Hey! Another one of these! This time around we feature highlight’s of our week 5 broadcast of the Seahawks/Slurskins Monday Night Football match-up. If you ever wanted to hear me swear a lot THIS IS THE EPISODE FOR YOU! Plus my interview with the excellent and hilarious Mehran Khaghani! THIS ONE IS PACKED! Check it out!
Whew, we made it. The day of football that started at 9:30am and did not end until like midnight has come and gone and it was pretty overwhelming. What was your favorite part? Mine was for sure Terry Bradshaw getting real honest with me about his shingles before I finished my breakfast, man that was sweet. I’ll admit that after my team won (whee!) I kind of tuned everything out, football remained on the television in my home but other things took precedence like making dinner and reading about my team winning and paying attention to my girlfriend. I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep now so don’t worry, I’ll be able to give this game between a team that’s good that I don’t like and a team that’s bad that I don’t like my full attention, now let’s talk about these jerks!
THE DALLAS COWBOYS are good again and that sucks. Normally we have to hear about them all the time but that usually because of something bad, like somebody slapping their mom, or how they’re ripping off their fans, or who their QB is dating, or whatever the hell this turned out to be, and at least that stuff is kind of funny. Now that they’re good we just have to hear about how good they are and I hate that. They’re good mostly because of running back DeMarco Murray who it playing super well but is on pace to carry the ball until his body explodes on the field so we’ll see how long that lasts. I’m so glad we get to watch them tonight.
THE WASHINGTON DC FOOTBALL TEAM is one that we watched, like three weeks ago, right? Since then, the team has continued to suck but now they have a new QB who has been terrible always, I mean CUT BY THE BROWNS terrible. Other than that they still have a super racist name that their stupid owner will probably not change until the courts pretty much force him to. I’m so glad we get to watch them tonight. JUST KIDDING I HATE BOTH OF THESE TEAMS AND WISH WE WERE WATCHING ALMOST ANY OTHER SET OF TEAMS! EAST COAST MEDIA BIAS! THE SADDEST PART IS THAT WE’D BE WATCHING THESE TEAMS EVEN IF BOTH OF THEM WERE TERRIBLE! THAT IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD! AND THE WORLD IS INDEED A VAMPIRE! SET TO DRAI-EA-EA-EAN! BUT TONIGHT! WE WILL NOT DRAIN! WE WILL FILL! YOUR EARS! WITH WORDS AND SONG TO SOOTHE YOUR TROUBLES! AND GUESTS TOO! AT HALFTIME I INTERVIEW ARTIST/FILMMAKER ASHLEIGH CARRAWAY OF PLANCHETTE! AND IN THE FOURTH QUARTER A CALL FROM BRIAN THURBER OF DSKINDC.ORG! TO TALK ABOUT POSSIBLE NON-RACIST NAMES FOR THE DC FOOTBALL TEAM! AND ALSO HOW WE USED TO BE ROOMMATES! SORRY ABOUT THAT PAN I MIGHT HAVE RUINED! PLUS! RACIST JAR PROTOCOLS WILL BE IN EFFECT! AND ALL SORT OF OTHER NUTTY STUFF! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! COME GET IT! IF IT IS SOME DUDES TALKING!
This is it, this week is your chance to see us in all of out having faces and not just being voices on the internet glory because THIS WEEK’S SHOW IS LIVE! I mean, all of our shows are live, we don’t sit around in our studio with Samantha Morton in a weird pool of like skim milk or whatever at the beginning of the season and do all this in advance. If we did I’d hope we’d do a better job at making the show and also use Samantha Morton’s skim milk bath powers to do something that would enrich either us or the rest of the world or both for crying out loud (but I mean us first and only if bald ass Samantha Morton was okay with it, we are totally better people than Max Von Sydow). WHATEVER, tonight you can come see us at a place with beer that is pretty good (the place is good, beers are more subjective) and it will be awesome. I know at this point all you can think about is putting our amazing faces together with the voices that soothe you so deeply every week but there will actually be a game for us to talk about so let’s preview these dumb teams!
THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are on the downside of a run that has seen them win two Super Bowls in the last nine years and thank all that is holy that they are. The Steelers are one of those “marquee franchises” that we are stuck hearing about all the time even though they’ve finished 8-8 the last two years and the most notable thing done on the field last year was by their coach. We also get to hear about their owners, the legendary Rooney Family, all the time as well and this is stupid because while they did do some good things they are still part of the super rich cabal of NFL owners and they still employ this jerk. Also they employ this jerk and also used to employ this jerk so it makes a man wonder, is Pittsburgh the site of the legendary jerk store? This year the Steelers are right in line for another 8-8 finish, currently they’re 3-3 but one of their losses came at the hands of Tampa Bay and Tampa Bay is so terrible that judging by their new uniforms they were sent back from the future to stink at football to prevent some sort of apocalyptic event. AND THE STEELERS COULDN’T EVEN HELP THEM WITH THAT, see The Steelers are the worst.
THE HOUSTON TEXANS are also 3-3 but for them that is fine because last year was a nightmare and they’ll take anything that isn’t former QB Matt Schaub throwing interception after interception. Unfortunately that means that they are taking the quarterback stylings of yes-we-all-know-you-went-to-Harvard Ryan Fitzpatrick who is just good enough to get you and keep you at .500. Luckily for them they have JJ Watt who, while he isn’t looking like Frankenstein’s Monster in human face paint or making terrible ads that we have to watch all season, is maybe the best player in football. Watt is very very very very very very very good and even I, a coldhearted monster who wishes nothing good on anything that resides in or comes from Texas (outside of Friday Night Lights), can appreciate his talents. They also still have Arian Foster and he is good despite how much people make of him being a vegan and his terrible tattoo. SO THEY HAVE SOME THINGS GOING FOR THEM. WHAT DO WE HAVE GOING FOR US THOUGH? WEEELLLLLLLLLL TONIGHT! ON THE INTERNET AT 8:30! BUT GET TO THE BAR BY 8! FOOTBALLZ! LIVE! WITH A CAVALCADE OF GUESTS! INCLUDING RED SOX DJ TJ CONNELLY! COMEDIANS SHAUN BEDGOOD! AND KOFI THOMAS! AND KEN REID! THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE! BUT THERE WILL BE MORE! PROBABLY A RAFFLE OF SOME SORT! AND A SPECIAL LIVE PERFORMANCE OF THE 4TH QUARTER POLL THEME! AND EVEN MORE! IT’S GONNA KIND OF BE LIKE THIS! EXCEPT WITH FEWER SUPER FAMOUS PEOPLE! AND LESS DOOR KNOCKING! WELL, NO DOOR KNOCKING ACTUALLY! BUT MAYBE! YOU’LL HAVE TO COME TO THIS TO FIND OUT! OR LISTEN IN LIKE USUAL! SURE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SEE IF WE HAVE A DOOR OR PARTICIPATE IN THE RAFFLE OR WHATEVER! BUT IT WILL STILL BE FUN! FOOTBALLZ COMES ALIVE! TONIGHT!