The end of FOOTBALLZ in studio season is here! Tonight will be our last broadcast of the year from our palatial studio compound because next week we have our season finale/holiday party at the fantastic Parlor Sports (you guys are all totally invited). We’ll be saying goodbye to our of our studio pals for the year, expect tears when I say my final goodnight to the Alf statue that I took a picture of that one time. ANYWAY, we won’t be all sappy and sentimental since we have a game between two terrible teams to watch and talk about, SO LET’S START THE TALKING PART NOW.
THE CHICAGO BEARS are reassessing things right now, after last season’s encouraging first year under dude who’s hair still mystifies me Marc Trestman, things have, um, regressed? I don’t know what you call a season that has seen the team pretty much go straight in the crapper and had coaches ratting out and then tearfully apologizing for it to players (anytime a player, anonymous or not, describes a scene in the locker room as “one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.” you know you’re dealing with some messed up stuff, these dudes have seen super nasty injuries that I will not link to because I’m not a gross monster who wants you guys to throw up while reading this any more than you already do). It kind of seems like one of those seasons that lead to everybody getting fired afterwards, sorry Trestman, you and your weird hair will always have a spot at Percival Molson Stadium but I don’t think they’ll be honoring you at Soldier Field any time soon (or really ever).
THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are the second team from the garbage fire that doesn’t even keep you warm NFC South that we get to watch in a row! hgfsoihsfdiooeconcoewfuewufhu, ugh, the sad part is (one of them at least, there are many sad parts to everything always) the Saints were super fun when they were good. Drew Brees seems like a cool dude and even though that weird chant/huddle thing they do before the games is monumentally stupid, they are very rootable for. People also forget that they were victims of Roger Goodell ineptitude before it was cool and that really screwed them when they were still in Super Bowl form, now it seems like the only form that they take is that of a team that might back into the playoffs with a losing record because their division is so crappy that somebody has to win it. The last time an under .500 team made the playoffs though the Saints had a front row seat (seriously, I will use any excuse to link to that video) so maybe they can draw inspiration from that. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO INSPIRATION? US! BECAUSE TONIGHT! WE RIDE INTO THE INTERNET BREACH ONCE MORE! TO DELIVER OUR SPORTS WISDOM ON YOU! THE GENERAL PUBLIC! OR THE LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO US EVERY WEEK! AND DELIVER WE SHALL FOR ONE LAST TIME THIS SEASON FROM OUR STUDIO! WE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS MATCH UP OF GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE TO THE SAFE SHORES OF HILARITY ON THE BOATS OF OUR MINDS AND MOUTHS! YES! YOU WILL RIDE OUR MOUTH BOATS TONIGHT! OH MAN IS THAT GROSS SOUNDING! PLUS ALSO A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN BRIGADE’S MOLLY LLOYD! WE TALK ABOUT IMPROV! YOU’LL LISTEN AND THINK YES AND I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THESE GUYS TALKING! THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IMPROV JOKE! DON’T WORRY! TONIGHT’S SHOW WILL BE BETTER THAN THAT JOKE! I PROMISE! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ! THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF THE YEAR! GET IT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Gotta make this one quick my dawgz, my computer is totally broken and in the shop where a bunch of dudes make you feel bad (I’m I the only one who feels like a jerk whenever I have to go get something fixed? Like somehow I’m the real problem not the device or instrument that is malfunctioning? Like I broke it therefore I’m broken? Ugh, I really need to stop reading that book of Smog lyrics every morning) so I’m on my cohabitant’s computer and don’t want to be a laptop hog (just sit back and let that evocative phrase form a picture in your mind, mmmmmmmmmm, delicious). ANYWAY, the FOOTBALLZ season is nearly at an end so relish these words for soon they will be gone and you will be left bereft of the only joy that you have in the world (I’m pretty sure that I’m talking about you and not me but then again, this) SO LET’S PREVIEW THESE DARN TEAMS.
THE GREEN BAY PACKERS are good, veeeeeery good, like lots of people think they are going to the Super Bowl good and with good reason, they have all world QB and dater of the best part of the Newsroom (if any of you thought that I was talking about Jeff Daniels you should go throw your computer in a river right now because you don’t deserve it. Now, if you thought it was Sam Waterston then you can stay. Also, doesn’t Aaron Rodgers look mildly terrified in that photo?) under center and he has been awesome since he went on the radio and told people to
. In fact the whole team has been pretty awesome since that moment including our favorite former rapping french baby Jordy Nelson (WE WILL NEVER STOP MAKING THAT REFERENCE) and future dude who stars in the commercials that Troy Polamalu stars in currently, Clay Matthews (the only thing that can prevent him from doing so is his tragic dumbface affliction, seriously that dude looks like he fell face first through a shovel factory). WHATEVER, the Packers are good and this game is in Wisconsin so it will be cold and we’ll have to hear about that all night and they’ll probably win.
THE ATLANTA FALCONS are in the thick of the saddest playoff race in history. They currently sit in first place in the NFC South but they do so with a record of 5-7 (I wish there was a caps lock for numbers because a first place team having two TWO (that’s how you do it) more losses than wins deserves some e-shouting) WHICH IS TERRIBLE. I hope all the teams in their division all lose as much as possible so that we have a team with a terrible record in the playoffs and all the people who get huffy and puffy about these things head’s do this. The Falcons are not all the way terrible, they still have Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan (who still has the worst nickname in professional sports) at QB and Julio “I’m good so I don’t have a nickname” Jones at Wide Receiver, so their offense can at least be entertaining. On defense they do have one of my favorite names in all of man’s recorded history, this dude, but not much else SO THAT IS KIND OF DEPRESSING FOR THEM! MAYBE THEY SHOULD LISTEN TO MORE SMOG? BUT MAYBE ALSO ENOUGH WITH WHITE DUDES TELLING US ALL HOW HARD LIFE IS FOR THEM? EVEN IF THEY DO IT ARTFULLY? YOU KNOW WHO WONT HAVE A HARD TIME? US! TONIGHT! WHEN FOOTBALLZ RETURNS AT FULL STRENGTH! BECAUSE I’LL BE BACK ON THE MIC AND IN STUDIO! READY TO DRIZZLE MY SWEET SWEET WORD JUICE IN YOUR EARS! AT 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! GEEEEEETTTTTTTT READDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY! TO LISTEN! FOOTBALLZ! SAVOR IT WHILE YOU CAN!
This thing has returned! This time we have highlights from our week 7 show in front a live audience at the fantastic Parlor Sports. This episode also features guest talkings by the excellent TJ Connolly and the also excellent Kofi Thomas who are both excellent talkers and excellent enough to join us in front of people. We also talk a little bit about the game that we were ostensibly watching between the Steelers and the Texans, but really we only talk about it a little bit BECAUSE WE WERE ALL HAVING SO MUCH FUN! Listen in and relive the cherished moments of making fun of a dude on Tinder or when no one wanted to enter our raffle!
Yo dagwz BAD NEWZ, I’m going to be out of town for this one. I’m going to be in Miami doing some on the scene reporting from the finest sports bars down there taking the temperature of Dolphins fans as they watch their team. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be wearing sunglasses and making quips. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be down there wearing my finest white suit with a pastel t-shirt. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be out being super cool at dinner. JUST KIDDING, I’m going to be guest starring on Burn Notice, whatever that is (seriously, there isn’t a video of this? What, did Bruce Campbell’s lawyers get to youtube?). JUST KIDDING, I’ll be meeting my daughter’s future in-laws who are for sure not gay dudes because I’m a conservative senator from from Ohio who has just been embroiled in a scandal and if she were to marry the child of a gay couple it would totally ruin me (R.I.P. Robin and Mike). JUST KIDDING, I’m actually going to be down there hobnobbing with the art world and getting as far away from this game as possible, FOR REAL. Don’t worry though my palz, my mic space will be filled ably by friend of the program Gregg “the Greggulator” Gethard and he will be great! Enjoy the dulcet tones of his Philly by way of New Jersey accent and his multiple wrestling references! Even though I won’t be there I still want to PREVIEW THESE DAMN TEAMS.
For some reason this will be the second time this season we will be watching THE NEW YORK JETS who have crossed over from being funny to just being sad. This time in the Jets season comes every year, that moment where we all stop enjoying how comically bad this team is and we (plus some of the dudes on the team/in the front office) start realizing that their ineptitude will cost human beings their jobs, this is where the Jets become just straight up depressing. The funny ha-has of a quarterback who throws more interceptions than completions just become the bummer of a young dude who is in a bad situation and then becomes the whipping boy of some of the worst sports media in the world. The coach, who at one point was a fun weirdo is now just sadly looking for his next job. The Jets are just straight up a bummer, I’m kind of excited not to be watching them.
THE MIAMI DOLPHINS are not even a bummer at all, they are actually in the playoff race! After last year’s festival of interpersonal garbage, the ‘Fins seem to be on the right track. QB Ryan Tannehill is performing at a rate worthy of his high draft pick a couple of years ago and their defense is tormenting offenses left and right. They should really just ruin the Jets and I am seriously happy not to watch it happen, not because I have a dog in the fight (a metaphor that I realize is kind of gross when referring to a game that might have a Michael Vick sighting) but because after a season of crappy games, I need a night off. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT NEVER TAKES A NIGHT OFF? FOOTBALLZ! EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME LAST SEASON WHERE THE HOLIDAYS GOT IN THE WAY! OH AND THAT OTHER TIME WHERE MAC AND I WERE OUT OF TOWN FOR A FEW WEEKS! AND, LIKE, IF WE BOTH GOT SICK OR SOMETHING! I MEAN, WE AREN’T THE DAMN POSTAL SERVICE! NEITHER THE GOVERNMENT AGENCY NOR THE BAND THAT LAUNCHED A THOUSAND TERRIBLE KEYBOARD BASED INDIE-POP GROUPS! BUT TONIGHT! WE SOLDIER ON! WITH A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM OUR PAL, JOURNALIST ROBERT SILVERMAN! AND A HALFTIME RANT FROM NONE OTHER THAN ME! OH YEAH, I WILL BE JUST STRAIGHT UP TALKING FOR THE ENTIRE THIRTEEN MINUTES OF HALFTIME! LIVE FROM SOMEPLACE IN MIAMI! IT WILL CERTAINLY BE WEIRD! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TALKING FOR THIRTEEN MINUTES STRAIGHT? IT IS TOUGH! BUT I’M UP TO THE CHALLENGE! AS FOOTBALLZ ALWAYS IS! SO LISTEN! 8:30PM EASTERN! HERE AND AT THECLASSICAL.ORG! BECAUSE! SPORPS IS LIFE! AND FOOTBALLZ IS HERE TO BRING IT TO YOU!