GUYS, NOT A LOT OF TIME TO PREVIEW TODAY! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT’S BECAUSE I HAVE TO FIX MY TOILET? YOU BETTER! BECAUSE I TOTALLY HAVE TO FIX MY TOILET AND NOT BECAUSE OF SOME SORT OF POOP OVERLOAD OR FATASSNESS YOU JERKS! ANYWAY, TONIGHT THE GOLDMAN SACHS OF FOOTBALL, THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (WHO’S QUARTERBACK IS TOTALLY FRIENDS WITH DONALD TRUMP) FACE OFF AGAINST THE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR PEOPLE TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT BUFFALO BILLS (WHO’S FANS ARE DOING AMAZING THINGS THIS YEAR). IT WILL BE EXCITING! ALSO, BECAUSE OF A LAST SECOND GUEST CANCELLATION I’LL BE VIN SCULLYING THE GAME! YEAH! JUST ME! TD! IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME! DON’T WORRY I’LL STILL WEAR THE TRADITIONAL TUXEDO! ALSO DON’T WORRY, MAC IS GOING TO CALL IN DURING THE SECOND QUARTER LIVE FROM SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA! AND THE FANTASTIC DAVE ZIRIN WILL CALL IN THE FOURTH! I WILL NOT ASK HIS LOCATION! SO LISTEN IN GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Guys, I gotta make this one brief, I was up LATE last night watching another episode of our favorite show WAS THAT A CATCH? Man, now that football is mostly a bunch of old dudes interepeting arcane and somewhat indecipherable rules it really crosses over with my interest in Supreme Court rulings. ANYWAY, this week we have a game and now I’m kind of half-rueing all my talk about wanting to see less popular teams on MNF because while we get to see the Bengals, who are good, it comes with having to see the Texans, who are super terrible. It’s kind of like hearing a really good R&B song then getting a Chris Brown cameo right in the middle or having a PB&J where the bread and peanut butter are excellent but the jelly is rancid or maybe like something else where there is a good thing mixed with a terrible thing. Like I said I was up LATE and maybe eating my feelings a little bit after that Seahawks game so my analogy skills might not be up to their usual snuff. ANYWAY, let’s talk about these teams.
THE CINCINNATI BENGALS are freaking undefeated! Holy moly! Nick Lachey and Carmen Electra must be psyched! After years of looking pretty good and then pooping in a bed that is called the playoffs it seems like the Bengals are putting it all together this year. Andy Dalton is doing world wide gingers proud while throwing to the amazing-at-playing-football-but-incapable-of-dealing-with-wired-headphones AJ Green and please-everyone-stop-calling-him-baby-Gronk-because-a-baby-version-of-Gronk-would-be-dead-in-15-minutes Tyler Eifert and THAT IS WORKING FOR THEM SUPER HARD. Also their defense, which has been a strength REMAINS so, maybe this is the year that their playoff bed remains unpooped (and given the general crappyness of the AFC it should) BUT WHO KNOWS? They should definitely win tonight though and if they don’t it will be a reminder THAT FOOTBALL IS CHAOS.
THE HOUSTON TEXANS stink, woo-who THEY STINK! They were on Hard Knocks and usually those teams stink and BOY THAT HAS HELD TRUE THIS YEAR (also, if you ever want to see what kind of dicks NFL coaches are, watch Hard Knocks because it will prove for you that football coaches are straight up assholes. Mike Vrabel, who is the Texans linebackers coach, is such a fuckface on that show, like his face is made of discarded fucks that people threw away because they were terrible). The Texans best player is JJ Watt and he is good player but man is he boooooorrrrriiiiinnnnggggg, which would be fine if it was back in the day and football players played football and then during the week were just like butchers or whatever but JJ Watt (who would probably make a decent butcher) is on TV ALL THE TIME. His, like, early Hulk Hogan eat your vitamins kids schtick is such a damn snooze but I do hope it leads to a later heel turn as a stab at relevance. YOU KNOW WHAT WILL BE SUPER RELEVANT TONIGHT! FOOTBALLZ! LIVE FROM QUEENS! WITH SO MANY SPECIAL IN STUDIO GUESTS! WELL TWO! BUT HEY THAT’S A LOT FOR THE SMALL LIVING ROOM THAT WE BROADCAST FROM! THOSE GUESTS ARE! ACTOR/IMPROVISOR AMANDA PORYES! AND! RETURNING GUEST! COMEDIAN/PLAYWRIGHT RYAN DOUGLASS! PLUS A FOURTH QUARTER CALL FROM COMEDIAN WILL WELDON! SO LOTS OF VOICES! A RICH BOUILLABAISSE! A FANTASTICAL MELANGE! A DAMN HORN O’ PLENTY! SO PREPARE YOUR EARS! FOR A HEADY BROTH OF FRIENDSHIP AND FUNNY AND FOOTBALL! TONIGHT! AT 8:30PM! HERE AND AT THE CLASSICAL! SEEEEEE YOUUUUURRRR EARRRRRRSSSSSSS TONNNNIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTTTT!
New podcast my pals! This time the old gang gets back together to talk about all sorts of nonsense while the Bears play the Chargers. With a special guest appearance by Peter from the Fantasy Football Comedy Hour!