Here’s a Tostito’s Presents #footballscoop for you: It is December in the NFL.
Basically what that means is that roughly half of the league’s [true] fans can start thinking to themselves “Who cares” as they watch the remains of another season wash down the terr-lit. Dudes can pretend to woo us back with mathematical charts and enticingly complex scenarios spread out on crappy TV graphics on who’s already clinched (…their butts lol), who’s leading the Wild Card races, and who is IN THE HUNT and yes we might be convinced of the juicy PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS of this week’s slate of games.
But the truth is your season is over (plus this) outside of the chance to play spoiler to some other teams you irrationally hate and of course your fantasy league teams, which get a life. December is a long month full of 31 days which you could use to be looking for better jobs, pitching more reputable publications, or even testing the waters of the real estate market in your local area. Never mind – because it’s December, no one other than Old Navy is hiring and owning houses is for suckers.
I tried to think of some special aspects of late-season football that can keep you watching despite all the rational reasons against it.
1. BEING BITTER
Let’s start with just straight up bitterness. You hate the NFL and have realized that it’s all rigged and even if it weren’t rigged it’s a complete farce of common sense and human decency. Oh great let’s spend twenty minutes studying the instant replay to see if the outside of this guy’s shoe was on this or that side of a blurry line of white pixels on my screen. Yes I’m completely sure it is a justified penalty that they charged you with there, no no, sure, keep arguing about it. Ha ha, idiots caring about a pointless and hollowed out sport that only exists to make billions of dollars for corporations.
That’s a pretty good way to watch the season, I can tell you from first-hand experience.
2. REALLY INTERESTING STATISTICS
But it’s also worth your consideration to bear in mind the statistical game. We can always find unexpected thrills in reading statistics and leader boards and comparing them to the greats of yesteryear. For example, Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon just became the first wide receiver in the history of the NFL to put up over 200 yards receiving in back to back games. This mark of greatness has helped nudge his team to a total of zero wins during that stretch, which is pretty cool.
Another statistical number that is always fun to keep an eye on is who will have the most passing yards each year. It’s always a thrill to get to the end of the season and see if anyone has broken the record yet again.
3. SEASONAL FAN ATTIRE
Numbers too complicated for you? Keep an eye on the cold-weather stadiums, where it’s interesting to watch the crowd struggle to maintain its monochromaticism while at the same time protect itself from frostbite. Ha ha you can’t all afford to purchase team-color winter coats from Starter! Get a job, Buffalo.
4. HOPING A LEFTOVER COMMERCIAL FROM EARLIER IN THE SEASON WILL COME ON AND MAKE YOU FEEL NOSTALGIC
5. YOU’RE A PSYCHOPATH WHO LIKES WATCHING GUYS CAUSE IRREPARABLE HARM TO EACH OTHER FOR EVEN LESS OF A REASON THAN YOU USED TO HAVE
6. FRESH TAKES ON SWEATERVEST/SPORTSCOAT COMBOS FROM COLLINSWORTH
7. MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE TRAVELING THROUGHOUT THE NATION EACH WEEKEND
8. ANYTHING TO HELP PUT SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND THE EVER-CHANGING LOCAL INDIE ROCK SCENE (IF THAT’S HOW YOU FEEL LATELY)
All I’m saying is don’t get discouraged – get out there and consume some football, my friends!