ORG!