INTERVIEWZ: Gina Beavers

your interview subject photographed by interviewer, killing karaoke in front of beer boxes

your interview subject photographed by interviewer, killing karaoke in front of beer boxes

FINALLY, here is our interview with the excellent Gina Beavers in all of its lo-fi glory (I promise to get a microphone before next season). Gina is a true delight and her work is fantastic and can be seen soon in person/in public, so check that out! Also check out our conversation.

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PS this may be the last time you hear from us for a couple of months, we’ll hopefully be doing some updates on the website and definitely celebrating the greatest victory in all of sport. We’ll be back in late April/early May for the most exciting reading of a bunch of names since the NBA Draft, THE NFL DRAFT! Till then, enjoy your boring Sundays.

FOOTBALLZ SUPERB OWL PREVIEW!

SuperbOwl.0000000000

 

NATURE LOVERS,

Welcome to the Second Annual FOOTBALLZ Superb Owl Preview! Are all you guys ready for the Big Game (for an easy explanation of why most commercials do not refer to Big Game with its official title please read this or if you are too lazy to read that just know that NFL loves suing people (except us apparently so let’s drop the pretense SUPERBOWLSUPERBOWLSUPERBOWL). Next year we here at FOOTBALLZ will attempt to copyright Big Game so we can successfully sue both lame businesses that get you to go to them and also hunters!) because we for sure are AND WE ARE HERE TO BREAK IT DOWN FOR YOU! We will not be broadcasting this game because we would like to enjoy it BUT WE CAN TELL YOU THINGS TO TELL PEOPLE AT THE SUPER BOWL PARTIES THAT YOU SHOULD BE GOING TO (I had a non-football loving friend describe Super Bowl Sunday as American Christmas minus the gift and family tension and I think that’s about right, so think of it that way people who would rather spend all day on social media talking about how the Super Bowl is awful (also please refrain from spreading the usual Super Bowl hater rumors about human abuse as they are bullshit and the only thing worse than a scold is misinformed scold. Please do talk about how pot is legal in the states that the teams are from because that is only slightly more interesting). SO LETS BREAK DOWN THESE TEAMS!

THE DENVER BRONCOS were one of my least favorite teams as a youth, they were in the same conference as my beloved Seahawks and while helmed by former-quarterback-now-team-president-and-possible-half-horse-at-least-in-the-face-area John Elway would often beat them in a way that would make me cry. I took solace for a while in the fact that those teams often lost in the Big Game but then they went ahead and won two in a row, cementing my hatred for life. Though over the years the Broncos related anger has subsided (I don’t openly root for a Dark Knight Rises like stadium destruction during one of their games as I might the Steelers or the 49ers) I still think that being a fan of their’s is a close to friendship ending offense. They also employ Peyton Manning and he is the worst (more on that later) and even though it isn’t true, Denver seems like the town that Dave Matthews should be from.

MOST LIKABLE PLAYER

This is a tough one as all other personalities on the team are overshadowed by the monolithic Manning, but there are some other somewhat interesting dudes on the team. There is a dude nicknamed “Pot Roast” which is kind of cool until you find out that he got that nickname because once he ordered pot roast (he really should have ordered the Shrimp Alfredo, because having a player who’s nickname was “Shrimp Alfredo” would be awesome (he would probably be an italian kicker if we’re being real here)) so there’s that. Wide Receiver Eric Decker is a good player and also took these photos with his wife and they had a reality show (I didn’t see it, I don’t have cable, I ALSO LIVE IN NEW YORK) and that is kind of interesting but it doesn’t really do it for me. I guess we’ll just have to go with Knowshon Moreno because of his amazing giant tears:

knowshon-cries-2Unfortunately for everyone involved, the most interesting/likable member of the Broncos retired midway through the season. John Moffitt would have ruled media day and in memory of his football career please enjoy this video.

LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER

For sure this is human advertisement machine Peyton Manning. Dude is the Hank Kingsley of quarterbacks, he hasn’t met an endorsement he won’t do. Also he shills for Papa Johns and that is the pizza they serve in hell.

your pizza will be ready in 666 minutes

your pizza will be ready in 666 minutes

He also has a freakishly large forehead (perhaps that is what lead him to seek advertisements, look like a billboard-act like a billboard) and the regular media loves him, no one should love a rich kid that much.

 

THE SEATTLE SEAHAWKS are my favorite team and having them in the Super Bowl is a true joy, less of a joy is having that game take place in a stadium within public transportation travel to my house (see ’cause I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW). The thought that the game will be taking place so close in space but so far away in affordability has plagued me all week (if there is a charitable FOOTBALLZ fan who wants to send me to the game, THERE IS STILL TIME, just email me at footballztalk@gmail.com) and will be stuck in the back of my mind even as the game takes place (sorry everyone that will be watching with me, it will not be fun for you ). When my boss, who got tickets through a business connect, jokingly suggested that if someone kneecapped his wife I could have her ticket I immediately started thinking of who could be my Shane Stant (note to all parents, any child who’s name is an alliteration is destined for low level infamy. Kris Kristofferson was the exception, not the rule.) before I came to my senses. Nevertheless I will enjoy (if “enjoy” means ignore all other humans in the room, drink too much, nervously eat whatever is in front of me (please no one put a bowl of batteries in front of me during the game), and contort my body looking for a “lucky” position to sit in) the game from the comfort of a warm room where beer is much cheaper that I didn’t have to pay tolls to get to, so there’s a bright side. ANYWAY, enough about me, the Seahawks are great (and actually try to treat their players like people rather than like death machines) and if you root against them then you are certainly human garbage.

MOST LIKABLE PLAYER

This one is pretty easy, the Seahawks starting backfield is pretty awesome. Marshawn Lynch (who has a Seattle Aquarium crab named after him, will go to a local donut shop in his Lamborghini wearing a Fuck You sweatshirt, and apparently fix your plumbing) and Michael Robinson are a fantastic team, where Lynch is reluctant to speak, Robinson has had his own in locker room talk show (you can lose about 4 hours watching all of those and it’ll be worth it). When they team up it makes for some memorable stuff. Getting heavier with these dudes, you can learn about Marshawn’s tough life here (the moment where he accidentally says “Fuck ‘em” is great) and about Robinson’s fight back from life a threatening illness just this season here. All in all these should be your dudes, boss.

LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER

Most will have you believe it’s media black hole Richard Sherman (I will not go any deeper on a subject that has been covered extensively but to say that it remains weird that people freak out about this dude and then openly root for dudes like Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger) but I would posit that wide receiver Golden Tate is the least likable Seahawk. Between his vicious on field taunting and wearing of Google Glass/Go Pro camera at  Super Bowl media day, he just seems like a bit of a dick. LOOK IT’S TOUGH TO PICK A LEAST LIKABLE PLAYER ON YOUR FAVORITE TEAM OKAY!

SO THAT’S THAT, everything you need to know about this game for the most part. Enjoy the Super Bowl and don’t watch the halftime show because it is Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers and that is the halftime equivalent of Papa John’s pizza. SEE YOU LATER BONERS!

 

4th Quarter Poll for the Probowl!

PROBOWL CHAT

 

FOOTBALLZ POSTSEASON PREVIEW! THE PRO BOWL!

The official Pro Bowl trophy

The official Pro Bowl trophy

WELCOME BACK!

How have you guys been enjoying football without FOOTBALLZ? We have has some mixed feelings here at FOOTBALLZ HQ but we have struggled through these weeks of merely talking to the tv screen rather than talking to the both of you that listen to us as well as the TV screen. BUT THIS SUNDAY WE ARE BACK! FOR ONE MORE RIDE INTO THE BREACH! Yes, we are covering the worst all-star game in all of pro sports, THE (should not be using the word)PRO BOWL! This week we’ll be back guiding you through what promises to be a boring weird game that the NFL has kept alive in an attempt to squeeze one more bag of cash out of their players that they don’t really care about the safety of.

In this day and age every all-star game is kind of pointless. It used to be that the various all-star games would serve as a chance for fans to be treated to the talents of players that are in media markets outside of their own. These days, however, with the internet and sports networks and all the places you can see highlights, the novelty of seeing these outside your market stars has lost its luster, we have all the stars in all the markets. One might think then, that an all star game is the chance to see great athletes make great plays with players that they don’t normally get to play with, it is in this case that the Pro Bowl falls flattest. Football plays are made great by the cohesion between the players, the repetition during practice that produces the timing needed on the field, and the Pro Bowl has none of that, the players are thrown together for maybe two practices. It also has a bunch of dudes who just got done avoiding serious injury all year playing the most brutal team sport in all of North America so we should all forgive them for taking not going 100% in a meaningless exhibition game.

BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT, instead of teams divided up by conference the NFL has made two former players (who have become broadcasters) the “GMs” of each team and allowed them to draft their players (this would have been much more fun if they had picked random people off the street who knew nothing of the game to choose the teams). They also televised this process, apparently it was SUPER BORING (I guess I could have said “more like Pro Bowring, right?” (like pro bowl and pro boring as opposed to super bowl and super boring) but that would have been terrible and maybe kind of racist?), luckily I don’t have cable so I had an excuse for escaping what seemed like a total nightmare (another way this could have been cooler/weirder (for this game I’ll take either) is if they didn’t have positions and just chose whomever they wanted, why not have kickers as QBs? Defensive ends as wide receivers? Offensive linemen punting? Not to get too Bill Simmons but WHO WOULDN’T WATCH THIS?). Anyone who did sit through the hours of coverage for this nonsense without being paid or losing a bet should seek professional help immediately

I ask you though, IS THERE A GAME WE SHOULD BE COVERING ANY MORE THAN THIS? This game is perfect for us, a monument to the pointlessness of football played in warm place while we all shiver through the worst part of the year. THIS IS WHAT FOOTBALLZ IS HERE FOR! SPORTS ARE POINTLESS SO LET US DISCUSS WHATEVER! LET’S WATCH THIS DUMB THING TOGETHER AND MAKE JOKES AT THE EXPENSE OF THOSE WHO HAVE IT GENERALLY BETTER THAN WE DO! LET PRO THIS BOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLL! HERE! 7PM EASTERN! SUNDAY! PLUS A HALFTIME INTERVIEW WITH AWESOME ARTIST GINA BEAVERS! AND SOME OTHER BULLSHIT PROBABLY!

INTERVIEWZ: Ben Sisto

Ben in his home office

Ben in his home office

I know we’ve been away for a little while what with families and holidays and snowstorms and whatnot but we wanted to drop this gem on your heads while you enjoy the playoffs (that we DO NOT comment on because people care too much about the games). I sat down with old pal Ben Sisto to discuss his career in the arts among a host of other topics, stories are told, gossip spilled, and Larry King gets thrown under the bus. This was a fun one, SO CHECK IT OUT DUM DUMS.

PS We’ll be back with our FOOTBALLZ award show/PRO BOWL live commentary on January 26th at 7pm Eastern, so keep your eyes open and ears warmed for our return to them SOON ENOUGH.

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FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT. 4! THE WESTS!

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

IF YOU EAT THE WHOLE THING YOU GET A FREE CONCUSSION

Hey people who are already probably done holiday shopping, I’m sorry this is not arriving in your browser window on the promised Friday of last week but life got in the way you know what I mean. Now, however, I’m somewhere outside of Philadelphia (I just got on the train my girlfriend told me to and now there is just rain and trees) so I have plenty of time to tell you about things that you couldn’t even get people for Xmas if you wanted to. LET US RUN DOWN (both meanings) THESE GREAT (horrible) GIFTS FOR FANS OF TEAMS IN THE WESTERN DIVISIONS OF THE AFC AND NFC (next year I’ll figure out a better way to say that (as always, click on the image to go to the item’s individual Etsy page)):

 

THE DENVER BRONCOS are another one of my least favorite teams (man, I have a lot of those) and they are really good so their fans should really just shut up and enjoy the things they are allowed. If fans of these turds must have something though, feel free to send them this thing that looks like it has a butthole for a face:

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can't see you doing your dirty things

Its eyes are sewn shut so it can’t see you doing your dirty things

 

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS fans also do not have it too bad, I mean the town is nice (unless you hate Republicans), you can go to the place where they shot that scene from Top Gun, and the weather is pretty awesome (unless you hate Republicans). I guess if you wanted to get a rich republican who lives in nice weather and eats at the bbq place from Top Gun a thing (which they obvs. don’t need) you could go much wronger than something called a a “diaper tricycle”:

finally somebody has done something with the phrase "diaper tricycle"

finally somebody has done something with the phrase “diaper tricycle” that will allow me to say it in mixed company

 

Do you have a friend who owns a pug? Is that friend a fan of the Oakland Raiders? Does that friend wish that his pug was an Oakland Raiders fan? Does that fan wish his pug was just sort of okay about that but not super excited about the Raiders or even sad about the whole thing? Then this is the gift for you to give to this person:

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

That pug should se his haberdasher/foreman because that hat is TOO BIG

 

Working in the service industry is tough, you spend a lot of time dealing with tons of BS from all sides and it can take a toll on a person. That’s why it’s important to carve out little things to make you happy while you’re on the job. THIS GIFT WILL NOT DO THIS, nothing would drive me deeper into depression than looking down at the place where I put all the meagre money I’ve made and realize that I was telling people that I’m a fan of both hastily constructed garbage and the KANSAS CITY CHIEFS:

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

You only give things made of duct tape to people you hate

 

Your child should never be put into a cocoon and should never be taught to be an ARIZONA CARDINALS fan:

Now a movie called "Baby Cocoon" is a product I would pay for.

Now a movie called “Baby Cocoon” is a product I would pay for.

 

However, if you would really like your child’s soul to be sucked out through its breathe while it sleeps and are a ST. LOUIS RAMS fan then this is the gift for you:

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

Why does this doll remind me of Sammy Hagar?

 

San Francisco is a place where crafting goes to live (or die) and the streets flow with glued on googly-eyed garbage so it’s tough to find something extra scary to give to someone who already has an upcycled crocheted cruelty free cozy for their Uber membership card and Google Bus pass. For our arch enemy SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS fans though, we here at FOOTBALLZ go the extra mile:

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

WHY IS THE MOUTH NOT THE HOLE? also that face mask is weeeeiiiirrrdd

 

As you all know, I love the SEATTLE SEAHAWKS but I’m not afraid to recognize that there are some things that are not good about them. Yes, Pete Carroll speaks in a weird gobly-gook of words sometimes, and yes, Richard Sherman is a dick, but my saddest admission about the Hawks is that their uniforms are a little, um, busy. Now this usually isn’t a problem on the field, the realm of what athletes are forced to wear by their corporate overlords is littered with nightmare clothes (just look at this Xmas’s basketball uniforms) and the pros look cool in whatever they have to wear because they are basically super heros and who hasn’t the garbage those people walk around in. However, much as when regular people try to wear superhero clothes, things can get a little rough for the average fan when they try to wear sports clothes in regular life. If you have a friend who wants to do this and you want to dissuade them from ever doing it again, may I suggest this gift:

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

even with the description from the Etsy page, I still cannot identify what kind of garment this is

Well folks, that’s it. Sorry if these suggestions came a little late for you to make it happen for your office Yankee Swap but much like most of your teams THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

FOOTBALLZ HANDMADE GIFT GUIDE PT.3! THE SOUTHS!

Only jerks give gift cards

Only jerks give gift cards

 

Hey poopsters, FOOTBALLZ (the broadcast) season is over for the time being, but here at FOOTBALLZ (the website) we will keep going strong throughout the winter. We’ll be bringing you all sort of playoff related nonsense, just this time it’ll be delivered by fingers rather than mouths (YES! that sounds just as gross as when I said it out loud, WRITING WORKS!) so switch your FOOTBALLZ glands from your ears to your eyes and get ready for part three of GIFT GIVING SPECTACULAR! This time we’re doing the Southern Divisions (click all photos to go to their respective Etsy pages (also, seriously Etsy people, cool it with bottle caps, NOBODY WANTS YOUR BOTTLE CAP EARRINGS/BROACHES/TIE CLASPS/IUDS (that last one really freaked me))):

THE ATLANTA FALCONS have had a rough season and their fans deserve gifts that will lift them up, unfortunately Etsy has none of these. Instead we suggest this Amulet of Asante Samuel, it will allow them to collect lots of money while doing very little and ward off Bill Belichick (as well as Belichick related monsters):

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

ASANTE SEES ALL (from the Atlanta bench)

 

THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS come from what some people might call voodoo country and that leads to a lot freaky business being made with that in mind (seriously, SERIOUSLY (there is not a bold bold enough to bold that seriously)) but for a real Saints fan the must have gift is obviously this:

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A  FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

HULK ON METH SUDDENLY AWOKE AT A FOOTBALL THEMED BONDAGE PARTY

 

THE CAROLINA PANTHERS are a team on the rise but their long life of crappyness have left their Etsy wares a little lacking, luckily we’ve found the perfect Xmas gift for you, Panthers fans. Every home needs a small wizard face statue made of okra to protect it from evil anti-slime vegetable based ghosts, right? WELL NOW YOU CAN HAVE ONE IN PANTHERS COLORS:

"Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!"

“Hello! I will totally watch you while you sleep!”

 

THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS have disappointed this year but no gift could be more disappointing to any child than the one we’ve come across:

"Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano."

“Mommy, I want to punish my American Girl by making her dream of Greg Schiano.”

 

THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS best/worst gift is a PDF of a cross stitch pattern for a mini Mark Brunell jersey, we present it (haha) without commentary:

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

Yep, you are just paying for A PDF OF THIS

 

Though not as amazing as the Bengals Butt Painting of our previous installment, this portrait of TENNESSEE TITANS running back Chris Johnson is equally disturbing. Never forget as you gaze into this painting of this dude and what appears to be some sort of blemish on his cheek that he makes around $8000 a yard:

spitting purple

spitting purple

 

If you are a HOUSTON TEXANS fan then you have many options when it comes to gifts, that is of course if the only gifts you want to give people are Houston Texans themed crosses (yeesh, is there some sort of vampire problem down there? Are they attracted to the lack of zoning? Should that be my first/last just-a-little-older-than-YA novel? About cool vampires in Texas who are all about real estate? And are also erotic?). We’ve found something outside the cross epidemic but equally disturbing and we’re kind of at a loss to describe it:

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

So apparently this is Selena? Wearing a Brooks Reed jersey? Backwards? With actual 3-D jewelry parts? I think I need to take some dramamine.

 

I have always disliked the INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (also always disliked how hard it is for me to type Indianapolis correctly) so I will admit that I did not spend much time looking for a gift for fans of these turdbags. I mean having one crappy season in the last 20 years or so and then having that land you another super good franchise qb is gift enough, right? Anyway this shirt is stupid looking:

for people who have short arms

for people who have short arms

THAT’S IT SOUTHERNERS! TOMORROW WE CONCLUDE THIS SERIES THAT WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOREVER WITH THE WESTER DIVISIONS!

 

 

 

THROW LIKE A GIRL: The Thrilling Conclusion

the cookie void

the cookie void

by Deborah

the end of the footballz season has brought a twist ending for me, something any spectator can hope for in an athletic event. my husband has skipped town, but somehow i am watching football without him. by choice. when i don’t have to. perhaps that’s really not totally an unexpected surprise, or a hail mary for the forces of football fandom (which could be more closely found when my husband was making me and my parents watch and we happened to witness the best play in the history of college football). in some ways it’s a return to the beginning of the season, when i had to step up the masculinity to counterbalance my husband’s newfound vegetarianism (in case you are curious, there is no way to search the internet for images of not-so-masculine men that isn’t totally offensive). now i even have to watch the football for him.

but i am also proud to throw like a girl. so instead of cooking to honor my husband and the closest thing he comes to playing sports these days (watching them), i’ll track down some other group of men that i can cook for. and i’ll sneak my way into the room hidden behind a tray of sweetness. my game plan (the season better end with these puns) is to bring the final dessert of this season’s throw like a girl:

espresso caramel squares with dark chocolate
from one girl cookies by dawn casale and david crofton, who run a brooklyn establishment (that nyc reference is for you, TD!) by the same name.

here’s my not at all humorous description of making them for the first time. to see if they’re any good, you’ll have to ask footballz and friendz.

crust
i started by following directions, but i ended up with a bunch of flour that in no way resembled a dough, despite being described as a dough by step 3. so, i did a quick internet search on shortbread, because that’s clearly what this crust is, and found that this generally requires about 2 sticks of butter for the same amount of flour. so i added almost 1/2 stick more. kneading still didn’t turn it into a dough, but pouring into the pyrex allowed me to at least press it into something that looked like a dough. good enough for me. probably in part because of all the extra butter, this took closer to 30 minutes instead of 11 minutes to get to golden brown edges. the other thing to note about how this differs from most shortbread recipes is that they call for creaming the butter (sometimes with the sugar) and then adding the flour, where this is more a pie crust technique. this layer ended up being a bit crumbly for me, so i might substitute it with a favorite shortbread recipe. close enough to preserve the twix-ness of this recipe, but better.

caramel
this is the tempting part – the idea of espresso caramel is super appealing. plus, i still have instant coffee from the last dessert recipe, and here’s another good chance to use it. but caramel can also be tricky – if you don’t get it hot enough, it is generally grainy and too hot hardens it too much. this recipe gives no guidance that you can get from a candy thermometer, so making it was an act of trust that “medium-low” means the same thing to all stove tops. it also doesn’t say how long it should take before boiling. it took me about 15 minutes, and i started on the low side of medium-low and slowly worked my way up close to medium. once it was boiling, i turned it back down quite a bit. i also found that i had to keep stirring most of the time with a whisk to prevent the butter from separating. but my caramel also turned out a bit grainy, so maybe you shouldn’t listen to me. except about this: don’t forget to lick the spoon at the end of this phase – the caramel is delicious on its own.

chocolate layer
this is definitely the easiest layer. a microwave step - what?!? is this the early 80s? this is one of the rare occasions where cooking with a microwave is actually fine (unlike, say, when you want to make 101 whole desserts), but i also assume you know how to use a double boiler (or pot and metal bowl) to melt chocolate if you want to be hardcore. or whatever counts as hardcore in the kitchen. i didn’t use white chocolate because it doesn’t taste as good as just bittersweet and i don’t care if these look pretty.

i think they taste pretty darn good. so, with that:
signing off for the season,
the dutiful wife.

4th Quarter Poll for Week 15! Ravens v. Lions