FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE NFC NORTH

Posted by on April 3, 2013 Comments Off

Fans hope their teams helmets are less scared of the Lombardi Trophy this year.

YOBROS, sorry for the delay in this update, I MOVED TO NEW YORK. I know, I know, so exciting I’VE SEEN SO MANY RATS ALREADY! Also, surprisingly New York sports radio is worse, luckily I’ll never need a car again because I have all of this at my disposal. YESTERDAY I RODE THE SUBWAY FOR OVER AN HOUR TOTAL TO DO LIKE ONE THING! GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD! NOW LET ME PREVIEWZ MORE FOOTBALLZ FROM MY NEW SCENIC LOCAL AT A J STOP THAT EVEN MY NEW FELLOW NEW YORKERS GO HUH? AT!

GREEN BAY PACKERS

FINAL RECORD- 11-5 NFC North Champions, Lost in the Divisional Round to the San Francisco 49ers

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR SEASON IN REVIEW:

FINE, WE WILL SHOW THIS AGAIN

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

To get over the above

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PACKERS FAN:

This mason jar filled that is apparently filled with butter

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, second in the NFC North, lost in the Wild Card Round to the Green Bay Packers

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

IF THIS IS PLAY THAT HAPPENS IN A PLAYOFF GAME THEN YOUR SEASON IS OVER

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

TO KEEP THEIR BEST PLAYER A LITTLE HAPPIER

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE VIKINGS FAN:

The name, no one should wear anything in their swimsuit area that is called “burnout”

CHICAGO BEARS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, third in the NFC North

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR SEASON REVIEW:

IF JASON CAMPBELL IS INVOLVED, YOUR SEASON WAS BAD

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A  currency conversion calculator for their new coach, also maybe somebody to do something about his weird face/hair.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BEARS FAN:

This KKK bear.

DETROIT LIONS

FINAL RECORD- 4-12, last in the NFC North

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

THIS GUYS SOMEHOW STILL HAS A JOB

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Like a whole new team outside of Matt Stafford and Calvin Johnson

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE LIONS FAN:

This is just horrifying also it looks like you took it off of a lion.

NEXT WEEK, THE AFC NORTH! MY SECOND LEAST FAVORITE DIVISION!

FOOTBALLZ SEASON PREVIEWZ- THE AFC SOUTH

Posted by on March 21, 2013 Comments Off

The AFC South teams all feature blue in their uniforms which is weird considering their respective state’s voting practices

 

WHATTUP SONS (also mothers, fathers, and chinese dentists), oh man the offseason is heating UP! Did you see? DID YOU SEE? ESPN has published their first post-free-agency-pre-draft POWER RANKINGS! AND MY BELOVED SEAHAWKS ARE #1! YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I’m so proud! Finally, after years of wishing and hoping and living and dying with this team we have finally reached the pinacle! Number one in a completely trivial arbitrary ranking done by people who are kind of informed but have nothing to do with results on the field! This is even more amazing than when we were the best team in football that did not win the Super Bowl! This all so satisfying! Look I’m a person that probably reads too much about football and now, at the most word heavy/actual game playing deficient portion of the season, I’m starting to go a little crazy pants. The whole non-football playing football industrial complex makes me a little bonkers when it comes to who or what is THE BEST because in the end, to a dummy fan who likes the game because of the way it can bring joy to people who have lives that maybe are not the best in the world in one way or another, the only team that is the best is the one that wins, the rest is cold comfort. SO PLEASE, EVERYBODY, STOP CONGRATULATING ME.

NOW LET US OFFSEASON PREVIEW THE TEAMS OF THE AFC SOUTH

HOUSTON TEXANS

FINAL RECORD- 12-4, AFC South Champions, lost in the Divisional Round to the New England Patriots

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

yup, another year ending like this, playoff win or no playoff win

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A return to the classic, a new catch phrase before they get sued

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEASE FAVORITE TEXANS FAN:

This inexplicably on the Texans website pair of Patriots panties

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

FINAL RECORD- 11-5, lost in the Wild Card Round to the Baltimore Ravens

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

lady pattern balding seemed to be a problem in Indy this year

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A facial hair rangler for their young quarterback

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE COLTS FAN:

Is there some sort of relation between Colts fans and turkeys that nobody except fans of the Colts know about?

TENNESSEE TITANS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, third in the AFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

Yeah, this is kind of how it went all year

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

A new old dude for when their young quarterback gets hurt again (see video above)

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE TITANS FAN:

For the Titans/Dragonball Z fan in your life

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

FINAL RECORD- 2-14, last in the AFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Some of whatever their owner has going on to migrate onto the field

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE JAGUARS FAN:

The entire Home section of the Jags pro shop is pretty terrible (why so many lawn ornaments?) but these gnomes in what can only be described as Smurfface are the weirdest/best/worst/I cannot decide.

 

NEXT WEEK THE NFC NORTH AND THE HALFWAY POINT OF THIS DUMB IDEA! 

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE NFC SOUTH

Posted by on March 14, 2013 Comments Off

This is a dumb map,
PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SHOULD COME UP WITH WEIRDER NFC SOUTH IMAGARY

 

Yo homies, sorry for the lazyness but I wanted to wait to get this next installment of our OFFSEASON PREVIEWS till after the start of everybody’s favorite offseason subsection (next to the draft, the combine, training camp, mini-camps, and the unavailing of new alternative uniform color schemes) FREE AGENCY. Man, how awesome is it to hear the most about salary caps and roster bonuses and team needs and winners and losers when no one is even playing a down! I love hearing the verbal sparring between the always cognizant empty eyes and messy hair of a Jeff Saturday (never forget, he also co-starred in the greatest photo ever) with the just trying out a new hair color maybe now he is a goth Eric Mangini about trade rumors that have almost no basis in fact! Isn’t it the best when a cable network like ESPN, originally known for showing highlights but now seems to be just a station that is focussed on weird looking dudes in crappy suits talking, can have a “sports event” that is only weird looking dudes in crappy suits talking for hours on end? They don’t even have to talk to actual players! Just an unending stream of speculation about how people who have spent their lives training to pretty much put their lives at risk  for our entertainment will “fit in” with their new teams! With a small side of indignation and sanctimony about how some of them are overpaid and selfish for seeking the highest salary they can in a free-ish market of a billion dollar industry! When they themselves would chase a dollar to the end of the earth! HOLY SMOKES! THIS IS JUST THE BEST OF EVERYTHING LET’S GET BACK TO THE PREVIEWINGZ!

ATLANTA FALCONS

FINAL RECORD- 13-3, NFC South Champions, lost to the 49ers in the NFC Championship game

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

Falcons fan enjoyed their season, the rest of us felt the way you do watching this

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

Not totally sure but they def have the coveted Old Vegan Non-Retired Tight End position covered

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE FALCONS FAN:

Crocs, the worst gift is always Crocs

CAROLINA PANTHERS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9, 2nd in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

They saw a lot of Sad Cam expressing his sadness last year 

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

 Some sort of Running Back discount/rebate.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PANTHERS FAN:

Let your child relive the immortal John Kasay era

 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9 3rd in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

This is as close as Sean Payton got to coaching last year and it showed.

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

 Just a slightly less confusing wikipedia page for their coaches

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE SAINTS FAN:

What lady doesn’t want an ugly useless shoe?

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9 4th in the NFC South

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

The Bucs made news for playing to the last snap which was boring

but they also pissed off Tom Coughlin so that is awesome

OFFSEASON NEEDS:

To realize that they should just go back to these uniforms forever

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BUCCANEERS FAN:

Ladies, I do not understad your hair. Would you put this in it? Send any and all answers to footballztalk AT gmail DOT com

NEXT WEEK THAT NO GOOD AFC SOUTH!

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE AFC EAST

Posted by on March 4, 2013 Comments Off

This is the grossest logo array I could find

DAAAAAAMMMMNNNNNN SONS, the offseason just rolls along and there is so much not football life to experience. Did you know that Sundays can be much more relaxing when you aren’t simultaneously eating fatty foods and clenching your entire body with every play of a sporting event? IT IS SO WEEEEEIIIIIRRRRRDDDDD. This week we will relax with an offseason preview of the snoozy AFC East (sorry Mac) AKA the boringly good Patriots and three piles of garbage. LET’S GET TO THE PREVIEWINGZ

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

FINAL RECORD- 12-4, AFC East Champs, lost in the AFC title game to the Baltimore Ravens

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW: This robot thinks Bill Belichick is a sore loser

OFFSEASON NEEDS- A Gronk-minder

BEST GIFT TO GIVE YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PATS FAN- This one is tough, this and this (who isn’t concerned about supporting their favorite team while stuck on the side of the road) are both worthy candidates, but this Patriots Shoe Bottle Wine Holder is insane and should only be given to your worst friend/best enemy.

MIAMI DOLPHINS

FINAL RECORD- 7-9, 2nd in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW: Though this happened officially “before” last season it was still as big of a bummer as the entire year for the Dolphins

OFFSEASON NEEDS- a better job making #1 picks

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE DOLPHINS FAN- Three presents for your terrible girlfriend (at least they’re all on sale).

NEW YORK JETS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, 3rd in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW

could it have been anything else?

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Not more crappy quarterbacks (whoops!)

BEST GIFT TO GET YOUR LEAST FAVORITE JETS FAN- this one is a no doy

BUFFALO BILLS

FINAL RECORD- 6-10, 4th in the AFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW-

SO SO SAD

OFFSEASON NEEDS- No more expensive defensive ends

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE BILLS FAN- This Terrell Owens story is sad, this Terrell Owens bobblehead is somehow sadder.

NEXT WEEK, THE LESS MEH NFC SOUTH!

 

 

FOOTBALLZ OFFSEASON PREVIEWZ- THE NFC EAST

Posted by on February 25, 2013 Comments Off

WHAT WOULD A DOG’S OFFSEASON BE? ALSO, SOMEBODY FIND ME THIS VOLLEYBALL DOG FOR MY REMAKE OF “AIR BUD: SPIKES BACK“

HELLO SUFFERERS OF (O)S.A.D. (Offseason Affective Disorder),

WE ARE BACK TO SALVE YOUR MENTAL WOUNDS WITH HEALING POWER OF OUR WORD SPIT WITH PREVIEWS OF ALLLLLLLLLLL THE OFFSEASON NEEDS OF ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OF THE TEAMS THAT PLAY PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL IN THE NFL (sorry B.C. Lions fans, I’m sure you are in need of a Rouge Specialist but we will not be detailing that here). While the rest of the football intelligentsia, or at least anyone who can format a mock draft on their blog, are writing about who has the best cone drill (ya moms, as in YOUR MOTHER HAS A NICE CONE DRILL IF YOU GET MY MEANING) and shuttle runs (they unfortunately do not use blackboard erasers as we did during the Presidential Fitness Test in my youth (OH MY GOD, they are getting rid of the PFT (not this one thankfully), rejoice nerds who could not do even a single pull-up! One less thing to be embarrassed by in public)) at the combine we will be bringing you the straight dope on what your favorite team really needs this offseason. We’ll also look back at every team’s season with winsome reflection and provide some offseason cost effective gift giving for the fan in need. We start (as all football media does) with the NFC EAST!

Watch out NFL shield! These apparently diseased NFC East sperms are coming to impregnate you! Inside of a gross rainbow? Or the skittles factory killing floor (you know where they bolt the skittle monsters heads so they can butcher up the skittles for sale)?

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

FINAL RECORD- 10-6, NFC East Champion, lost in the Wild Card Round to Seattle Seahawks (aka the best dudes).

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON REVIEW:

BUMMER

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Some new knee ligaments, some compassion for their player’s health, a better excuse for their racist team name.

BEST GIFT TO SEND TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE REDSKINS FAN- This “Redskins” bed skirt, which is only Redskins merch in that it is red and also is a bedskirt which is one of the worst gifts you can give anyone.

New York Giants

FINAL RECORD- 9-7, Second in the NFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

a new entry to into the cannon of Manning Faces

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Some way in which to warm their home stadium so we can have a decent halftime show for the Super Bowl next year and I guess a pass rusher.

BEST GIFT TO SEND TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE GIANTS FAN- the Giants team shop has an array of things that are just red or blue that you can purchase such as these knives and forks. It also has things as dumb as  drink stirrers or feathered hair clips, but my favorite piece of garbage on their website is this hat organizer that has nothing to do with the Giants at all.

DALLAS COWBOYS

FINAL RECORD- 8-8, Third in the NFC East.

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

What the cowboys seem to be saying to their fans every year

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Definitely not a new bus.

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE COWBOYS FAN- Though this is the first in the series of articles, I doubt that I will find anything more horrifying than this.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

FINAL RECORD- 4-12, Last in the NFC East

IMAGE/VIDEO STAND-IN FOR A SEASON IN REVIEW:

we all threw up in our mouths watching your team a little Andy

OFFSEASON NEEDS- Just about everything

BEST GIFT TO GIVE TO YOUR LEAST FAVORITE EAGLES FAN- Unfortunately I think that these nightmare shorts would be all too welcome in the closets of most Eagles fans.

NEXT WEEK THE AFC EAST!

FOOTBALLZ SUPERB OWL PREVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by on February 1, 2013 Comments Off

YO DORKS,

We’re back! The tears shed into beers and other tears from our respective team’s losses have been drank or dried and we are ready to get back on our horse (it is for sure this horse) at least in typing on the internet form to add even more letters to the letter sacrifice (this dude presides and may or may not be the editor of Bleacher Report (internet sports journalism joke just for this guy)) that is the coverage of Super Bowl Sunday (or as we like to call it Superb Owl Sunday). Yes, that’s right, we are here to break down in our usual more like an actual personal break down Sunday’s showdown between the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco Forty Niners. LET’S BREAK OUT SOME ARBITRARY COMPARISONS!

MOST INFURIATING PARTICIPANT:

Ravens- Deer Antler Enthusiast, Nightclub Regular, and Overall Jerk Ray Lewis

Forty Niners- Human Temper Tantrum Jim Harbaugh

REPRESENTATIVE TEAM MEMBERS VIEWS ON THE CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE OF OUR AGE:

Ravens- Pro

Forty Niners- Surprisingly Con

THE QUARTERBACKS

Ravens- Former Unibrow

Forty Niners- Former Assistant to Dr. Moreau

THERE YOU GO, that is pretty much all the information that you might need to struggle through an evening with friends who might like sports (and that one dude who somehow got an invite who obviously has money on the game who gets angry when everybody just wants to watch commercials and the guaranteed not to be lip synching Beyonce half-time show). SO GO AHEAD ENJOY THE GAME AND TRY NOT TO GET A STOMACH ACHE YOU GLUTTONS.

4th Quarter poll for Week 15! Jets vs. Titans

Posted by on December 18, 2012 Comments Off

JETS/TITANS CHAT

Posted by on December 18, 2012 Comments Off

FOOTBALLZ WEEK FOURTEEN! THE FINAL FOOTBALLZING OF 2012!

Posted by on December 17, 2012 Comments Off

Sorry Jets fans, this is your season

vs.

When I think about the Titans, this is what appears above and in my head

GOODBYE GUYS!

THE TEARS! OH THE TEARS! We know, you are weeping openly at the thought of another FOOTBALLZ season coming to an end, we will allow you to print out this email and use it to sop up the torrent of tears streaming from your sad sad eyes (you totally look like this (also you painted that too)). Do not cry too much, you must celebrate! Celebrate another year of us talking! Another year of interpersonal conflict about a sport that might be killing its participants! Another year of ha ha and gufaw with your pals on and off the air (your pals)! Celebrate with this final game that will be TOTALLY GARBAGE!

THIS FINAL WEEK we get to see a couple of crappy teams playing out the string (don’t lose hope Jets fans), the New York Jets travel to Tennessee to face the home town Titans and it may very well stink like super garbage. The Jets (minus their most insufferable fan) have had, um, some troubles this year, they are a few too many to name but are best represented by this video. They are probably playing this game (and the rest of the ones this season) for the jobs of GM Mike Tannenbaum and Coach Rex Ryan as well as embattled QB Mark Sanchez (they’ll all be going on a date here after the season anyway). They are, in a word, bleak. They play the equally lame but less interesting Titans, in fact, the Titans might be the boringest team. I don’t know what it is, in my mind they are just a blank, maybe it is their blah uniforms, or their fake looking helmets (what is that, a railroad spike in a comet? a thumbtack shot out of a cannon?), or their recent roll of mediocrity? Whatever, they are playing this game and we will figure out something to say about them. TONIGHT! WE WILL TALK FOR THREE HOURS ONE MORE TIME! WITH THE RETURN OF GUEST PRODUCER CHRIS BRAIOTTA! POSSIBLY OTHER GUESTS! AND NO INTERVIEW! SORRY! TD GOT STUCK OPENING A NEW RESTAURANT! NOT THAT HE OWNS! IF HE OWNED ONE HIS INTERVIEW ONE OF THESE DICKS OR SOMETHING! AND FOOTBALLZ WOULD BE ALL ABOUT DRIZZLING SOME BULLSHIT ON SOME OTHER THING THAT GOT PULLED OUT OF AN ANIMAL THIS MORNING WITH FRESH FENNEL IN ITS DICK! INSTEAD HE JUST TOOK LOTS OF STUFF OUT OF BOXES! AND HE COULD NOT INTERVIEW THE BOXES! THOSE INTERVIEWS WOULD HAVE BEEN SUPER BORING! OR SUPER WEIRD! BUT NOT IN AWAY THAT WAS THE “COOL” TIM AND ERIC WEIRD! MORE LIKE MAYBE TD SHOULDN’T BE ALLOWED OUTSIDE WEIRD! AND NOBODY WANTS THAT! SO! INSTEAD! FOOTBALLZ WILL BE ABOUT FOOTBALL! IN AS MUCH AS IT IS ABOUT FOOTBALL EVERY TIME! TAKE ONE LAST RIDE WITH US ON THAT DRAGON! STRAIGHT DOWN TO HELL! FOOTBALLZ.ORG! 8:30PM!

Thanks,

The FOOTBALLZ TEAM

4th Quarter Poll for Week 14. Texans vs. Patriots.

Posted by on December 11, 2012 Comments Off