So my baseball season ended yesterday (other people wrote about this better) and oh boy was it a BUMMER. It got me thinking why do we even care? Why bother? Why not let people who boringly deride “sportballs” on social media be right? Why, during this bleakest of NFL seasons as we await a bag of dicks in a suit’s possible resignation and replacement with a slightly less full bag of dicks in a suit (or maybe Condi Rice, which would be a great idea because the last time she was involved in a big enterprise she totally didn’t make up information to suit the company’s needs), do we still watch? But then, as I walked down my street, slightly drunk and listening to a particularly stirring Queen song, I was happy. Happy to be sad, happy to be able to feel things, happy to know that fellow humans felt the same way, happy to be able to express those things. Sports can be stupid and wasteful and dangerous and the business of it can be crushing but the chance to feel things outside ourselves, to feel joy and sadness in the collective acts of others, to share that joy and sadness openly with other people, that is pretty amazing. WHEW, THINGS GOT HEAVY IN THE KITCHEN (where, for some reason, across many apartments, I’ve always written these things) THIS MORNING! Enough feelings now, let’s preview tonight’s game!
THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS may finally be in true decline, whatever deal gross tongue kisser/person to be portrayed by Andy Serkis in a movie/head coach Bill Belichick struck with whatever devil to allow the Patriots to be successful for so long may finally be coming due. The team has not looked good this season, Tom Brady is in certain decline and the team’s inability to draft a single position player of talent that is not injury/murder indictment-prone has hamstrung the offense. Just last week they were a bounce away from a home loss to the very very terrible at football Oakland Raiders. I will say this kind of stuff gets written every year and somehow, probably through witchcraft or something, the Pats end up winning 11 games. Could this year be different? (why am I asking so many questions in this preview?) WHO KNOWS? Certainly not me, I barely even watched football yesterday, I was at the spa.
THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS will not be as good this year as they were last year, it is known, but they are probably not as bad as people think because things are never as good or bad as people think, brains are weird like that. I honestly don’t really care about anybody on this team but their coach, Andy Reid, is delightful when happy. You can’t help but enjoy a jolly fat man in red. The Chiefs have one really good player, running back Jamaal Charles, that they sometimes forget about and a defense that’s pretty decent, but other than that THESE GUYS ARE A SNOOZE! BUT YOU KNOW WHO WON’T BE! US! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! ON THIS WEBSITE! AND THE CLASSICAL.ORG! YOU KNOW THE DRILLY! I’LL TOTALLY TALK ABOUT MY SPA DAY! IT WAS AMAZING! STEAM ROOMS RULE! I COULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT THE LADY WHO WAS GIVING ME A MASSAGE MAKING THAT SOUND YOU MAKE WHEN YOU READ SOMETHING SLIGHTLY AMUSING ON YOUR COMPUTER EVERY COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE SHE TOUCHED MY BODY! I’M GUESSING (HOPING!) IT WAS JUST A TIC THAT SHE HAS BUT WHO CAN SAY? NOT OUR AMAZING GUESTS TONIGHT! WHO ARE THEY YOU ASK? WELL, AT HALFTIME WE WILL HAVE AN INTERVIEW WITH LONGTIME FRIEND OF THE PROGRAM GREGG GETHARD! MAYBE HE WILL TALK ABOUT HIS RECENT YELP RELATED FAME! I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE MAC DID THIS INTERVIEW! AND IN THE SECOND HALF WE’LL HAVE ILLUSTRATOR AARON DANA IN THE STUDIO! HE DREW OUR FACES! SCROLL UP TO SEE THEM! I WILL PROBABLY ASK HIM WHO’S FACE WAS HARDER TO DRAW! AND TRY NOT TO INSULT HIM FOR DOING SUCH AN AMAZING JOB! BUT I HAVE WEIRD ISSUES ABOUT MY FACE! SO MAYBE I WILL ACCIDENTALLY INSULT HIM! JEEZ, I REALLY HOPE NOT! WE’LL ALL SEE (ACTUALLY HEAR) TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM!
ANOTHER WEEK OF SUPER COOL NFL NEWS! THE VIKINGS RELEASED THE PERSON WHO DID THIS! FOR WEED! Sure it was a lot of weed and continued a series of incidents of drug and alcohol “abuse” but the Vikings are still paying someone who did this to their child (warning, some graphic images in that post)! SUPER COOL DUDES! Also there is this whole thing which ughguguhguhfgufnbaiunfu, I can’t, I just can’t. Whatever, FOOTBALLZ IS HAPPENING AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT! Usually I have to travel because I’ve lived in crappy apartments with no cable and now I live in NYC while the rest of the FOOTBALLZ team lives in MA. This week everybody else is in town to play this thing (which I guess you should check out while listening to FOOTBALLZ on your iphone or whatever? Also this means that the show might start with just me talking, FINALLY!) so they all have to come over to my less crappy apartment (we’ve been cleaning all morning so that’s why this is going up late, I type with hands that have recently cleaned a toilet) that still has no cable. WAIT WHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA? How are we going to do this without having cable? WE ARE GOING TO DO WHAT ANY RIGHT THINKING NFL FAN SHOULD DO AND STEAL THIS SHIT! We have our regular places that we boost this stuff from but if you have any suggestions feel free to email them to FOOTBALLZTALK AT GMAIL DOT COM. That being said this may lead to some strange lag time issues so this may the most disconcerting to listen to live FOOTBALLZ ever! Now with all those caveats out of the way, let’s preview the game!
THE NEW YORK JETS may be the only NYC sports team that I can stand (maybe also the Mets, but for sure not the Nets). Rex Ryan is a weirdo and that is awesome. Also they, unlike their stadium mates who’s grey pants have disturbed me since time immemorial, have great uniforms. For a while they were so pathetic that it was just sad, but this year they have been not completely horrible and were on the verge of beating the Packers at home last week (till a very Jets thing happened). They have a great defensive line which includes a dude named Sheldon AND a dude named Muhammad and if that is not a pair of names destined for the lead characters of a modern buddy cop sitcom I don’t know what is. Their cornerbacks are a concern, I know this because during the 15 minutes I listen to The Fan while I’m in the shower everyday there is always at least one call about them and it has become part of my beauty ritual. I cannot apply the heavy amounts of foundation that are required to cover my hideous face and allow me to go out in public until I’ve heard a dude from Paramus talk about how terrible Dee Milliner is. Their offense is still pretty bad but their QB is named Geno and that is a better name than Mark or Matt. In short they are as always The Jets, but they seem slightly less Jetsy than normal this time around and in what seems to be a down year for the AFC East that might just work.
THE CHICAGO BEARS are still coached by the weird haired Marc Trestman (seriously, what is going on there? I think he should just go full plugs and a jheri curl) who has made this offense into something nice to look at, like a wonderful painting by say a Modigliani. This is great because the pre-Trestman Bears offense under Lovie Smith (who has not fared well since his return to coaching) looked more like this. The defense is pretty meh and especially so since they lost veteran cornerback/ball puncher (not as gross as it sounds) Peanut Tillman for the season. That offense can paper things over with the work of the kind of cute in this video Jay that smokin meme was so last year Cutler and twin tower wide receivers Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jefferey (though it seems like neither could play tonight so WHOOPS!). THIS ONE REALLY SEEMS LIKE A MATCHUP! TONIGHT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! LIVE FROM M’ER F’ING QUEENS! FOOTBALLZ! WITH IN STUDIO GUESTS FROM THE WE HATE MOVIES PODCAST! AND HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH COMEDIAN LILLIAN DEVANE! AND POSSIBLE INTERFERENCE FROM THE FCC! WHICH IS ALL WE EVER DREAMED OF! TO BE LEAD AWAY IN CUFFS! SHOUTING TO OUR FELLOW FANS! THEY CAN TAKE OUR IP ADDRESS BUT THEY CAN NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM! SORRY SCOTLAND! AND EVERYBODY! OUR SHOW IS TOTALLY NOT AS IMPORTANT AS STOPPING ACTUAL OPPRESSION AROUND THE WORLD! IF SOMEONE GAVE US A DEAL THAT IF WE STOPPED FOREVER WE COULD END ALL OPPRESSION WE’D TOTALLY DO IT! BUT WE’D HAVE TO BE VERY SPECIFIC BECAUSE I’VE SEEN TOO MANY TWILIGHT ZONE EPISODES AND BOTH VERSIONS OF BEDAZZLED AND GET IT WHEN PEOPLE CASUALLY DROP THE TERM “MONKEY’S PAW” IN CONVERSATION! WHATEVER! WE’LL BE WAITING FOR THAT OFFER! BUT UNTIL THEN! AND ESPECIALLY TONIGHT! WE BRING THE POSSIBLE SLIGHTLY OUT OF SYNC HEAT! AT 8:30 EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! WHO’S TSHIRT WE WILL GIVE AWAY ALONG WITH ONE OF MY OWN DURING THE BROADCAST! FOOTBALLZ! NOW GIVING YOU MORE THAN EVER!
Year in and year out people are all like “hey, sorry I missed your podcast” and I say “that’s cool” while in my head I’m all like “IT ISN’T A DAMN PODCAST, IT’S THE INTERNET’S FIRST/ONLY/BEST ALTERNATE AUDIO BROADCAST OF MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. IF IT WERE A PODCAST IT WOULD BE HIGHLIGHTS OF OUR BROADCAST WITH THE FULL INTERVIEW THAT WE RAN PART OF DURING HALFTIME OF THE SHOW!” I think this because I’m a jerk of course, but now you get the chance to tell me that you missed our podcast (which you now can listen to whenever you want) and totally be right on the money with FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Every week we’ll post our favorite moments from our live show that happens every Monday at 8:30pm here on FOOTBALLZ.ORG and THECLASSICAL.ORG along with the full and unexpurgated interview that we use for our halftime festivities. THIS WEEK, the highlights from week one’s match up between the Giants and the Lions and our interview with Classical King of Words David Roth!
Whew, so glad that we got all that nastyness of last week out of the way. The NFL is totally fine now, that investigation of how they handled the Ray Rice thing will totally totally solve the problems of the league. Roger Goodell is totally going to get canned and have to go back to his original job of being a dummy in one of those bodyworlds exhibits or whatever and everything will be totally cool with everyone. HAHA, NOPE! It is important the NFL deal with their domestic violence problem and maybe the only good thing about this is that this problem in the NFL might help shine a light on a problem that exists in America as a whole but if you think that there’ll be deep consequences for the parties at fault and that this will usher in a new era for the league, YOU ARE WRONG AS FUCK. Even if he does get canned, I’m sure Rog will never have a problem finding a job with some law firm or something. He’ll probably wait a few years and go on the traditional for dude who think they did nothing wrong but want to make money saying #sorrynotsorry, Redemption Tour. The NFL will just turn to another suit who’ll go ahead with the 18 game season that nobody wants and the expansion of the playoffs that nobody wants (outside of Steeler fans and they’re the worst) and continue to not give a crap about player safety and gouge its fans for every damn dollar they have in their pockets. COOOOOOLLLLL DDDDOOOGGGGGSSSS, let’s preview this week’s game and try to put that out of our mind! Because this game should be good!
THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS are good? It is tough to tell, they have an awesome quarterback in Andrew Luck (even if he looks and talks like a lummox) and that tends to skew things. I honestly cannot name more than two people on the Colts defense now that Robert Mathis is out for the season (Ricky Jean Francois and Bjorn Werner and I can only name them because I like weird names). They have ok receivers and not so great running backs and players that definitely play the positions on the offensive line but it is really puzzling how they have been to the playoffs the last couple of years. I guess it is just THE POWER OF LUCK, look deep into those weird weird eyes and see the heart of a champion or whatever. Maybe this is the year that they stink, I kind of hope so.
THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES are back! After a few years wallowing in the kind of Nixon-in-the-last-days end of the Andy Reid era they are riding high led by old-but-looks-like-a-little-boy-genius coach Chip Kelly (I’m glad that he has kept up Reid’s tradition doing weird things with his head when in close up). Kelly’s offensive scheme has been hailed as revelatory and has transformed QB Nick Foles from future Times Square Napoleon Dynamite into legit NFL starter (and even has former butt fumbler Mark Sanchez looking passible). Their offense also boasts the best running back who isn’t in trouble for beating his kid, LeSean “Shady” McCoy (who, in fact, is not that shady unless it comes to leaving a tip at what is apparently a terrible Philly burger place) and the best apologizer for saying racist things in WR Riley Cooper. All these elements make for a fun and exciting team to watch at least on offense, the defense is a little bit more of a question mark but who cares THEY HOLD UP SIGNS LIKE THIS TO SIGNAL PLAYS! AND THAT IS AWESOME! JUST LIKE TONIGHT! AT OUR REGULAR TIME OF 8:30 EASTERN! WE WILL HOLD UP SIGNS! THAT YOU CAN’T SEE! SORRY! THEY ARE POORLY RENDERED ANYWAY! BECAUSE I’M TERRIBLE AT DRAWING THINGS! AND PHOTOSHOP! AND REALLY MAKING ANYTHING WITH MY HANDS! WHY DO YOU THINK I LIKE TALKING SO MUCH! AND TONIGHT WE RETURN TO SPEAK SO SWEETLY INTO YOUR BEAUTIFUL EARS! I MEAN THEY ARE REALLY GORGEOUS! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF BEING AN EAR MODEL? I KIND OF KNOW A GUY! JUST HERE IN NYC TRYING TO NETWORK! BUT AGAIN! TONIGHT! WE HAVE GUESTS! MUSICIAN JIM MCHUGH OF NYMPH! AND DRUNKEN FOREIGNER BAND! AND A MILLION OTHER PROJECTS! WE TALK IN A LOUD POLISH RESTAURANT ABOUT SPORTS! AND BEING BARTENDERS! AND TIPPING! ONCE AGAIN SORRY ABOUT THE SOUND! I’M GETTING SOME MICS FOR THESE INTERVIEWS! I PROMISE! THAT TALKING WILL HAPPEN AT HALFTIME! THEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER WE’LL TALK TO CHIP CHINERY OF CHIP’S MONEY TIPS ABOUT HOW TO NOT PAY FOR THINGS! AND ALSO HOW TO PAY FOR THINGS! WE ARE TERRIBLE WITH MONEY! ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN! TONIGHT! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! 8:30! FOOTBALLZ!