WE ARE IN THE HOME STRETCH DAWGZ. We’ve held the magic eye poster that is the NFL season right up to our nose and then tried to look through it and slowly moved it back away from our face just like the instructions told us and now the secret images are becoming clear. Instead of a dolphin or a planet or whatever else is hidden in that demon art (I have never successfully seen a magic eye hidden image, I am not ashamed of this), the secret picture in this case is THE PLAYOFFS and who is in or out. This week we have two teams who are just on the edges of the poster, like right where the name of the company that makes the poster is printed. A loss tonight could send either one of these squads tumbling towards the poster for teams that aren’t making the playoffs, I can only imagine that poster to be this one, SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE DUDES:
THE BALTIMORE RAVENS are right in the middle of a very tight AFC North race with all four teams essentially tied in the standings. The Ravens’ football playing season has been, um, overshadowed by some other stuff so I haven’t really been paying attention. Also, I rarely pay attention to the Ravens because their uniforms are pretty dumb looking. Purple and black? What a snooze. Anyway, I guess they’re kind of good this year? So far their six wins have come against pretty crappy teams so who knows. They still have Joe Flacco, the greatest Blue Hen there ever was (NOW THAT’S A DAMN UNIFORM) and Steve Smith Sr. (formerly of the Panthers and also formerly just Steve Smith) who is still kind of crazy and awesome and said this before the season and delivered on it, so maybe they are not as boring as their off brand goth uniforms suggest.
THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are also in the thick of the playoff hunt, despite their their 4-6 record. BWUBUBWUBWWHAT? You say? How can a sub .500 team still be eyeing the playoffs? Well they play in the NFC South and the NFC South is TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TURRIBLE. The Saints are currently in first place but if they lose tonight they’d fall behind Atlanta for the top spot in the South and Atlanta is freaking awful. I’m totally into it since the last time a there was a sub .500 division winner, I had a pretty great time and I like it when weird things happen that make Peter King angry. SO GO FOR IT SAINTS! LOSE YOUR WAY INTO THE PLAYOFFS! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR WAY? WELL LISTEN TONIGHT! TO US! AND OUR GOSPEL OF BLAH BLAH! BECAUSE FOOTBALLZ IS BACK! FEATURING AN INTERVIEW AT HALFTIME WITH RUSTUN NICHOLS, BAR MANAGER OF THE WYTHE HOTEL! WE TALK ABOUT IF IT IS POSSIBLE TO DRINK HARD LIQOUR DURING A FOOTBALL GME WITHOUT KILLING YOURSELF! PLUS A CALL FROM SPORPS PERSON AND DUDE FROM NEW ORLEANS CHRIS TREW! ALL OF THAT! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! LISTEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNN (WITHOUT PREJUDICE)!
This game guys, UGH THIS GAME. We’ve had some real stinkers this season, I mean we’ve watched both terrible New York teams lose (the ugly-pantsed Giants on more than one occasion) and after last’s weeks carnival of bummer I kind of wanted to quit watching football forever. This week though, THIS WEEK, we get to watch one good team I actively dislike and one team that is so unbelievably boring that I cannot believe they actually exist. This will be one for the record books (if there are record books for the amount of times I groan audibly), BUT LET’S PREVIEW THESE JERKS ANYWAY!
THE TENNESSEE TITANS committed a crime for which I will never forgive them. Once, when everything was good and nothing hurt, they were the Houston Oilers and they had amazing uniforms, dudes who did amazing dances (it is a damn crime that there is no internet video of Ernest Givins’ electric glide dance on the internet, WHAT ARE WE NOT PAYING YOU FOR FREE CONTENT PROVIDERS?), and once employed this dude. Now they wear terrible uniforms that look like they are for a movie about football where they couldn’t get the rights to use actual teams and are the boringest, though they do still have some great names on the team, I mean look at this. They are super mediocre at best and a crime against sport at worst, I would actively dislike them but they are so boring that sometimes I forget the exist. They are the bowling alley pizza of the NFL, it’s pizza but seriously, YOU SHOULD NOT EAT IT.
THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS are playing on television again, greeeeeeaaaaattttttttttttttttt. Man, how many times do we have to watch these dudes? I’m super sick of talking about them so I guess you can go back to week six and read what I had to say last time but instead of all that stuff about how maybe they were bad replace it with how they are less bad now. The Steelers sit 6-4 in the middle of the AFC North playoff “race”, I put race in quotes cause right now it is a race in the way this is a race, somebody will win but it’ll only be because somebody else ran into a pole and everyone will be aghast at the result. So yeah, they’re kind of good now, they score a lot of points and have good players and blah blah blah, they did lose to the Jets last week so I guess anything is possible. I’m sure this game between a team who a regular person cannot name one player for and a team that is maybe kind of good will make for gripping television. BUT THAT’S WHY WE ARE HERE! TO MAKE THE UNGRIPPING GRIPPING! AND WE WILL GRIP ALL OVER YOU! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! FEEL OUR WORD GRIP ON YOUR EARS AS WE THRASH YOU ABOUT WITH HILARITY! AND NOT JUST US! NOOOOOOOOOO! WE’VE GOT A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH JOURNALIST EUGENIA WILLIAMSON! WE TALK ABOUT THE STRUGGLES WITH TECHNOLOGY WHILE I STRUGGLE WITH THE TECHNOLOGY OF MY SLOWLY FAILING COMPUTER! THEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER A CALL FROM YARON WEITZMAN OF TD DAILY! WHICH IS NOT THE WEB COLLABORATION BETWEEN ME AND MY ONE TRUE LOVE EG DAILY! WE’RE TOTALLY STILL LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT URL FOR THAT! SO IF THERE ARE ANY MARKETING DUDES LISTENING TONIGHT SEND ALONG SUGGESTIONS! OR JUST LISTEN! BE FOOTBALLZ IS BAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!
WEEK TEN IS UPON US! The end of the season draws near and teams are starting to look like contenders or pretenders or at least that is what they’re saying on television, I really hope that no one is actually pretending to play football (although if you’ve watched The Raiders this year you might start to wonder (BURN!)). I WOULD LOVE IT if someone was pretending to do something else while playing football, like in their head every football play is a step in a cake recipe that will be done at the end of the game or that they’re pretending to attend the Malta Conference as Winston Churchill while playing free safety, THIS WOULD BE AMAZING. PLEASE NFL PLAYERS, START PRETENDING! And now let me pretend to know anything about these teams.
THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are not playing very well right now, last year’s 12-5 season and run to the playoffs seems like a dream as wonderful as this gif of their head coach’s gambling ways. Right now though this team is depleted on offense (by their own hand) and their defense is not the frightening sack festival that it was last year (this might be due to one of the players from that defense being kind of a crazy person who should not be allowed to play sports anymore because he should be in jail). They do still have Cam Newton and he is pretty good and they also have rookie wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin and he is awesome so maybe those guys can do something cool while we watch?
THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES have given us all a gift, due to starting quarterback Nick Foles’s broken collar bone, they will be starting the one and only Mark Sanchez. Now I’ll leave this here in case you forgot, but previous Sanchez appearances in football games have been at the least amusing but at best indelibly hilarious. His appearance also gives us all a chance to see how good of a coach Chip Kelly is. People have been bullish on Chip’s offensive philosophy and have said that nearly any quarterback could run it, we now have that “any quarterback” in the man formally known as the Sanchize so if you are into things being proven (which I still think is kind of impossible in football because of the tiny sample size offered in one season and the turnover on rosters from year to year) THIS IS THE GAME FOR YOU! AND WE ARE THE TEAM FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO! TONIGHT! WE WILL PROVE THAT WE KNOW ALMOST NOTHING! BUT IT IS THE BEST KIND OF NOTHING! THE KIND THAT PRODUCES DUMB BS! BUT THE GOOD KIND OF BS! THE HAHA BS! AND THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT RIGHT? TO LIVE! TO LOVE! TO LAUGH! TO NIGHT! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ RETURNS!