OH. MY. GOD! The Supper Blow is UPON us and we here at FOOTBALLZ are TORN APART. You see, Mac and I are fans of the Patriots and Seahawks respectively and they’re the participants in the Big Game (we’re working on trademarking that) thus forcing us to root against each other. WHAT WILL WE DO? WE WILL PODCAST! HEAR me try to bait Mac with a series of insults towards his Patriots! LISTEN as Mac is nice! LEARN the Chris does not care any more about football even when the stakes are this high! SOUND THE ALARM! THE PODCAST IS BACK!
Yo guys! FOOTBALLZ! THE PODCAST! Has returned to take you a time travel adventure back to week 8! Remember those heady days! You were probably putting the finishing touches on your horrible halloween costume while listening to us broadcast the game between the Cowboys (who just lost yesterday on a controversial call and THAT IS DELIGHTFUL) and the Washington DC Football Team That Even Still In This Day and Age Has a Racist Team Name that turned out to be very exciting! Now you can listen to the best part of that show as well as interview with artist Ashleigh Carraway of Planchette! So set aside an hour or so and Jules Verne yourself into hilarity!
IT’S HERE! THE END OF THE FOOTBALLZ SEASON! Guuuyyyyyyzzzz, I’m totally going to miss all of your eyes and ears and fingers and whatnot as our season of you just sort listening to me blab comes to an end. Oh what a season it’s been! Lots of football games happened! We made podcasts so you could enjoy our mouth things whenever you wanted! We made a facebook fan page because we like to do things that we should have done like, 3 years ago or something! We had a fun party! And you know what, we’re having another one this Monday to celebrate us and you and sporps and drinking and all of the things that you love/hate! It’ll be at the same place as the last one, the only sporps bar in the greater Boston area Parlor Sports (they will not let us change the name to Parlor Sporps for the night which is a shame but other than that they are great humans for letting us ruin their bar one more time this season). Oh and there is a game that we will be “watching” between teams who may even make the playoffs! Wait whhhhaaaaaaaaa? Yes! An important game between talented teams, it’s a unnamed holiday MIRACLE! So let’s talk about these dummies!
THE DENVER BRONCOS are certainly Super Bowl contenders. They’re lead by human commercial generator/lover of terrible pizza/mostly forehead based life form Peyton Manning who has STILL only won one Super Bowl which gives him exactly as many as talking thumb, Trent Dilfer. They seemed to be in good shape to return to the game that they lost last year 43-8 to the greatest team in history (once again, I will link to that any chance I get) with a strengthened defense and the addition of WR Emmanuel Sanders, they spent the good part of the season looking unstoppable. The last few weeks they’ve looked less than awesome maybe that’s just Manning getting into playoff form early? Or perhaps it is their coach, John Fox, regressing to the profession that he looks like he should be in, high school gym teacher in, I want to say, suburban Scottsdale, AZ. Who really knows? The world is a strange place and the mysteries of the Denver Broncos will have to remain unrevealed till after the game.
THE CINCINNATI BENGALS have a problem, a big old ginger problem, QB Andy Dalton. See the Bengals are good and Dalton is not terrible and so they are kind of doomed to be just pretty good. Being upset about being pretty good is kind of like complaining that they gym at your job doesn’t have a super nice sauna but sports fans are nothing if not rapacious seekers of betterment and the lack of Bengal betterment is wearing thin with their fans. They do have the amazing AJ Green who is great at being a wide receiver even if he is terrible at having headphones (seriously, if a dude who is at the upper percentile of our species when it comes to dexterity can be bumfuzzled by a headphone wire then we are truly doomed). They also have a defense that was excellent last time I was paying attention but I don’t really pay that much attention. BUT YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD PAY ATTENTION? YOU! WHEN? MONDAY NIGHT! AT AROUND 8 OR SO IN PERSON! OR 8:30PM ONLINE! MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THE SHOW HERE! WE, OF COURSE, WILL HAVE GUESTS! INCLUDING COMEDIAN GUITLER RAPHAEL! AND ROXY’S GRILLED CHEESE IMPRESARIO JAMES DISABATINO! AS WELL AS HUMORIST/JEWELRY MAKER/MUSICIAN SARAH CRONIN! AND PRIZES! AND OUR FACES! AND FOOOOOOTTTTBBBBBAAAAALLLLZZZZZZZZZZ!
The end of FOOTBALLZ in studio season is here! Tonight will be our last broadcast of the year from our palatial studio compound because next week we have our season finale/holiday party at the fantastic Parlor Sports (you guys are all totally invited). We’ll be saying goodbye to our of our studio pals for the year, expect tears when I say my final goodnight to the Alf statue that I took a picture of that one time. ANYWAY, we won’t be all sappy and sentimental since we have a game between two terrible teams to watch and talk about, SO LET’S START THE TALKING PART NOW.
THE CHICAGO BEARS are reassessing things right now, after last season’s encouraging first year under dude who’s hair still mystifies me Marc Trestman, things have, um, regressed? I don’t know what you call a season that has seen the team pretty much go straight in the crapper and had coaches ratting out and then tearfully apologizing for it to players (anytime a player, anonymous or not, describes a scene in the locker room as “one of the most fucked up things I have ever seen.” you know you’re dealing with some messed up stuff, these dudes have seen super nasty injuries that I will not link to because I’m not a gross monster who wants you guys to throw up while reading this any more than you already do). It kind of seems like one of those seasons that lead to everybody getting fired afterwards, sorry Trestman, you and your weird hair will always have a spot at Percival Molson Stadium but I don’t think they’ll be honoring you at Soldier Field any time soon (or really ever).
THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS are the second team from the garbage fire that doesn’t even keep you warm NFC South that we get to watch in a row! hgfsoihsfdiooeconcoewfuewufhu, ugh, the sad part is (one of them at least, there are many sad parts to everything always) the Saints were super fun when they were good. Drew Brees seems like a cool dude and even though that weird chant/huddle thing they do before the games is monumentally stupid, they are very rootable for. People also forget that they were victims of Roger Goodell ineptitude before it was cool and that really screwed them when they were still in Super Bowl form, now it seems like the only form that they take is that of a team that might back into the playoffs with a losing record because their division is so crappy that somebody has to win it. The last time an under .500 team made the playoffs though the Saints had a front row seat (seriously, I will use any excuse to link to that video) so maybe they can draw inspiration from that. YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO INSPIRATION? US! BECAUSE TONIGHT! WE RIDE INTO THE INTERNET BREACH ONCE MORE! TO DELIVER OUR SPORTS WISDOM ON YOU! THE GENERAL PUBLIC! OR THE LIKE 15 PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO US EVERY WEEK! AND DELIVER WE SHALL FOR ONE LAST TIME THIS SEASON FROM OUR STUDIO! WE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THIS MATCH UP OF GARBAGE GARBAGE GARBAGE TO THE SAFE SHORES OF HILARITY ON THE BOATS OF OUR MINDS AND MOUTHS! YES! YOU WILL RIDE OUR MOUTH BOATS TONIGHT! OH MAN IS THAT GROSS SOUNDING! PLUS ALSO A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH THE UPRIGHT CITIZEN BRIGADE’S MOLLY LLOYD! WE TALK ABOUT IMPROV! YOU’LL LISTEN AND THINK YES AND I WANT TO HEAR MORE OF THESE GUYS TALKING! THAT WAS A REALLY BAD IMPROV JOKE! DON’T WORRY! TONIGHT’S SHOW WILL BE BETTER THAN THAT JOKE! I PROMISE! TONIGHT! 8:30PM EASTERN! FOOTBALLZ! THE SECOND TO LAST EPISODE OF THE YEAR! GET IT INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!